Confronting a Cheater and the Other Person

relationship_strugglesThis weekend we received an email from a person who has some serious suspicions about her husband and the possibility that he is having an emotional affair with one of his co-workers.  

She really didn’t have any hard evidence – just a gut feeling.  She was questioning whether or not she should confront her husband and the other woman.

So what about confronting a cheater based on your suspicions of him/her having an affair?  When should you confront them? When should you lay low?

The answer is when your gut tells you to and when the evidence cannot be denied. When it’s so blatantly there, you need to confront it.

Be careful though. 

You need to put safety first. If your spouse is the type that in confronting them, they’re likely to become violent towards you or toward the children, then confrontation needs to be handled a whole different way. In those cases, you may need to find a place to get safe before you confront.

Assuming that you feel safe in confronting, in general confront with what you have and not with what you suspect. In other words, if your spouse has been keeping a lot of late hours, then confront them on that.

You might say, “Honey, you’ve been staying away from the home a lot. What’s going on with that?” Don’t automatically jump and make the accusation of the affair.

If you’re finding some unusual numbers on their phone, ask them about those unusual numbers. “Who are these women that are calling you?” “Who are these men that are calling you at work and coming by?”

If what you have is emotional distance where your spouse seems to be pulling away from you (like in our case) and you notice some inconsistent behavior, that’s one of those things where you might say, “Honey, on the weekends, you’re close to me, but during the week, you’re far away from me. What’s going on with that?”

You should start with going ahead and confronting a cheater with the tangibles in terms of what you have as opposed to what you suspect, because if you come to your spouse and immediately hit them with, “I think you’re having an affair,” you’re definitely going to have a fight over that.

Instead, you should go ahead and present them with what you have the evidence of, give them a chance to explain it and start talking about what that evidence may mean.

“What does it mean with all these men or women calling you? What does it mean that you’re staying out? What does it mean that you’re pulling away from me?”  See what they come up with.

One little tip that I learned too is that if you are discussing a certain matter, say for instance a ton of text messages on their cell phone, stick with that. When confronting a cheater, don’t let them divert your attention to anything that you have done wrong or let them talk about their feelings.

When I confronted Doug with evidence of numerous calls from the same phone number, he totally went away from that and started talking about how we had grown apart and so forth. It diverted my attention from what I was really trying to confront him with.  As a result, I started to focus on our relationship issues during that particular conversation rather than focusing on the actual evidence of the phone calls.  Does that make sense?

Stick with the facts and let them answer those facts and don’t allow them to go off on something else because cheaters tend to be experts at distracting and manipulating.

On the other hand, if you don’t have any facts or you’re guessing, then maybe you should just wait to confront until you have more evidence.

You confront with what you have.

If the only evidence you have is that they’re emotionally distant from you, talk about that. If the only sign you have is they’ve made some unusual requests of you lately, say, “This is out of the pattern, this is unusual that you’re doing this,” and stick with that.

If an affair is going on, you can be certain that there will be other signs, because with affairs, there are always a multitude of signs. There’s not just one or two.  You initially may not see the affair signs, but they are there and you can confront each of them.

Now, what about confronting the other person (OP)?

Many of you may have listened to the interview I did with Dr. Huizenga about confronting the OP and therefore know that I chose not to confront her in our case for a variety of reasons.

One of the main reasons I did not was out of fear. I was afraid of what I would find out. I didn’t want all the details from her. I didn’t want her to tell me that Doug loved her and the things that they did together. I wanted to hear it all from Doug.

I didn’t want to involve her in our situation anymore. It was between me and Doug and bringing her into it would just give her more fuel, so I decided that wasn’t the best thing for me.

I’m sure that experts vary on their opinion on this topic to some extent, though most of what I have read and heard seems to indicate that at least with an emotional affair, confrontation tends to give the OP a lot more power within the relationship and should probably be avoided.

Marriage and Family Therapist Jeff Murrah typically advises a betrayed spouse NOT to confront the OP, because in confronting the OP, “…you literally are bringing them into your emotional bedroom. You’re bringing them into your life, you’re giving them more power than they need to.  The real issue is between you and the cheater.”

Once again, you need to be aware of the possibility of some real life-threatening danger that could result out of confrontation.  The OP may not be all that pleased that you are confronting them and could take their anger out on you physically.

Or, you could look at it the other way around.  How many times have we all seen or heard of situations involving someone who was cheated on who then took their rage out on the OP and either a malicious beating or even murder was the result?  It’s in the news all the time, that’s for sure.

Obviously, every situation is different, but I would suggest that in any situation if you’re considering confronting the other person to really think it through very seriously before you do it. Think about any and all consequences that could come out of it – both emotionally and physically.

 

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The Cheater Must Become the Healer
“Healing from an Affair: A cheater’s guide for helping your spouse heal from your affair”

If you want to discover the 24 healing ‘tasks’ that the unfaithful spouse needs to carry out, then you should check this program out now.

 

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58 Responses to Confronting a Cheater and the Other Person

  1. JS September 26, 2011 at 7:03 pm #

    Iw ish I had not confronted the OP. I only did it via email and text after I found out about them intially, and then again after I found out they were continuing the relationship even though he had told me they were not. It felt good to threaten to tell her boyfriend if the contact didn’t stop, and it was ultimately the thing that stopped them because she didn’t want to lose that to continue the EA with my husband, but it didn’t make me feel better in the long run.

    I confronted my husband with emails I found between them, and then again down the road with the text records showing the contact was much more intensive and had gone on for months longer than he admitted. Of course, he downplayed the whole thing and said it was no big deal.

    Both “confrontations” left me feeling empty and no better off. With the OP, I never got a response to my first email confronting her, and after seeing the text records months later, it’s evident the two of them never missed a beat and took no break from each other. That left me feeling like a joke to them both, and that was a big hit to my self esteem. It’s still very difficult to picture my husband texting her after getting my email, saying “don’t worry about her, let’s just keep on.” It kills me.

    I had no choice but to confront my H with the emails I initially found. However, when I later found the text records, he was alerted to that because I changed our wireless account online access, and it triggered a notification to him that I was viewing them. Oh how I wished I had not confronted him at that point, but rather let him tell me what he was doing. He knew he was caught and he started to scramble, but I was in such a rage, I confronted him rather than making him come up with whatever story he was going to tell about why he was still contacting her. I wish so much I’d had the strength to just sit quietly at that time but my anger and hurt was just too much. Or I wish I’d had the strength to tell him to sleep somewhere else that night and take a hike. My anger at the time of the confrontation became the central focus and it blew up in my face.

    My advice for anyone with evidence of a cheating spouse is to get a really good pile of it before you make the accusation of cheating. I was able to somehow crack his password on his email account on his iTouch, but I stupidly reviewed only about a dozen exchanges before confronting him right then and there. Oh, if I had only locked myself in the room with that iTouch for about 30 minutes, I have no doubt I would have known the whole truth (whether “i love you”s were shared, whether it moved to a PA, etc). My husband refuses to talk about it, so I know I’ll never know the whole truth, and I kick myself daily for this and wish I’d had more restraint across the board at that time. Hindsight is 20/20.

    • Shannyn April 20, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

      Hi, I am new to this site. I have found it to be extremely helpful to know that there are so many people with the same issue as me. My story is a liitle on the strange side. My husband , myself , the OW and her husband all work in the same place. I have had a feeling that something was going on for at least a year now. There have been several strange things I’ve witnessed, but my H always said it was nothing. The OW has always flirted with him knowing he was married to me. Over the last year all of our fights have been over her. Three months ago I was looking through phone records and discovered he had been texting her all day everyday. What led me to check the records were my gut feeling that something was wrong. He kept talking about not wanting to be married and wanting to be by himself, he never wanted to have sex anymore, he never wanted to spend time with me. We have been married 22 yrs. With no problems until about 4 yrs. ago when he started working at my place of employment. Back when he first started I felt something wrong and I checked phone records and found him texting someone constantly. I confronted him then, and we got in a huge fight. We both agreed then that he could no longer contact his “friend” and changed his number. I was ok for a while after that, until this OW came into the picture. For some strange reason I think it is now the same OW from 4yrs. ago. When I confronted him this time he was angrier than the last time. He was upset that I invaded his privacy. He said he wanted a divorce, went out and got a new phone and gave only her the number, went and got a PO box , stopped his payroll deposit from going into our checking accout, and told me leave. Yet he claims that she is only a friend! Who would ruin their marriage for a friend? He completely denies any affair. We have started talking since I moved out. He called me and said he wanted to work things out slowly. He has not shown any effort to do so. I know he’s with her. I feel it in my heart. Let me say that this the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life, and I have been through many deaths and other traumas. I have dropped about 4 sizes in weight, I can’t eat, I can’t think, I can’t cope. I had to take 2 months off from work just because of stress. He doesn’t even care about my health or feelings at all. He’s even acting weird with my 4 children, who I told about his affair. He says I need to quit fighting with him and try to move forward. How can I do that when I know he’s lying to me? What do you do when someone won’t admit it? I decided to change buildings to avoid any confrontation and embarrassment. I decided to not confront her and be the bigger person . I didn’t want her to know she got to me. So I am completely away from them and living on my own. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Any suggestions?

