It’s been five months since we last asked you all to share your affair recovery success stories, and I believe it is well overdue for us to ask again. We need some positive reinforcement every now and then, and I think we need it NOW!
Sometimes we think, read and hear so much about the pain and devastation after an affair that life becomes one hopeless, depressing day after another. We need some fuel – some motivation to keep us going.
Realizing the successes in your affair recovery – no matter how small – can give you hope for a better future and compel you to fight on. These seemingly small successes can possibly grow and snowball into even bigger, long- lasting successes. And believe it or not, seeing that others have experienced some successes can accomplish the same thing – even if you feel you are lacking any yourself.
So, with that said…
Tell us some of your successes while recovering from the affair and how you were able to accomplish them.
For example…
Have you been taking care of yourself and getting stronger? How are you doing it?
Do you see positive changes in your spouse and his/her actions? Describe them.
Are you communicating better? How?
Do you seem to be reconnecting with your spouse?
Have the triggers and obsessive thoughts diminished? Why?
You get the idea… NO SUCCESS IS TOO SMALL!
As always, please respond to each other in the comments.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
79 replies to "Discussion – We Need Some Affair Recovery Success Stories"
I am thankful that I can comment here this time!! Yes, I still experience triggers and still have that negative voice in my head from time to time that causes fear, but they have diminished because of seeing noticeable positive changes in my H. He is more open to discussing the A, helping me when I have negative thoughts or experience triggers, is showing true remorse, taking better care of himself and most importantly is really showing me that he loves me, and that he wants me. We all just know that feeling right? We are communicating better, talking about everything without fear (I had to adjust to being honest with him again too!), and we are definitely re-connecting. It took me some time believe me, but with a lot of prayer, tears, and support from friends and this site, I did finally start taking care of myself and made a choice that I was going to be ok with or without him. My H was so deep in the fog, there were several times that I really thought my marriage was over and my heart goes out to those of you who have relationships that have not survived. For me, I had to stand up for myself. I did so without anger, without hurtful words and without harboring unforgiveness towards him.
There is a lot of truth to that old poem – “if you love something, set it free … “
That’s great stuff, E. Can you pinpoint an event or anything else that you feel motivated your husband to change?
Yes, as horrible as having multiple Ddays is, you do get stronger with every one. After #2, I let him know that he was free to go if he really wanted to be with her. After #3, I said it again only with much more control and strength behind my words. He never left, always telling me that he loved me and wanted our marriage. After #4, I left. I decided to leave instead of asking him to leave, because he needed to be alone. I wasn’t alone, I had my support system thankfully! Before even a week was over he was begging me to come home, more remorseful than I had seen ever before and asking me about seeking professional counseling for himself and for us. I felt like the man that I married and the man that I knew was back. “The fog was lifing” as you put it Doug. I hope you and Linda know just how much this site has meant to me and others!! Thank you!
Thanks E. I’m trying to provide a takeaway from your success story that others can learn from. Is the takeaway that it took a shock to your husband (you leaving) as the catalyst for change? By doing this, did he come to realize just how much he would stand to lose? If you had to do it over again, would you have left after D-day #1or #2? Sorry for pestering you, but I’m trying to make this educational, so to speak!
Yes, I would definitely say that it was the catalyst for change. My H used the words “woken up”. I admit that I am a forgiving person by nature. My H knows this about me and I believe he knew that I would forgive. Because of this though, I do feel that it shocked him when I finally actually left. In talking with him I would say that he always knew how much he stood to lose, even in the beginning of the affair. But he was drawn in, he was vulnerable because of distance between us and she made herself available. Then the emotions came into play and he was hooked. If I had to do it over again, No I would not have left after #1. Yes, I do wish I would have had the courage to have done it after #2 or #3.
I agree, Linda! It is time for some successes! Especially since we just celebrated Thanksgiving! I’ve definitely reflected on all the blessings I’ve received this year! I believe I commented on this discussion 5 months ago, and I’m so happy to say that my marriage is better now than it was then! I’ve seen so many positive changes in my H. He leaves me little love notes around the house, sends me sweet text messages throughout the day, and is very good about letting me know his whereabouts. He is finally showing me the love that I wanted/needed for so long! We can rationally discuss the EA now, though those talks are few and far in between! My H is starting to let go of the guilt and shame he’s felt. I can say that the triggers have significantly diminished. When they do happen, I’m able to quickly deal with them. My H and I have also re-connected. We love each other now more than we ever have. We’re able to laugh and be silly again with each other.
That’s fantastic RM! I’m going to ask you the same thing I asked E… What motivated your husband to turn things around like that?
Doug, sorry it took so long to respond. But I didn’t recall ever actually asking him that…so I did. He said that he felt we were starting to turn the corner on our relationship actually a couple of weeks before D-day and he was really feeling convicted for what he was doing and had started trying to end the EA. He said that once I found out, it was like a giant slap in the face that shook him back to reality. He realized that all the time and effort he was putting into the OW, he should’ve put into our marriage. He said once he processed all of this and knew that he loved me and wanted our marriage (not just wanting “to do it for the kids”) that he really had no desire to continue contact with the OW.
Small things all add up. We’re not talking about the affair and I doubt my H will ever feel able to talk about it but his everyday gestures amount to much re-assurance. Making me a cup of tea in the evening. Suggesting he come Christmas shopping with me AND helping with present wrapping (rather than leaving it all to me). Giving me a spontaneous hug or a smile. Asking me to accompany him on business trips whenever possible. Enjoying the food I cook. Planning ‘just us’ lazy weekends. Laughing about things. Saying thank you.
I’m getting stronger too. Triggers are still loud and clear but less painful most of the time although the memory of to those dark D-day times will not leave me, nor will the ‘why’ questions and the ‘can I trust him again?’ fears. But,maybe, one day?
Ashley, What you say makes sense, but what doesn’t is that your site promotes infidelity!
I’m pretty certain “Ashley” is an ad, and in very poor taste for your site.
I agree, though it didn’t get flagged as spam. I’m going to remove the comment.
I’m not dwelling on the EA as much and this is because I do believe my H is not in contact with the OW, that he really did start to see her for what she is, a dishonest woman, who cares only for herself, and I do believe he was in in for the admiration, not a long term relationship!
He is very open about his cell phone, if there is a number I don’t recognize he calls it right away, so I can hear who is on the other end. Makes for some funny conversations, when it’s a business contact and he has to make up a quick excuse as to why he’s calling! LOL!!
I’m having more good days then bad, so that is a BIG improvement! He’s agreed to start counseling after Christmas…and he tells me he loves me and never wants to lose me! He talks with me more about the EA sometimes, answers my questions, though he still struggles with being completely open…but he has always been like that, even before the EA!
The negatives are that he has promised me several times to read this blog, to educate himself on EA’s so that he knows when I get into “the dark pit” it’s not because I WANT to be there, but I just can’t seem to stop it, I’m a little disappointed that he’s not more proactive… I mean, he HAS read this blog, maybe twice…but I also know that for our marriage to get past this, we BOTH have to work together on rebuilding the foundation!
Linda or Doug, can I ask you…how long AFTER the EA, did Doug start educating himself on how to rebuild your marriage? I don’t think I’ve read that on here… I’m just wondering if my H is on track, 11 months out from D-day….Thanks!!!
IFSD, Good stuff. I’m happy for you. I’m horrible with remembering time lines and such, but certainly I resisted reading anything at first. I’m sure it was several months before I did. You might want to try and do it in small increments. For instance, print out a single post for him to read, or ask him to read a single chapter of a book or to read for just 10 minutes. Heck, you can read it to him and then discuss it. Keep trying until you find something that works, but don’t over do it and don’t be pushy about it. Good luck!
Thanks Doug, That’s what I’ve been doing! We’re away from home for the next few days, he had a business trip and I came with him…so we are supposed to do a little talking and reading about how to make our marriage stronger.
For me, it’s no longer about the EA, yeah, it still hurts to think about it, but I have learned so much from this site, and that has helped me to better understand why he acted the way he did during the EA.
