Dealing with an affair and with the triggers can be an ongoing challenge for years to come.
By Linda
Dealing with an affair is difficult, and every year since Doug’s emotional affair I suffer through two events that occur simultaneously which produce major triggers for me.
It’s like two storms that collide and create one big perfect storm of a hurricane.
These storms result in a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. When they come it is difficult to manage them. They both occurred this past week.
Arm yourself with a variety of techniques, practical strategies and knowledge to help you to manage those intrusive thoughts, triggers and memories of your partner’s affair.
Triggers can be very disturbing and hard for the betrayed spouse and even the cheater to understand. I know that Doug really cannot completely grasp what was going on in my head over the last several days. It didn’t help that I was out of town at the time either.
These affair triggers appear to come in cycles and for many of us it is the holidays, birthdays, or any major events that occur throughout the year. I wonder why they have such an impact on us. I know that it is hard for me to understand so please try to follow me as I attempt to articulate things as best I can.
Dealing With an Affair Trigger Storm
I know that during the time of Doug’s affair we were both living our lives somewhat unconsciously. We were very busy with lots of activities packed into very short stressful days. We were just trying to survive which meant that many times we failed to completely pay attention to each other, our children and our lives. It wasn’t that we were totally neglectful, there were just times when we failed to appreciate and acknowledge the special gifts that we both had. In reality, we were zombies trying to get through the day.
The Awakening of Betrayal
As I was unconsciously walking through my life, Doug was conducting another life right before my eyes. And it wasn’t that I was completely unaware that things were out of whack either. I would notice those red flags periodically but I would usually just dismiss them because I trusted Doug and believed he would never do something like be unfaithful. Even if he was, I had no idea what I was going to do about it (fear!). So I lived every day for over a year believing everything was “normal.”
Then the explosion hit. The D-days, the details of the affair, the phone logs that accurately depicted what went on every day while I was living unconsciously, without a clue. That is when the trust in myself completely evaporated.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have not seen the signs? Why didn’t I do this… or that? The reality of it all hit me on the top of my head like a ton of bricks. The pictures of everything that happened during that year and how blind I was to miss them still flash through my head.
Living with Triggers
So now when those major events occur I relive the reality of the situation. I am no longer unconscious. I am awake to see and feel everything. And I am living in the present but feeling the pain and revelation of the past.
For example, while dealing with an affair trigger storm I will see Doug talking on the phone with someone. Mind you, I know that it is nothing at all and is very innocent, but I still replay the same image as four years ago when he was on the phone with Tanya – and the memories and reality of it all come flying back to me.
It is difficult to describe to the cheater how upsetting these triggers are. If they could only view things through the victim’s eyes to see how they were living a separate and secret life at the time of their affair. A life where they were acting and saying things that were totally out of character from the person we thought we knew and loved.
83 replies to "Dealing With an Affair and The Perfect Trigger Storm"
I understand completely Linda….hearing my H’s cell phone go off with a text message does it for me everytime! Even though it’s a new phone and text alert sound, its still a trigger, which makes no sense to me since I never heard his phone go off with a text from the cow, since he always had it on vibrate during the EA.
And don’t EVEN let me pick up his phone and it’s on vibrate or silent mode…talk about an explosion! HA! That’s only happened a few times, but it wasn’t pretty!
My H has asked me at different times in the last 18 mos, if you could have any wish, what would it be…..my response immediately is that I wish we could change places for 24 hours, so he could feel what I feel on a daily basis…the pain, humiliation, anger, betrayal, etc….and I could feel what he is feeling, does he REALLY feel as badly as he says he does….is the guilt as awful as he says it is, does what he did REALLY haunt him everyday?
Would LOVE to know 100% that this is really how he feels…because even though he tells me it is, I do wonder, since he lied to me so well for so many days, weeks and months…
yeah, I think texts are a major trigger for everyone, probably cause they seem to be the preferred method for cheaters.lol. Now he has a different phone and has a loud text notification on it so I know when he gets one. Before, phone was locked, on his person at all times, no notifications. Now he tells me who texted, and I normally verify it later. he got one from an unidentified number about a month ago, i got suspicious, and later found he deleted it. MAJOR red flag. I didnt get to read it, just the first line about ” Did you see what she tweeted? ” oh well I wrote down the number wrong so I couldn’t search it. I saw he had a history eraser app to delete the list of favorites from the phone so I started checking that. Bingo, after a few days a girls name shows up. I confronted him, it was a “customer.” I’m an idiot, took me a day or two to realize it was the same tramp, different number on a fake name. I went ballistic and for the first time threw his ass out for three days. He threatened to put phone on lock, told him if he EVER does, he is gone.
My H EA was all done through texting and phone calls so anytime I see him on his phone is a trigger for me. He just recently upgraded his phone and passed his down to me. While I was going through his pictures to delete those no longer needed and saw the pictures of all the events in our lives during his EA was a huge trigger. I’m still trying to deal with it. Now I understand why he wanted pictures of just him by himself. He was texting them to her!! Like you say Linda, the signs were there, how could I have been so blind. He was even deleting all messages and phone calls. I knew something was not right, but like you’ve said, didn’t want to rock the boat. Wish I had because now here I am sinking!! I never would have thought my H would do this. Trusted him 110%. This EA was so out of character and yet, here we are 13 mths after Dday and just him going through FB on his phone is a huge trigger. Unfortunately, texting, phone calls, FB are all part of our daily lives and so I know I have to somehow learn to deal with these daily triggers. Just haven’t figured out how yet. How do I make him understand what these daily triggers do to me? Yes, I would in a minute trade places with him and let him feel my pain and hurt. I would love to know how badly he feels. I still feel that she will contact him any day and because I feel like he no longer has contact with her because I don’t want him too, not because he sees what he did was so wrong, that he will fall into the EA all over again. With his new job there are a lot of unknown numbers for me and I can’t help but often wonder, is it her? Living with these constant triggers and thoughts truly just stinks. Linda, thank you for being so open and honest and helping me understand that Im not alone in this. Your bravery is uplifting and your story gives me hope.
Wow angel wings….sounds a bit like me! My H uses his phone for work and there are soooo many numbers on there I dont recognize…I mean, I know the area code from where the cow lives, so if I see that, I check it out….my H has family there that he calls every now and then, but if a new number appears, I’ll be all over it….as for the other numbers, if the same one starts to appear over and over, yep, red flag for me!
Seriously, after all this time, there’s just no excuse for my H to EVER be involved with another woman…EVER! He knows the pain and turmoil infidelity causes….for him to seek out another relationship, to do this to us again, no, we’d be through, no one is worth all of this, a second time!
I am 3 months into this and it seems like there are still so many triggers for me that some days I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Being here though lets me see that there are going to be more peaceful times ahead and I truly want to be there. I don’t want my life to be this affair anymore.
Kelbelly there are different stages to EA recovery….next will be intense anger….it’s happens to all of us…not much you can do about it, unfortunately…..there’s a post on here, I believe it’s called the four stages of affair recovery, look it up! One of the best I’ve read that helps explain what you will be feeling and going through…
Thank Teresa, I will check them out 🙂 I know I am not even close to working through it all but as least I can breath knowing that my husband and I are working toward a better future together.
Yep, at 6 months I’m just coming out of the intense anger phase 🙂
It will be exactly 1 year tomorrow that I picked up my DH’s phone while we were on vacation and read “Miss you…very much”. And I am still in the angry stage I think…well I swing in and out of it. Sometimes I feel almost nothing if that makes sense. Triggers are many and sometimes come out of the blue. Also my DH travels all the time for business and that is when tons of the phone calls and texts were happening…I did some serious searching starting last July 7th and boy was it eye opening…so really my day to day reality is one big trigger, since he is always gone.
My biggest problem is that Dh broke no contact in February. He did it inadvertently by replying all to an email from a mutual friend to him and the OW. He didn’t look at the list of recipients. Well lo and behold, he gets a response from her in his mailbox…(this after I confronted her, in person, in December, and told her never to contact my DH again and she agreed…ha that lasted long)…after getting that email from her, he decided to email her directly to prove that he had no feelings at all for her, as he composed the one liner email, since I had told him they obviously had some kind of emotional connection. Of course she immediately responded to him again…duh, he opened the door and she came right on in.