      • Blue April 21, 2012 at 10:32 am #

        Shannyn, I have so much I want to say to you- looking from the outside. I just don’t have much time until Monday. Does her husband know?
        Do you need his income for support?
        Have you thought of anonymously exposing them to your HR deptartment at work?
        You are not alone, although you may feel it.

        • Shannyn April 21, 2012 at 11:25 am #

          Blue, no her husband does not know, but in my detective work I found out that she had filed for divorce right before my husband and I split up. How coincidental! Her husband is not contesting it either. No, I do not need him for support, I have only taken money from him for our daughter. I don’t want his help, we have always had money arguments throughout our marriage. I am not going to disclose where we work, but I can tell you that people in upper management sleep with everyone and have affairs too, so reporting them would do no good. Besides I’m trying to save myself the embarrassment. I have already exposed it to all my children, his family, and my closest friends. My children don’t believe it though because they say I don’t have solid proof. They have agreed to take my side though. I told them they have to trust me. I just don’t know what to do, because I’m am going crazy. I guess it’s because of how long we have been married and I really never thought he would do this to me. I am almost done raising my kids, the last one 17, and I thought now was the time we would start doing the things we never got the chance to do. I put up with his shit for 22 yrs. Of my life and myself have always remained faithful. Anyway thanks for listening.

  2. Notoverit September 26, 2011 at 7:57 pm #

    I never confronted the OW because, like Linda, I already knew what I wanted to from my H. I have chosen to ignore her completely. Well, as completely as a stalker will allow you to do.

    I never actually confronted my H either. I caught him on the phone at 1:00 am and asked who he was talking to at that hour. He got the deer-in-the-headlight look and didn’t answer. The next day, after I had totally ignored him, he confessed to the EA. He called the OW and told her he couldn’t talk to her any more. She called me back to explain and I told her I was not interested in talking to her and then hung up. I still refuse to talk to her. She continues to take pokes at me, almost a year later, but I have been told by experts on stalkers to ignore her. Their opinion is that they should gather the evidence of her stalking independently of me and then talk to her H. The experts say that it is too dangerous for me to tell her to leave us alone. I am hoping this will resolve the issue. Maybe not… But the point is: you do not know this other person and, if you are like me, you may find yourself in a Glenn Close/Michael Douglas situation so don’t confront if you don’t have to.

  3. Still hurting September 26, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

    The decision to confront the cheater and the OP is a very personal one. In my situation, I didn’t notice any clues or had any suspicions about my H’s EA until the day our cell phone bill arrived (6 months ago) and I noticed thousands of text messages to a number I didn’t recognize. The thought that my H was involved with another woman never even crossed my mind, in fact I believed there was some mix up with our phone company. After asking my H about the number he told me that he had been texting a married female friend at work. That was when I grew suspicious and demanded to know what was going on. After he confessed to an EA (although it took months of my snooping and questioning to learn the WHOLE truth about his EA). I called and confronted the OW the night I found out.

    For me confronting the OW was empowering and I am very glad that I did it. By inserting myself into their EA, I helped break apart their fantasy.

    • Kristine September 26, 2011 at 11:17 pm #

      Still hurting, how did the OW react?

      • Still hurting September 27, 2011 at 5:58 pm #

        She initially denied that anything inappropriate was going on. After I told her that I saw the sexually provocative messages and half nude photos she sent my H, she then told me that I had “misinterpreted” her communications with my H. I realized there was no way I would get her to admit any wrong doing or apologize so I basically just told to stay the hell away from my H and that I have complete faith Karma will catch up to her someday. She has not contacted my H since that confrontation.

        During my phone confrontation/discussion with the OW, she did provide me valuable information. My H insisted the EA had only been going on for 6 weeks and that the OW had pursued him. She told me my H had initiated contact with her over a year ago. When I confronted my H with this information he finally admitted the OW was telling the truth. Learning this information set back our healing process greatly and even though it’s been 6 months since D-Day, I don’t trust my H one bit. If he’d told me the entire truth in the beginning there would be a better chance of healing, but his constant lies have destroyed my trust and faith in him and our marriage.

    • tryingtorecover July 24, 2015 at 9:51 am #

      I confronted the OW and I felt conflicted about it afterwards. I definitely felt empowered because I learned things that my husband would never admit o- how long the affair actually took places, “selfies” they shared of their bodies, a day they met up and he spent with her and her two children. After she told me this he confirmed this. I also felt empowered because I shared text messages he wrote to me about not truly loving her and how he felt that she wasn’t particularly bright so he used her to boost his ego. This was upsetting to her and she began to respond with things about my husband that he denied. This created a reality for both of them that they lived a lie of who the other person was- they truly are not honest, genuine people who loved one another in an authentic way. I think this contact helped get them out of this “fog” and help ensure my husband reaching out to her would seize. He saw her for who she truly was now. He realized that all these awful things she said about her husband she was now directing at him. It was an eye opener – he no longer felt badly for her, but now her husband and children.

      Why I regret reaching out is I feel like it gave her a sense of power and being part of our relationship again. She had information that I wanted- this is again, control for her. In a sense it was “inviting” her back into our marriage. My husband pointed this out and continued to say he didn’t want anything to do with her and asked that I seize any contact with her. At first I believed it was just out of learning of my learning more information, but later I began to see that she is a “spider woman.” She pulled men and women into her using kindness and being patronizing to control them- she did this to my husband and was now doing this to me. In one email she had the audacity to tell me she loved me too!!! This is when I knew I was in her web and contact had to end.

      So I feel conflicted about reaching out to the OW. Would I do it again? Yes- but I would end contact very quickly after learning what I needed.

  4. Kristine September 26, 2011 at 11:16 pm #

    I had been suspicious for a while that something was going on. He was so cold and cruel to me. Dismissive and mean. I never had him treat me like that before. EVER. It was totally out of character for him. He was distant and cold. I was so alone even though he was in the house. I kept asking and asking and he’d say no that he was going through something, he had told me he had been thinking things he never thought before like maybe he didn’t want to be married anymore but when I’d ask him if he was gonig to act on those things he’d say “no I’m not going anywhere, I’m not leaving” and when I’d say “are you interested in getting involved with someone else?” he’d say “no I’d never do that. I won’t do that to you.” but in the end he did. So I was completely blindsided. I knew he had been going through something. I even suggested marital counseling and told the counselor I just wanted hi to be happy even if it wasn’t with me and he sat there and said he didn’t want out of the marriage that he was just going through a weird chapter. The counselor even had a meeting with him privately for an hour one day and then me the next week and told me he didn’t get the impression at all that my husband was looking to step outside of the marriage. A month later he started the PA. He had already made contact with the person the same month we were in counseling. I found out 3m later about it. A letter from her to him. I immediately confronted him you better believe it. I told him I wanted a divorce. I don’t regret for one second confronting him. I had proof and I felt stupid, lied to, betrayed, shocked and kicked in the gut. It wasn’t just the PA that cut me to the core it’s that he asked me all along to be patient with him as he dealt with his issues but did everything he said he wouldn’t in the end. I felt used. Abused.

    I never confronted the OP. I almost did, I wrote about it in my blog just recently. I thought she didn’t know he was married even though he told me she did know. I thought “no, no one can know this and willingly be involved with a married man!” Now I’m so glad I didn’t contact her. She would have used it against me because she was manipulating everything to conform to her agenda anyway. That just would have been more arsenal against me and at the time and where my husband was at mentally he would have fallen for it. I’ve never had a big desire to contact her after that initial discovery and realizing who she was. Never read her facebook page again or think about her much. I wasn’t impressed when I saw who she was, in fact, she wasn’t much to brag about to me. Her style was cheap, she’s bone skinny and although she has a somewhat attractive face, I think I’m way more attractive so I never felt my self-esteem torn down in that way. If anything I wondered what did my husband see in her but now I know, it was her ego stroking and mistresses have a way at being tuned into a vulnerable man and fine tuning their skills. I now know my husband wasn’t the first married man she got involved with either.