Last week I read an article to him that someone posted on here…it is SO powerful! Here it is in case others might have missed it http://www.dearpeggy.com/2-affairs/com023.html
When I read it to my H, I changed it to make it more personal, and towards the end, I started crying because I COULD have written this!! He was very quiet afterwards and looked at me and said he understands…it’s moments like those that I crave!
I think we are going to be OK…I just have to conquer the fear that he is making a fool of me still, like he did last year…that’s the hardest part, that the man I thought I knew so well…I really didn’t know!
But small steps, just small baby steps forward, are better than small steps backward, right!
IFSD, If I can add – the fact that your H is going to begin counseling is great. Because even better than you giving your H materials to educate himself – your counselor will very likely do this for you. I know that ours has done this. It sort of removes you from that “here honey, let me educate you!” role which your H, although very willing, may still feel a little uneasy about and may be more inclined when coming from your counselor.
You’re right, E…I can’t be wife, lover, best friend AND counselor!! It’s to much! Just hope we can find a GREAT counselor! The one I tried in May was a BIG let down…To quote him “Well, this is a small “blip” on the radar…you’ve had a good 25 yrs together, just concentrate on that”…Umm, yea, riggghhhtt, I’ll do that!! NOT!! LOL!!
E…I DID IT!!! Just made an appt. with a counselor for NEXT Wed!!! I’m sooo excited!! It’s a Christian group, which is important to me, because I want them understand how I feel so let down…by my H AND God…I know I shouldn’t, God has revealed himself to me in soooo many ways the last 11 mos. But still, it hurts when I feel that God didn’t open my eyes sooner…and then I feel guilty for blaming God!! LOL! But I know he loves me and understands my feelings of betrayal…after all, He was betrayed by those He loved also!
Anyway, I can’t believe how I feel right now…like the weight of the world is off MY shoulders! Help is right around the corner! YES!!!
I am so excited to read your posts IFSD!! That is great news and I know that relief you feel is such a refreshing feeling. Do not let counseling with your H overwhelm you … I’ll explain – sometimes it can be rough – especially the first session! It brings things out of you and your H (that’s what is supposed to happen!). So, keep going and use the thoughts and comments that are brought out to encourage eachother 🙂 I am also a christian and I have no doubt that God has been with me throughout this whole ordeal. I also know that it wasn’t until I gave up trying to control and fix the situation myself, and gave it to God, that things just kept going downhill. I had to give it up to God and I am so glad I did! He is there for you – sometimes we just need a little reminder! I’ll be praying for you, keep me posted!
Its been about a month or so since the D day. There has been no contact with the OM. The wife seems the happiest she’s been in quite some time which means I’m the happiest I’ve been. The holidays couldn’t of come at a better time as there is a lot for both of us to do together.
I know the EA is her fault but I had been lacking in the relationship. I have improved myself and the home life considerably. We are spending more time together than we had in quite some time. I trust her 100% when she goes out with her friend (which was called the accomplice during the EA).
I still review the phone records and dislike that she goes out. I still smother a bit in giving and asking for affection. But it’s all less than a month ago and should norm out again soon. I am also back to eating and the two pack a day cig habit has been brought back down to normal.
Voice, those are remarkable successes after just more than a month. Congratulations.
Thx. From the evidence I found, the EA had only been going on for more than a month. Also, with our discussions about our relationship before the D day, it seemed that she really wanted us to work. Maybe I had/have an easier situation than others here.
Another thing is that I am 95% it wasn’t physical beyond some possible kissing? It still hurts like the dickens when I think about even that but without the scars of a PA attached, these wounds seem to be healing a little bit better.
Man, I hate to say it, but you got a lot more trust than I’d have! You’re still letting them be together? Sorry, but I just couldn’t live with that.
NO! She goes out with a girlfriend. There is and is not allowed any contact with the OM. Sorry if I didn’t make that clear.
My success has come through learning aboutmyself. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever imagined I have grown closer to myself. With alot of soul searching and introversion I have learned I can only blindly trust myself. I can only depend on me for my happiness. And I am able to stay and work on the relationship with h because I know I don’t have to. I would be ok on my own. This makes me want to make things work with h even more.
I can’t pinpoint a specific incident. It’s more a gradual change that has taken place inside of me. For so long I thought my happiness and success was outside of me and I now know it’s with in me. I am thankful that God has tested me this way so that I could learn aboutmyself I just pray He realizes I have learned the lesson and never tests me this way again.
Success? Hells YA! I am FABULOUS! I’ve gotten a grip on myself, lost 75lbs, am training for a half marathon, and have started to fall in love with myself. (and that’s just the physical side of my journey!)
I knew at the start of this nightmare that if i was to survive I had to become strong mentally, emotionally and physically.
All the mental cruelty I have inflicted on myself my whole life I have started to heal. I have come to terms with the fact that my husband isn’t the white knight i believed him to be, and that I simply can’t rely on him for my emotional well being. I really would rather have not had to go through the gut wrenching pain of the last 6 months, and I know I have a long way to go, but i wouldn’t want to be anywhere but where I am. I have learned to live in this moment, it’s the only one I have.
I remain married and working on building a strong and healthy relationship. Something that keeps me strong and confident IN my marriage is the FACT that in the unlikely and truly tragic event that this marriage doesn’t work out, I will be just fine.
THAT is my success story.
Still struggling,
You hit the nail right on the head!
I so chuckled about the God comment.
There is light at the end of your tunnel.
Maybe not at the end of your relationship’s tunnei but that is ok!
Good luck!
So, it has been nearly 5 months since my wife asked for a separation, and 2 months since I found out that she was in the midst of 2 emotional affairs. 2 weeks ago, she was still struggling with her second affair, and was able to give it up. (she doesn’t know that I am aware that she didn’t give up the second affair.)
All this time, I worked on improving myself as a person. I separated myself from the behaviors that caused me to not be very likable. I began working out and losing weight (I look great right now!) I began to realize how my past choices affected me and my family, and began to improve myself as a person. she states she has noticed, but has doubts that I will continue to be this improved person.
Last week, she came to me and suggested marital counseling. We had both been seeing therapists separately. This was a huge step since she was unwilling before.
Since she got rid of the “noise,” she has been starting to show signs of caring about me and our marriage. On Thanksgiving, she decided at the last minute to spend it with us, rather than be alone. We went out on a date, and flirted and had a great time. We have a long way to go… She still won’t let me touch her, and we still have trust boundaries… but we are getting along famously, and she is willing to work on our marriage at this point.
I have had multiple victories:
My 5 year battle with depression ended shortly after our separation
I am at my high school weight, and I am as healthy as I have ever been.
I enjoy my wife the way I wish I had for the past many years.
I think I am earning my way back into my wives heart.
I am a little scared to start counseling, because I am sure it will bring up some painful emotions at first, but I am looking forward to rebuilding our marriage.
How long does it generally take before things start improving? My husband confirmed his EA about 5 weeks ago, although I had suspected it for several months before that. Although my H has said that he is sorry and has asked for my forgiveness, he doesn’t actually seem to be very remorseful; that is, he does not seem to be making any efforts to communicate better with me, to be more affectionate, etc. When I point this out to him, he seems annoyed. He also doesn’t wish to discuss the specifics of his EA any more than we already have. Although I believe that he feels guilty and embarrassed, I would like to see him make some visible efforts to demonstrate that he is committed to repairing our marriage. He has begun to see a counselor, which I think is a great step, but that’s about it. He says that he hopes the counselor will help him to make better decisions. I am wondering if his behavior could be a result of guilt and shame that he still sorting out. Otherwise, why would he stay? I gave him my blessing to leave if he wants. Thoughts?
Hopeful. oes
Just keep reading this blog, that’s what I’ve been doing! I’ve learned a lot about what my H is thinking! The fact that he’s in counseling is good…I’d be patient for a few weeks and see how it goes…for sure he needs to open up to you, I’m of the firm belief that you cannot heal properly without his help…IF he wants to stay in the marriage that is…and the fact that he’s in counseling and stayed with you tells me he is where he wants to be! Keep us posted!
