Not too long ago we posted the results from our latest survey and one of the questions was…
Why do you think the Affair happened?
Here were your answers… 
*This question allowed for multiple answers and it would appear that many of you think there were multiple reasons for the affair – or you just don’t know for sure.
Some of the “other” reasons mentioned were:
- Spouse rekindled a past flame
- Husband is a control freak
- Cheating spouse suffered from depression
- Our relationship was really bad – lots of arguing and poor communication
- “My husband was an immature selfish asshole”
- ADHD
- Lack of intimacy
- Job issues
- Infertility
- Grown apart in marriage
- Revenge
- Triggered from sudden tragic death of a parent, combine with Internet availability, setting off addictive activities.
- Spouse is passive aggressive and thus he feels that no one appreciates him…and she [OW] did!
- Spouse has PTSD
- Perfect storm of life events
- Poor communication and lack of affection
- Stress and not being happy with self
- Narcissism
- Stupidity
- Spouse’s anxiety/depression disorder
- Poor communication
- Mental Health Issues
- Don’t know for sure
From more of a professional point of view, Richard P. Fitzgibbons M.D., director of the Institute for Marital Healing outside Philadelphia, has worked with several thousand couples over the past 34 years and has come up with his take on the causes of infidelity:
Origins of Marital Infidelity
The following marital conflicts contribute to a vulnerability to marital infidelity.
- Loneliness and sadness
- An emotionally distant spouse
- Selfishness/materialism
- Lack of a moral code
- Lack of confidence
- Controlling and disrespectful behaviors by spouse
- Compulsive use of pornography
- Lack of balance in married life with failure to attend to romantic aspect of marriage, the marital friendship and sexual intimacy/betrothed love
- Seriously disordered priorities with the placement of work, others, sports, children, etc. before one’s spouse
- Strong resentment and anger with a desire to punish
- Attempt to escape from responsibilities and pressures
- Strong mistrust and anxiety
- Weak faith with a failure to engage in the struggle against temptations
- Modeling after an unfaithful parent
- Failure to address marital stresses
- Close friendships with others who have been unfaithful
- Lack of understanding of the sacrament of marriage
- Unresolved family of origin sadness, mistrust or anger
- Failure to find fulfillment in fatherhood or motherhood and as a protector of one’s spouse and children
- Previous infidelity
- Failure to communicate the Church’s teaching about marriage and sexual morality.
Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., a Professor of Psychology at the University of Massachusetts Amherst sites a survey conducted by Loras College psychologist Julia Omarzu and colleagues where the participants were obtained from a non-random source, namely a website directed toward adults who engage in marital infidelity. The study participants mentioned the following as causes of infidelity in their marriages:
- Lack of sexual satisfaction in primary relationship
- Desire for additional sexual encounters
- Lack of emotional satisfaction in the primary relationship
- Wanting emotional validation from someone else
- Falling out of love with partner. (This was a very insignificant cause according to the study.)
- Falling in love with someone new. (Very few people indicated that they had fallen head over heels for the person with whom they had the affair.)
- Wanting to seek revenge. In a relationship that is already suffering, the desire to hurt a partner who is (or is perceived as) cheating.
- Curiosity and desire for new experiences.
(Click here to read the full article)
Our Discussion…
So…all of these supposed causes of infidelity that we have presented to you leads us to our topic for discussion this week.
Here are some questions to consider…
What do you feel was the cause or origin of your – or your spouse’s – affair?
In hindsight, what were some of the things that “got in the way” of your marriage or “distractions” if you will, that ultimately left your relationship vulnerable to an affair?
What are some of the things that you have changed (or trying to change) that caused any disconnect and how have you managed to do so specifically?
What advice would you give to other couples who are heading down that same road towards and emotional or physical affair?
Please respond to one another in the comment sections below.
Thanks so much for your input and comments!
Linda & Doug
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LINESPACE
65 replies to "Discussion – The Causes of Infidelity"
My personal opinion only is that almost all cheaters (spouses and Other Man/woman) will do so for one of two reasons. They are Trying to AVOID 1) Growing UP or 2) growing OLD. Possibly both, in some cases. When I met my husband, he seemed to be a grownup. 36 years old, job, house, truck, dog but he wasn’t really cause his entire adulthood had been about me, me, me. When he became a husband and father, he really had to grow UP. When he had to face coronary bypass surgery and age related issues with his parents, he had to face growing OLD. His solution to these issues was to blame me and our marriage, and pursue a slut from decades ago. It “took him back to his youth.” Problem solved, he didn’t have to grow up or grow old. As far as his girlfriend goes, shes probably about in the same boat. Aging road whore, who just can’t keep a man and needs an ego boost from someone who remembers her when she was young.