    • Paula September 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm #

      Kristine, our OW had been a friend of mine since childhood, her mother taught our two younger children (mother is a BS, her husband, OW’s father, is a serial cheater) and I considered her a friend, also, serving on PTAs and school Boards of Trustees with her, etc. My OH was not distant, cruel or mean, we carried on as we always had, sex still great, etc. However, I did know that something was “off” – we, or should I say he, had made some unilateral decisions about where we lived and conducted our business, barely even consulting me, moving us and our family, our investments in less than five weeks, cutting us off from his family, who I had been close to (we still haven’t spoken to them in almost five years)and I was depressed and simmering angry, so not in a very good place, gained weight, started to drink too much, trying to cope. I would have loved to talk to her, but I have come to realise that she “didn’t do anything wrong” – at least that is absolutely how she saw it, she is narcissistic and thinks that if I wasn’t looking after my man properly, then it was open season on helping yourself. I have realised that talking to her would get me nowhere, because she is a sociopath (I’ve read the definition, and it is true, she meets every one of the guidelines, and I think because she was a distant friend, only seen every now and then, I ignored it until it bit me in the bum!) Therefore, she is incapable of seeing my point of view, of empathising with my pain, so, much as it really annoys me, contacting her (and I tried to reach out to her in the beginning) is just a waste of time. I just have to believe that karma will look after her. My best defense has been to try to live well, and mend the broken relationship, but I’m not sure I can keep pushing through the pain for much longer.

  5. DJ September 27, 2011 at 1:43 am #

    It was because of Linda’s story that I didn’t confront my husband’s OW. Sometimes I still wish I could let her have it, but Linda’s situation fits mine, and it really would have done no good.

    I would love to tell her husband, too. He found out twice over the six years that the two of them were betraying us. From the emails I gather that he threatened to call me but never did. He thinks the affair lasted for four years. At the point of my D-day, he still had no clue about the last two years. If I were him, I would want someone to tell me.

    As for my husband, I confronted him each time I found something, and each time he tried his best to hide the rest. But I kept digging and I found it all before he could do anything about it. Maybe I’ve seen too much and I know too much. I don’t know if I can move beyond it after almost a year. October 17 will be one year. It looms on the horizon like a plague moving in on a black cloud of evil.

    I think I’ll go somewhere alone on that day. I don’t want to see anyone.

  6. B September 27, 2011 at 9:39 am #

    Like JS, I was too quick to confront. I had months and months of texts, calls, lunches, etc. I was too hurt and too angry to not confront my wife because all of a sudden she was a different person, she was acting in a shameful way. Distant throughout the week, close on the weekends. Yet the pattern was always the same. I wake up for work, kiss her goodbye and say “I love you”. She would tell me she loves me, get up for work, then text him or call him. Then immediately after she would always call me. The funny thing about being cheated on is that no matter how much evidence we have, we always want to believe it is not happening. There were actually times after I confronted my wife about 50 texts or so in one day where she would say, “it is always about work”. So you find a place in your mind where you can believe that and you move forward. My reward for confronting too early…………………..she just got better at hiding things. I believe she is still talking too and seeing him. I believe it has been physical, I believe confronting her too soon and calling him (which I did, only to tell him to grow-up and find some morality) gave her the ability to be sneakier. The problem I have now is that this guy seems really stupid. He calls her now, but blocks his number (as if he thinks that will fool me). Funny thing is, when I get a call on my cell marked “blocked” or “private” I never answer. If they leave a voicemail, I know who it is and I can return their call. When my wife gets a call marked “blocked or private”, she answers and talks for 15-20 minutes. Not too hard to crack that code now is it? At this point I am literally in mental hell and can’t escape. She says it was a friendship that she took to far but never became physical, she says she wants to be with me and keep our family together, she says I am making too much of this and need to let it go. She says all this, and yet when he calls, she can’t even show the restraint she needs to by not talking to him. Why oh why won’t our cheating spouses just leave us to be with this magical person?

  7. Norwegian woman September 27, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    Confronted my husband about my suspicions. He admitted and chose to work on the marriage (later he admitted that he had contacted her afterwards). Two months later I found a suspicious mail from another woman. Confronted her in an e-mail. Lies, lies and then some more lies. Confronted my husband. He accused me of being paranoid. (later i found out that they had discussed what to tell me – and still had contact after that) Contactet woman nr. 1 and asked her about their EA. Lies, lies and then some more lies. 6 months later: Got an e mail from woman nr. 2`s husband, confronted my husband. Lies, denial, lies and then som more lies. And oh….. he also denied. Confronted her. Got a lot of information, but i suppose they once again have discussed what was to be revealed or not. Nothing adds up. A lot of things is still probably just lies.

    All I got is the knowledge of just HOW much he is capable to lie and decieve me. And the knowledge that the whole truth never will come out…….

  8. blueskyabove September 27, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

    I confronted the OW by email within hours of discovery and I have not regretted it. Ever. Their fantasy world changed. They could no longer ‘pretend’ that I didn’t exist. I was someone they had to face and deal with. At the time, my H was on a business trip in Florida. I was in Arizona and the OW was in California. The affair was basically over by the next night. He never saw her again and I would confront her again in a heartbeat.

  9. monalisa September 27, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

    I called the OW too, but not before I called her husband to let him in on the “party” and give him my husbands cell number so he could see the activity on the telephone records. She, of course denied that anything was going on other than a friendship. However, I had already gotten some of the details and evidence which I confronted her with. I also informed her what might happen to her if she chose to attempt contact with my H again, and I think she knew that I meant it.
    She then put a staus on her fb account that said something to the effect that she would not forget her enemies. She better damn well not forget that I am her enemy and she might also want to sleep with one eye open. She probably thought that I threatened her but, I actually just made a promise I intend to keep if I need to.
    I am glad that I confronted her and have no regrets.

  10. Briana @ 20 and Engaged September 27, 2011 at 11:32 pm #

    Reading some of these comments are breaking my heart 🙁 I just found your site, and just didn’t realize how many people have been affected by EAs. Praying for healing for everyone.

    I do agree that you shouldn’t confront your significant other until you have evidence and you do it in a calm manner. I also agree with what Still Hurting said: the decision on confronting the OP is a personal one. Some people won’t find healing until it’s done.

    • tryingtorecover July 24, 2015 at 9:57 am #

      It’s the “club” you don’t want to join, but once you’re here you’re happy you’re not alone….

  11. StealthGenie September 28, 2011 at 9:43 am #

    Surviving infidelity is one of the toughest tasks ahead. Instead of confronting them empty handed, you must have evidences collected of their cheating so that they feel little abashment over the behavior they had but were in denial. Use StealthGenie mobile spy software for support.

  12. Holding On September 28, 2011 at 7:01 pm #

    I confronted. I picked up my husband’s cell phone as he received a photo text from OP and that was D-Day for me. I headed out to work that night with a brief conversation about “It being nothing, and she must have a wrong idea about the friendship if she thought she could send pictures like that.” and the following day, I searched phone records and saw a 3 hour conversation! Hmmm, talking for 3 hours to a girl late into the night might give her the impression that she could send you pics! I called her up that day and told her “Woman to Woman, I want you to please not call my husband anymore. And if he calls you, I want you to not talk with him.” Looking back, I was way kind. The call was made before any real talk had taken place between my husband and I. I don’t regret calling her.

    There has been no contact between them since their “good-bye” calls that night/following morning. I hold most of the “blame” on my husband. He is the one that broke commitments to me and our marriage. He is the one that broke my heart and made the choices to reach outside our marriage for attention and affection.

    I did send OP’s husband a FB message telling him about the EA, since I heard that they were getting a divorce. Revenge? Perhaps. If I could help him in anyway with that information, then I wanted him to know about it. I don’t regret telling him, he had a right to know.

    However, when my husband found out about me telling the OP’s husband, he was very afraid for his life, our family’s safety, for legal ramifications of the husband finding out. I had never considered any of that. It was sad to see my husband so afraid for his own safety (and ours.) It made be want to yell – THIS IS A CONSEQUENCE OF YOUR BEHAVIOR!!! Maybe you shouldn’t have messed with this guy’s wife! He was very upset that I told her husband. He wanted them to be strangers to us…funny, how he invited her into our lives…

    Anyways, we are mending and healing. 3 months from D-Day today.

  13. mil September 28, 2011 at 7:05 pm #

    I contacted her and it stopped at that very moment. I wish to god I’d done it when i found out the first time but my H said I might ‘regret it’. Hmmmmm wonder why? I wish to god I’d let her H know what the b**ch had been up to. She said she’d tell him everything but no doubt she only told him what she wanted him to hear. I’d LOVE her to get her come uppance.