This is where my anger really lies now…I was making progress after confronting her, and finding out in January that she had left the industry they both worked in so they would not be at the same shows anymore…and he seriously broke the no contact promise he made me. He says he didn’t foresee how shattering that would be to me and to all the progress we had made. Are you kidding me? I am so angry that he couldn’t see what I needed even after I spelled it out to him. That he could be so ridiculously stupid and selfish. Aaaghh….so my anger is still huge since really it’s now only been 5 months since that stupid move on his part.
He is trying to do the right things…he tells me when he gets a text or email from certain other women in his field that I have expressed concern about. I have full access to his phone, his linkedin account and his computer. He tells me everyday how sorry he is that he failed to stay within the boundaries he should have and that even when he realized the work relationship with the OW had crossed over from professional he didn’t stop it. He says he realizes that he gave her the time and attention that should have been mine and that he should have looked to me for whatever it was he was getting from her as far as ego stroking etc. I know she was way more vested in the relationship then him based on phone messges I heard and the few texts I was able to retrieve. He is devastated that he has hurt me this way. He says he was never trying to replace me but can see now what it all looks like to me.
But I am angry and sad and I have pretty much shut myself off to him, I think to avoid the chance of getting hurt again. I miss him and I am lonely but then when he is here at home I am angry…it is like he is the biggest trigger of all???
So how does one deal with that trigger on top of all the other ones. Through all my searching, I know certain times when he was texting her and what we as a family were doing at that exact moment….little did I know then that we had her as company on certain trips etc. I know that she called him and texted him at all hours of the night when he was at trade shows that she was at. I know she took pictures of herself with him…and I have seen them since she sent them to him. I have heard her voice so when I hear a particular US accent I cringe. I have met her and know exactly what she looks like so when I see a woman that resembles her it is a reminder.
Ah good times. I never in a million years would have thought that the person I trusted the most in the world would be the one that made me feel this bad.
It took me over a year to get mad, I was to hurt, I even told my wife that I couldn’t wait to be just pissed off, anything to make the pain and crying ease up, I was almost totally crippled for a little over a year.
It isn’t so much his texts and phone calls that trigger me, it’s womens perfume. I noticed it in his truck and asked about it. Of course he had some answer (excuse) to my response. What kills me is that I just accepted his answer without even thinking about it.
I just hate going into all the big stores that have the perfumes up front. And I realize that all of them don’t smell the same, but still they are my trigger and I have almost overcome it… but there are still those days.
Funny, right after he ended it we were out looking for a new truck. Of course it wasn’t because of the smell, but we all know otherwise. He couldn’t get rid of the smell – it permeated everything. Too bad I couldn’t get rid of the affair as easily.
we’re approaching the last day that I know my H and the OW were actually together a year ago. I’m finding it hard as I’m convinced she will contact him to say something about that.
I’ve also discovered that he’s been lying to me again, very small things about music she sent him that I was convinced had come from her but he said they hadn’t. He admitted last night that they had and the last time I’d asked over the weekend he lied to my face. Today is difficult as it’s blown a whole in my trust of him again and has acted as a trigger for remembering all the hurt and humiliation of discovery the whole tawdry deceitful business. He thinks it’s a small thing but I’ve made it clear that it’s a big thing to me. Today it even feels like a deal breaker.
Triggers, and discovering new lies, are so hard to deal with.
I told mine she better get it all out the first time, because if I found one more lie I would be gone, I don’t think I’ll survive without her, sometimes time doesn’t heal your wounds. I have read many stories online about people losing the person that they loved and would talk about even 20-30 years later they hid the pain of missing that person from their family, I will never get over her if we separate, I think I would just sit down and never get up again. Unhealthy I know, I would do my best to get over it but I don’t think I ever would, I would feel like I had a young child go missing and never learn what happened to them, unbearable, I would rather die.
I have no idea why CS’s continue to lie even when the game is most definitely up.
Teresa~yeah I know the area code too and am all over anything suspicious to me. Thankfully, there has not been anything since he cut off all contact with her. There is no way I would go through this again. He knows it. So if he ever choses to do this again, that’s it for me! No ands, ifs, or buts about it!
KelBelly~this site has helped me tremendously so I highly suggest you read as many postings as you can. I just recently started commenting but have been visiting this site since this whole mess began. It helps to know you are NOT alone in this and what you are feeling is “normal”. Wish you the best in your recovery.
As often happens, a perfectly timed post. I feel a lot saner just reading everyone else’s experience. It sounds a lot like we’ll just have to get used to what Linda calls a ‘perfect trigger storm’ sometimes.
It’s interesting reading that many times we can even know certain triggers don’t make sense. I think I can see why that happens. For me, it’s been returning from 10 days on holiday, and finding myself back at home, having managed to forget how difficult it is being here. My partner works in the same building as the OM, and I’d managed to forget what a daily mental effort that is.
But it’s been much worse than that: for over a week now, the full-on trigger storm Linda talks about. I think two things happen: conditions get set up that make our minds relive the trauma, to an extent. I’ve certainly had those full feelings of complete, stomach-churning shock this week. (We’re 9 months past d-day, though a lot less time has passed since things have felt reasonably hopeful.)
Then we’re partially returned to the same danger-alert state we find ourselves in during the first stages: our minds become hyper-aware filtering devices, sifting for the dangerous thing that hurt us. It’s trying to protect us – well-established pattern-recognition pathways work overtime. Unfortunately, the consequence is to make many more things into triggers, and to make ones that would be mild much, much more disabling.
The phone is definitely a trigger, and often one I can immediately tell makes no sense! But to the full-alert mind, it doesn’t matter: the association is supplied on the basis that we should be able to do something about it. Except of course, we can’t really. We can perhaps look for reassurance from our partners, and understanding when it’s bad – but I’m sure we’ll all had experience of that causing even more problems.
Solidarity, folks! We’ll get through.
Great post! One thing that’s been really hard is going back through the last year and shifting reality — overlaying what I now know what what I thought I knew.
Like the photos I have on my phone I took of my husband one morning at brunch. I kept telling him how handsome he looked. The OW was there with us and I remember asking her, “Doesn’t he look great?!” Now I know that just the night before he’d put his hand on her thigh in the cab home from the office holiday party. I know that he was already in love with her and that she was likely falling for him. And here I was pointing out to her how hot he looked! And yet I can’t bring myself to delete those photos.
Or like the week I was out of town the month before that and desperate to talk to him and he told me he didn’t have time because of work and I felt so guilty for stressing him out. Only to now know that he was spending time with the OW — going out with her, shopping with her, etc.
All these events that have reminders in photos and emails that I experienced one way at the time and now I have to see them in an entirely new light. Every time I think of something new like that, every time I have to shift the reality of something from last year, it’s like a punch in the gut. Another reminder of how much of a chump I feel. How embarrassed. Even when I run into other colleagues from my husband’s job I’m thinking, “There’s no way they didn’t suspect something was going on between those two… what does that make them think about me? The stupid, naive wife?”
And like a lot of y’all, I have times when I’ll see him on his phone emailing and I’ll wonder if he’s emailing her. My gut starts to scream and I think about all the times I ignored my gut before but now I don’t know if I’m being overly paranoid. And sometimes I’ll check his phone and he will have been emailing her for work reasons. There will be nights we’re out to dinner and he has to send an email and I’ll sit and wait and then find out later he was emailing her. It’s all for work, all necessary, and what’s funny is that I don’t think it even occurs to him that he’s emailing the OW right in front of my face, in the middle of my date night.
But yeah, the worst for me so far is having some random memory from last year pop up and then having to refocus it with new knowledge. I’m not sure that will really ever go away — it’s so hard to change everything you thought you knew.
Writerwife my H actually had me take some pics of him “for his FB page”, so I did….and yes, he DID put them on his FB BUT he also sent them to the cow….!! After Dday, when I started piecing things together….yea, I was ticked that he used ME to send HER pics! Stupid things like that really do make recovery so much harder!
my H did the same on a few occasions it turned out. I’d taken some photos of him in our garden with our dog and he sent them to her. turned out he couldn’t take pictures of himself that he liked enough to send her. it’s crazy stuff when you are calm enough to look at it objectively.