Mine was a rekindle after some big life changes. Partially “my husband is a selfish asshole,” (LOL – he sure was for fifteen months, the rest of our twenty-five years together, not so much) I believe there was a facet of revenge, but not for an affair of mine, I have been only with him, I had not fully supported him in a big life decision, I “went along with it” stating very honestly, after the event – as he didn’t include me fully in the decision making process, BIG NO-NO – my reservations, and he saw it as me “abandoning him,” which is part of the immaturity, instead of talking to me BEFORE he made the decision, and then AFTER it was a done deal, and I had to just “suck it up,” he chose to talk to her about how I had supported EVERY decision he had made for over twenty years, but had “so let him down” over this one. Well, he knows NOW what he did wrong, and how he took my support for granted, in an almost controlling manner, “hey, whatever I do, Paula loves, I am SO ‘the man’!” Communication. That is it. (And yes, Giz, growing old, mid life certainly has its pitfalls, particularly in men – who can discover they have ridiculous egos, even if they used to seem far more mature than to get sucked into the pathetic affair trap they have disdainfully witnessed among their contemporaries. I know I became distracted, starting a new career, and doing too many hours. I know this, but I expected him to understand, as I had for all the years he had done 14 hour days, etc. The whole reason I had the new job, was because the decision he made (that I didn’t fully support, but talked to him about, letting him know my reservations, but that I still loved him and was still here, forever, keep talking, mister) meant our income dived, so I was trying to “do my bit,” in at least having the living expenses covered. That was my “abandonment” of him, and his opportunity to see his AP, during the day, while I worked sometimes 14 hour days. Awesome, great skills, I was always available to talk, to listen. But he chose someone who was supposed to be my friend, his perennially single ex, with her involved in seemingly every bloody activity our family did together for over a year. God, I must be the stupidest woman on earth. Actually, I did ask him that quite a few times towards the end, “you’re not treating me like the stupidest woman on earth here, are you?” I didn’t really think so, we had never had jealousy or any of those feelings before, trust had been huge, he has always got on well with women. So, then you ask yourself if “he always got on well with women,” was actually, “he was always sleeping with other women.” What a roundabout. After a while, and talking to a lot of people, obviously including him, I can rest (fairly) assured that there were no other inappropriate friendships, no EAs, certainly no other sexual affairs (I hate the term PA, seems a bit dismissive of the nature of it – it was sex, hard, fast, tender, sweet, caring, not just physical touching, and kissing) just straight out friendships, like I always thought, only this one, this person (and I use the term lightly) who had decided she had found a daddy for her little boy, and a sugar daddy for her dreams of retirement. Amazing to think that she, an accountant, couldn’t do the sums in working out how much an ex and his three kids would dent the pot of gold!
Ok, in the interest of fairness, I’m going to do a “cheater-nalysis ” on myself. Actually, most of my thoughts of “why” people cheat is based on me cause that is what I know.
It was the autumn of 1989, 24 years ago, so my memory is sketchy. I was 30 years old . my father died in April of that year after a five year battle with lung and brain cancer. My husband and I moved 200 miles from where I’d gone to college to live next to my mother. She had a heart attack November 1989, followed by coronary bypass, followed by her death in March 1990. At this time I realized my husband I had been with for 10 years, married 5, was an alcoholic. I had wanted children but knew I couldn’t with him due to his violence and abusive nature. Things just weren’t going well for me. my twenties brought a lot of bad things, including death of lots of family members. I also had a “new” family after finding out I was adopted and that my parents never told me. Argg. I had to grow up a lot in those years, and I really was feeling old and worn out.
I am still not sure what caused my spouse to cheat. He has always been emotionally distant and I know we weren’t spending much time together but again that was because he wouldn’t do anything we ask him to do. He wouldn’t suggest anything to do either, he seemed content to work and sit on his computer. Well I know why work seemed like the place to be because SHE was there. I think maybe she made him feel useful and I really don’t need him. I want him in my life but I don’t need him in my life. Maybe he has known this for longer than I have. Maybe that’s what made him cross the line. Hell, we can’t talk about it because I throw his stuff out in the driveway so I may never really know why he did what he did. He says he may never fully understand why he did it either. I guess its really hard to face yourself and figure out why you would intentionally attempt to destroy your whole family. It would sure make me squirm but then again so did him telling me he was “in love” with another woman.
So, yes I was trying to avoid growing up and growing old. Not very successfully I might add. Drinking a lot. Fighting with husband a lot. My high school ex called me at my mother’s house, we talked a while, and I thought that was it. I hadn’t thought of him much though the years. As screwed up as I was, outwardly things looked pretty good. I’d bought a nice house, nice car, decent job. I was young, skinny, pretty enough. I put on a very good front, lol. My ex started hanging around. I’d been shy in school, not confident of myself, but now I actually was more desirable than him, lol. It felt nice cause he’d always treated me bad. We snuck around a while, not sure how long. Broke up, dont remember how long or why. Started seeing each other again. Pretty much all we did was meet and talk or talk on the phone. No email or texting then. I know I went to his trailer (no, I’m not making that up), had sex once, which was so disgusting. We never saw each other again. After that I was faithful to my husband til he died in 1999. But yeah, I was trying to avoid my life by having some secret creepy relationship with an ex. There was no excuse for it, but thats my story. And I’m sticking to it.
Sad so much, I think one reason cheaters convince themselves they are “in love” with their affair partner is because it makes what you are doing less heinous in your own mind. If you are just cheating, it seems whorish. But if you are in “love”, you csn convince yourself it’s romantic, fated, special, etc. I know when I saw my ex in his early 30s, as opposed to when he was in his teens and 20s it was quite a shock. Somehow I was able to merge the old and the new him into something that was acceptable to me. I also thought our relationship was more “special” cause he was kinda gross and I still ,”loved” him. Lol, yes I was royally effed up.
Giz, I will follow your lead, as it has only been crazy-making to try to figure out why my ex did what he did. But I do know that in the times I was a cheater, it wasn’t because I was in love. It was because there was a man who actually showed some interest in me, who seemed to enjoy talking and connecting with me. I didn’t want sex. I knew I wasn’t in love. I just appreciated some attention. As soon as it became something sexual, I was so conflicted I ended it and told on myself. What I learned about me was that I needed to be faithful, to be committed, even if my H didn’t value my commitment, didn’t value me as a person. Now that I’m single I am truly excited to see how the rest of my life will play out. For while I was really effed up, as you so eloquently said about yourself, Giz, I may be less so now. At least I know how to spot someone I don’t want to be with! I actually think I’ve at least begun to know what and who I need. That in itself, is huge progress for me.
STL, when you meet your partner in your teens, and even into your early twenties, sometimes you haven’t “grown up” and explored those feelings, understood what makes you tick, the temptations, the “otherness” in the world – and you have to do that to some degree after you are married. It sounds like you did this, coming to the conclusion that you are a committed person, who needs monogamy, love and commitment to function at your best, Perfectly understandable. Even though I was young, at just twenty, I had worked through a lot of these issues, probably mostly by supporting/observing my mum and how she dealt with the breakdown of my parents’ marriage, reading, studying, and observing my friends and those a little older. I felt I knew who I was, what made me tick and what my needs were, and that I was a reasonably mature 20. I still think so now. But, you are very right, it is what happens now, with what we have learned that counts 🙂
My husband has always felt insecure with himself. Any female that paid him a compliment or payed attention to him he was ready to sleep with them.