  14. melissa September 29, 2011 at 7:56 am #

    I called her in front of my husband shortly after D-day and asked her if she was ‘the woman who’s having an affair with a married man’. She pleaded ignorance but admitted they’d never had sex but that he was ‘a mentor’ to her and a ‘friend’. She also admitted that she was aware he hadn’t told me about their meetings etc.

    I then emailed her and told her that as far as I was concerned, they had been having an emotional affair and that contact should stop. She replied ‘ok’. But it wasn’t OK as a few months later, it all started again. She called him asking for help with her career and he was only too eager to ‘help’ again. He lied again, called her from a public phone box with his credit card, called her everal times when I was out and arranged to meet her at an industry event. When I found out, I went ballistic. Not only had he lied to me again but he’d followed exactly the same pattern as before and tried to justify it (again!) as being an innocent response to her request for help. Ifelt we had made no progress at all in those hard, tough months when I was trying to rebuild trust. As far as I was concerned, they were both liars and cheats and he had broken his promise not to contact her. Breaking his promise was the hardest thing – if he’d told me about her calls and how he’d reacted, I might have disagreed with his course of action but I would have felt he was making progress and being transparent. This would have helped heal our marriage so much faster.

    I called her again and she confirmed they’d met at the exhibition (he hadn’t told me that at the time). She threatened to call the police and have me arrested for ‘harrassment’. S he said she was ‘being kind’ to me as she obviously could have told me a lot of things my H had said to her about me, which I guess weren’t very nice. She told me I was ‘disrespecting’ her (ha!). I just laughed and told her to f** off (sorry). But it just broke my heart. Despite the fact things are a lot better, I still don’t trust him and I go into despair when I think of what he might have told her about me. The thoughts of him seeing her and lying to me over YEARS (not months) makes me sick, still. I am forever on the lookout for signs that he’s ‘doing it again’ (I do realise I am behaving in a very paranoid way at times) and it’s rare when I can truly relax.

    What is clear from the confrontation, though, is that the relationship was pretty much one sided. She wanted something from him and wasn’t above being a pr** teaser to get it but there was no way she was ‘in love’ with him. He was ‘in the fog’ and incapable of voicing whatever his problems were at the time so an EA was a great way to avoid taking a long hard look at himself, his relationship with his children and our marriage and re-connecting with me. I’m not condoning his actions because I do believe we are responsible for the way we behave and he behaved in a despicable way – twice (that I know). I don’t regret confronting her but I wish I could stop obsessing about what happened and be able to move on more quickly and find true happiness again.

  15. Dawn September 30, 2011 at 4:04 pm #

    I would recommend not contacting the OW. I had phone records, voice recordings etc. as proof of the emotional affair. There was no question that it was occurring and I had proof. Initially I sent a very nice text requesting that she stop contact with my husband as we have a young family and she was breaking up our family. She ignored it. After more months of contact between her and my husband, I sent her a message saying that if she did not stop seeing my husband I would tell her husband. I also told her I would like to meet with her after work to discuss the situation one day. What happened was, in anticipation of me contacting her husband she made up a huge story that we were going through a divorce, I was looking for a huge child support, I had psychological problems etc. My husband was just a friend she was helping out of a bad situation. None of it could be further from the truth, I have an excellent job, If my marriage ended I would not have any money problems and I have never had any psychological problems and in fact assist people with theirs. Also my husband never had ever mentioned he wanted a divorce and was working on talking ME out of it. She also told her husband that I was following her – not true. And she feared for her and her daughter. So much so that when I did contact her husband saying just to let you know your wife and my husband are in an inappropriate relationship, and people at their work are becoming aware (all 3 of them work at the same company)and it needs to stop. He responded saying I had psychological problems and was looking for child support etc. etc. I was totally blindsided. Essentially I, the victim, was turned into a monster, and her the victim, very clever actually, if you have no conscience. They also went so far as to say they were getting a restraining order against me and telling my husband that she had requested the police not come to my door so as they do not frighten my 3 little boys. How thoughtful and kind of her. So, think very seriously about how bad things can go, this may seem way out there, but not everyone in this world has the same sense of what is right and some people will do anything at the expense of anyone else (even the person that they are doing wrong by) to make themselves look like the better person. This made a very devastating time even more devastating, nothing good came of it, nothing.

    • Notoverit October 2, 2011 at 10:12 am #

      Hey Dawn. You sound like you are dealing with the same personality type as I am – BPD or Narcissistic Personality disorder – as I am with the OW. My OW made up texts and stated that I was following her. My reaction was to hire a PI to independently verify what she is/was doing. I have decided that if she pokes her head out of her hole again, I will have the PI go talk to her husband. The same could be used in court to get a restraining order on her.

      Did your OW ever get a restraining order? If not, then a PI could take all of your proof (the recordings especially) to her husband if she is still trying to contact your husband. I am in a quandary of not wanting to stir things up with this crazy but I am so tired of all her shenanigans. I would assume you are like me – all I want is for the OW woman to stop and leave us alone. Just wondering…

      • Dawn October 3, 2011 at 1:02 am #

        Hi,

        In response to your questions, my husband and the OW are no longer in contact. Even though it has been two years and my husband has been nothing but truly wonderful, you better believe I still check phone records and do random recordings. It is for my own sanity I think. I do not do it that often, just enough for me.
        The restraining order was a part of her lies and It was suggested to me that I should get one on her, but her and her husband seemed so crazy and destructive I just wanted nothing more to do with them at that time when I was so emotionally fragile due to the affair. I do look back and wish so bad that I had responded to the husband with the proof/recordings and dates, but at the time his e-mail was so threatening it freaked me out. Now even though it would make me feel great to send off the proof, and of course I have went through a perfect response to his e-mail a thousand times over the last 2 years, I missed my opportunity. Saying that though, of course I have kept all the evidence, just in case, someday these people pop back into our lives.
        If I could do it over again, I would never have warned the OW I was going to talk to her husband. I would have just sent him the proof. I think you were very smart to get a PI. I know how crazy and out of control my life was when my husband kept seeing the OW and I could not stop it. I would absolutely send the PI to the husband to give him the proof, but not tell him who sent it. I just would not contact the OW at all. I will warn you though, these women are very good at making themselves look like the victim, she will also try to use this against you with your husband, there is a possibility that this would make things more difficult between you and your husband depending where he is with his relationship with her. He will probably feel you have wronged her, crazy as that sounds.

  16. Norwegian woman October 2, 2011 at 4:58 am #

    I have questions, and I would hope for either Dougs response or a CS response to this.
    We are one year out of D-day 2 (two different women over a two year period). It has been a struggle because my husband chose to lie, hide the truth and accuse me of being paranoid, when it has showed that I was right all along, time and time again.
    He says that he has learned and will never ever do something like that again (He also said that after his first EA was discovered, while he still was in contact with his first AP that I at that point did not know about)
    Of course, I have a big issue with trust, and my gut feeling tells me that I have to be aware and alert.
    I have access to his facebook and e-mail, and I check them regularly.
    He was on a high-school reunion this summer, and after that he sent a friends request to a woman. He had talked with her at the reunion, but they have never had any relation to each other before, other that she is the daughter of my former boss, and we met at christmas parties and so. I reacted on the request and told him. He did not understand why. He had sent other requests, but they were to people he used to be friends with in his youth or have worked with. He did nothing about it, and they are still “friends” at facebook. I can not find any other interaction than a congratulation message on the message board to each other.
    Then I found out, on my own facebook about the function “seek”. If I for ex writes an A there, all of my friends that begin with A and I have been interacting with, or profiles to persons that I have recently been looking at beginning with A, automatically comes up as suggestions.
    I found of course this woman (and some other women) at the top of suggestions. As I understand, no one of theese persons will come up as suggestion if he never has been on their profile, looked at their pictures and so. I have tried several times at my own page and the same resault comes up. The persons I most recently have been on, pops up as suggestions.
    I wrote down over a period who was on a, b, c and so. So it was easy to see what profiles he has been looking at.
    I confronted him with this, and he went into a rage. He of course denied that he has been on these womens profiles, and that he did not know how they were on the top of the search list. He threathened to close down his facebook page, deny me access, change passwords and so on. And he hasn`t spoken to me since.
    I recognize this behaviour from the time his affairs was revealed. If he really had understood that I struggle with the trust issue, and he has known all along that I regularly check his pages, he would have tried to help me overcome the trust-issue. Instead he tells me I am stupid and that he is tired of being controlled and checked all the time and throws a fit.
    As a resault I feel that I have hit the nail on the head. Instead of admitting to looking at these womens profiles regularly and tell me why (if it is so innocent), he tries to make me believe that it works differently on his facebookpage, and that I am loosing it and making his life a living hell.
    I know he has been fooling me before this way, and I struggle very hard to believe him.
    What do you people out there think? Am I paranoid or is his behaviour a sign that he knows that he is doing exactly what he promised me not to do, all over again. Protecting himself and attacking me.
    I need some other wiews.