Thanks, ifsd. I do read this blog, and it helps to know that I am not alone in all of this. I’m not really sure if my H really wants to stay in the marriage, or if he just doesn’t want to leave, if you know what I mean. We have 2 children, and neither of us wants to split our time with them. We went to marriage counseling this past summer (while my H was engaged in his EA, but before I knew about it), and the marriage counselor ultimately dismissed us, saying that there was nothing he could do for us until my H figured out what he wanted. The counselor separately told me that my H’s heart was not in our marriage, but that he didn’t want to leave. Of course, I know now that my H was in the throes of his EA at that point. Hopefully, counseling will help him. In the meantime, however, I feel like my life is on hold, waiting for him to figure out what he wants. If it weren’t for my children, I’m certain that I would have given up on him by now. But I am hanging in there for now, focusing on myself and my children, and just wondering when my H will sort himself out, one way or the other. I am willing to work on our marriage, but I am not willing to tolerate his ambivalence much longer.
Hopeful,
Have you told him that? “I am willing to work on our marriage, but I am not willing to tolerate his ambivalence much longer.” He needs to KNOW that!
It took many months for my H to finally start to come around, and it wasn’t because he was “in the fog” I truly believe that the OW meant nothing to him, other than a “fan club”…and he’s still dragging his feet 11 1/2 mos later! That’s why we are going to start counseling…I’m losing patience…I know he loves me, but I also know him well enough that if I never say another word about the EA, he won’t either….in spite of the fact that he knows how much it still hurts me!
I read somewhere on here about empathy…and I now know, my H has none! Not with me, our children, his own immediate family! And it’s because of how he grew up…he goes months without talking to his parents…and it doesn’t bother him at all…I wonder if he has a lot of anger towards them…and doesn’t even realize it?
Hoping that with counseling your H will come around! So many marriages that are hurting….it’s so sad…it really is!
Thanks for your comments, IFSD. I have indeed told my husband that I am willing to work on our marriage, but that I am unwilling to tolerate his ambivalence much longer. I’ve told him that many times. He says things like, “I understand” and “You shouldn’t have to tolerate such ambivalence”, which are really non-answers as far as I am concerned. I keep coming back to the fact that he is going to counseling, though, which is a step that I never thought he would take in a million years. So, I am trying to be patient while he sorts himself out. In the meantime, I feel so much stronger than I did 6 months ago. The decisions to enter into the EA and to lie to me were his decisions, not mine. He needs to figure out why he made those bad decisions. I will try to be patient. For awhile anyway.
It has been almost 6 months and my CS finally is seeing the light and started repenting for his sins(not just saying he was sorry but meaning it and being concerned about my welfare) . Hopefully it will continue.
It has been 3 months since D Day for us, my HB has been very supportive and reassuring and I think that this has been a huge help in being able to move forward. He cut off contact with the OW immediately and even though she has continued to try to pursue him, he has been open and transperent. Already I am beginning to have more good days than bad days and the triggers and thoughts that were overwhelming in the beginning are already becoming easier to deal with. There has been lots of communication and I truly feel that this is the key.
Im not having a good day so listing our successes is much needed.
It’s been 4mos since DD. Two months ago, I felt like quitting after doing The Last Resort. At that time I started to improve my relationship with my parents, siblings, friends, in-laws (they have been supportive of me since day 1!) as well as him. I immersed myself in many books recommended by Linda, Divorce Remedy, Tough Love, Men are from Mars, Break free, The Cure, Keep your Marriage, The Love Dare and a new one I just got, I Love you but I’m not in love w u. Phew! I am now giving friends advice! LOL!
All in all I learned that I don’t know how to show love. I have since changed that. Now I compliment him, praise him, thank him, ask him for advice (and take it!), allow him to make parenting decisions etc.
We r separated (4 1/2 mos) and he is still seeing OW and continues to say he doesn’t want to come back. BUT!!! We now communicate better than before. He calls me to see what “we” r up to. He comes over every morning before work and bring me Starbucks (that’s an extra hr commute cuz he’s backtracking!). The cell is not glued to his hand. Hes mr relaxed. He said he wants me to spend the holidays w his family (since I nurse our 4mos old-who cares!! I’ll take it as a success! Lol!). Last week he wanted us to go out as a family twice. (we didn’t bcuz he didn’t bring it up again, but again- he hasn’t mentioned that in 2mos! So it’s a success!) He came over Sunday morning just bcuz 🙂 n brought me Starbucks!! Whoooo!!! Then 2 days ago I just listened to him as he talked about work. He later text me, thank u for listening to me!! Whoooo!! Lol!! (I have to be my own cheerleader, can u tell 🙂
Today I was talking to his mom and I asked her (he has a very close relationship w her) how do u see him. She said, he looks undecided compared to before. THAT’S FREAKIN’ AWESOME!! We want that indecision because next comes…. U know it… Realization!!
I have not only used this experience to improve my relationships w everyone but I have also started running like a mad (literally) woman to let out all this anger and started playing the guitar to mellow me out. We have more good days then bad. Th past couple have been bad. And guess what’s around the corner!! That’s right, GOOD DAYS!!
WOW Vero!! I love your enthusiasm! Sounds to me like you are doing the right things! Good for you! I love that his family is so supportive of you! The fog will lift, you just have to be patient…will keep you in my prayers!! ((Hugs))
this is the first time I’ve posted, although I’ve been reading this site for months and it has been very helpful. Vero, I am in an almost identical situation to yours! My husband is carrying on an affair with his high school girlfriend – we have been separated since mid-July (dday) and he continues to say he’s not coming home, at least not at this point. I have done all of the same things as you – read all the books, tried to do my LRT, etc. Haven’t done as well as you have, but I’m still trying. I’m like you — I feel very conflicted about spending time with him as a family (we have 2 little kids) but also feel that being with him gives me the opportunity to demonstrate my changes. It’s a catch-22, because when I’m with him and then wind up getting angry or controlling, I think it actually does more damage than when I don’t see him at all. Ugh. And yet, I’m obviously afraid if I cut myself off from him it will just allow him to pursue his relationship with OW even more. But I have recently decided that I want to do everything possible to save my marriage, and I’m trying to stand (Rejoice Marriage Ministries) faithfully in the face of adversity, so I keep on keepin’ on, even on the bad days.
In some ways, I think he’s been softening a very, very small bit recently (we’re talking a little more and I’m trying to demonstrate unconditional love), but it’s still looking nearly impossible that he’s ever going to wake up from the fog and decide to work on our marriage. He’s like a completely different person right now. EVERYONE notices the changes in him…our families, friends, etc. My sister-in-law, who has known him since he was 18, said she has never in all her years seen him behave so poorly. She said he seems so “checked out” and shallow…which actually validated me since I’m obviously the main recipient of his behavior these days, so I’m glad to see others have noticed as well.
He says we need to build our friendship before we can even discuss our marriage. He doesn’t see how our marriage can ever be different (hello, Divorce Busting!). He doesn’t believe in my changes. He doesn’t think the affair is our main problem (that’s the fog talking, I know, but it still hurts to hear!) and says if she wasn’t in the picture, we’d probably still be separated. Again, I know this is probably the affair fog talking, but it’s hard not to react.
All of this is to say, Vero, that I think you are making GREAT progress! Keep up the good work. And please share any tips you might have on how to stay positive when you see your H. Sounds like you are doing a better job than I am.
Linda and Doug, thank you for this site. It is a godsend!
I want to be a success story. My husband is doing everything right. Everything is how it should be…how it should have been without the EA. Why can’t I just accept that it happened and appreciate what we have now? I don’t want another man. I want my husband but without the scars. We were. So close until the anniversary of the start of the EA came around. This is going to be rough. I’d like to curl up and die right now.
I know this was awhile ago but how are you now? It’s been 5 years since D Day and 2 years since the last lies trickled out. He’s doing everything he can but it just seems not enough.