Wow, STL, I never knew you were a cheater. It is an easy trap to fall into. I read that one thing that might enable people to cheat is for their partner to think they aren’t “capable” if it cause EVERYONE is capable. I had a friend who had very low morals regarding adultery and I think that exposure to her made me more susceptible to it. I do know my one experience was IT for me. The creepy feeling it gave me about myself is not something I want to repeat. It’s something I tried, and rejected as just not worth it. I think maybe only other “reformed” cheaters know just how screwed up it all really is, definitely not glamourous, or fun, etc. so glad you are doing better.! I definitely think you can get over exes, especially when you finally see them for what they really are. I know I sure can, lol.
Hi Giz and STL,
I was trying to figure out as well why my wife stepped out of our marriage for a short time. After being married for 13 years and having 2 children, she began to question if there was more to life than what she was going through. I admit, I wasn’t as approachable as I am now, and she didn’t feel appreciated by me and our kids, so she started thinking about how life was treating her first sex partner. She connected with him on FaceBook to see how he was doing now … at first she said it was just casual chatting as old friends, but their conversations quickly turned sexual and she said this ignited a spark in her that she hadn’t felt in a long time and fell for his “kind words of encouragement” and BS. We live thousands of miles apart, so they didn’t meet in person, but made plans to meet – there was no set date, but they had to meet “see if this was just sexual or there was more to it”. Thinking back on these words now, my wife says she wouldn’t have the nerve to actually meet him and would have backed out.
As I mentioned in a previous post, they did end up having Skype sex, but she says she felt totally disgusted and used after their session. She also says after this, she “knew” that their “relationship” was coming to an end, because it was becoming too much work hiding it and the guilt was eating away at her. Luckily (?) I found out about the EA a couple of days after the Skype sex and put an end to it then. This is when the reality hit her that she could be losing everything we’ve built over the years.
My wife always had low self-esteem issues, so when this guy starts saying your husband should do X, Y, Z, or I would do A, B, C for you, he really sunk his hooks in deep – deep enough for her to say she loved him and wanted to be with him and for her to want to show him her body. The point I’m trying to make here is that once someone starts stroking that ego of someone who thinks they’re in a situation where things seem hopeless, it’s hard to see the reality of the current situation of their marriage and spouse/family etc. It’s strange to say it took an EA to make me see what our marriage was missing and that we needed to work on improving our communication so that each others needs didn’t go unmet.
Not sure if the same happened with you guys?
I know our marriage wasn’t ideal but mainly it was because he had already pulled himself away from me and the kids. How do I get past that he pulled away and then when he got “lonely” he went and found someone to fill his needs. What about my needs? I had been lonely for a long time and the added stress of always taking care of the house and the kids and working. I resent what he did and I am not sure I can get past that. I want to get past it but sometimes I just look at him and think “is this all there is.”
Hi Sad,
Sorry you are feeling this way, but resentment towards your spouse is all part of the process. Being betrayed by the one you love, by the one who is supposed to be there for you through good times and bad, is a very difficult thing to go through. But if you both really want to make it work, which will take some time, you will have to make the decision to get over the resentment. Take your time to sort out what you want and when you’ve made your decision, stick to your guns … it’s now your way or the highway. No one said it was going to be easy, but like everyone on here will tell you, take care of yourself first. When you’re ready to make a decision, know that it is the right one for you.
So, the cheating for me was always about feeling like I had someone listening, and making me feel like I mattered to them. And Paula, you are right, being with H since age 16 meant I didn’t know a lot. Period. I mean, smart girl in school, but exceptionally slow learner when it came to relationships. My parents were also case studies…very wonderful, smart people who did relationship poorly. They married after knowing each other for an extremely short time. Didn’t find out until the week my father died (mom had been gone for nearly twenty years) that he had been in a previous, very short marriage, had a son, moved across the country to ‘start over.’ My mother knew, but they decided not to tell me or my siblings.
I never wanted to be a cheater. I was faithful to my boyfriend throughout HS and even after he went to college a year ahead of me and I had many, many reasons to break up with him. My counselor has explained to me that one reason the relationship was so powerful for me was that a few months in, when things were still very minimal between us, my only brother died…the baby of our family. She says my boyfriend became a transitional source of security for me…which definitely makes sense as he was the baby of his family, and probably in many (subconscious) ways helped me hold on to my little brother.
Many of the issues raised in comments apply to my H and our situation too. His parents are strictly religious and he was brought up to believe that girls and sex were off limits. Never talked about. Failure was also not acceptable, or mistakes.
He had one very short term girlfriend as a teenager but it wasn’t serious. His parents were happy for him to concentrate on study and music. I think he grew up with a warped sense of relationships as his parents are very odd about public displays of affection – they think it’s unnecessary. His dad is a dreadful flirt with women too and constantly belittles his mum in front of everyone. All round poor role models for a healthy relationship. Not that they are to blame for what he did, but they are an historic part of teh ’cause’ of his infidelity as it meant he had a non-existent foundation for forming good relationships or even a healthy attitude to sex.
He met his first proper girlfriend once he’d left home. he met her when she was caring for her then boyfriend who was in a coma. They started going out while she was still ‘with’ this boyfriend. Again, another crappy relationship beginning. Alot of what my H told me of that relationship I can now see from another angle. I think he took her for granted and when the initial excitement wore off he started flirting with other women, as he’d seen his dad do. When he got a job in another part of the country he thought his girlfriend would just move with him. She wouldn’t and they broke up. She broke it up by sleeping with someone else and telling him.
Add into that an increasing obsession with pornography going hand in hand with deep self loathing about that obsession and without my knowledge he was building a time bomb for the sort of things he went on to do. He got clever at lying to everyone and the more he got away with the more he felt he could get away with. He was a top of the class compartmentaliser, a common technique that some people seem to use to stop themselves feeling anything.
so, the causes were many and built up over a very very long time.