It is now 4 long years since I discovered my H’s EA. I don’t think I’ve healed at all. I just stumble from one event to the next and keep booking holidays and breaks (with my H) hoping that somehow it will help. But it doesn’t. My initial need to prove his love for me and show him mine has faded and all I see when I look at him is a cheat and liar. No doubt you will advise me to seperate but I know I can’t. He’s just had a second pacemaker fitted and has been told that his own heart doesn’t work on its own at all now. I look at him lying asleep and a rush of love and pity comes over me only to be replaced by hatred at what he has done. I will never ever get over it.
mil, my love to you. I’m three years and almost two months, and I understand. I have left him, and it is extremely hard, but I was getting nowhere staying. I know I still love him, and he still loves me, but I had to do something else, because I wasn’t healing staying with him. I hope you get to a better place one day soon. I also don’t believe you ever fully heal, you just learn to cope (I hope!)
I don’t think it ever goes away either, I think the other BSS feel the same way they just decide to live with it, I don’t see any other way, I know I still love my wife and I don’t want to leave her, so I live with the pain or leave, there’s no way people really GET OVER being betrayed by the one they trusted most in life, I know I never will.
WriterWife: I’m worried by how much work contact is required between the two of them. When was d-day? Really, he should absolutely cut off contact. Is there absolutely no way around changing their work roles, if it requires that much contact? It strikes me it would be very hard to start to process it all if he’s in touch that much.
I know others have written, it’s sometimes necessary to actually talk to others at work and explain some distance needs to be kept, for the sake of saving your own relationship. It’s not unusual for people to find they need to change work arrangements because of an affair. Not to mention, for him to be emailing her while you’re there strikes me as colossally insensitive – does he actually understand the impact this has had?
mil: so sorry to hear. 4 years is a long time to be suffering like that. If he was able to look after himself, would you have gone? It’s possible to hate what the cheater did and still love them. It’s whether the love is enough to get you through. Do you get love back too?
Dol — D-day was about 6 months ago. it’s been interesting going through this process with him still working with the OW. At first he refused to go NC until our marriage counselor said it was a necessity. Then he was pretty expansive about what contact was allowable at work (and didn’t really work that hard to avoid her) but I kept putting my foot down (including kicking him out for a couple of weeks). He admitted how difficult it was for him to still be working with her — I suggested he move offices (so they’re not next door to each other), and taking care to not end up on projects together but neither of those has really happened. It was a bigger issue before when I’d see how much progress we’d make in our marriage over the weekends only to have him slip back during the week being around her.
The fact that they still worked together did get to the point where our MC brought up him absolutely having to quit ASAP. But then we turned a corner in reconciliation and since then it really hasn’t been a problem. I think that’s why it doesn’t occur to him about emailing her when I’m around because he’d email anyone else at work in the same circumstances (which is its own issue — we let work creep into our together time too much before). Both he and she have said they’re trying to leave that job and he’s been working to that end but it takes a while (not a ton of job options for him or her right now)
We continue to make forward progress though I still see two big hurdles ahead of us: 1) me running into her at some point and 2) when he finally leaves that job. Having cut her out of my life absolutely (she was a former best friend) I know how difficult it can be to go from even the smallest kinds of contact (i.e. checking up on her on Facebook) to absolutely nothing.
It does bother me how defensive I sound in this response which means I need to think about all of this a lot more. I don’t think I realized how much that little bit of emailing between them bothered me until I wrote it down here. What’s difficult is that I do pretty much trust him and that makes it hard to know when to continue to push against actions that I know don’t threaten our relationship, but that I don’t like for purely “I hate the thought of it” reasons.
So he saw nothing wrong with working with her until MC said quitting was a must, and then he agreed to move offices and not work on projects with her but he still sits next to her and works on projects with her?
He’s still breaking agreements that are directly related to the affair. I’m curious how you trust that he isn’t still involved in the EA but hiding it much better?
I don’t mean to stir things up, but he certainly wouldn’t be the first person to just hide things better and seem like they were totally committed to the marriage. Your H has endless ways to do this considering he’s with her at the office over 40 hours per week and emailing after hours.
I don’t understand how you trust him when he hasn’t made the changes he agreed to make
The triggers will always be there. But I don’t let them bother me anymore. I have access to all of my H’s accounts (including work) and cell phone records. I can also ask him and he will immediately answer and show me anything I want to see. I can see in his eyes that he really cares about my emotional state. He also knows that there will never be a second chance. It’s been a little over 2 years and even though the rules of the game (our marriage) have dramatically changed, these new rules are easy to follow and have made our marriage stronger. I wish it didn’t have to be like this. I wish the EAs had never happened but I want to believe that something good came out of it. As ugly and humiliating as it was for me, confronting him opened his eyes and I showed him how he had changed into a man I no longer wished to be married to. Today he has returned to being the man I married. We drifted apart, like Linda said: “We were very busy with lots of activities packed into very short stressful days.” While I was 90% into our family, I was giving him 10% attention. So he sought that other 90% attention in someone else. I’m not excusing his behavior, but it was humanly impossible for me to give him more than that (I had made the kids my priority) and he now understands and regrets having given some else time that really belonged to us. I gave HIM one chance to fix it all. Because even though I knew that we were both at fault, I wasn’t the one who had the EA. We should have never let our guard down. Our marriage should have been our priority. When now see it clearly and we’re trying to make up for lost time. Now in our relationship there’s lots of laughter, kisses, hugs, I love you’s, sex, and the desire to spend all day together. It feels like when we first started dating. There are also times when triggers happen (not only for me but also for him) and we talk about them and sometimes we even cry. Those triggers bring back sad memories that we use as a lesson to never go down that path again.
@Natalia,
We’re his EA’s all at the same time or was it one after the other?
If the distractions were kids how do you handle that now?
I’m trying to do things different now but the kid activity and sports are still challenging
Surviving: my H’s EAs were happening simultaneously and constantly due to the nature of his job (media). That’s why it took me years to figure out what was really happening to us. We read many good books on the subject and he figured out what he had been doing wrong. He now avoids those traps and says that understanding makes him take responsibility for his actions and how damaging those flirting games are to us. As to the kids I make sure he participates as much as I do in their activities which leaves him no time to think about anyone else much less try to contact anyone else. I’ve even engaged him in cleaning the house with me. His help makes the chores get done faster which leaves us more time for ourselves. And we’ve established Friday nights as date night. Our kids are older so I don’t need a baby-sitter but if I did I would definitely invest in one. Just make sure she’s not a teenager without a car. You don’t want your H having any temptations.
I don’t understand about having to set boundaries that are easy to understand, if you don’t understand your wedding vows your not going to understand any other boundaries either, I mean who don’t understand what “to forsake all others” means.
Writerwife: I also think it’s very insensitive of him to be emailing the OW for work reasons in your presence and cutting into your date time. My recommendation is that you tell him that you will not tolerate it. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to the both of you if you’re trying to salvage your relationship. The OW’s constant presence is counterproductive. If he needs to continue working with her he needs to understand that it undermines your feelings if he won’t build a wall between her and him and maintain a strict schedule for any work communicaton between them. In my case I made this very clear to my husband. I told him that any work related communication was to be kept at work and within office hours. Anything else would have to wait for the next day and if the OW (co-workers) had to talk to him after work they were to call our house and NOT his cell phone (not even texts). Mind you they have never called the house. I needed to put my foot down otherwise he would continue to walk all over me.
Thanks for your thoughts, Natalia. It really adds such a layer of complication when the CS and OW work closely together (and to be fair, right now they only have cause to interact a few times a week so it’s not constant like it was before). He and I are in a good place and I rarely feel threatened by the OW (and haven’t for a couple of months). We both still have issues to work out over her, but we’re very much on the same team with it all (i.e. us against her).
However, I do wish she’d go away. I’m looking forward to the day one of them quits (she promised she’d try to but go figure it hasn’t happened. He’s working on it, though).
I’d put an end to him emailing her if you and he are on ‘date night’. That’s nonsense, to put it nicely. No one is that important at their job that they can’t take a ‘time out’ for a few hours. It’s bad enough that he’s letting work interfere with your nights together, but to let her be a part of it?
I know we each do what we think is acceptable, but after an affair, the CS needs to accept that they don’t get to behave like they did before. Emailing her during your date night, something you need to heal, is just completely thoughtless and honestly it’s cruel. He needs to show you that you come before work, and definitely before anything at all to do with her.
Livingonthefence: Thanks for your comment, it hit the nail on the head and I totally agree with you. Luckily my H got this message right away. But I can see that there are other husbands out there that haven’t gotten the memo that after an EA is discovered they lost all their privileges of privacy because they misused it.