Success is still on going for us,My Partner has opened up a wee bit and is now more caring doing more around the house and showing me more attention.we talk about his work,and silly things like the news,weather,programs on TV,and we make fun out of each other in a nice way,had to clip him round the ear on a few occations though! He tells me that he loves me and more importantly he is in love wth me,i explained to him that triggers will still happen and he needs to give me space when they do,as its not me pulling away or me trying to hurt him, its me battling my mind, as what i went through wasnt all in my mind at the time off his EA .HE UNDERSTANDS,tells me he is so sorry and it was one of the worst times of his life looking back.Itold him that i trust him and that he has my full support,and i think thats what he needed to hear,boosting his ego,but also on the flip side i told him if he feels like there is something lacking in our relastionshp and its onesided on his part,just stop and think of the bigger picture,are we falling back into routine,whats going on with our kids life(they do have a better social life than us) and either fix it,or get out as looking for someone else wont help but only destroy and he understands this.Also i have told him that i dont mind him talking to other woman if he needs to, friends true friends will embrace your family and positives will out weigh the negitive.I think all will be well,roll on 2012
Sorry for the long post! But it is the first time I can see positives without the shadow of deep sadness. I took a chance to do it.
I tried to drive my anger and pain into constructive things. I woke up to the reality that I overlooked my needs for too long while building up my family. I have done more for myself in over a year than I had ever done in the previous 19 years before his PA. I was very angry and hurt, and not always wanted to be with or see him. So… I reorganized my finances, in case I had to ‘just leave’ as I felt like so many times in the early days. I read many books
recommended in this site or found on amazon about Affairs, betrayal, relationship, building trust, CBT, etc.
Started counseling by myself, than later as a couple. I traveled with friends and by myself, I went back to further my studies, in the beginning just because I wanted to be out of his sight and the house, but I made good friends, people that know little about my life outside of class, my lessons occupies my mind over all the bad thoughts. I used my anger to power me in my job, becoming more assertive therefore a stronger professional. I changed the location of my office to be closer to my H and friends.
We reorganized our finances, so to free some money for our healing process, weekly dating, some traveling, counseling etc. He changed job so we can spend more time together and to avoid ever being in the OW area. We have been spending more time together than ever before (his needs now, he wants always to be close to me) I read somewhere that it is called – Shoulder time, just sitting side by side is fine. No talking needed.
We worked really hard to learn how to communicate with each other in deeper levels than before. Our counselor told us that, there should have nothing we should not be able to talk about with each other and we pretty much got to that level now or very close to, as we are still working on it. We have open ourselves in ways that we never though possible. He says that he never felt so vulnerable, but I, feel liberated. All I have to be, is myself without any fear or any pretense.
My H became more humble, lost the arrogance gained previous and during the affair. We were too smugly about our ‘great relationship’ to notice the changes.
We share our tasks more evenly and justly. He appreciates me more and says so. I still have problems and withhold praise, as I didn’t before, because I think that I still hold a huge grudge against him for all suffering, but I am trying hard not to.
I am still learning to accept that is more important, why he stayed than why he strayed.
I learned to ask for help if I need instead of trying to be the super wife, mother, women. He is still in counseling trying to figure out, why he needed to betray me again (once when we were still dating, one night stand, all dealt with and left in the past) once committing to such a serious thing as marriage. I think that he is so ashamed that he can not completely face his deepest feelings even with his counselor. So instead he shows me that he cares for me, it is easier than face yourself isn’t it? I am calmer and happier than I have been in a long time. But physically I withdraw. I still can not stand that the sex he had with OW made our sex life spoiled, all the special feelings I had about our physical connection is gone! I still have to work on this one harder. It makes me very sad. As all the rest seems to be the work we need, to get ourselves on the way to healing.
I meant ‘Shoulder to shoulder time’! Like reading together, watching TV, listening to music.
The day an affair is discovered is the first day of one of the most difficult journeys that you will take. When I first discovered my husbands affair a good friend (and life coach) told me that there is only one question that needs to be answered.
That is ‘do you want to be married to this person?’
For the longest time as I processed all the emotions that comes with discovery I had no answer, processing emotions take a long time and take up so much emotional energy. I went to work on myself and in fact have become a very self aware person, now in tune to how I’m feeling and responding to the changes in my environment that I see need some attention, the old me would have been more ‘oh it will work itself out’… this is a huge success. I have taken up many outside interests and I continue to learn and not stagnate.
The big change came for us a few weeks ago when it became clear that my father in law was gravely ill, it seemed to have triggered something in my husband, it opened him to pain and to acknowledge pain. All the final walls just came tumbling down and he stood before me as the man I married, no secrets, no lies, no deception. Just the man I married, a man who needs his wife by his side, a man that acknowledges the pain that was created, a man that made a terrible mistake, a man that learned, a man who cried for the first time.
And with that the final shard of ice that was lodged in my heart melted away and I felt an overwhelming feeling of love for him. And finally I could answer ‘yes, I want to be married to this man’…
We stand together today as a unit, two people that were blown apart and managed to find each other again. I know there were moments here that I doubted my marriage but I’m sure without a moments hesitation that my place in this world is by this mans side.
That is our success, to have taken this journey and survived, to be able to say today that I love my husband, that I’ll be there for the dark days ahead and he’ll be there for mine in the future.
For all of you just starting out on the journey I know its hard, I know there are moments when you want to slam the door on the whole mess, and all the other dark thoughts that run amok in our minds and hearts. My only advice is to answer that question, if the answer is yes then you do what you need to do to make it work, if the answer is no, well you know what to do and, like me, the answer isn’t there in the beginning then don’t give up until the answer comes. Once it does the decision will be an easy one.
Linda and Doug, thank you both for putting your thoughts, feelings and emotions right out there for others, you have guided many including myself. You are good people.
I feel my time with you all has come to an end, that its my time to move on, I have done my transformation and we are flying away on our new marriage wings…
Goodbye and Good luck to all
Irish Kate, that is a wonderful post and I’m really happy for you. We appreciate you contributions over the last several months and wish you the very best. I can’t think of a better reason for which to part company.
Irish Kate, that was an amazing post, I’m so full of “warm fuzzies” after reading it, I feel, and really hope, that I may be just about on the same path, just a fair few steps behind you, much love for a fuller and happier future, that YOU have made happen 🙂
Irish Kate,
I wish you all the best. Thank you for sharing your success story. I really needed to read that. I will be copying your post and will reread your words and I’m going to begin asking myself that very question. “Do I want to be married to this man?”
I wish you both much happiness, love, and joy!
Wonderful news, Kate!! A BIG YES for a marriage being restored!! Good luck and may your “new” life be full of the happiness YOU deserve!!
Good News. Well, it has been over a month now and already we’re making big strides in the right direction. I took my daughter out to give her a promise ring and to give her pointers on how to choose a Godly partner in life and we got to the topic of what to do to prevent what had happened to Mom and Dad in her own future marriage. That’s when she let out a bombshell. She told me of an incident that had happened on our last family and “friend” vacation together. I’d already left the vacation to return to work and my wife and her “friend” were behaving in ways that really made my two sweet girls very uncomfortable and they called her on it. Though my wife had told me that she’d come clean on everything in the EA, she not “come clean” on this incident, which was just a week prior to D-Day. She’d been messaging the shirtless EA “friend’s” shoulders in front of the girls. In fact, my daughter told me that she’d planned to sleep in the same bed with the friend because they were in a tiny motel room and there were only two beds. This turned out to be untrue, according to my wife and my other daughter, who claim that my wife never intended to do that. Our daughters took her out into the hall to tell her that it was just not right for her to be acting like that with the family “friend” and she broke down and cried. The reason she cried was that I’d just before the vacation read a couple of emails that made me very uncomfortable and asked her to act and talk with him in a much more appropriate tone. At that time, I didn’t recognize their friendship as an emotional affair, but felt like the friendship was getting to close for comfort. The story was a major trigger to me and all of a sudden, everything from D-Day flooded back and I felt my heart heading back into that very bad dark place it had been for several weeks since D-Day. I knew that my wife had kept this secret because she wanted to protect herself but also because she knew that the story would only add to my hurt after D-Day happened, but God clearly wasn’t happy with ANYTHING being hidden from me. My daughter wasn’t tattling on her mom, but thought that my wife had come completely clean with me as my wife claimed she had. Of course, I had to confront my wife of the failure to be completely truthful, but at the same time, God reminded me that this had all happened before D-Day and that since D-Day, my wife had made all the right moves to cut off all contact with the OM and several major steps to repair our marriage. It was nothing like D-Day, but it hurt to find out she’d not been completely truthful with me about coming clean, a huge step in the recovery process. Thankfully, this time, after so many hours of studying EAs and how to recover (including from this site), I asked God for the grace to forgive her once again and within 24 hrs we were back to where we should be on the path out of this hell hole. Our relationship is headed in the right direction, though, I don’t know how I’d respond if any more “revelations” come to light. The Bible is so true! Your sins will definitely find you out! I’m thankful to all the great men and women of God that have contributed to us learning and growing through this and I pray everyday that God will give me the grace to completely forgive her one day. I want to be totally past this, but I feel like it will take a long time.