Not wanting to grow up was a key part of it too Giz. I was told I was no fun, everything had to be bloody ‘fun’ – everything. fun became a tyranny for a while. what he’d wanted was ‘carefree’ which is what he got when he was in fantasy land with that painted tart. she was carefree too, she didn’t know about his porn habit (at work, at home, on the train) or that he was about to be made redundant or that I was having miscarriages that were making him (and me!) miserable.
Thanks, for all of you sharing your stories, it is very helpful. My situation is simular to Xterra. My H was bored with our marriage. We seemed to worry about money, kids, jobs but never our relationship. Once his “first” found him on FB, and showed him some attention that he wasn’t getting from me, he jumped on it. told her he wanted to be with her and leave me. They talked about starting back up what they once had together. It only lasted a few months but long enough, that it broke my heart , just knowing he prefered her over me, made me sick. He has since took full responcibility for everything, and has tried to show me it would never happen again. We have been better to each other, BUT I can’t get pass everything that happen. This week was 1 year since D day, it has been a tough week. I love him but not sure I can’t let go of all this Also, we had been together 17 years at the time, and he hadn’t seen the OW in 25yrs. Not sure how to get pass this
Hi Lost,
I felt like I couldn’t get past my wife wanting to be with another man, their Skype sex, and the fact they blatantly disrespected me and his wife! But I made the conscious decision that if I truly wanted to work on our marriage and that I didn’t want her to go, I would have to put it behind me. It’s taken me just 9 months, but even in that short time, these images are losing their clarity and I get over triggers much easily. It is hard, but if you really want it to work, you will. Keep your chin up, there are better days ahead!
Thanks for your comments Xterra, I really appreicate all the help here. I really feel my H is trying hard to help me to get pass this, and I really want to, I hope in time the triggers will get easier. I’m very encouraged by you and your strenght after only 9 months. I do have a lot of days that I’m happy again, and less days that I think about everything that was said between them. So, I’m hoping in time it will get easier. I give everyone here, so much credit for telling your situations.
My counselor told me that love is not an emotion, it is a verb. It takes action. Maybe getting over the resentment and grief is the same way, it takes action to make it through. I just wanted it to all go away but that isn’t going to cut it. Xterra I have made the conscious decision that I want my marriage to work and now I need to make the same effort in getting past my resentment and anxiety about him working with her still. Fear is my underlying issue always. Fear of him making a fool of me again, fear of him leaving, fear of being alone, fear of him never loving me like he did her, fear that I am never going to be enough, fear, fear, fear, fear. Its all so overwhelming sometimes. Part of my resentment is that I had always told myself that if my husband ever cheated I would show him the door so fast his head would spin. I couldn’t do that when it happened. I crumbled I was weak I lost grip. My internal struggle is sometimes the most overwhelming part of my day. How do I convince myself that I didn’t compromise my values by letting him stay but that I am showing a more gracious and forgiving side of myself. Some days I hate that bitch.
Hi Sad,
I believe your counselor is right by saying that love is a verb and not an emotion – I think y counselor said the same thing. But think of it as giving love or exuding love – the more you give and show, the more you will receive in return – certainly worked in my case.
I certainly know where you’re coming from when you talk about your fear; I have experienced the same fear. But realize that you don’t settle for being enough, you just have to show him that you’re more than that and he won’t be able to carry on without you. Make him fear losing you.
I told myself, she’d pack her bags if she ever cheated too. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she is the love of my life, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Don’t take that as a sign of weakness, it means there’s still hope. If there is still hope and love, I don’t think you’re compromising anything … just make sure he knows that you still hold on to your values and if it happens again, don’t let the doorknob hit him on the way out!
Thanks Xterra! I believe I have made it clear that this is a once in a lifetime offer. And yes he is the love of my life. We have shared 22 years of laughter and tears and have raised 3 beautiful intelligent daughters. There is no one on earth I would want to share my life and my children with but him. Unfortunately sometimes the fear makes me act out in some very unbecoming ways (throwing his clothes in the driveway comes to mind.) I am trying to get a handle on it but there are days when it makes me want to crumple up in a ball on the floor and just wish it away. I just want my husband to see me as the love of his life too and I am afraid that now he just sees me as the mother of his children and the “right thing to do.” I don’t want to be the right thing to do I want to be the thing he can’t live without. Ok so here I sit up straight, hold my head up high and know without a doubt that I am more than enough. I am intelligent, funny, responsible, caring, giving, and loving. Could anyone ask for any more? Now if I can just get my heart to believe all those great things I said about myself I will be in business.
Ohhh why not let the door knob kit him? What about the whole door, if he does it again. Lol.
Sad, I feel the same, I fear being made a fool of again. I fear not having my h with me for the rest of my life, I fear I won’t ever be good enough ( even though he tells me I am). I fear that wrench is going to pop back not our lives again, and he will fall for her stupid crap again. Fear is a bitch. Yet the problem is I love him, so he is what I want, need t let go of all that fear.
Ohh and if my h does make a fool of me again, it will be hard not letting the door hit him. Lol
Sad So Much…I understand about the fear…it was my constant companion for the first 2 yrs after Dday (I’m 2 yrs 10 mos.out)…I HATED the thought of my H making a fool of me again….Not only did he have a 4 mo EA, but his two cousins, who were friends with the Cow, helped cover it up, all the while acting like they were my “friend”!
It’s an awful way to live, always worrying, checking phone records, etc…
I started counseling in July, and I told Sarah, my counselor, that one of my biggest fears was my H contacting the OW and making a fool of me again….that I knew my marriage would be over at that point, because I won’t go through this with him ever again!
Sarah looked at me and very calmly stated “Well, then, at least you will know….You will know that this is the life he has chosen for himself…you will have your answer, and then you can move on with your life.”
Her statement grounded me….it made me feel more powerful.
I don’t HAVE to stay married to this man…If he CHOOSES to be a repeat offender, then that is HIS decision….but I do NOT have to accept it!!
I’ve never found that he’s ever attempted to make any contact with the Cow since Dday, and he knows that if he ever does make contact with her or ANY other woman…he’s out the door!