I agree — emailing at all when we go out is something that’s starting to annoy me (though, to be fair, we go out all the time). I used to be in the same field as he is and I understand the pressure to constantly be checking email and responding. I also know that sometimes it’s just easier to respond than to have it hanging over your head which is why I haven’t really tried to put an end to it. I’d rather give him a few minutes to respond and then have him focused on me rather than have him be distracted. Usually he responds when I go to the bathroom or when he does so it’s not a huge interruption, but I think it’s an issue that a lot of couples face. It just bothers me how work comes absolutely first for so many people so that it’s become an expectation to get a quick response.
His work, even before the EA, put significant strain on our marriage (which is why I felt little sympathy that he spent his entire bonus on marriage counseling). But my work also got in the way a lot — it’s something we’re both trying to work on.
Don’t you think that when it’s OW that affects things more? When you are with him and she emails, and he responds, you can’t help but think of her, and them, and the EA. That is a huge interuption, no?
It’s certainly your marriage, and I don’t know what line of work it is that you were in and he is in, but if it’s that stressful and busy then couldn’t he not work directly with her?
I wouldn’t accept it, I know that. There are certain things that a BS gets to define after an A. It’s no longer a negotiation. We were betrayed and we need what we need, end of story. Emailing OW would be out. No career is worth my marriage, and when the day comes that it is, I’m out.
I’m expressing my thoughts here – not telling you what’s happening in your marriage is wrong.
LOAF — I always appreciate hearing other POVs on all of this, it’s one of the great points about this site! I had two considerations when dealing with my husband’s work situation:
The first reason I never pushed him to leave his job or put it in jeopardy is that it would be difficult for him to find another, esp one with the same earning power. Which means that I’d then become the primary breadwinner. Because of the nature of my job, I only get paid “guaranteed” money once a year or so which means I structure my business to have 2 years of salary in my bank account at all times. So we def had the flexibility for him to quit but I wasn’t willing to spend “my” money on supporting us both, especially in the beginning when it wasn’t looking promising that we’d stay together.
Once I heard about the EA, one of the first things I did was grow selfish and make sure that if we divorced, I could take care of myself. The worst thing I could think of was that I’d support him for several months and then not have the ability to support myself after divorcing. To be honest, at that point my own personal security via my job and savings *was* more important to my marriage. And what’s interesting is that my husband has since told me that one of the reasons he realized he wanted to work on our marriage was watching me regain a strong sense of self and independence.
The second consideration is that I felt a lot of tension between knowing that my husband had to go NC from the OW in order for us to move forward, but at the same time I couldn’t be the one forcing all the rules on him. At a certain point, he had to be able to navigate potentially difficult situations on his own. I knew that if the only reason he stopped contacting the OW is because I was policing him that I would never feel secure. We had to get to the point where he chose to be NC and chose to move past his feelings for the OW.
I won’t lie — at first it was very difficult. He’d find a million excuses for his contact with her and it was frustrating. In the beginning, I did police him until our MC told me that I shouldn’t be setting out a list of acceptable/unacceptable behaviors. Instead, I needed to explain how his behavior hurt me and then had to let him decide how to fix it. After doing this for a while, he eventually moved away from the OW not out of a thought of “my wife said I can’t do this” but out of a “if I do this, even if my wife never finds out, it would be hurtful to her and harmful to our marriage and so I’m choosing not to.”
Because in reality, it’s not him emailing her that really truly bothers me, it’s any possibility that he still has a desire for emotional intimacy and is attempting to have that via contact. So long as he can reassure me through words, thoughts, action about the latter then I don’t worry as much about the former.
All of that being said, I do plan to speak with him about his emailing when we’re out to dinner, esp with her.
I think it’s so messed up that we have to go through this, why can’t we tell them to just get the hell out that we don’t want them anymore, I know I didn’t deserve any of this, I almost wish she would have left me for that convict scum she was messing with.
We were out for dinner and friends were talking about what there types were. My H always said he was for blondes. When it was his turn to say his preference he said as I get older I prefer brunettes. I felt myself stiffen and said under my breath yes I guess you do., her hair is darker than mine ( he had always described me as blonde – I have light brown hair with blonde and red highlights and blue eyes) He responded with her hair is the same color as yours (which is not true and even so I came before her and am older than her). I added and her eyes are brown, he said no they are green (and they are not!) Thank god no one at table heard that exchange. I guess he gets to make evrything what he wants it to be.
Linda, I feel bad for you. As much as this site helps us, I’m sure someone could say something that takes you to a bad place. So I for one, say thanks for the help you provide, and I’m sorry if I cause you any pain. You do help us, so if I can ever return the favor, I’m your gal!!!!!
Triggers are like waves….since its summertime, I would rather be at the beach. Riding the waves, watching them, playing in them…not experiencing that engulfing feeling they give us when we can’t reach for air. That’s how I feel when a trigger hits me. Like you, I just had one with hubbie and his new account on Facebook. I could care less what he does as I believe it’s innocent, but I’m in shock that he didn’t say a word to me about setting one up. And that friending women from college or where he works out ( this is how his ea started) was ok in his eyes. That sending or receiving texts from women was ok by me…none of this is. Our agreement was to NOT have communication, meals, etc with someone from opposite sex…I seriously don’t think he gets it. He will never respect me if he continues to make same mistakes as he is, and I get the triggers. It takes me back to the anger phase and I got nothing accomplished during this time. Linda, triggers plain suck! But it’s a reminder that this too shall pass, and once again we will be stronger than before. Never thought we could lift so much weight did we????????
Writerwife: I’m so glad to know that you are in a better place within your marriage. It feels good to read that there’s someone else like me that has crossed that awful initial phase. Just like you, I also rarely feel threatened by any of the women at work my H had EAs with. Yes, there were many… and for a long time. However there was one in particular who was the closest one to him. We both had her on our facebook pages and she even came with her husband and kids to our house for lunch several times. I honestly never liked her (now I know why) but I tolerated her because she worked with my H. When I found out what was happening my H cut off all contact with her (she’s working in another department now). A few weeks after no contact she posted a message on his FB wall: “Haven’t seen you in awhile….” This immediately provoked a major trigger and on impulse I deleted her from his list of friends, even though I kept her in mine. I told my H what I had done and he said it was better that way although she was going to think he had done it. She didn’t contact him for about 3 months until 12/31 when she sent him a message at work that she hoped to see more of him the next year. He forwarded me the email and never responded to her. Months later she unfriended me when I pointed out a word in English (she speaks Spanish) she had used which was grammatically incorrect! I guess I saw that one coming. LOL! My H later ran into her in the cafeteria and when she asked why she hadn’t seen him around he told her he was busy with his family and work and had no time for anyone else! That was 11 months ago. Never heard from her again. She still works there though. I feel my H has finally learned how to handle office relations and won’t fall into any EAs again. We have also formed a team – against her and anyone else from the past.
Triggers are a very big problem for me. My H does not understand them but now after dday #2 he is at least trying to be a bit more reassuring when they occur. Every night is a trigger for me since they work nights together and that is when they always had contact. It is hardest when he goes to work because they have an inter-departmental IM system that they used to communicate and I will never now for sure that they are not using it now. Even the nights when he is off with me are hard because I worry that he is missing her. The cell phone is not too much of a trigger for me because they only used it once to communicate with each (the one and only time they used it is when they got caught the first time). But the phone still bugs me! Our big days are coming up, anniversary of dday #1 and my birthday (since I found out the OW and I share the same bday) and I am very nervous for how I will cope with them…we will see.
OTE, I can relate to the Big Days. I have my Mother-in-Law Bday on the 21, OW on 22 and mine the 28 of Oct. Not a pretty picture that month. The other BIG DAYs are the end of Jan/Feb. DD last week of Jan, then I got the news my father was dying the following week. Seems like the “bad days” just kept gtting linked… I pray that you make it through your BD and hopefully your H will be there to help you through the pain.
All of you on dday 2, I take my hat off to you, as much as I love my wife, dday 2 will result in me immediately taking her to him and dropping her off, all he wants is her money, he moves from woman to woman because he won’t work, my wife makes right at 3000 a week, for him that is super rich, but she received the knowledge to earn that money from me, I wanted her to be independent and not need me to make a living, what a stupid thing I did.