MadMD,
I know how you feel….but I’m not where you are…yet! I’m still having trouble “connecting” with God again…and it’s been over 11 mos with me!
In the beginning, right after DDay, I drew closer to God, He was my strength….but now, I find I’m really struggling with wanting to draw closer to God…if that makes sense?
I think I understand the reason…it’s because I haven’t forgiven my H yet…and I think to myself, HOW can I communicate with God, when I’m not forgiving?
But I also know that forgiveness is a process…and since DDay, I found for 4 mos after my H LIED to me…and when I found out that he was lying, it set me back again and again…and it was the same as you, he didn’t give me the truth about the relationship, instead I had to find out on my own, and every month when I found out, he told me I knew “everything” now…which was a lie, so I think that is why my “forgiveness” struggle is still ongoing!
Good luck with this journey you are on, MadMD…it’s quite the “ride”!!
I also am very thankful to have a success story in progress. My H (formerly known as CS) and I have reconnected, we’re having fun, we’re talking much more (although not about everything I want), and slowly rebuilding trust after his 2-year EA. I have made major changes in my life – much of it thanks to Doug and Linda and all the resources they have recommended (I now have an “affair library” at my house).
To try to answer Doug’s question of what made my H get out of the fog, I decided to ask him last night how he got out of it so quickly (9 days after D-day) and initiated no contact. He did his usual “I don’t know,” but I calmly probed, and he said a few things: my ultimatum of no contact; realization of what he was doing was wrong (even though he admitted he knew it was wrong several times during the 2 years but kept on anyways); and shame before God once I found out. His OW tried desperately to keep the contact going – we eventually changed email, cell number, blocked our home phone, etc. – and he says he is confident if she got ahold of him now, he’d say Hello and hang up (I’m not confident about that, however, as that is against his affable personality).
I attribute my success story to Doug and Linda’s story – Linda so honestly and completely explaining what she did and what worked and what didn’t, her recommendations of how she’d handle it if she had to do it all over gave me a map of how to act and handle things, i.e. don’t make any rash decisions, take care of myself (I went away with a friend for 3 days to the mountains after D-day); a few bouts of anger toward my H were okay but then calm talking is the way to go; do an about-face and back off and work on myself; recognize my contribution to the problems in my marriage (but take no blame for my H’s affair). Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Linda and Doug. And thank you, God, for helping me find this site so quickly after D-day.
Oops – forgot one thing. My H also said something to me about he knew I was NOT dependent on him financially, so he took my No Contact ultimatum seriously. He thinks this is a big factor that should be considered and prepared for before giving the No Contact ultimatum. It must have some bite behind it, in other words, or it will fall on deaf ears. So the timing of the No Contact ultimatum is extremely important and may require much preparation, both emotionally and financially.
I’d say that the biggest thing that really opened my wife’s eyes to how unacceptable her behavior had become, was when I told her she could keep her best friend, but that “I want a divorce and her out of the house by morning”. That’s when the excuses, most of the lies, and the cheating stopped cold turkey. Later on, after the D-Day blow up, she was going through the sadness of the loss of her “good friend.”, something we hurt spouses should understand and prepare for. She asked if she could return to being friends with him, just in a much more appropriate way or at least email him to tell him she was sorry for what she’d done, so that there wouldn’t be hurt or hard feelings between them. I looked so hurt by that question that she decided it wasn’t worth her keeping him EVEN as a distant friend. All communication has been completely off since D-Day, thank God. A complete cut off of communication between the CS and the OM or OW is HUGE, people. You CSs out there visiting this site need to know that this a big key to success at restoring the marriage. It isn’t so much about what IS the truth about your “friendship,” with someone outside your marriage. Both spouses often see things through selfish tinted glasses and it isn’t easy to put yourself mentally in the other person’s shoes. What’s important is that you come to grips with how your actions are PERCEIVED by your spouse. They aren’t paranoid (well not usually). Your intimacy with someone else regardless of whether or not there was porn talk or behavior, is what kills them inside. To the bitter end, my wife has told me that there was no sexual aspect/attraction to their relationship. Maybe I’m a sucker to believe her, given how they were flirting, but I’d rather be wrong than continue to damage my marriage. Now that she’s educated herself about EAs, she understands a lot more how I felt and just how devastating the EA was to me. She has admitted that had things not been as good as they were at the time between us, it wouldn’t have taken much to push them to the next level.
My H says the same thing! Nothing sexual happened, he had never made plans to have it go any deeper than just a “good” friendship, etc…Do I believe him? Now that’s the BIG question! He seems so sincere…but this is the same guy who lied to me for 4 mos….so how can I truly know? Like you, I just have to leave it alone…
You can never know for sure! That’s just it! The CS can always just go more covert the next time. Worrying about that simply kept my stomach in knots. You have to let that go… You have to eventually trust him at his word, or go insane with worry and fear. The bottom line is that our spouses chose us when, like other poor souls here, they could have chosen to leave us for the other person. I hope full trust will come to all of us trying for a restored marriage. I know we can never go back to the “innocence” of prior to the EA, but that’s sadly our cross to bear.
I have ques for those separated. Because H is still seeing OW, 2mos ago I refused to go on family outings he initiates until he is no longer seeing her. He says he doesn’t want to come back but would like for us to do things together “for the sake of the kids.” today my therapist recommended I go on these family outings. What do u all think?
Vero – I’m not separated from my H, but I think whether you go on these outings depends on if it’s a positive experience for you 🙂 I’m assuming the therapist thinks it’s good for your kids for you to go to these family outings, but I think kids are much smarter than we give them credit for. I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to set boundaries about your H’s behavior, set consequences such as no family outings together, and then abide by them. I’m assuming you’ve communicated your boundary to your H, yet he wants to violate it anyway by still seeing the OW. Take care of YOU. I suppose if you’re getting enough emotional support and love from others during this time, since your H is dropping the ball as a husband at this point, then you might be strong enough to do these joint family outings. But I think it’s a tall order. Stay calm and strong and work on you – you’re worth it 🙂
I don’t know…it’s a double edged sword…You HAVE set some boundaries….and I think that’s great! He can’t have his cake and eat it too!
Yet, on the other hand…a family outing, if YOU can handle it, will really show him what he’s missing! And it will push the OW to the back of his mind! Did your therapist give a reason to WHY you should do the family outings?
He asked me if I’ve looked at the pros n cons. Pro is our 3yo gets so excited when I’m in the car w them :'(. Also he recommended I tell him to put his cell on silent while he’s w us. But no he didn’t say why. I was sobbing cuz of my son n didn’t ask.
It has been a few months short of a year since I uncovered my husbands three week affair with a co-worker of both of us. As she was very conniving and unstable it turned into a bit of a fatal attraction real quick. From the moment I uncovered the truth my husband has been very empathetic and supportive. He never once has fired back at me when I’mpointing fingers, am resentful and angry. He in fact was relieved when it all came to light and it was over. The girl was fired and put of our lives (aside from some nasty internet postings on Craigslist and Facebook, which we choose to ignore). It took about six months before I felt like myself again. Where I could look at my husband without an immediate reminder. I was doing great for three months and then a few weeks ago I came down the rollerxoaster. He true to make it better and I can’t think of a thing more that can be done except give me time. I feel a huge loss of faith in the world. I have gotten more balance in my life. I amin better shape then high school, have more friend, hobby and quality time with my husband. I just wish I could move on. I really thought I had those few months and BAM its back. Might I add just this girl has just moved in with a second man since my husband (result of another affair). When will I be safe again?
Success is a relative term I suppose but I feel there is success of sorts two years post D-Day.