    • Doug October 2, 2011 at 6:55 pm #

      Norwegian woman, my thought is if he is being completely transparent and has nothing to hide then he would not act angry or accuse you of being paranoid or crazy. He would understand and accept your anxiety concerning the situation and do what he can to make your feel safe and secure. I am sure you had witnessed the same behavior when he was involved in his affair, as most of us had experienced. Doug made me believe that I was crazy for not trusting him, would become angry, and then turn around and text and call her. Trust your instincts, but try not to bring it up too often, sit back and gather all the information you need before you confront him about his behavior. Linda

      • Norwegian woman October 3, 2011 at 1:27 am #

        Thank you Linda. Exactly my thoughts too, the one about if he really had nothing to hide he would not act angry, but try to reassure me that there is nothing to fear. But yes, I do recognize his behaviour from before. And then he really had a lot to hide, combined with the sad fact that I have to live with: There is no boundaries for how far he is willing to go to save his own ass. I don`t think that he can afford to be overprotective about his ego and throw a fit. He KNOWS i am checking regularly. He KNOWS that my mind searches for proof for my fears. I have not hidden my motivation and actions, so it should not be a shock that I bring up things when I am insecure.

        • ifeelsodumb October 13, 2011 at 11:39 pm #

          I agree with Linda…he is hiding something. A man who has no secrets has nothing to hide….and the anger, that’s another sign…been there done that with my H….so sorry you are going through this, NW… :'(

  17. aaron October 4, 2011 at 11:38 am #

    Without going into too much background, my wife and I have been married for 27 years. It hasn’t always been the easiest of marriages (on either side), but I believed that we loved each other and we have two wonderful daughters on whom we both dote. On July 26 of this year I came home to find my wife’s email open on the office computer. She had been in a rush to leave the house for a meeting that evening. I normally don’t snoop. I have always respected her privacy and tried to give her space. I knew she spent a lot of time on Facebook, catching up mostly with family and old friends. I also knew that she had kept in touch with a couple of old boyfriends—guys with whom she had shared a lot of history before our relationship started.

    I decided to search her account for emails to/from both of these guys. In one case I found a handful of messages. Most were chatty and a wee bit nostalgic, but nothing too threatening. When searching the other guy’s name, however, I found about 150 different conversations, some containing several emails in exchange, dating back to 2007. The most recent message had been about four months earlier and it did not seem overtly inappropriate. Yet, I came across exchanges from February that referenced their disappointment at not having “consummated” their relationship at the “hotel.” That exchange was followed by messages from her to him a couple weeks later saying how she was driving to work and the song “I Need You Now” came on the radio and she thought of him the rest of the way in to work.

    I then went back and read as many messages as I could, forwarding some of the most offensive ones to my email as evidence and for later review to see if I had misunderstood. When I got to the end of the list, in 2007, it was clear that the communication predated those messages. That evening I confronted her about it. She said she was sorry that I got hurt, but then talked about how frustrated she was with our relationship—essentially saying it was my fault. We stayed up very late talking that evening and she answered many of my questions, but each answer seemed to create more questions from me. Several hours and three Martinis later we were both exhausted and she was drunk, so I helped her into our bed. I couldn’t sleep so I went into the kitchen with her laptop and loaded spyware on her computer. I just had to know the extent of her contact with him and when/how it started. Within a couple of days I had passwords to her email accounts and her Facebook account. What I saw sickened and saddened me.

    Her contact with him had actually slowed down quite a bit after 2007, but it never completely stopped. I learned that he found her on the Internet in November 2005 and that they had started their exchange then. The earliest email messages I could find, however, were from April, 2006. From April, 2006 to October, 2007 there were well over 500 exchanges, many containing multiple messages. There were also several phone calls, which she made when she left the house under the pretense of going to her office across town to “work.”

    I then discovered that she had created a special email account for communicating with him—one that I didn’t even know existed. Many of the messages I was reading had been pasted from that account. The pasting made it difficult to follow the discussion thread as many of his emails were missing, but I was able to follow the arc of their contact, including the build-up to and aftermath of a visit that occurred in July, 2006. Apparently he was driving through town after dropping his wife off at the airport (he lives about 300 miles away). She came to see him at his hotel room and then they spent much of the day driving around town, her showing him the sights. They both referred to “respecting physical boundaries” which means that they kissed and held each other passionately, but did not have intercourse (something my wife points to as evidence that the situation wasn’t as bad as it could have been; as if they were noble in their restraint). The emails following the visit were full of “I miss yous” and “the next time we meet, etc.” They both expressed regret at having respected the boundaries—a theme that was also part of the February, 2011 exchange.

    She and I have agreed to work on our marriage, but I am not sure what to feel. I’ve lost 30 pounds (and am actually taking better care of my health, exercising more, eating better, drinking less. My doctor is very happy with my physical transformation and took me off my BP meds. I did see a counselor for a few visits through work, but have not been back to one since August. At the same time I am dealing with my relationship my work is becoming unbearable with a new boss set to arrive. I feel as though hardly any aspect of my life is giving me pleasure. She and I have made progress in our relationship in the past two months and I believe she has not had contact with the OM since before I discovered their EA, yet I remain full of so many questions based on the emails I read.

    She knows I have seen the emails and tells me I shouldn’t read them—implying that I am being unfair to her. Her position is that if she had engaged in a “real” (her word) affair, that I wouldn’t have recordings of their conversations. I maintained that I needed to see the exchanges to understand what this EA really was and put it into the context of our marriage and lives at the time. I needed to see how she referred to our relationship, how she felt about him, and then I could decide if we could recover from the EA.

    She believes that we just need to bury the past and focus on the future. I agree with the latter, but I can’t stop thinking of what happened and how blind I was to it all. I acknowledged my contribution to the state our relationship was in and I have been working hard to re-commit to her and our girls. She recognizes the effort I am making, being more attentive at home, being less distracted by work and other things. But I am not sure what she is doing other than not contacting him, to help make things better. We have shared some get-away time together and have planned some activities that we will both enjoy, but I am worried that it won’t be enough to sustain us into the future. She is readily going along and seems happy, but so far I seem to be driving all of the changes. I know that’s not entirely true, but I do feel like I am taking more ownership of our new relationship than she is. Am I wrong to feel like it should be the other way around?

    There is a lot more to the story, but two months out things are better. I am less anxious, but my confidence is shattered and I go through periods each day when I feel like I am going to burst with sadness or with sheer anger—mainly felt toward her. Many times I want to tell her I am leaving and I might have done that if it weren’t for our youngest, still in Jr. high. Our break up would literally devastate her. I love my wife and want to believe that we can make things work, but I am increasingly feeling like I need to move on. Not solely because of this EA, but more because of how it fits into the context of our nearly three-decade relationship. Is it too early for me to be able to make this kind of assessment? How much time after D day should I allow our new relationship?

    There is a lot more I could say, and want to say, but I think I’ve written enough for now.

    • Healing Mark October 4, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

      I don’t think that anyone can give you a period of time to “allow” for your “new relationship”. I can say that 2 months is not nearly long enough if, in fact, things appear to be improving. There is hope, but if your wife is not genuinely sorry for what she has done, your road to recovery will be, in my opinion, a rocky one at best. Good luck and utilize the many resources that are out “there” to help you process what has happened to you and your family and hopefully to put this behind you and move forward either with or without your wife. I am also a big fan of individual and joint marriage counselling (i.e., the individual counselling sessions, while in part designed to address personal issues, are designed to further goals being set in joint marriage counselling sessions), so if you and your wife have not tried this, I suggest that you do so.

  18. aaron October 4, 2011 at 1:33 pm #

    I need to add that next week I have a business meeting in the OM’s city. I am considering stopping by his place of work to introduce myself. He and I have known of each other for more than 28 years but have never met. I have had thoughts of punching him in the face when I see him, but realize I would never act on that. I also don’t want my wife to know that I am contacting him. I am in a quandary becasue I see that as adding my dishonesty to hers.

    What would I say to this guy? I am not sure. Maybe I just want to put a person with the image I have of him from many pictures, letters, and emails I have seen. Maybe I want him to see the real me and know that there are always multiple perspectives to what happens in a marriage. Part of me just wants him to know that I am out there watching him. Part of me wants to threaten his marriage by exposing him to his wife. And part of me wants him to understand the heartache he and my wife have caused me. I think it could be civil, maybe even cathartic, to speak with him.

    Am I deluding myself?