Writer Wife,
I commend you for building the trust back as you have. I still struggle with the trust. I agree though that your H could hold off on communicating with her long enough for the two of you to spend an uninterrupted date night together.I suppose your H is not even aware of how you feel. I know my H often tells me that I need to speak up if something bothers me, for he just is not aware. He doesn’t say this to be mean, it just does not occur to him.
We are 6 months from DDay, and he has no contact with the OW at all. About triggers though, just when I think that I can really start trusting my H, I get hit by a major trigger.Since I work with the OW and she was supposedly our “best friend” during the EA, we both sent email to her through her work email.
Recently my H’s account got hacked. He sent emails to everyone that got a bogus email sent to them. including the OW’s private email address.That is when it occurred to me that although my H had her private email in his contact list, I did not . I saw her the other day. I let her know that the only reason my H sent her an email was because of being hacked. And obtw, did she realize her private email addy is not in my contact list? Her response was a sorry Oh.
Now I am having a hard time with this. Just yet another reminder of the secretiveness they both held on to for a year and a half.
When he sits at the computer to email (they emailed everyday, even on vacations) I still get a twinge wondering if he is wanting to email her or even thinking about her.
I totally agree re: I’m not sure my husband even knows it bothers me. I plan on bringing it up — I’m a *huge* believer in speaking up when you have problems. None of us are mind readers and it’s not fair for me to expect him to just know what bothers me.
re: trigger emails… I know what you mean. My husband and the OW sent a ton of emails (in the beginning I was usually included unless it was strictly work but toward the end he began to drop me off). Recently he and the OW had to go through all their emails related to the big project they were working on to delete them. So for a couple of weeks, they were both steeped in their relationship over the past year. I know it was hard for my husband because it was a reminder of losing a friend (and of how he screwed up). I’d already deleted all of her contact info from my phone, email, etc. Even if I got hacked and a bogus email got sent to her, I prob wouldn’t email her about it – lol.
Hi KelBelly, I too am 3 months past Dday. Did you find it interesting that the next phase is intense anger? I think I had that phase all ready! At times I still have it. Sometimes I’m angry at my H and I’m always angrky at the OW.
I wonder, does my H have any triggers? He doesn’t want to talk about EA at all – wants to move on…but his actions, his emotional connection,his coping mechanism for the past 18 months have changed or ended. Does he have triggers? I asked him if he missed her…he said no of course. But I wonder. I always wonder.
At work last week, I had OW’s exmother-in-law and boss in the pharmacy at the same time. What a trigger!
Triggers are an issue but sometimes I cant even tell you what triggered a trigger…its crazy. Like most of you it is definately the phone, emails, text messages.I check his phone once a day and if I see a reoccuring number I pay a company to tell me who the number belongs to. Thats how I found out who the OW was. I dont care it gives me piece of mind, Maybe someday I can stop.Places are a trigger too …like this weekend we were suppose to spend the holiday with our son but he insisted on going to a beach town that the OW lives in…couldn’t go so no holiday with family. The fallout continues…
Cell phones have a direct number that all voice mailes got to you can find it in cell phone by looking up voice mail! you can dail that number push in your password if you have one, and hear the messages or send one. If you know the number they call you can check receipt ! voice mail prompts to on how to do it! you can call an leave messages with out it showing on bill! you can dail this from another cell or a land line.
If you have a smart phone you can sync numbers an names with your facebook account to see who it belongs to! if they have there number on there account! just put in your contacts an sync! or make a fb account on there phone sync all numbers to it and see what comes up, but remember to log out so they dont see it. But if they have fb on it they will get a friend suggestion for their name. I also do white pages to find out who’s calling or to check numbers that have a name in phone to see if thats who it really is! 2.99 a month to check phone numbers!
Definitely, they are all triggers, mobiles, texts, e-mails, lack of connectivity on his mobile, because of a bad connection spot! (Yes, I was very stupid!). The restaurant they went to, the underground line that took him to her place many times, is one of the worse one, and driving through that area, anywhere around it! I feel the blood run cold in my veins and my stomach churning!
But I have something else. When I feel that we are in situations as we use to be in, that my husband complained at the time of his “fog” that were boring, such as watching TV, working around the house, or catching up with correspondence, Well, when life is getting a bit more “normal”, I sometimes out of nowhere feel a slight panic as if in a trigger! As if my guts feels and recognise this situation, and that I should be watching not to go back to our old ways! Or being in alert!
I shared these feelings with my husband, because even though these situations are part of normal life, therefore impossible not to be in, “as it is was before”, how is it, that is OK for him now and before he saw it as “boring”? and one of his excuse for being vulnerable to his affair partner?
He said that now that he is changed and hopefully wiser, he realises through his/our changes that we are aware of each others feelings, and he enjoys this things now, because he can see new meanings on it. That he enjoys the simplicity of these acts, as he did not before, because he had forgotten the meaning of being together.
Tryingtoowife: Isn’t just plain stupid for them to say that things that seemed boring before now have a meaning? My H said to me a few weeks after D-day, that it required no effort on his part to stop the EAs he had with his co-worker/s and be the loving husband I wanted him to be. This hit me like a ton of bricks. After hearing him say this a few times I told him to cut the crap! I told him if it required no effort then why was he such a cruel bastard before? Why make me live a rollercoaster of a life: treating me horribly one day and lovingly the next? He didn’t have an answer and he stopped making such a hurtful comment. We’re past that stage now and we’ve settled into a very comfortable routine where we express our feelings often. He’s realized what a big mistake he made and how I tried to keep our love alive even though he took it for granted.
Hi Natalia! Yes, it is all crap! from beginning to end. My husband says that his affairs lasted longer because he was trying to let her go off gently! But looking at the dates he was with her, it intensified at the end! So what? Did he need to have enough before he said goodbye to her!?
I read your comment about your relationship now, and I commend you for getting where you are! I am at over 2 years on this painful mess, and looking forward to feeling as happy as you seem to be. Thanks for giving me hope of a good (I still don’t believe in better!) marriage one day. Please keep showing us that is possible!
Wow, this comment connects with me, too, TTW. I’m just over one year post DD and my H and I are doing very well. We have gone through all the cycles people go through (the lingering contact, the denial, the lying and downplaying, the stonewalling, finally the opening up to honesty and rebuilding) and come out the other end honestly stronger than ever before with a better foundation for our relationship. The year has been very intense and I find that besides obvious triggers (seeing her, places, phones, emailing) I, too, have the trigger of worrying and feeling intense anxiety when things go back to normal. Like a Saturday of yard work, TV, and cleaning and I at first feel safe then panic. IT isn’t fulfilling enough. I’m not enough. Oh, no, I’m not safe. Etc. Ugh. Or it hits right after a great day. We can have a fantastic day and then the next day can be panic ridden.
I, like you, just want to feel comfortable with the ebbs and flows of life. That a perfectly uneventful, boring stretch can just be what it is. Not intensely wondrous, but lovely in its ordinary stability.
Anyway, I decided to just make it a practice to voice these worries straight away rather than fall back to a place of hiding them or absorbing the worry myself or trying hard to make things exciting. Thankfully, he is very understanding and empathetic and I then feel safe again. One day, maybe I can just feel safe. Who knows but I am thankful for being in this place of honesty and support, even if I still struggle. He struggles with me.
I hope the same for everyone else. It was a fight to get here.
Thanks for sharing your storms with me. Ik helps to know we’re not alone and reading this site at least prepared me for things I would’nthave expected.
I’m 1,5Y past D-days. And really think we made a huge progress since and although the triggers are less frekwent some are unbareble. The OW is also a co-worker and used to be a friend. She has been reacting very bad to my H backing off. She has been a real bitch ever since. I’m having a really hard time trusting her and keeping our family safe. last mayor storm was a office party. She Ignored me all evening, turning her back to me when we were talking in a little group of ‘friends’, than invited my H for ‘the last dance’ mentioning just loud enough for me to hear ‘ that is if you have your wifes permission’ and I saw my husband laughing it away. After I flipped that night he told me he didn’t want to make a fuss because she’s a dangerous woman. But for me I was beamed back to the period of D-day and I’m having a very hard time dealing with it. Next trigger comming up she invited our doughter(age7) to her doughter’s B-party next week (she was never invited before, although they were very close friends. I can’t refuse her going and give a good reason for it, my daughter is to clever. I’m actualy afraid she might be playning her little games through the kids now. I’m I beiïng paranoid?? I don’t want a rabbit in my cookingpot!! How do you deal with this type of woman??