We may not ultimately make it. Before DDay I was 100% devoted and in love with my wife. Post DDay, not so much. It’s sort of like a saying I heard once, “Ask yourself if you’re happy and you cease to be so.” My wife’s affair wiped away whatever romantic illusions I still carried about our marriage. Like Neo in the Matrix I suddenly felt awake and aware and the world around me was real and not so beautiful. But what I saw at least was real and honest and I had a say in how my life would go.
The bad news is that I’m not so sure I love my wife anymore, certainly not in the same way I did pre-DDay. The good news (the success story) is that I’m stronger now to deal with that. I’m not so worried about whether or not she’s “back,” or whether she’s committed to me or our marriage, because I’m focused on what I want, what I need, and I’m no longer afraid to speak up or to ultimately end the relationship if that’s the solution because this is MY life and I’m the one who makes the decisions for me.
We might make it down the line. Two years is but a blip compared to 20 so I’ll make no rash decision. But as far as success stories go – staying together isn’t the only fairy tale ending out there.
D,
You put into words exactly how I am feeling. It is so funny that just like the cheaters have a “script” us , the betrayed, also follow a scripted process to dealing with them and the healing.
Thank you for making me not feel so alone and giving me hope!
Tricia
We’re all in this together, Tricia. : )
My success story is just is few days old. I looked at my H and said to myself “I can and will forgive this man” ~ of course H left on a business trip and the triggers hit, fast and furious! But just knowing that I had that thought for the first time in 11 months is a huge success.
Well done, SamIam! It is so important to acknowledge those turning points. I hope others will learn from your success.
blueskyabove
4+ years post DDay
Rebuilding
As a doctor and Christian, I counsel people all the time when their relationships and lives are crashing. I’ve always looked at my job as a ministry in physical and spiritual ways. On of my favorite sayings that I’d learned from a fellow mature Christian mentor, was that no matter what has been done to you, you have to forgive. My mentor told me that unforgiveness, which is simply a form of bitterness, is “like swallowing poison, and waiting for the person who wronged you to die”. As a Christian, I must forgive because Jesus forgave me and my sin, which nailed Him to the cross. That teaching is a lot easier to give to others in pain than it was for me to live out when I discovered my wife’s EA. I’d always prided myself in telling my wife that if she ever cheated on me, I’d forgive her and take her back, never dreaming I’d actually have to live out that very promise. I found out that I was a lot weaker than I thought when faced with this pain. The rollercoaster that so many here have described…well, I was on it. Then, because of my wife’s repentance and the advice I knew to be true, I was able to exit the rollercoaster and start living what I preach…I forgave. That is the hardest part, because selfishly, I wanted her to pay for my pain. Even though I was pretty quick to forgive, the pain continued and the wound is taking a lot longer to heal than I’d ever dreamed it would. It’s been a tough road, but keeping in mind those truths above have been a big help. It just isn’t worth it to live life in bitterness. Amazingly, I think I love my wife more than ever before. We take time together just cuddling and talking or watching TV side by side as mentioned by others above. I no longer take her for granted, getting home on time, etc. I never want to lose her heart to another person again, and I realize that for it never to happen again, I need to be the man she needs. It isn’t good enough just to put food on the table. She needs intimacy, and not just the sexual kind. I was having affairs all along too…affairs with my job, my golf and fishing, my “me time”, and other selfish things that raided our marriage of the intimacy we lacked. When I was calm enough to see how guilty I was for allowing this to happen, it makes it a lot easier for me to forgive her for looking for appreciation, onfirmation, love, and support elsewhere. Seeing my own faults has not only helped our marriage, but has brought me a deeper understanding and appreciation for what Christ did for me. I’m not at the blissful stage some of you have described, but I now look forward to it. Just wanted to share how my faith played a big roll in my journey through this. Each day, I feel ever increasing love and trust for her. I pray that the forgiveness I’ve pledged to her will soon be followed with full restoration of trust. Maybe I’m a fool to believe her, but even if it happens that she hurts me again, I pray that I’ll refuse that bitter poison that only destroys me on the inside and doesn’t help resolve anything. I also try in every tough time to search out why God allowed this pain. Ive come to believe that He wants me to have empathy for those I’m trying to counsel who are faced with similar circumstances and worse. Sorry for such a long post!
It’s important to always keep in mind where our trust should lay. If the foundation of trust is God, we will never be failed. Humans are just humans and will always let us down in one way or another. We want our spouses to do everything right so that we can heal, but they’d have to be super-human to NEVER screw up again. I try to think how desperate I’d feel to win back my wife’s heart had the shoe been on the other foot. Think about it. How would you ever convince them to trust you again?
MadMD,
I am happy to see that your marriage is getting better, and your
wife wants to make it work.
Unfortunately, my ex husband had repeated history of cheating
me. The first time I forgave him and put it behind me, because it happened prior to our marriage, but I learned of it in our 4th year of marriage. Then a few years later, his kissed another woman at his job, again I forgave him and put it behind me, both those times he was very remorseful and I believed him. The third time he got into an adulterous affair with his coworker, this time he wasn’t remorseful he was cold and
verbally abusive to me. He refused to leave his job, and told me it was my problem, and I had 1year to get over his affair,
he later came with divorce papers, I signed them and moved
to another state. His affair lasted 1year after our divorce.
2 years after our divorce he called me up and apolozised
for breaking up our marriage.
During that time of my life, it was a hugh test of my faith, I didn’t
understand why God didn’t help me restore my marriage.
I also didn’t understand why my exhusband had trouble
with infidelity.
However, God is so faithful, he healed my wounds, and I
learned that everyone has free will, and I had to forgive,
which I did. God does cause everything to work for good,
my son moved to the same state where I live, and met a wonderful girl, who is now the mother of my beautiful grandchild. Had my divorce never happened I wouldn’t of had my grandchild.
I still speak out against adultery and divorce, However, my
divorce gave me great relief, and a new life. During my
divorce I dealt with a hugh internal struggle, I knew it was
wrong for my ex husband to treat me that way, but on the
other hand I knew as a christian I should do everything
I could to save the marriage. However my ex husband
made the choice of not leaving his affair partner, and our
divorce became final in the civil court. I am now in
the process of having my marriage annuled. My husband
remarried a couple years ago, to someone he met later.
We get along fine now.
I have learned through the past several years God, can take
our pain and sorrows and turn it into cheer and joy, I am
living proof of that.
I wish you and your wife the very best!
MadMD,
That whole experience caused my faith to grow even more.
Having lived through all this, I believe my ex husband hurt
himself and let himself down more. M
MadMD,
I pushed the wrong key before finishing the above post, Sorry!
Anita,
You bet he did! He hurt himself, you (deeply), and the rest of the family too. I honestly don’t know what I’d have done had my wife chosen the other guy over me or even if she simply has another EA in the future. Heck, I don’t know and nobody else on here can know for sure, if she isn’t still in communication somehow and worrying about it was driving me insane! I’d wait up till she fell asleep, then raid her cell phone and check everything on the computer. It was major paranoia. Thankfully, there’s been no evidence that she continued things. That is something the Lord has graciously spared me from so far, maybe because He knows I couldn’t handle it.
I think women are a lot more forgiving in these situations than a man is. I’ve seen so many women in my practice put up with so much trash from their husbands. Sometimes, I want to scream at them, “Can’t you see what he’s doing? He’s got a maid at home and a lover at work to boot!”
You and I are proof, however, that God can bring healing and restoration. The fact that you love your husband enough to still be a friend is an amazing testimony of God’s love through you. The fact, that my wife gave up her best friend for me is a testimony of her love for me. It’s gut wrenching to me when I hear how some of you were treated by your spouses… infidelity over and over is beyond what I think I’d be able to tollerate.
The Bible says that Moses was permitted to allow the people of Israel to divorce in the case of infidelity. Divorce isn’t God’s perfect plan, but in order to allow for free will, He has to allow us to choose evil… and by that I don’t mean divorce, but mean the choice to cheat on our spouses in one way or another. It would be nice if everyone played by the rules, but I’ve learned that that it just doesn’t usually work that way. We all want fairy tale marriages, but we aren’t married to fantasies… just people. We can’t change a heart, only God can.