When it comes to betrayal….there are NO second chances!!!
As for the question of WHY did he have the EA…I really don’t know.
He’s given me several different reasons why…but I don’t think even he knows why he did it.
Low self esteem maybe? He grew up in an abusive home….He’s also Passive Aggressive, and PAs feel they’re always right…and they don’t want emotional attachment, they’re afraid of others being in control of them….so it could be a number of things!
It is something that is hindering me from feeling completely healed….and I plan to pursue this in the next several weeks…I feel for there to be complete healing…we BOTH need to know why he had the EA…
Teresa, thank you so much!! What your counselor told you has brought me much peace. If he makes a fool of me again then I will KNOW that he is not the man for me. Sometimes just having someone else say it makes it sink in faster. I just had a moment of anxiety because I got an ad for swimsuits and it reminded me that she sent my H pictures and he said they were of her in a swimsuit. Sometimes being chunky weighs heavily on my self esteem (weighs heavily-get it). Seriously that is one of the hardest things for me to move past because his OW is thin. Crap!!!
Sadsomuch….it has nothing to do with you! Try to remember that! This is ALL about your H and HIS selfishness and insecurities!! Nothing to do with your looks, your personality, etc!!
Now, for YOU, get outside and walk, or join a gym….do something for YOU, to make you feel better about yourself!
Several of my friends that I’ve made on here and on other blogs have started running…and it’s really built up their confidence!!
Do what YOU want!! Do what makes YOU feel good about yourself!
And as for the OW..she’s a selfish skank! Hold your head high….knowing YOU didn’t try to break up a marriage! That YOU have standards that she’ll never have!!
Thanks Teresa. It is true I have standards that she will never have because she was helping destroy a family of five because she isn’t happy in her own marriage. I really am trying to raise my self esteem but being bigger has always made me feel less than others. I had always hoped as I got older that this would mean less and less but I guess those feelings of insecurity never really go away. I am walking a lot and I am thinking of starting to go back to the gym and I am doing this all for me. I have also started back cooking a lot. I enjoy making things for my family especially as fall is here and winter is fast approaching. I am also tossing around the idea of going back to school for a masters degree possibly in child development because I work in a juvenile detention facility and I see a real need for services in that area. Thanks guys, I feel better about myself just knowing that you all care.
Good for you, sadsomuch! Do what makes YOU feel special and important!
And I don’t know if this helps….But the Cow, as I call her, is not attractive at all!
She outweighs me by at least 60pds, has short frizzy hair, and when she smiles you see her little teeth and her entire gum line!
In fact, she recently posted a pic of herself on FB that actually made me laugh….it’s THAT awful!! LOL!!
When I showed it to my H…he cringed!! LOL!!
I asked him “How does it make you feel to see THAT, and know that you got taken in by her “pretty words” and yet, she’s so unattractive?”
He told me “It makes me feel like a fool!!” I said “Good, remember that feeling….so you never make this mistake again!!”
It bothers me that she is so unattractive,Sadsomuch…because he gave to HER what should have been mine!
My H has always told me how beautiful I am, he loves my long, red hair, and my legs…I walk a lot, we have a lot of hills where I live and it shows in my legs and bum 🙂
And yet, he let HER weave her way into our marriage….I KNOW it’s all about my H and HIS insecurities….BUT it really did a number on me because I’ve always tried to keep myself in shape, dress beautifully, keep my hair long, almost waist length, because HE loves it that way….even though it’s very thick and takes forever to dry and style….BTW, she’s a part time hairdresser and during the EA, she actually told my H that I have beautiful hair when she saw a pic of me on his FB, and he agreed and said I have gorgeous hair…..then she started growing out her frizzy mess…because remember, my H loves long hair!! LOL!!!!
She was sooo desperate to be me! She once told him that I’m “living her life”….poor, sad excuse for a woman! She was so jealous of something she couldn’t have!
But I tell you all of that so you can see that even when a spouse “affairs down” …..it still messes with you…still makes you feel inadequate and messes with your self esteem!!
I KNOW I’m a better person than the cow….I KNOW I’m much more attractive than the cow….but…he did chose her…For a brief time (4mos) over me….and that can never be taken back 🙁
I’m pretty much over it now…we still have some work to do, well, HE has some work to do on himself….but I’ve seen a real change in him the last several weeks, so I now have hope that we will come it of this with a better marriage and two people who will NEVER take advantage of what we have, ever again!
But it’s been almost three yrs….three long years…and that sucks! Affair recovery is messy, and it’s not easy, but if you’re determined to stay together, it must be done!
Your H HAS to become your healer…otherwise, you won’t heal completely!
I have never seen a picture of the OW but I know my husband was attracted to her from the start. I also believe she is probably very pretty and thin. She said she looked me up on facebook and that her and her mother think I am beautiful. Strange isn’t it? She admitted that she was jealous because my H seemed so happy in our marriage and with his family. She believed that he would be safe to flirt with and make herself feel better. Then he started to flirt back and I guess she decided she had an opportunity to take what she wanted. She told me she felt really bad about what they did and that she hoped we could work it out because he is a good man that made a bad mistake and that I was a good person for not calling her names and trying to destroy her life. She took responsibility for her part and I think that has helped me a lot. I just wish I could get the mental picture of this beautiful woman out of my head. As to my H becoming the healer… I just don’t know. I know he is trying to be a better man and father but I think maybe I have to heal myself first.
Yes you do, Sadsomuch….you do have to heal, but there will come a point in your healing that you H will have to step up and do his part.
And wow, that’s great that she admitted her part in this and that it’s wrong! I think that does help…the cow in my case, the one and only time I talked to her, said it was MY fault because my H wasn’t happy, and that they’d done nothing wrong!
I feel sorry for HER H if that’s her attitude!
You know her H got no apologies from her!
In fact, when he found out about the EA, about 3 wks before me….from what she told my H, she pretty much blamed her H for her affair, because she was unhappy and he was never home to help her with their 3 kids…
Sadsomuch…why did the OWs mom look at your FB?? Did she know about the EA??? Or did the OW confess it to her mother? Interesting!!
