Hello everyone!
We get a fairly large volume of comments and emails from mostly victims of marital affairs. One particular email recently struck a nerve with us. The email was from a woman who basically blamed herself entirely for her husband’s affair. The email was full of phrases such as, “I should have done…” “If only I were a better…” “I feel so guilty about…”
The email was really quite frustrating, and we really felt badly for this woman for placing so much responsibility and guilt squarely on her shoulders.
With this in mind… If you were the one who was cheated on, do you feel any responsibility, blame or guilt for the affair? Why or why not?
Please feel free to share your story, and respond to each other’s comments!
Have a great day!
Doug & Linda
15 replies to "Discussion: Do You Feel Responsible for the Affair?"
THE most frustrating aspects of my wife’s affair is how utterly unwarranted it was (in my opinion.) For twenty years I have made every effort to be as accountable a husband as possible while still maintaining my independence and manhood. I did not want our marriage to become a cliche. Alas, it takes two to avoid that trap. This affair was ALL about her from start to finish, her issues, her short-comings, her fears and insecurities. She has justified it in various ways by knocking me down, criticizing, condemning me, and I have succumbed to feelings of inadequacy as a result at times, but the truth has always backed me. There are definitely things I could have done differently in our relationship over the years but not even my worst traits or behaviors deserved this sort of betrayal. But this was never about me. It isn’t about me. Everyone makes their own choices in life.
Well said D., you the man.
I was going to write a whole lot about my shortcomings and how I should have/could have done this and that. But in the end… D., says it the best when he wrote. “There are definitely things I could have done differently in our relationship over the years but not even my worst traits or behaviors deserved this sort of betrayal.” No one deserves to be cheated on…. no matter what. If your not happy with your marriage, then speak up and try to make it right. If you can’t make it right or the relationship isn’t satisfying enough for you, then leave and find someone else.
Ditto what D said 100% except change the “wife” to “husband” and “manhood” to “womanhood.”
Do I feel responsible for my husband’s EA? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I did not make the poor decision to search for something to fill the void that may or may not have been missing in my marriage.
I could have…I have had opportunities to stray (with younger men…yeah call me a cougar…) but I didn’t.
I do take responsibility for allowing our marriage to go by the way side…but I unequivocally deny any responsibility for my husband’s poor choices.
As I told him I would have preferred that you have left then to have betrayed me in that manner. At least it would have showed me he had the b*@#!s to do the right thing!!!!
Okay….enough huffing and puffing…..I hope that answered the question.
I feel responsible for the state our marriage was in when the affair happened. I feel responsible in that I didn’t notice the warning signs that were so clear. I am NOT solely responsible, of course. But I think if I had had my wits about me and not been so selfish when the signs started coming, if I had approached saving the marriage in a solution-oriented, positive frame of thinking instead of the hysterics that did ensue, things would have somewhat repaired themselves by now. After all, I strayed from the marriage as well, although not in the same way. I believe my desperation and clinginess are what has caused the situation to draw out this long (over 1 1/2 years). I DON’T feel guilty because it was not my fault. There is a difference between feeling guilt and acknowledging responsibility.
Deflated- I hear you I have had many opportunities to see if the grass is greener on the other side….my husabands face always stopped be….O silly me what was I thinking?
Liz, what were you thinking??? YOU were thinkin gof your marriage vows and how important they are and the trust that comes with it. Maybe not the first thought in your head, it would have been a natural inbuilt thought. So I say, WELL DONE! I am sorry you are having to go through the hurt though, it is not fair and so undeserving.
Okay they talk about healing….well I am a perfect example of what happens when you do not heal from the affair your spouse has had. My spouse of 35 years has had two affairs during our marriage. The first one came 3 years after we were married. I am not one to mess around and took matters in my hands and divorced him. Three months went by and he called and wanted to talk with me. Well, what did we do we annulled the divorce, put each other through collee, had three boys and both of us had great jobs. Needless to say I received a letter at home about this affair and was told at a party about the affair. To this very day I have such hate, and that is a horrible word, for this person who he had an affair with. Although they do not work at the same place anymore they are in the same field. Therefore, when show occurr they both are there representing their firms. It was not till recently he could tell me that this lasted for ten years. If I had known this I would have been long gone. During this period he developed Cancer and I was the person he ran to when he was scared to death. All I can say if you have been through an affair get help do not go on with life like I have. It is miserable and my fault for not seeking help.
JMA, thanks for commenting and sharing your story. I’m sure that finding out that your husband had been involved in a 10-year affair was quite a shock and stirred up many emotions with you. You may be interested in a post Linda wrote about hate: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/after-the-emotional-affair-i-hate-you/
I feel that i should not have done what i did and rather spoken to my husband about what our 21 year marraige was missing.We had lost touch with each other and just seemed to pass by each other.After my affair was out in the open and my husband decided that he did not want to throw the towel in,we have spoken about what could have caused it and where we both went wrong and what \not to do.Communication is very important.I have also learnt that i myself was not being a good wife in that i always had a certain tone in my voice and i think this drove us further apart.It has been 5 months and although i have to work very hard to restore the trust,i am giving it my all and the support i have received from my husband is amazing.It feels as though we have just met each other for the first time
Do I feel responsible? No. Do I feel compliciant, yes. When I look at the world thru my wifes eyes I do see my behavior as less than admirable. I was selfish. I was ego driven. I was focusing too much on work. I do have a fear of not being able to provide for my family. I was disconnected from my children. I was. I can see that now. That is not who I strive to be, not who I thought I was. I am using this a chance to become a better father, a better spouse for her or the next person. A better comminicator. I have reprioritized my life, my work, myself. I have changed my work schedule to include family time, and free days. I have asked each of the kids what would be something special i can do with each of them-I have my answers. I will continully ask for updates. I dont care what we do, just that we do together.
I have resigned from un needed boards that suck my time. I have reworked our finances. I have changed my routine. I want to exercise more. I am losing wieght for me, not for her.
I am connecting with old friends. I want to golf more. Next spring I will join a golf club again.
When I am at home, I am at home, not a t work. I change my voicemail every weekend to unavalible.
I am turning off the tv and reading.
I am going to counseling for me.
I like to fish, so next spring I will fish every other week.
I am looking forward to buying new clothes.
I am looking to the future as often as I can, because I have a future, it is just not clear to me yet.
Scott, You know what is amazing to me when I read all the comments from the men is your ability to articulate your feelings so clearly and with such passion. I wonder if your spouses know that you have such deep feelings and care so much. I believe that any wife would want to hear how this affair has effected you and your lives. Have you thought about writing her a letter telling her how you feel. I know that during Doug’s affair I would write to him often, later he said that really effected him and was able to grasp the intensity of my pain. So much is said that men cannot communicate their feelings, I dispute that theory, I have read so many heartfelt comments on this sight. I commend your strength. Linda
Nothing justifies an affair – even if you were the worst person in the world! If you want to be with someone else, you need to end your relationship (marriage) first! Never blame yourself for your partner’s weaknesses! You are NOT to blame!
One word. nope!!