CBB: Listen to Tryingtoowife’s advice. Take your daughter on a very special outing that day. Make sure she has so much fun she doesn’t even remember she was ever invited to that party. That cow should not be in control, ever. She’s acting that way with your husband and you because she knows she LOST! Remember: people will do to you what you allow them to do. Don’t allow it. She’s a thief, she stole YOUR husband from you and you have the right to take back what’s yours and build a very high wall around your marriage and family. Tell your husband that no matter how dangerous that cow is he needs to respect you by putting her in her place! Also, don’t let your daughter go to her house, if she’s dangerous she might make a stupid comment to her just to see your reaction and possibly cause a fight between you and your husband.
Natalia,
I was once a former betrayed spouse myself and my exhusband and I are divorced. However we get along
now, and are civil to each other, we each have are own
lives.
Natalia, you mentioned in this above post about the other
woman being a thief, I know it feels that way, however
now is time to peel that layer away, and I am sorry if what
I’m about to say is painful, so I apologize in advance.
In order to heal from an affair we need to peel away each
layer and look at it, and it is painful. Blaming the other woman is a waste of time. When a couple get married
in their wedding vows they promise to remain faithful,
with that being said, when temptation arises it’s their
responsibility to their mates and themselves not to cross
boundaries that lead into affair. Many boundaries are
broken before an affair even starts. By the time a affair
happens the cheating spouse failed in their vows.
It doesn’t matter if it is Miss Universe or plain Jane or
Mr Hunk, or simple Stanley each spouse is responsible
for their own behavior. Yes the other woman/man is wrong
in their behavior, but their not married to you, your spouse
is. It is your spouse who hurt you, and it was their responsiblilty to tell the other person they are married and
not interested. Therefore the other woman/man can’t
steal your spouse, instead its the cheating spouse who
allow themselves to entangle with the other woman/man
therefore they broke your wedding vows. Its impossible
for the other woman to be a thief if your spouse tells them “NO I AM MARRIED”. Again I know that’s painful,
however if you can forgive, that also brings healing.
I feel for you’s, and wish you the best.
Natalia,
Again I apologize I know this is painful, however if you can
put the other woman out of your mind and find out why the
cheating spouse broke those boundaries, and deal with those issues, it will be more helpful then blaming the other
woman. The other woman is not worth you time or effort.
Instead putting that focus back into your marraige is more
productive. Getting to the reason why the spouse cheated is painful, however this is where your rebuilding needs to
start, if your wanting to stay in the marriage. However its
also important not to lose yourself in process either. The
problems lies within the cheating spouse, and its their
job to heal whatever that problem was that lead them to
cheat. Together you both can heal, but remember not to
dwell in the past of this either, the past is over and today
is a new day to leave painful memories behind if your
marriage is mending. Going back to the scene of the crime
only keeps those horrible memories going. When trigger
pops up replace those thoughts with good thoughts at that
moment and do NOT dwell in the past, it will only ruin your
day. Forgiving allows you to let go of the past. We each
have control over what we think about, so if a trigger happens replace it right away with a positive thought.
Natalia,
When my own exhusband was involved with his last affair,
I told him to straighen up or get out, he had cheated on me
more than once. He came later with divorce papers and I signed them. Even though our marriage ended, I still had
to grieve. When I first started my grieving process, I blamed him and the other woman, however I also had to
look at myself and see what part I played in the breakup of
our marriage. It was painful in the beginning but it had to
be done. In that process and also through the process of
trying to get my marraige annuled, I learned many things
that I could see how I played a part in this also. We married at a very young age because of a pregnancy.
I was a good wife and mother. However had we just dated
and allowed our relationship to take us where it was subpose to go we may have never married. We thought
we did the right thing at that time by marrying. However
it wasn’t, my exhusband always felt he missed a part of
his youth in dating other women. I was ready for marraige
but he wasn’t. However he was guilty of not being foward
with those feelings prior to our marraige, if he had I wouldn’t have married him. So now comes the problem
him regretting marriage, and yet wants marriage. However
over time he started cheating on me, he also cheated prior
to our wedding day, which I didn’t learn until later in our
marraige. So when his last affair happened, I could see
that it wasn’t about the other women, it was about him
trying to relive his youth. So by the time we divorced my
feelings had changed for him. As I mentioned I still had
to grieve the loss of our marraige, and all the broken
dreams. It would have been better if he had been honest
from the very beginning, verses him having an affair.
I forgave him, and we get along now. He’s remarried to someone else he met later and
I am happy for him. I am also now just beginning a new
relationship with someone else also, however we are
taking it very slow, at a turtles pace.
The reason I mentioned all this is because I wanted you
to see that before an affair happens there are underlying
problems. Each marriage is different for why an affair
happens. Also an affair should never happen if a couple
is communicating and being honest with each other.
My best to you and your husband.
Anita: Thank you for your advice. I wish I had had someone like you to talk to when all this mess started. I don’t blame the other woman. But it takes 2 to tango and I’m sure she also has her own issues that’s why she developed her own EA with my husband. My husband has always been the type of man all women want to get close to. He’s not a hunk, just an average man (although to me he’s very handsome), however he’s funny, intelligent, a little naive when it comes to women, and always the hero to the damsel in distress. Too bad he didn’t see me in distress! I met my husband when I was in college (21). We hit it off right away. We got married 3 years later and had our first child 2 years into the marriage. We had a long time to get adjusted to each other. However some time later we started drifting apart. I like to socialize, he doesn’t. But he sure started socializing with the women at work. I guess talking to them was fun and free of responsibilities. Coming home each night meant he had to deal with a cranky wife who was at home all day with a crying baby, a messy house, late dinner or no dinner sometimes, etc. Then when the other two children came along the situation got worse. He felt I paid him no attention. It was bad when my relatives from abroad would come to visit. Then he really felt neglected. I understand him but at the same time I find all this a little immature on his part. What did he expect me to do? Divide myself in 2? Turn off the housewife/mother switch and turn on the sexy/wife/lover switch as soon as he walked through the door? I don’t think it’s humanely possible! I’ve explained this to him and told him that if he had just stopped thinking about himself for a moment and thought about how I had so much work and responsibilities on my hands and he would have pitched in to help, then I would have had more TIME to give him. Instead I had to be the one carrying this whole marriage on my back. Even when I discovered the EA I was the one who decided that this marriage needed fixing. Up until the time I discovered everything I didn’t even know the term EA existed! I thought that cheating meant going to bed with someone else other than your spouse. Little did I know that there were other ways of cheating. Once I knew his nasty attitude towards me meant that he was having an EA I was the one who did all the research to find out why it had happened and how to fix it. I felt I was doing a dissertation for a master’s degree with all the reading I did. I read dozens of books which I made him also read. He had no clue that what he was doing was cheating. Now he is very remorseful for hurting me and has vowed never to cross those boundaries again. He also thanks me (almost everyday) for giving him another chance and no kicking him out of my life. One thing I haven’t done yet and I don’t think I’ll ever do is forgive him for what he did. I’ve told him so. I know it sounds cruel but he knew what he did was not right. Even if he didn’t think it was cheating he knew it was wrong because he hid most of it from me. Sometimes he’s reveal a thing or two, but 95% of his behavior with the other woman was hidden from me. If it meant nothing to him why didn’t he share it with me? I was kept in the dark. I will never forgive or forget. If I forgive I feel I’m betraying myself and telling him that it didn’t matter that he broke my heart because it was worthless. If I forget I will let it happen again. He knows all this and has accepted it. I love him very much and he loves me very much also. So I’ve chosen to start fresh and enter into a marriage that was supposed to be THE marriage we always wanted. The marriage we had at the beginning. I’m just glad that I decided to save my relationship because the man I married came back to me. I don’t let the triggers bother me. If they do I tell him and I feel better because he understands and tells me how sorry he is and just his words make it all better. Thank you again for your words of advise. And you were right when your said that communication is the key. I believe that was the mistake we made. We did not communicate our needs and frustrations to each other so we drifted apart. Now it is totally different and we talk all the time and we tell each other how we feel. It’s funny but even during my saddest moments before finding out about the EA I still wanted to be married to him and had millions of plans that included him. He says the same thing. After discovering the EA I still wanted to fight for us. I guess we truly love each other.
Natalia,
I am glad you and your husband are working this out.
You know what you want and because of that I believe
this will work out for the both of you.