And good! I hope the guilt does a number on her!
And I’m sure you are beautiful…us women are our own worse critics!! :/
Yes she said she had to confess to her mother because when her son leaves for college next spring (same age as our twin daughters) she is leaving her husband and moving in with her mother. I do believe that speaking with her helped me understand where both parties were and her taking the responsibility has helped. I told her that I wished her and her son a lifetime of happiness. She told me I was too nice. I can’t hold on to hate for her because I would be forced to hate my H and I love him too much for that. I have chosen to try to heal my own self esteem issues so that I can believe that I am beautiful. Then maybe my husband will see it too. Crazy isn’t it that the one thing I always wanted to be was beautiful and the damn OW tells me I am. What a mixed up world!! Well anyway I am feeling hopeful about our life. Counseling is going pretty well and when he mentioned her in a story about work the other day I didn’t go into crazy mode. I just nodded and said interesting. My counselor said he can talk about stuff at work now because he isn’t having to keep it hidden. That makes me feel like maybe we will weather this damn storm that blew in.
If he just sees you as the “right thing to do”, call his bluff. I’m probably not the right one to give you advice, but I think he needs to see that you’re not going to put up with his BS and that you can go on without him, even though it will be hard to do.
I have no doubt you are all the things you describe yourself as, you just need to believe it!
Or the car! It will be hard not to let the car hit him. 🙂
Lol, sad. That would be hard.
Give you something funny my h said to me one day. After a conversation about our future”
“why? doesn’t my word mean much anymore?” ” I’m giving you my word”.
Lol , Well hmmmm let me see, you just lied and made a fool of me, putting another woman’s feelings in front of my own for over a year. Now let me see, no not so much. Didn’t say that to him though, I was just dumbfounded.
My husband and I are separated. He is still talking online to the same woman he has never met. It makes me sick that he is so into her. He gave up 22 years for someone he has never met. He has closed me out completely. I have tried to talk to him but he is so cruel with his words. All he wants is her. I have tried to be civil for the kids sake. But he blames everything on me. He told the kids he does not want to even be in the same room as me. He is the one that cheated and broke up our family and yet he says such mean things to me and about me to the kids.
Monica, so sorry to hear that you and your children are going thru this behavior from your husband .
Remember it’s him not you .
He should not be discussing you to the children no matter how old they are.
These cheating spouses get so involved with the other women it’s just sickening .
My ex husband decided he wanted me back after his whore didn’t want him. I didn’t take him back because I know it will happen again.
Stay strong. And protect yourself.
You don’t deserve this .
I’m so sorry Monica your h has been treating you this way, especially over someone he has never met, how long has it been since dday, and then separation?
You do need to look after yourself and your children, your h is acting very selfish and playing the children against you is so wrong on so many levels.
I know you will get a few words of wisdom from these lovely people here that can somehow bring some support to you. It is definately an unfair situation especially after devoting your life to someone that can turn their back so easily. It’s hard to believe they are the same person.
Take care and loads of cyber hugs
It has been going on for two years. I wanted him to choose between me or her. He chose her. I left that day. I was hoping he would come to his senses by now. I guess he is still really deep in the affair fog. Thanks everyone for the responses. Cyber hugs to everyone also. I have been following this blog for almost two years. It helps to know that other people have went through this and survived to tell about it.
Monica, you waiting in hope for your h after two years of this madness is someone full of strength and character. I agree here with sdsomuch. I know you see the man you once married falling into some hole he can’t get out of, and you know it just isn’t him. Yet he won’t snap himself out, he likes this person he sees online, ( not sure why because the haven’t met) he is throwing his family away for a future with the computer. He is living in lala fantasy land. You see him needing help, you want to help him wake up, unfortunately he has to do this himself. It won’t matter what you do, you will be the bad person until he snaps out of it. I can’t tell you how long that will take , it’s been two years already his love affair with a computer whore, he mus love playing with her mouse or something,, I just don’t know what sort of satisfaction you can get out of kissing a computer or doing the deed to it.
I say honey if he is being like this and no end in sight for two years, live your life, if you meet someone then enjoy it, enjoy your children, as I’m sure they are looking at their father thinking, are you crazy dad breaking our family for someone you hav never met.? Of course.he is going to make it all your fault, but give credit to your children they see, they know and they will stand by you, they want you happy.
Your h found his happiness in a computer whore, you find your happiness with a real man, show him how real people get to enjoy each other, maybe it will start showing him the light, and if not too late he not lose you forever.
You deserve happiness don’t let this man control your happiness.
Monica I am so sorry that your H is still being an ass. Sorry but that’s the way I feel about the cs. I wish I had something super wise and wonderful to tell you but all I can say is that you must be one very strong person. You have been waiting for him to come to his senses for almost 2 years!! That takes tons of strength and character. Remember that everyday!!!
Monica, first let me say I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Yes, he is an ass. Am I correct on thinking that he has been communicating with a woman for two years, they are in love, but they have NEVER MET? Are you frigging kidding me? Since ya’ll are separated, what is the hold up? Does she live in Antarctica or something? As my father would say, “There’s something rotten in Denmark”. She has a secret, and a big one. She’s probably ugly, or married, or has a penis, or something. Who would wait TWO YEARS to meet someone? Maybe she is one of these 500 pound women who can’t leave their bed and has someone bring them buckets of fried chicken. Definitely not normal, in my opinion. Like I said, she is hiding something.
I think she is too. She isn’t telling your h the truth about herself, and definately doesn’t want anything real with him because she would have met him already. She probably hasn’t even given your h a address, because if she had if he is so smitten with her he would have gone to her already.