    • aaron October 11, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

      Okay. I did it. I met the OM today. I went to where he worked and they paged him to come to the reception desk. I introduced myself. He didn’t know who I was by sight or name. I then told him my wife was S****. He still didn’t put it together because she and I have different last names. When I told him her full name, he said “holy sh*t!” I then told him I wanted to speak with him privately. We went to his office and he invited me to take a seat. I thought briefly about not sitting down but realized that my standing might be seen as a threat.

      I told him three things.

      1. I knew everything and had for several months. My wife knew I knew and that we were working on our marriage. I wanted him to not contact her again. He replied that they hadn’t been in contact in months, which corroborated what she had told me.

      2. It was clear they had the opportunity to turn this into a physical affair, but they did not out of respect for each others’ marriage and I appreciated their “nobility” in letting things progress further. I said that surely he understood the ups and downs that can occur in a 28-year relationship and we are all vulnerable to these kinds of entanglements. He nodded and seemed somewhat embarrassed at my acknowledgement of their restraint.

      3. S**** didn’t know of this meeting and I didn’t want her to find out from him. I didn’t want him to be threatened by me or by what I knew, but that if he continued contacting my wife I would expose everything to his wife. He responded that his wife knew of their correspondence (which was clear from what he had written in several messages), yet I said she didn’t know the exact nature or extent of his communication with my wife (also something he admitted in writing) and she would be hurt if she saw everything I had seen. I said I had copies that I wouldn’t be afraid to use if it came to that. He seemed to understand.

      I then told him that I had considered punching him in the face as my form of greeting but I resisted the temptation. He seemed to understand what I was saying and said he was glad I didn’t punch him. We left it at that and then he opened the door and I walked out without looking back.

      This happened about an hour and a half ago. As soon as I got in my car I felt the weight lift from my shoulders and I honestly felt like I had regained some of my dignity and self-respect. I may feel differently tomorrow and it remains to be seen what will happen if my wife does find out, but for now I am glad I confronted this “ghost” who had haunted me for the better part of three decades.

      I can’t say that someone else should follow my example, but for me, this meeting may very well be the best thing I could have done to put the past behind me so that I can focus on the future with my wife and family. I don’t know if I will tell her about the meeting or not. I don’t want to deceive her, yet I felt that what I did, I did for me and me alone; not for her. (I know, that seems like a CS’s rationalization, but I think I will need to let some time and distance settle in before I tell her.)

      My heart goes out to everyone who is experiencing the pain and anguish I’ve been feeling. I hope you all are able to move on and put your situations behind you–no matter what outcome you decide to pursue.

      • Paula October 16, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

        aaron, I think that is so cool! I am so glad you felt better. It sounded like the kind of meeting I “fantasized” about with our OW, my old friend. She just wouldn’t do me the honour. I never wanted to be a bitch, just talk, share some stuff, calmly, and matter-of-fact. She won’t allow it, and she doesn’t want to understand any of my pain or acknowledge me. I tried emailing her to set up a meeting, my OH tried to talk her into talking to me, I even arrived at her door one day, bearing flowers and brownies, no less, to show her I wasn’t threatening, I did understand that it would look a little stalkerish! and she slammed door and locked it, and then issued me with a (fake) restraining order, I finally got the message, she won’t talk, because that would be acknowledging that she did something wrong, and she NEVER admits that, about anything. In her opinion, I was in the wrong, because if I had been doing my “job” properly, he wouldn’t have been available to her, see, all MY fault, not theirs, they were just the innocent parties acting on what was inevitable because of MY poor performance, ugggh! She is single, so I have no “leverage” to use regarding exposing her to a husband, etc. I’m so pleased for you, and I hope you continued to feel this good in the days following.

      • ifeelsodumb October 17, 2011 at 12:10 am #

        BRAVO BRAVO!!! Good for you!! If the OW didn’t live several hundred miles away, I’d do the same thing!!

        • aaron October 25, 2011 at 12:39 pm #

          Sorry for taking so long to get back on this topic. Two weeks later and I still feel like meeting him was a very important piece of my post-EA recovery. Though I am still coming to grips with how my wife so easily got sucked into the EA and am hurt by many of the messages I’ve read (expressing the desire to be “with” him in every sense of “with.” and how she has never had this type of physical desire for a man…which, I assume, includes me, etc.

          She and I had a rather painful discussion just yesterday morning. Though I believe their contact ended months before i found out about the 5-1/2 year EA, I still am not sure WHY or HOW it ended. She is either evasive of is being honest in that it simply dissipated.

          From what I’ve seen the end likely included a phone call or series of phone calls on and around April 9. After that there appears to be only one text message sent from her to him in early May and the wall posts in Facebook that I saw in July. I am torn because I want to believe what she is telling me, but some of the facts don’t add up–especially given the intensity and duration of their EA over that period.

          She says she wants to move forward and I do, too, but I feel like she doesn’t seem to have “enough” guilt over what she did. Every time I bring it up it becomes a chance for her to tell me how terrible she felt about us, herself, her life, etc., and that I should be grateful it wasn’t a physical affair.

          Overall, things are better between us and I think my having met him has given me greater confidence. I just don’t know if I should let “sleeping dogs lie” and not bring up what happened, or if I should continue discussing it until I feel like I have a “satisfactory” answer from her. She says she loves me and that she was just swept up into the EA with him. She wants me to quit reading and to delete all of the copies of emails I have seen because going back to them just hurts our progress. Is she right? Am I obsessing too much over things she wrote to another man more than five years ago in some cases? Or am I being naive to think she is telling me this so that I will quit bringing things up–which make her feel guilty?

          • Melvin October 25, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

            Tough call here on whether to probe further or let sleeping dogs lie, as you put it.

            For me, DW gave me the same response. Right after the EA, she just wanted to bury all of it and not discuss it further. Mostly because it made her feel bad. And she has a problem with accepting blame. I suspect your DW has the same feelings. Why dwell on the negative?

            For me, I needed to know more in order to “close the book” so I pressed on. You seem to be struggling with that decision as well. It was painful for both of us to go further. I used many tips here on how to approach her and good advice from my marriage councilor. The final piece that really opened her up was this short book: “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: a compact manual for the unfaithful” by Linda J. MacDonald. Amazon has it. It is written as a guidebook for the CS to help repair a damaged marriage due to their infidelity.

            Get a copy – it’s cheap. Read it and then decide if you want DW to read it in private before discussing.

            BTW, I never met with the OM after the EA. Didn’t have to – I met him many years ago through DW. We shared small talk and I drew my own conclusions on the man (not very positive). Recovery for me was our heart-to-heart talks on weekend mornings, spending more time with each other (including freeing up my schedule to give her more quality time), the manual and NC.

          • aaron October 25, 2011 at 6:31 pm #

            Thanks, Melvin. I will definitely check out the book. So how long did it take for you to feel like you had finally moved on from your wife’s EA?

  19. Rushan October 5, 2011 at 10:43 am #

    I’ve not written something for a long time but today I feel I can again write something. Everything’s going fine in my marriage but there is still the times that I feel I do not trust my H. We moved to another town where the OW was still living and we’ve seen her again. that was very hard for me but I decided not to let it hurt me again. She left the town now and is living with another man so maybe it is really over now. After all that I’ve send her an e-mail telling her how I felt and what I thought about it and what my H told me about everything. Since then I’ve not had an answer to her e-mail but she now sends me e-mails about friendship and sends me invites on fb to play with her some games and things. A few days ago she sent me an e-mail to tell me she would like to be my friend. Now I am not sure what to do. My H tells he loves me more and more everyday, he doesn’t love her and it was just a big mistake he made, but I don’t know what to do about it all. It’s so confusing.

  20. Norwegian woman October 5, 2011 at 12:05 pm #

    He did it because it felt good. He felt like a king on top of the world. A wife, two lovely kids, a nice home, a good job and on top of that : A woman that thought he was the most wonderful man in the world.
    He did it because his character. He has mainly one focus, himself.
    He did it because oportunity came knocking. Both women took the initiative, and that made him feel desired.
    He CREATED problems in the marriage.
    I really don`t think that his concience was a big problem. His only concern was to get caught, because he knew all hell would break loose. But he put all his money on his ability to keep it hidden.

  21. Cautious October 9, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    The growing list of suspicious behaviors led me to D-Day, 2 1/2 years ago, when I found his “bat phone”, a separate phone that she had given him so that they could communicate with each other without raising any red flags with me (I had already noticed the 300 minutes to/from her the previous month). I found it in his overcoat pocket while he was in the shower. It had only her number as a contact and several texts of an intimate nature from her.

    I decided to text her from that phone. I didn’t want to come off so aggressive that she could dismiss me as a nut-case, so I restrained myself from calling her any names. I simply said, “I love my husband and our family needs him. Please back off.”