My wife could have easily chosen to stay in the emotional relationship. I could have easily chosen to bury myself in work till the kids were gone and then lower the boom on her with divorce papers. I’m so glad that she chose to keep me around and the right steps to prove she loved me.
There is a big temptation, when telling our stories, to paint the picture of ourselves as saints and the CS as demons. There’s no excuse for what they’ve done to destroy their family… none. Still, if we are honest with ourselves, somewhere along the way, most of us, will admit that there are times we contributed to the distance that has grown in the marriage prior to an EA.
We are going through a program called What Ever It Takes (WIT), by a couple named the Speeds. It is all about coming clean with each other and being completely transparent in order to attain freedom from our self imposed jails of secrecy. The secrets we hold back from each other are a form of infidelity, like secret porn habits, “friends” outside our marriage (EAs), etc. The second part of the course is all about building real intimacy in marriage. The course has been really hard for me, because I am ashamed to admit that I sort of enjoyed the fact that for once, I wasn’t in the dog house about something I’d done that she used to gripe about, and that she was the one taking heat for a change. I liked the roll of the poor faithful spouse who was cheated on.
This program has helped me to see how really imperfect I am too and just how my own negligence led to her seeking out a friend to talk to. I just wish it had been a friend that was FEMALE, of course (and not a lesbian, LOL). However, had that happened, we wouldn’t be addressing problems in our marriage and building it back stronger than it ever was before. We’d be simply directing the anger we feel to another human being. Sometimes same gender “friends” can be just as damaging as opposite gender ones. They give advice from a worldly perspective so often… like, “Why don’t you take care of you and just divorce him?”
My wife chose to turn to marriage’s best counselor, God. He taught us to love unconditionally… a lot easier to believe in than practice. That’s what I’m trying to do now… love her unconditionally through this time of strain in our marriage. As a human, I find it the hardest thing in the world to not put conditions on my love for her, but I’m learning. I still struggle with self doubt, wondering whether she’s for real or somehow still cheating, and wanting her to pay more for compromising our marriage, but with each day, those feelings are getting less and less, while my love for her is growing exponentially.
Hello…a success story, one year after the end of a emotional & sexual affair spanning one year duration by my husband of over 35 years. From the start, I was very clear within myself and to him that I wanted him back, that I knew we could work things out . Over the period of the affair, he left and came home once from his own desire, a second time prompted by a major health concern for me before coming back to stay the third time – which was preceded by 4 months living on his own, with full disconnect from the OW.
The time alone gave him time to “come back to himself”. He began individual counselling (I’d been seeing a therapist since I learned of the affair). He has experienced depression (independent of the impact of the affair), which was a contributing element to the situation. Of course, there were issues between us – much of what boils down to the breakdown of communication between us over the years.
Key elements that worked for us: true desire, true commitment, and commitment to the process. (Our therapist commented to us early on that whether or not both are fully committed is the dealbreaker, and is the biggest contributor to the success / failure ratio.)
Patience – on both our parts. It took time for each of us to become comfortable to discuss, in a respectful and honoring way what occurred, and why. We had our jumps and starts before the doors of fear gave way. We set aside time each day to talk, learning to keep those discussions from becoming marathon events (my tendency).
Courage – on both our parts. There were many things that were hard for me to hear, and certainly it was hard for my husband to answer some very pointed questions. Transparency and full disclosure to the level of my questions and personal need to know were key.
Forgiveness – A major aspect. One that both parties need to be able to embrace. For each other, and of one’s self – no matter which end of the affair one is on. When a marriage breaks down, it’s because something broke down. Both husband and wife hold responsibility for the health of their relationship. Holding one another, or one’s self in unforgiveness is bondage, and a true barrier to healing. This does not mean that either of us is saying that what happened was “OK”. It does mean, however, that we’re giving each other a clean slate on which to rebuild.
Trust – absolutely necessary, and it does take time for that to be rebuilt. Again, that works both ways…being able to trust one’s self, one’s own intuition (as the spouse of the cheater), as well as being able to trust the one who cheated. Again, transparency, forthrightness, and the effort and willingness to proactively disclose (ie.) schedules by my husband helped me to know he was committed to us.
It’s actually exciting – we are together in a new and deeper way. DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND – I’m not in any way condoning what occurred. It is very unfortunate that it all came to this. Our children and family was deeply wounded.
This, too, is an aspect of rebuilding – rebuilding family life. Trust was broken with our children. The good news is the experience whereby they can see that wrong can be made right, that good can come after bad.
The counselling – despite what one hears about so many cases – it has proven helpful to us. I was lucky enough to be referred by my Dr. to a wonderful therapist – who recommended a therapist for my husband, based upon what she knew of him from our sessions. His therapist also did couples counselling, and my husband’s counselling shifted from individual sessions to joint sessions. I continue to see my therapist individually. He continues to have individual sessions, as well. It’s been a year now, since my husband has returned home. Things are feeling so much better – perhaps better than “ever”. We have much to be thankful for, and I am comfortable and confident that the affair won’t be repeated, either with this woman or another. We have both learned a lot, and for that we are grateful. So, that’s my story…I haven’t covered all the aspects, I’m sure…but, enough for now.
The best to all of you reading these posts.
Hello All,not sure if some fo you will remember me as it has been nearly a year since I was last on. I came back on tonight to just see what is happening when I saw this post. If you were to go back 18 months to 2 years and look through the posts I had written on here you would know of my heartache from my husband having a emotional/physical affair with my once best friend. His affair lasted nearly 2 years, although he never really separated from me properly. He went away in January this year for 3 weeks and broke things off for good with the OW.
How did I know and believe this… through his ACTIONS!!!! Words are one thing, but his actions speak volumes more to me than his words. Never once has his actions lied to me since.
After a 2 year affair where he was apparently deeply in love with OW and not me he moved home at the end of January this year and everyday has been a journey for the 2 of us reconnecting again to such a level that I never even thought possible. We are amazingly so much closer than before the affair and we are more open and communicate so much more. He asks for my opinions on things now and includes me in decision making for the present and for the future.
I have gone from living with a man in the beginning who was so cold and could not really show me any affection to a man who after nearly 2 years of not telling me he loves me to being able to say it. To a man who was not present to a man who is here in body mind and spirit.
In saying this I am not saying that I still do not have my doubts, because I sure do. I still have demons in my head where they sometimes creep in and tell me that I am second best, and he has just decided to settle because I have the kids etc… they are still there and I battle them every few days. I panick if he is out and forgets to call, more often than not though he will call. I still have many triggers.
I am happy and I know he is happy. The OW had the nerve to call our house late one night while I was in bed in the chance that my husband would be up.. and he was. He was horrified that she had called and he told her not to call again. He spoke to her for about 20 mins.. general chit chat while she whinged about her crap life etc… He told her that his and her circumstances had not changed and that he was happy and working on becoming happier and that he new this was where he was supposed to be but more importantly this was where he wanted to be.
Her phone call triggered me but it made my husband realised that this is what he wants and so he was glad for the call.
He is very much a parent again after not being one to our 4 children and we love to hang out together.
We still have so much healing to do, both of us individually and together but we are GOOD.
I still fear the OW and try not to let her worry me, easier said than done, but I am working on it one day at a time.
To those out there in the early stages of your betrayal, this site was a blessing for me. I was on here 2 and 3 times a day everyday. Don’t give up just yet, stay strong and take care of you. Don’t forget about you, you are what is important and you did not do this.
Doug and Linda, again I say think you for what you have done with this site. I have learn’t so much by coming on here everyday. I am a happier and calmer and not an angry person anymore and I am nearing the stages of forgiveness.. what a womderful feeling when I can honestly give myself that gift and my husband.
THANK YOU BOTH x
Donna, Good to hear from you. I know you went through hell and I’m so happy that you and your husband are progressing so well. Thanks for the kind words and I hope you have a very happy holidays!