Wouldn’t you be wondering after two years of being in love why doesn’t she want to see me. Definately not normal.. I wonder too, if he isn’t sending this woman ( if that is what she says) money gifts etc, and completely ripping your husband off. It is strange…
There was a story on television about a guy who got obsessed with a girl he met on the internet. early twenties, I think, pretty. She always found excuses not to meet. He showed up at her house one day, and her mother said she was not there. Turned out he had been communicating with the fifty something year old mother all along . She had sent him her own daughter’s pictures. Cra Zee. He ended up murdering someone, can’t remember if it was the mother, the daughter, or maybe even his wife. This online crap is dangerous. Be careful.
Definately be careful.
This is what amazes me, I am yet to understand. How can someone fall in love with someone else by just talking online. Even these past loves, years later start chatting online, then all of a sudden they are in love. Is it because no one likes the real world anymore because of all the Internet access. It’s just easier than to actually meet. I still can’t see how anyone can fall in love in this situation.
Strength, your comments about the Computer Whore really made me laugh. I keep seeing a manin his pajamas kissing a computer that is wearing a lot of makeup and some sort of negligee. I just can’t help it.
Lol, that’s what I kept seeing, this man dragging his computer to bed, having a good old time. Whispering sweet nothings into the microphone, and listening to that sweet purring noise of the hard drive moaning with excitement. Then maybe getting a bit of pleasure out of the beeping noise coming from the speakers. I wonder if he touched it wrong would it give a error message lol
I certainly don’t want to make light of poor monica’s situation, so sorry monica just incase you took offence, not meaning to make you feel bad. I feel terribly sad for you, that your husband is acting this way, when he has a loving wife and children right theremin front of him. I just don’t understand the excitement one can get fulfilled from having an Internet romance. I wonder if it is a self esteem issue, where actually having a normal relationship can’t happen due to those issues. They can’t see the faults if they haven’t met and become intimate completely.
Strength, you are too kind a person to intentionally hurt someone.’s feelings. I try not to myself. If I did offend you, Monica, I apologize. To me it was a general image, devoted to cheaters everywhere.
Giz, it is just a general image not of one particular person, but a generalization of many. Giz, I didn’t take anything you said as hurtful, I was just starting to worry that poor Monica might think I was making a mockery of her situation, which I wasn’t. As you said, it is the image you get.
Your too nice as well giz.
I was just thinking of futurama, with all the heads that talk living a glass case, getting carried around everywhere. Gives me an image of someone having an affair with a head. Not sure where that came from, but it just spun me out, because now I have different images. Ohh dear.
Monica, do you think it could be possible your h is having a midlife crisis/depression, just like many of our spouses have. Especially after being married so long, they start questioning the person they are, wonder how there life would have been different if they were on their own with no responsibilities, no reminders of what real life is all about.
have you noticed how the cheating spouses behaviour becomes odd unusual, and nothing seems to add up or make sense. They do things they normally wouldn’t do, and they become someone completely different to the person you know. As if fighting to find the person they were before married, before family, before commitments. Like they are trying to relive their lives, as if it is going to turn back time and age or something. I wonder because I think one thing that helped my h get into his, was when one of his friends had to have heart surgery and they are a similar age, there seemed to be mire instances of some of his work acquaintances passing away and I think it shook him more than any of us realized, i think it was then that it all started where he started questioning his self worth, what he has done in life, why he hadn’t retired early, he always wanted to retire at 40, when that didn’t happen it all started to become my fault, becoming a resentment towards me and possibly the children, so when his ow came into the picture it was easy to hear her words of wisdom, and easier to let her manipulate him into doing the things she wanted, and by getting himself confused about his feelings for the ow, into thinking it was love, because it made him feel good about himself, made him feel better about having somewhere to go where there was no reality, no children of his, no business, no wife, just someone eating up his charms, eating up his words like they were candy, him being able to rescue some woman in need, have his heart feel young.
Fantasy land is a wonderful place when it removes you from real life problems and stresses.
Bingo, strength! You’re right on!!!
I think he may be depressed and going through a midlife crises. The met playing poker on a gaming site. I think what turned him on to her to begin with was she bragged about how much money she had and bragged about her nice house with a swimming pool and nice cars in New Jersey. They had been talking for awhile in private messaging. Then I think it turned sexual or something. He started acting really strange spending longer and longer hours on the computer. He started losing interest in family outings and holidays. Then he started taking more interest in his appearance. His cell phone was stuck to him like glue. I will never forget it. One night when we were asleep his cell phone received a message. he slept through it but it woke me up like it was a voice from god or something. She had sent my husband a message telling him how much she missed him and send him hugs and kisses and called him baby. I messaged her back through my husbands phone to leave him and my family alone. She did not respond. The next day my husband was pissed because I was snooping through his phone and found out what was going on. I asked him to stop talking to her. He refused. He said that she was going to leave her husband for him and that he was not in love with me any longer. I said how can you be in love with someone you have never met? He said they had a lot in common and she made him feel good about himself. I moved to a different state to stay with my dad. I figured that by me leaving he would pull his head out of his ass. Nope it just made their relationship stronger. She promised him the world. She was going to move closer to him and by them a big house. They have made several plans to meet up but she always comes up with excuses why she cant meet him. I think she is still with her husband or has something to hide. He has no idea what she looks like. This would almost be funny if it was not so pathetic. Its a total fantasy they have going. They have gotten married on this gaming site. There whole relationship revolves on the computer. They talk on the phone sometimes. He just keeps holding out for her. I think she is a fake but he will not listen to me.. His family is so worried about him. This is just so out of character for him. Its like she or it or something has brainwashed him. Sorry for the long post.
It does seem like he is depressed and midlife crisis. My h went through similar but this wasn’t over a computer. It was face to face. It took my h ages to wake up. I could see he wasn’t right he just acted completely different once the ow came into the picture. He didn’t care about anything, the only thing he cared about was his appearance making sure he always heard the ow voice. It makes me sick just thinking about it. Yet because I knew he wasn’t right in the head, I couldn’t walk away from him, even though it was killing me.