    Perhaps it wasn’t the strongest thing I could have said, but it certainly freaked her out, if only for a few days. It was the beginning of the end for their relationship, though it took months to end completely.

    The worst part was his anger at me for sending it. She was in the middle of a divorce (he was her attorney and she was a co-worker at his firm) and he told me that if her soon-to-be ex husband got the message, she could lose custody of her kids, and how could I be so inconsiderate? Say what??? I was inconsiderate???? I was so upset at the time, I didn’t think it through, but later I realized that a) unless the ex got his hands on her phone before she deleted the message, there was no way he would see it (he had moved out several months earlier); b) it wasn’t half as damaging as some of the stuff they had texted to each other (definitely not business!); and c) it wouldn’t have made any difference, as he was already seeing someone else, too and we are a no-fault state. I started counseling that day, he the next.

    I have had many “conversations” with her, in my journal and in my head about what I would say if I ever came face to face with her. These were a way to vent the anger I had at her and say all the bitchy, demeaning things that I knew I couldn’t say to her directly. I know that if I had confronted her, especially early on before I had all the details, I would have looked desperate and pathetic. I also came to recognize that my H was just as much, if not more at fault and that she was just a convenient scapegoat. In the end, she made herself into the desperate and pathetic one, as she continued to chase him for more than a year after he told her it was over. By the way, she was fired 2 months after D-Day so she was no longer a daily presence in his life, and she lived 40 minutes away from us.

    So, these many months later, she is now recently married to someone else (the guy she started seeing to make my husband jealous so he would come back to her). My husband has been upfront about any contact with her, which hasn’t been for months now. It has been a long road to rebuilding trust, but we are stronger now than before, so it does get better!

  22. Roller coaster rider October 23, 2011 at 8:12 pm #

    Well, despite the fact that my (ex) H and I are divorcing, I decided to talk to the OW today…wasn’t sure she would be working, and actually prayed it wouldn’t happen if it wasn’t a good idea. The way it worked out, I know for sure it was supposed to be. Didn’t say much, just told her who I was and asked her how she was doing and how she felt about what she and ex had done. The answer to both questions: pretty crappy. She also said she loves him more than anyone on earth, and he loves her, too. When I asked her why she loves him so much, she said, “when you’re in love, you just know it.”She actually looked pretty bad. How do I feel now? Um, ask me tomorrow.

  23. Roller coaster rider October 24, 2011 at 5:15 pm #

    My daughter’s boyfriend said last night, “Maybe you confronted her for closure,” and I think that’s really true.

  24. Paula October 25, 2011 at 2:51 am #

    Wow, RCR, that must have hurt, but maybe your daughter’s boyfriend is right, all part of the “letting go” process. Remind me again about OW, is she a co-worker of your ex’s? Very brave though, wish I could give you a hug!

  25. Roller coaster rider October 25, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

    They have known each other in professional contexts for years but relationship became an affair a year ago when she was in need of help, I was out of country (although in daily contact with H) and a combination of his bad mindset and her overt sexual aggressiveness led to Ta da! Well, guess what?

  26. Melvin October 26, 2011 at 4:22 pm #

    Aaron:

    It’s been 10 months since D-Day. How long for you ? I won’t say I am fully recovered but I am past the stage of quizzing her about the EA. It took many months for me to finally stop probing. Maybe 6 to 8 ? Not quite sure.
    I put to rest the questioning when she finally apologized sincerely, gave me a promise that she was done with him and showed remorse. Many items I needed to hear from her were outlined in the manual. I tried for several months to express my needs to her but it was like I was talking in gibberish. The manual had the clear words I wanted to say and needed her to hear. Plus, it came from a second trusted source. A higher authority. Someone with experience. I highlighted several items of importance after reading it and had DW read it in full.

    I am at a point now where I am reserved about it but my radar is up. She works in a very social environment and meets all kinds of men. This man, the OW, was her ex-fiance. And he is currently single. She was rekindling an old love affair. Like you, the EA never made it to the PA stage; however she did admit later that it was heading in that direction.

    Ask yourself what answers you really need from her. Write down your questions. Then request she give you some private time to discuss them. Have her set the date/time. I recall a particular one-on-one where we shared a glass of wine and I gave her a short backrub after every 3 questions. I found that if I made her feel comfortable during this time, she became more open/honest.

    Best to both of you in your recovery.

    • aaron October 30, 2011 at 10:33 am #

      Hi Melvin:

      It has been 3 months and 4 days since D-Day.

      • aaron October 30, 2011 at 10:56 am #

        Sorry. Posted before I finished. My situation is a bit different in that it appears the EA had dissipated on its own a few months earlier. In fact, it had really cooled down since about 2007, but it never quite ended. Most of the “steamiest” interactions were in 2006 and 2007, including one visit that did not cross the ultimate line and blossom into a PA. So, for me the two biggest questions have been, How could this have been going on for more than five years without my picking up on it? And, since this is a former boyfriend with whom she had maintained some contact throughout our marriage, What does he mean to her to this day?

        The first question is one that I have been pretty successful in understanding because it was related to my own faults and shortcomings in our marriage. The second one is more difficult because only she can answer it and I don’t know if I can trust that she’s being completely honest with me.

        This week we had what I would consider to be an important break-through. On Friday she sent me a text that she hadn’t slept well the night before because she was troubled by some thoughts and she wanted to talk about them with me. Well, of course my mind raced to all sorts of questions about what she could be thinking that would cause such anxiety. Was she going to tell me she didn’t think it was going to work out with us? Was she going to “fess up” and tell me that the EA had actually been a PA, or that there were other EAs? I was distracted by these thoughts the rest of the day.

        Finally, when I did come home she sat on my lap and said, with teary eyes that she realized how close we had come to losing each other and how scared that made her feel. She didn’t clarify whether she was talking about the EA or my discovery of it and my reaction. Either way, she was acknowledging how much she loved me and wanted to make things work with us.

        I think a big part of her awareness is related to things I have done to work on myself post-D-day. On one level I think she has appreciated the things I have done to be a more connected husband and father. On another level, I think she has realized that she could lose me. I think my confidence boost following my meeting with the OM has contributed as well.

        So, while I realize we are still in the early stages of our recovery, this week’s talk was a very encouraging sign. Thanks for caring and sharing.

        • Melvin October 31, 2011 at 1:42 pm #

          Well Done Aaron. Glad to see she is opening up to you.

          You said “And, since this is a former boyfriend with whom she had maintained some contact throughout our marriage, What does he mean to her to this day?”

          Exactly. That was the one question that I struggled with for months. Like you, this guy was an ex with whom she had very strong feelings for. I would ask her, “I know how he made you feel but what were your feelings towards him – then and now ?” It wasn’t until I got this answered that I finally was able to move forward towards repair. Until that time, I had no clue if we were going to continue as a couple. I basically told her that if she could not communicate her feelings, then she should write them down. I didn’t press her any further. It took about a week. One night, while I was out with our daughter, she texted me and said I have your answer when you come home. Although I was a bit un-nerved with her reply, at least I had my answer in clear words.

          Sounds like you gave her room and a comfortable space in which for her to open up. That’s key – my counselor reiterated that. I made sure during our conversations to let her talk and to listen intently without too much banter. Also, like you, I made a conscientious effort to change the bad habits I had fallen into. I gave up commitments to free up more time for us. She has taken notice. It sounds like you are on the right track with positive change as well.

          In the end, all we BS’s can do is be the best person to our mates and hope that they recognize the change, decide to stay with us and be faithful. I know, easier said that done.

          Best always to you both.

  27. THE OTHER WOMAN October 27, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

    THE OTHER WOMAN

    Hello Folks,

    I thought I would share my story as someone who has been “the other woman” in this situation. I have a friend whom I have known for about a year. Last summer we both found ourselves developing a mutual attraction. Before either of us acted upon this or even discussed it openly between us, we each decided independently to make our spouses aware of the situation. Their reactions couldn’t have been more different. My husband was very understanding and his only qualifier was that if it ever turned physical, he would like to be informed so that we could make separate sleeping arrangements. We have each experienced similar situations over the years and never once has it led to physical intimacy with another person.

    My friend’s wife on the other hand decided that direct intervention was the best approach. She first wrote me a letter which was formulated like an interrogation into the nature of my interactions and my feelings towards her husband. Even though we both reassured her that there had been no physical intimacy between us, she wrote back soon afterwards declaring that we were having an emotional affair and that we needed to cease all contact immediately “for an indefinite period of time”. Although I knew her approach was doomed for failure, I went along with it out of respect or my friend who went along with it out of love for his wife. It was a very painful time for me and I went though a grieving process since I did not know how long the “indefinite period” would last or if I would ever see him again.