As for me I am still undecided about this new relationship
that has just started. I still am not sure I want to go down
this road again. I have gotten use to being single and enjoy my freedom. This morning when I woke up I had a
old familar pit feeling in my stomach again. I had to stop
and think why that feeling was there. I realized that it was
from remembering the past of being in a relationship
again, it wasn’t a good feeling but rather a feeling of feeling
smuthered again. I had to tell myself it was ok if I didn’t
want to go down that road again, and I have the right
to end this now before it goes any further. I am going to
take a couple more days to give this a fair chance, and
if my feelings don’t change I am going let this go.
Some of what I am feeling also is that maybe this person
isn’t right for me either. I have to follow my own heart in
this.
CBB,
You mentioned how do you deal with this type of woman?
I agree with Natalia, you make a special day for your daughter. If your daughter brings it up tell her you have
a big day just for her planned with……..most children are
thrilled to have a big day just for them.
Now for dealing with her, its up to your husband to send
the message loud and clear that he’s not interested.
Dancing with her for the last dance is not giving her that
clear signal, instead it only sends the message back to
her that he wasn’t being a good husband to you, instead
he was giving her what she wanted. This should have never happened this was a grand moment to show her that he was only dancing with you, and told her no I
saved the last dance for my wife. Its important for him
to send these kind of signals. Believe me if he was doing
his part to discourage her, she wouldn’t be doing what
she’s doing. He needs to send the message I’m married
to her over and over, otherwise your dealing with this
very thing of what your dealing with now. It falls on him to
send the signals I’m not interested.
CBB,
You mentioned that she was dangerous. By your husband
refusing to dance with her, and telling her in front of everyone that he was saving the last dance for you, it
would of made her look stupid, and on top of this, there would be no way for her to claim sexual harassment, because it was her coming to him and him refusing, with a room full of witnesses. This was a perfect missed moment on so many levels. He needs to make it perfectly
clear to her from now on he’s married and behave that way.
I may be wrong, but I didn’t read where he actually danced with her – just that she asked him to dance in a very public manner and then took a verbal swing at CBB. I don’t think he actually danced with her.
CBB, why are you even going to these parties if she’ll be there and she acts out in public? Why doesn’t your husband tell people that the two of you won’t be attending any functions she is at, and why doesn’t HE go to HR and complain that she’s behaving this way at office functions.
I wouldn’t let your daughter anywhere near her, btw.
I know these are old but I sure hope she didn’t go to that party.
Last week my husband innocently reached across the table and took my hands and I thought I was going to pass out. I immediately felt guilty for having a reaction, but couldn’t stop the rush of emotion and instant withdrawal of my hands to my lap.
As he told me, “I reached across the table at Starbucks, took Laura’s hands in mine and told her I was in love with her.”
The cruelty of telling me all the details in such an emotional way goes without saying. Every time he touches my hands I feel sick to my stomach. I see him as if watching a movie, reaching for her. Telling her about his love for her. Feeling the rejection of me in those words. As if that weren’t bad enough, he then told her he couldn’t leave me because he couldn’t abandon me. He painted me as a needy, co-dependant rope around his neck. Self-serving! I wasn’t a small dog that he couldn’t leave by the side of the road. I was a self-motivated, productive, loving, caring human being who loved him unconditionally. I’ll never do that again. There will always be conditions to my love now.
Triggers are hell.
We ask our questions. We desperately need to know the how and why’s of it all. My huge question would be for those cheaters out there is, if you were such good liars while enjoying your affair, why can’t you apply that same talent to save the one person you say you are trying to show your love for now?
It will be two years on July 14th when he preformed this hideous action and I’m doing my best to prepare, stay quiet, and live though it.
Peggy: how awful for him to say that to you. My guess is that he was pissed that he got caught and wanted to hurt you. Which he obviously did. Be brave at look at it as a defense mechanism on his part. He probably felt trapped and upset that you took all the fun away. My H felt like that at the beginning but he had no excuse for his behavior and dared not describe any encounters with the cow. I guess I put a stop to that the day a confronted him (2yrs 4mths). The day I found out I wanted to slap him but instead I sat down cried for a few hours and then wrote down on a piece of paper what I was going to say to him when I confronted him. For 2 whole days I kept this pain inside while getting my thoughts in order. I did not want to confront him right away because I was afraid that I’d cry and look like a hysterical jealous woman. I also thought that if I lost control he would say that I was crazy, imagining things and that the other women were just friends. I confronted him and maintained my cool, I didn’t cry until I was done talking. He reacted with remorse and apologized for the first time in his life for his behavior.
Peggy, I know exactly what you mean. Every minute he spent with OW was a rejection of me, of our relationship. My H also told OW he couldn’t leave me. His exact words? “I’d have left a long time ago if I didn’t feel sorry for her”. Well pal, there’s the door if that’s how you feel.
I can read the anger you still have in your post, and I have that too from time to time. I’m sorry your day is coming. Interestingly, that’s the day I found out my H was lying to me, but I stupidly believed his next story so I didn’t find out about the EA for another 5 months. I even went to a therapist because I was so upset about him lying. Did that stop him? No way.
I’m in a very bad place today. I woke up at 4 am intent on telling my H I wanted a divorce. I’m so tired of this, I really am. I don’t think there is enough he could do to stop this anger and this wondering why, after 18 years, he was interested in her at all. I’m just tired.
Triggers are the things that will be with us always, unfortunately. I can’t look at a pay phone without a bit a sick feeling in my stomach because that was the method of choice for continuing communication after I found out about my H and the OW. I made a list of my triggers and it turns out there are at least ten of them, so it’s really hard to avoid having something come up on a daily basis. One of the MANY complaints my H had about me that he told the OW was that I would sit at my laptop and do word puzzles. Even now, at 126 days post D-Day when we have some really good days and he assures me that he loves me, he seems to always have his face in his phone…. Facebook, news apps, weather… what have you. How is it that what I did was interpreted as checking out of our marriage and what he’s doing is just part of modern life? I haven’t done a word puzzle since D-Day…. even that is a trigger for me…. and watching him buried in his phone just makes me think of those months he was texting away with her, smile on his face, right in front of me. Technology sucks!
CBB – Your husband should make it clear! I AM NOT INTERESTED! No thank you very much! I am now going to dance with my dear, beautiful wife!!!
As to the birthday party, take your children else where! to the cinema, to visit a friend! To the moon if you must, but not closer to this selfish, inconsiderate person. You, your husband and your children are a unit, it should be stronger to the advances of this woman. You are the only one to control what to give, and should not give her power over you and your family. Don’t let this tramp intimidate you! Show some strength! If you dont do it now, she will keep pushing! Sorry if I sound too harsh.
Tryingtoowife: Well said! I like how you think 🙂
I’m with you, tryingtoowife! If she even came near my husband or anyone in my family I would lose it. there are too many people in the world. My daughter has lots of friends and she would just have to be minus one. Your marriage and family is more important than any party. I told my husband he better tell his ex girlfriend that is she is ANYWHERE I am, she will need to leave, and I am not kidding, lol. The only neutral territory is her house…
Natalia. In the early days after DDay, the mad monster my husband had an affair with, threatened to destroy my family! I let very clear to him that: If she ever try or get close to my children, I kill her!!!
Not that she was interested in being friends with his children, she only wanted what he was providing her! And once dumped she wanted to cause havoc. But I feared for them, and I would have done so. I was in alert to protect them from the mad monster, although I was not aware to do the same for my husband, and he at the time of the affair, was too keen to fall into her claws to care!
Linda,
Although the signs may have been there, the complete trust we have in our spouse, generally discounted the feelings of something not being right in our relationships. If I were to do it all over now knowing what I have learned, I would certainly been more proactive to try to mend the dysfunction that was happening in our relationship before the EA.
But I look back, and realized that I did realize we were becoming distant, I tried to instigate us to do more. Go dancing together, etc.. But husband just didn’t seem to want to put in the efforts, and made every excuse not to do more together, due to busy lives, etc…
I look back and see that there was little I could do to prevent the EA from happening. For my H, he had 90% of the signs that he was going through a mid life crisis. A basic crisis of identity.
And although affairs often happen because one is going through a mid-life crisis, every book and article I have read pretty much said the same thing. There is very little you can do, other than keep a level head and remain centered, to prevent the crisis from happening. That includes affairs, irrational behavior, depression, adolescent behaviors, addictions, etc…
Like in affairs, the BS needs to not act impulsively, keep busy and happy, and taking care of yourself and kids are the best thing the spouse can do for themselves. Add trying to read up on everything that applies, and trying to be understanding goes a long way for dealing with mid-life crisis behaviors. Oh, and don’t take things too personally.