I have to jump back in here and say I see so much of what happened to my H also, with the OWs (how do you make that plural anyway) meeting needs he would never even reveal to me, it was too threatening for him to admit. The irony is that I’m pretty sure he is ending up much worse off than before and now he has to face himself in the mirror every day, knowing I took him back and believed him after the first go-around, wanted our marriage and family back together. Also, I see our situation in the fear many have expressed of “I told him I would never stand for this, and now here we are…” Well, all told, I had six major D-Days, and yet I still don’t feel I was a pushover. I can respect myself although he sure didn’t, because I chose to forgive him and allow him the opportunity to prove he had really changed. What Monica describes is also something I saw, it was definitely like an addiction and it changed him fundamentally. One of the hardest parts now is not defaulting to a pity party, ‘what he did to me’ kind of mentality. I honestly believe my life is going to be better now in nearly every way, but going through the process of divorce and the emotional recovery I need is something I never wanted to have to do. I guess life is sometimes like that. You don’t always get what you want. I’m holding out for a future that I may have never previously imagined, not one that is played out in fear, anger or bitterness. And SR, I really struggled with the exact thing you said, “I knew he wasn’t right in the head.” Problem for me, though, I wasn’t going to share him with someone else, and he just couldn’t break it off.
Oh, and about the ‘falling in love’ on the internet…I think we are all wired for relationship, and when we’re not very healthy, little sparks can become a big forest fire pretty quickly. I had the interesting experience last weekend of this guy from the gym expressing interest in being a friend, and then in less than 48 hours tipping his hand so clearly (wanted sex, and plenty of it) that it was mind-boggling. Although I didn’t know this guy from Adam, and didn’t believe most of what he said to me, just the sheer adrenaline of having someone (very attractive and attentive) appear to be ‘into me’ almost made me feel like I was on speed or something. It was powerful. And very weird and creepy at the same time.
You girls have made my day. Sorry Monica this is a horrible mess for you and the guy is more than an ass. As guy when I hear a story like yours it terrible. First, he is not in love no matter what he says. He doesn’t have the ability to be intimate . It just the same a porn on TV or pictures on the internet. No committment and can turn off the computer at will. The internet has changed the game. He actually seems to have bigger issues than a computer relationship.
Thanks again for the comments they are so helpful. Even though I still love him with all my heart I don’t think I would be able to trust him again. I don’t want to always wonder what he is doing who he is talking to and what he is doing on the computer. I am just having a hard time letting go. I am obsessed with finding out who she is so I can show her out for the fraud I know she is. This whole thing is driving me bonkers. What does she or it have that I don’t? I hacked into his email a few months ago. The things he was saying to her broke my heart. He has never talked like that to me. He is a complete different person with her.
monica, one thing I have learned along this journey is that sometimes you ache so much for the love you had. But, it actually may not be that you love him, yes, you loved him, the man you married and shared the deepest facets of your life with, but in reality, that man is now MIA, and the man who stands in his place is probably not anything like the man you loved. I don’t know if that helps you, but it sort of did me, a little. I loved a truly magnificent man, but he ceased to exist for a while, he is back now, but there is a change, the love is changed, it is no longer naive, fully, blindly trusting, there are big centurions in place surrounding my heart and mind. I found, when I looked at “that man” – the impostor that stood in my love’s place – that I didn’t love HIM, I loved the old guy, the memory of who he used to be, and the grief of losing him was so overwhelming that I attempted suicide – TWICE – I thought I was broken, and I certainly am damaged, but not crushed, it has taken a very, very long time to crawl back up the slope, but I live very mindfully now, taking in every minute pleasure I can. Love to you in your process of letting go and finding the new monica – who I have no doubt is pretty similar to the old one, but even better x
I know a lot of people will disagree, but I believe that all cheaters are insecure and lack true self esteem. I know my husband’s whorebat texted me I was “jealous and insecure”. I texted her back “it takes a mature, secure woman to run around with another woman’s husband behind her back, doesn’t it?” I meant it too. Normal married people DO NOT think well of people who show inappropriate attention to them. They think it is creepy. I know I sure do. Normal single women aren’t flattered when married men make advances to them. It’s truly a sign of LOW SELF ESTEEM, not high self esteem.
Oh, I agree Giz! Totally! My H is passive aggressive, as we found out last Feb. and he admits he’s suffered from low self esteem for years…I just never saw it!
I saw a man who left his abusive home at 17 1/2 to join the military, went to college and earned an engineering degree, while working full time in the military, and was such a success I was able to be a SAHM my whole married life!
BUT, when it come to his family…I would see a man who acted all beat down after he got off the phone with his parents!
I just could NEVER understand it and I’d often ask him, when they’d verbally attack him,”WHY didn’t you defend yourself? WHY do you let them talk to you like that??” His response was always the same “It won’t do any good.”
So yes, I saw, but did not understand how that made him feel….he would almost revert back to a small child when on the phone with his parents, it’s like he changed right before my eyes!
My H had a birthday last week….he never heard from any of his family members….not one! You KNOW that has to hurt! I don’t care how old you are!
So when he went home for a family wedding, and his two cousins were so kind and loving to him, after not seeing them for several years, and then reintroduced him to the cow….he fell for it…hook, line, and sinker!
In talking to the Cow….she told him what a success he was, and what a wonderful man he is because I didn’t have to work, whereas she does, etc….she stroked his ego, and he loved it. Plain and simple.
You will get no argument from me on that Giz. I do believe that my H and his OW are both suffering from a low self esteem. Hers could be because her husband continued to run around on her and maybe my husband because he has felt like a failure as a husband and father. Did you call her a “whorebat”? Now that’s funny!!!!
Yes, I did, lol.
In the end, all of these “Causes” or “Reasons” for people cheating are all just a bunch of BS excuses that people give for doing something they KNEW was wrong! I am so sick of articles about “WHY” they cheat! I don’t care why necessarily, I care why they didn’t care that they were becoming a lying cheating bastard so willingly… why they were so okay with being someone who destroys other people and how THEY could live with themselves when people, and society, hate cheaters!!?!
Amen! Recovering. Everything is just BS and excuses for pure selfishness! For what? Destruction of lives, including their own! All by their only and own choices, pure selfishness!