    After a month and a half, he sent me an email asking how I was doing and letting me know he was having a hard time breaking out of his “cage”. Since I truly love this person and wish for his happiness, I responded by recommending some books which have been helpful in my own marriage. Not surprisingly, since she has been “supervising” his email for a while now, it was his wife who responded and proceeded to interrogate me once again and to question me about the books. She was quick to identify flaws in her husband based on what she read but had a very hard time seeing that she herself my have any issues to work on. Two weeks later, he dropped by and told me he had left her. He did not leave her for me, he left her for his own emotional health. It is clear that our relationship will continue as a friendship and that our friendship could have coexisted peacefully with his relationship to his wife. It is sad that her jealousy and possessiveness have essentially killed her marriage.

    • Still hurting October 27, 2011 at 2:00 pm #

      Dear The Other Woman,

      First let me say it took a great deal of guts to post your comments on this site. As a BS, I learn from the handful of cheaters who do post. And I am assuming that you are expecting people to respond to your post, so I will not disappoint.

      Based on your initial comments about your own marriage, it seems you and your spouse have a somewhat open marriage that allows for dalliances or cheating. However, you have no right to apply the loose laws of your marriage to someone’s else’s marriage. As a BS, I can assure you an EA is just as damaging as a PA.

      The wife of your friend had every right to “interrogate” you about your intentions with her husband. And since you indicated there was a physical & emotional attraction between you and her husband, you can hardly define it as a mere “friendship.” You chose to insert yourself into their marriage and have no right to judge his wife for confronting you or “not identifying her own issues.” You were not their marriage counselor, you are/were an interloper. To deny that you were not after her husband is to be ignorant of your own motives.

      Please do all women a favor, and stay away from married men. There are plenty of unattached men whom you can court and play games with. Please don’t intentionally hurt another woman by choosing to get involved with a married man again.

    • Paula October 27, 2011 at 9:40 pm #

      TOW, I disagree with IFSD and still hurting, I think you handled things fairly well, recognising the EA and halting it. I don’t take your H’s response as a green light at all, or that he wants/condones an open marriage. The only thing you may have missed, and I didn’t believe until this happened to me, is that the “indefinite period of time” is forever. You have lost this person in your life forever, if you want to stay married. I didn’t know that until my OH cheated (both EA and PA) with my friend. Also, some people use connections with other people (or EAs/PAs) sub-consciously to escape an unhappy marriage, and this may be the case with your affair partner

    • aaron October 30, 2011 at 10:31 am #

      Dear “Other Woman”

      I agree with those who commend you for recognizing where your relationship with the OM was headed and for trying to be respectful of both marriages. As a BS myself, I understand his wife’s reaction. She is terribly threatened by your involvement with her husband. You believe that threat is unwarranted, but I would guess the only knowledge you have of that relationship is through the filtered information shared by the OM. It is nigh on impossible for an outsider to understand the condition of a marital relationship.

      A friendship between two married people that includes a “mutual attraction” would threaten most spouses and understandably so. Your husband’s reaction is curious unless, as others have suggested, you and he have more of an open relationship. That is your business. But, that doesn’t mean the OM’s wife should have similar acceptance of what has been developing between the two of you.

      Like others have suggested, I think you need to leave this guy alone to work things out with his wife. It sounds like they have some things to work on and potentially some decisions to make. If the outcome is that he becomes more available to engage in the kind of relationship you seek and your husband is still accommodating, then you will be able to act on it. If the outcome is different then you need to move on.

      I wish you and everyone involved all the best.

  28. ifeelsodumb October 27, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

    The Other Woman,
    I have to believe that if YOU were not in the picture at all, with your “mutual attraction” then in all probability, this marriage would still be together.
    You see, I have found over the last several months, that when you are in “the EA fog” you really don’t think of anyone but yourself!
    Nothing your spouse does is right, you take a little minor disagreement and blow it all out of proportion…and I’m sure if we could talk to your “friends” wife, she’d tell us that that is what happened to her and her husband!
    And as you even pointed out ” Although I knew her approach was doomed for failure, I went along with it out of respect for my friend who went along with it out of love for his wife. It was a very painful time for me and I went though a grieving process since I did not know how long the “indefinite period” would last or if I would ever see him again.”
    You see, YOU had her H’s attention all on you…he still contacted you via email, came by to let you know that his marriage was over…but YOU had nothing to do with it…riiigghhhttt!!!!!…this marriage never stood a chance since you were in the wings, waiting for him to be freed from his “cage”!! Shame on you!! I can only hope there are no small children involved, since the pain for them is so very terrible!

    If you are so concerned for your “friends” wife, because, to quote you “I went along with it out of respect for my friend who went along with it out of love for his wife”….LOVE FOR HIS WIFE???? Oh please!!! If he really loved her, he would have tried to repair his marriage, instead on complaining to you about her and his “cage”!!!
    Please do tell her about this blog, so she can come on here to find help, healing and people who care! You and your “friend” have done a number on her!!!

    PS..As for your H’s response… I’d worry about that if I were you…that he seemingly doesn’t care that you’d have sex with another man…well, that doesn’t say much for YOUR marriage!

  29. JoAnn October 29, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

    I am new here. It has only been a month that I confronted my husband,, of course even today I get that it was “just friends”. He won’t own up to any wrong doing. And he is still lying to me about it all. Every time I look at the phone records I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t think we will be working through this unless he starts telling the truth. I texted with her and she told me that she is having problems with her husband and when I asked him he said she wasn’t..

  30. ifeelsodumb November 12, 2011 at 1:01 am #

    JoAnn…how are things going now? And ur right, the “we’re just friends” line is a lie…you know and he knows it…hope ur doing better…

  31. cs November 23, 2011 at 11:59 am #

    I didn’t confront the OW, still don’t know if I’d feel better or worse if I did. It’s been 6 weeks since D-Day for me. My H started an EA a year and a half ago with a former flame through FaceBook. He met her for lunch at the beginning, but since she’s out of state it was all daily calls, texts, e-mails. I printed out a copy of the email that I found on D-Day and gave it to him. I made it clear, and had him tell her that I have a copy and may at any minute decide to mail it to her husband (at least the internet was helpful in researching his contact info, although I see FB as the worst thing in the world now). I know she has a history of this with other men, and she and her spouse already divorced and remarried once before my H got involved with her again). Sad thing is, I’ve never been one to threaten and I hate that this has turned me into that!

  32. antiskank July 24, 2015 at 5:07 pm #

    At the beginning I confronted my CH after finding texts to the AP on his cell phone. In typical fashion, he denied everything. I knew something was going on, just wasn’t sure to what extent. It actually took me a few weeks to know it was an emotional affair. 2 months after I discovered the texts, with much prompting from me, he called her and told her that his wife (not he) thought their friendship was not appropriate and that they shouldn’t see each other any more. Her response was that she would see him at work.

    I wan’t about to let that get by so I phoned her while she was at work the following week. I was very polite and civil. I asked her to tell me about her relationship with my husband. She told me they were friends and that she saw him as an older uncle (She is our daughter’s age) she said they hadn’t texted much and there was nothing going on. When I told her I had seen the texts and knew about their trysts at work with her touching him and holding his hand, that didn’t seem like a relationship you would have with an uncle. I said that I felt it was more of a sexual nature and that their coworkers agreed. They were being judged as being in an affair by others at the office and it needed to stop.

    She said she agreed and would not spend any more time with him, calling him or texting him. I believe that she has stuck to that. Although she is a manipulative, sexually provocative tease that goes to great lengths to get the attention of men, I don’t think he meant anything to her. I think the majority of the affair was in his mind.

    One the one hand I am glad I did it but on the other I regret it. It seemed to be at the height of my CH’s infatuation with her when the fantasy was at its peak. Ending it for him so that the door was closed made him upset and angry with me although he never admitted to that. He became very emotionally abusive to me while insisting that he loved me. He would not talk about the affair or anything else. After 2 and a half years, he still had strong feelings for her. I think that if they had ended it at a time when things weren’t so perfect in his warped mind, he could have been over her/it long before.

    Now it’s been over 3 years and although the pain is not as intense and the shock has worn off somewhat, we are far from an ideal situation. He keeps avoiding any discussion of any importance. Won’t talk about the affair, our lives together, our past, our future, his feelings, etc. Due to the constant lies over the past few years, I don’t trust him, I don’t believe him when he says he loves me, all of the horrible things he said about me are still there in my mind. I have told him that we either deal with it now (by this week) or we will be splitting. I can’t live with someone who lies, is untrustworthy and I don’t feel loves me.

    As much as we all have so much in common being the betrayed spouse, we each have a slightly different story and history. There is no one-size-fits-all approach that will work!

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