Again like affairs, it is really up to the person who is experiencing the mid-life crisis, to sort out who they truly are, who they want to be, and deal with the turmoil going on in their lives.
I wonder what percentage of affairs are due to a spouse going through a mid-life crisis. Linda, have you found any statistics on this?
I go weeks with no triggers and then bam right out of nowhere it’s there, I try to quickly dismiss them but they linger and I zone out I go deep into thought.
It’s been almost two years, will this one day go completely away?
I don’t trust him, actually I trust he wouldn’t do something stupid with the OW again, I don’t trust that he would see the beginning signs of a work acquaintance crossing the line.
We talk everyday more than we ever did in the past and topics I never would have thought we needed to discuss.
But when a trigger comes up I immediately go back to that place almost two years ago like it was just yesterday.
I understand what you say about not trusting that he would see the beginning signs of a work acquaintance crossing the line. My H and I have talked at length about this subject. He now knows which signs to look out for (flirty comments on his part, the OW making comments to stoke his ego, etc.). It’s sad but trust me it will never be the same, you will never be the same person you were before the EA. The only thing to do is read, a lot. I started with “Not just friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass, went on to read 2 or 3 books by Dr, Gary Neumann, and many others on the subject. Each one was an eye opener and helped me learn to trust again but not blindly (never doing that again!). The only reason why I feel better today is because he also read those books and we discussed every single chapter. Knowing that he knows where the danger lies gives me peace of mind. And those triggers are not as powerful as at the beginning. Also, when I happen to discover an old email to one of those women I show it to him and use it as a tool to let him know that his comments to her (and her answer) are NOT acceptable. The discovery of anything knew doesn’t affect me as much because I feel free to talk to him about it instead of keeping it to myself like I did 2 years ago after confronting him. Keeping inside the shock and anger at a discovery only made it worse and made me sick. Now I bring it up and having it out in the open makes it sound unimportant and stupid. Everything is very transparent between us now, because there are no lies. As the say the truth will set you free.
And I’m tired
I’m tired of rembering
I’m tired of dreaming of the life we used to have
This whole EA has taken so much from me
I want the old me back
Exactly. I’m just tired of all of it.
LOAF and Surviving – Don’t despair! Indifference and disconnection to the situation would show the end of hoping. Where there is questioning, there is still hope and fighting! This is a VERY hard road to walk, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if sometimes in unexpected ways. You need to take care of yourselves primary and totally. (I am trying to learn too).
I wish I could forget everything and wish we could just be normal again. I’m so terribly conflicted. My wife’s PA/EA was so long ago now, but the revelation of it is still so fresh since she just told me in January. I try to not let myself get sucked into these storms and remember that it was a long time ago, but the the problem is forgetting.
She was able to forget it (more or less) and pretend it didn’t happen, but my mind doesn’t work that way. I remember it all. I remember my feelings. I remember the dates and days. I remember the hard times we were having. I remember the good times we were having. I remember feeling her grow more distant from me and the fights that seemed to come from nowhere.
I remember the concert that she and I attended when he showed and she acted so strangely, especially when his date arrived. She seemed shocked, jealous, and angry. I remember questioning her about her reaction and I remember her blasting me for making accusations even though I made none. I also remember the look on her face when I caught her walking out of his apartment. I remember her denials and the years of doubt and pain that I carried but tried to bury because I didn’t want to accept the painful truth of what she had done. I remember the years of trying to rebuild, but never quite being able to put it out of my mind.
I want to forget. I don’t want triggers. I don’t want to remember that she was with him just during our anniversary. I don’t want to know the dates she was making love with him. I don’t want to know that she was crushed when he showed with another woman. I don’t want to know about the pictures he took of her and the letters she wrote to him that stated her undying love or all the things she loved about him and the things they did together. I don’t want any of it.
I’m so tired of caring and so tired of crying. I’m so tired of avoiding music and movies that might spark a memory or trigger painful feelings and thoughts. I tired of being afraid of having a good time with her because it makes me feel vulnerable, scared, and angry at her for jeopardizing our family and our happiness. I’m tired of the sleepless nights, the nightmares, and feeling like this is never going to end. I tired of her anger at me when I can’t “just let it go”. I miss my blissful ignorance.
I finally understand and accept that I will never forget and that I will never be blissfully ignorant again. My only wish now is that someday I will be able to avoid my trigger storms or at least learn how to ride them out better.
Dave: I can totally relate to how you feel. It’s exactly the way I felt 2 years ago. Sometimes the triggers try to take back to that time but I don’t let them. What helped me get over the pain and anger was my H himself. He has shown and told me that he made a terrible mistake that put our marriage, our family and our love in danger and has vowed to NEVER hurt me again. He who hurt me so much has become my healer. Everyday he says or does things that help me gain back my trust in him. Believe me, if your wife puts in 100% of effort to heal you, to reassure you that she will never hurt you again, you too will heal. But it has to come from her. If she doesn’t acknowledge that she broke her vows to you, and if she doesn’t put herself in your place to see and feel your pain, you won’t stop hurting and your anger will never subside. She should NEVER expect you to “just let it go”, if she says that it is because she has not taken responsibility for her actions. Her EA/PA was not your fault and it is her job to help you heal. Please do some research it will open your eyes and hers too. Read books on the subject and have her read them too. My H and I did this and life today is very good and probably even better than before because we now know how vurnerable we were and we’ll never cross boundaries that are inappropriate in a marriage. I too was blissfully ignorant, but not anymore. I know I will never be the same, I also wish I had never found out because it was devastating, however, it is what it is and we cannot turn back time or erase the past so we need to deal with it head on. These are some of the books I read:”The 5 Love Languages” and “Desperate Marriages” by Dr. Gary Chapman, “Emotional Infidelity” by M. Gary Neuman, “Not just friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass,”The Emotional Affair” by Ronald T. Potter-Efron, “After the Affair” and “How can I forgive you” by Janis Abrahms Spring, and “Getting Past the Affair” by Douglas K. Snyder. Take care of yourself, be strong and have faith. Talk to her without accusations or anger and try to get through to her and read with her and to her. Wishing you the best.
Thank you Natalia. I’ve been reading a lot, but I haven’t read any of those. I will start working on those next.
We are in counselling and she says she takes responsibility for it in one breath and then proceeds to tell me why she did it (mostly my fault) in the next. I didn’t give her what she needed, she wanted revenge for what I did four years prior to her affair, he was saying all the right things, she was young and naive, I wasn’t romantic or attentive enough, etc.
She says she knows she crossed the line, but then will say that I pushed her over it. The idea that I made her cheat or didn’t do the right things that she needed to keep her from cheating has been a bitter pill to swallow.
My H also tried to blame me for his EAs saying that I didn’t appreciate him enough or that he felt his opinion didn’t count. He was half right. I wasn’t happy with him because I felt I lived in a roller coaster. One day he was very supportive and sweet and the next he was critical and gave me the stonewalled treatment. I didn’t know who I would wake up to each morning, no wonder I was so guarded and distant. I didn’t want to get hurt! When I told him why I acted the way I did (a response to his behavior) he was shocked and had no idea how his attitude had affected me. After reading all those books he apologized and started the healing process. He never said I pushed him to do what he did but he implied it. It’s been a long, long and painful process but worth it. We never went to a marriage counselor. I wanted to deal with this in private because I needed him to man up to what he had done to me and I felt he was going to hide behind the counselor’s advise. The thought of a moderator just didn’t seem to be what we needed. At the beginning I would read a book and when I was done I’d hand it to him. Then we’d discuss it. Later we began reading a chapter together every night. Even now when I find a book that can help us I will read it with him. It’s a continued process and I think I have conquered my fear that he might not see the signs of an EA beginning. He knows what thoses signs are and knows how to stay away from them.
This argument by cheaters that you caused them to do what they did is possibly the stupidest and most immature thing I’ve ever heard. If they were unhappy, the correct options are work on your marriage or leave. All betrayed spouses could have easily had”affairs” but they didnt. Trust me, if I were so inclined I could find someone and be”in love” by the end of the month. It dont take much, just a wandering eye and a willingness to commit adultery. Very impressive.