Donna
That is so fabulous, I’m so very pleased for you. I am in a similar position. My OH had a 15 month PA with a friend I had since childhood, although she wasn’t my best friend, it was still very close to home, as she used to holiday regularly with our family – which should have rung alarm bells, as she lives a few hours from us, and our holiday home is another couple of hours in the opposite direction – even while they were sleeping together, but none rang, I trusted him. I felt very strongly, at first, and to my surprise (I thought ongoing infidelity would not be something I would forgive, if it wasn’t a one night stand, or “brief mistake” and even that, I wasn’t sure about – to be fair, when I first found out, I thought it was a brief, once or twice kind of “error”) that we would be okay. He had broken it off with her about a month earlier than my Dday – I found out when she texted me to tell me ALL about their affair. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been quite such an easy thing to move forward for me. The initial six months were quite traumatic, but also, really great, we were very connected, very close, and my OH was in awe of me, and completely besotted with me and my strength and love. I fell down pretty badly after the six month mark, I couldn’t get it out of my head or heart, and felt second-best, and the default position, as we had (at that stage) 22 years, 3 kids, a successful joint business, etc, etc. I fell into suicidal despair (2 attempts) and eventually ended up trying a variety of meds (after counselling for months didn’t seem to help) which also didn’t work/help, but just helped me gain back about 75% of the weight I had lost (and I probably needed to lose most of it.)
I am now past 2 and a half years post Dday. I am still on the roller coaster, my OH did everything I asked, was completely transparent in his actions, called regularly to update me on his whereabouts, etc (I never asked for that, he did it to try to re-assure me) EXCEPT he did not change his phone number, and we subsequently got mini-barrages of texts every few months. I suggested, very strongly, that he should change the number, he dug his toes in, I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t do this thing for me. He changed it this week. We sat and had a real heart-to-heart about it. He says he wanted to “have control of the situation” by keeping it, by this he means he felt he knew what was going on (he and I live in a very small town, and everyone knew about it, and he didn’t want her to put any extra rumours/lies about, etc, as she knows most of our friends, and was trying to tell a lot of lies about me, I like to think my real friends know the real me, and wouldn’t believe such a skank’s lies, he says he was trying to defend me to the world) and he also felt that he knew her number, if he changed his, how would that help me, as he could have still had contact with her from a new phone, if that was what he wanted, and probably been better at hiding the contact if his phone was new. He also likened it to alcoholism, he wanted to know that he could “withstand” the “temptation” and not contact her, bit like having alcohol about, but choosing not to partake. So, I asked him not to reply to any contact from her, as I thought that would be the quickest way to get rid of her, but, even though I am NOW sure he never contacted her first, he would reply. He showed me all of the received texts, his phone was always on display, on a kitchen bench, couch, etc, never shrouded and bundled against his body like it had been during the affair (one of his mates said to me, just in the last week of their affair, he had an overnighter with him, on a hunting trip with a few male mates, and OH went to have a shower, and raced back into the communal room, with a towel on and scooped up and took his phone into the shower room with him, he didn’t know about the affair, but he at that point thought, oh-oh, there’s something going on here.) I saw his replies, they were not tender, or loving, just please leave us alone, we’re trying to pick up the pieces here, etc, BUT, he did wish her and her young son well, etc. I asked why he needed to be so nice, not so much at the beginning, but YEARS later, why couldn’t he tell her that he despised her for her continued hurtful actions? It felt like he was “keeping her sweet” as a back-up plan to me. Well, we’ve separated three times in the past couple of years, all at my request. The last time was at the end of April this year, and he actually did meet up with her again, the day after I kicked him out (for good this time, yeah, right!) and drove up to her house “to talk” two days later, and ended up back in bed with her. (At least he had the good sense to at least wear a condom this time, to prevent contracting any further filthy diseases.) So, I guess I felt I was right, he was still “in love” with her (she is his multiple-cheating ex GF, too) He denies love, but I can’t explain his actions any other way. He says he needed to understand what the fuss was all about, he remembered their sex as being pretty bad, mostly, but was he lying to himself, why did he put everything he loved at so great a risk? He wasn’t lying to hiself, it was appalling, he said it was like shagging a corpse, and he wanted to run out of there afterwards and scrub himself clean, inside and out. I asked him about it the next day (I knew, can’t explain that, but in my heart, I KNEW he’d been with her, I physically FELT it, weird, huh?) and he was very honest, very uncomfortable about having to be honest, but didn’t deny any of it.
Long story, I know, but I guess we now have to start again, as if our reconcilation in late June is our Dday. I sometimes question my strength (and obviously, my sanity!) in staying here with him. Do I have the strength to keep fighting for me, for us is a given, but what about the me I have lost along the way here? It’s been a long, tiring journey so far, and we’re still a long long way from the light. There are days when I feel like a loser for still wanting to be with this man. It has taken all of this for him to start to see clearly that his “taking control of the situation” and doing things his way, has been incredibly damaging to me, and therefore to us. But, thankfully, he does now. He feels stupid for not understanding that once he did this awful thing to our “perfect” (tongue firmly planted in cheek here) relationship – although it was pretty damn great for 20 of those years – HE couldn’t single-handedly “fix” it, he had to stop and LISTEN. I have a voice, and a heart, and a brain, and I knew what we needed to do, and he was too pig-headed to trust me about the right way to handle her. I am still unsure if this is the right path for me, I wish I could decide for sure that it is.
Hello, I as I have been reading the posts I am very unsure if I am sure this is the place for me! You see I am the cheater & lier! I am 36 years old, mother of two, successful career & will soon be married for 13 years, together for nearly twenty! Our marriage has its ups & downs. In November 2010 I slept w/ someone else to spice things up, H fully aware of it & consenting of it. Well as you can guess it didn’t stop w/ one time as it was planned. H moved out 2/2011. Our relationship was up & down & every which way! In June H & I started going forward w/ our relationship. In August H was concerned about me going to the town the OM was living (trigger), I didn’t talk it out w/ H & said I can’t do this w/ you H! The OM & I made contact again! By the end 8/2011 beginning 9/2011 there was a full blown EA & SA going on! My H would beg & plead, he would yell & scream, he would cry! I was yelling, screaming, crying, but I wasn’t alone as my H was. On 9/30/11 H filed for divorce. The OM lives 300 miles away not that that makes a difference… I continued the affair however I missed my H dearly. H was always on my mind & I missed him dearly! So the first part of November of 2011 I selfishly told H how I felt about him. I ended it w/ the OM. H & I spend time together w/ our children, we spend time w/ just the two of us. H is very clear I hurt him horribly & doesn’t know if he wants to be married to me ( as we have not continued divorce any further). I go to a councler, he does not want to go. We go 2 steps forward & 3 back. We spent the holiday together w/ his amazing family. I tell him I love him, & beg for his forgiveness & our life back, he replies no or IDK dependendent on the day. He has rekindled old friendships w/ old flames. What I want to say is this is horrible! Our marriage had issues but nothing we couldn’t get through! I hate what I did & asks self why I did what I did daily! I took the heart of my best friend & destroyed it! I was a mean, selfish person who destroyed our lives as a couple & family! I am greatful for our time that we do get together & respect his family so much for letting me be part of the holiday w/ them. I am truely sorry for my behavior & regret it.
I feel sorry for you. At least you are trying to take responsibility for the mess. All any of us BSs can say is that it will take a lot of time for your H to get through the anger stage. I am over 13 months out and I still have anger at times. You just have to keep saying the same things and letting your actions show that you mean it. To me (and I think the other BS on this site), your actions speak a lot louder than words. Hang in there, keep going to the counselor, and keep trying if that is what you want. Most of all, be honest with him and with yourself. It will be a long road.
Hello,
Can any of you succesees share any valuable counseling advice your CS received that helped them find their way through the fog.
After much resistance my CS has agreed to see one.. There are times when I feel that he is doing it only so that he can say it through the counselor that he wants out as I refuse to believe that our 15 year old marriage has nothing left in it..
He is in the throes of an EA though refuses to admit it says our earlier issues resp for this..
We have an adopted son .. Do believe that I am unable to confront him directly reg EA bcos of my son .. Afraid my BS will expedite the breakup..as I am now aware of the OW existence and identity though I know all the sites say exposure the best bust remedy..
Am buying time told him that I will individually go through counseling.. He has agreed now. To visit the counselor once I am through with my sessions..
Any thoughts would be welcome..
Thank you all and thank god for you