Comments for Emotional Affair Journey http://www.emotionalaffair.org Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair Fri, 18 May 2012 21:54:21 -0400 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment on What if You Run Into Your Spouse’s Affair Partner? by Teresa http://www.emotionalaffair.org/what-if-you-run-into-your-spouses-affair-partner/#comment-47944 Teresa Fri, 18 May 2012 21:54:21 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6834#comment-47944 Blue...I have talked with and emailed Alone for some months now...she is a sweetheart, and I can assure you she is TRULY remorseful for all the pain she has caused..I'm a BS and I count myself blessed to know Alone...She is not like a lot of OW...she realizes that she messed up, and feels horrible for the OM"s wife...As hard as it is to accept, the OM and OW in SOME cases, really IS a decent person, who just made some bad choices Why is it considered wrong for Alone to say that she feels she is getting "punished" but her AP is not? She has a right to have feelings also, and just because she's the OW, doesn't mean she should have a scarlet letter on her for the rest of her life.. I am proud to say that Alone IS my friend, and I feel blessed to have her in my life! Blue…I have talked with and emailed Alone for some months now…she is a sweetheart, and I can assure you she is TRULY remorseful for all the pain she has caused..I’m a BS and I count myself blessed to know Alone…She is not like a lot of OW…she realizes that she messed up, and feels horrible for the OM”s wife…As hard as it is to accept, the OM and OW in SOME cases, really IS a decent person, who just made some bad choices
Why is it considered wrong for Alone to say that she feels she is getting “punished” but her AP is not? She has a right to have feelings also, and just because she’s the OW, doesn’t mean she should have a scarlet letter on her for the rest of her life..
I am proud to say that Alone IS my friend, and I feel blessed to have her in my life!

]]> Comment on What if You Run Into Your Spouse’s Affair Partner? by Paula http://www.emotionalaffair.org/what-if-you-run-into-your-spouses-affair-partner/#comment-47941 Paula Fri, 18 May 2012 20:29:17 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6834#comment-47941 Blue, I think Alone means that as a woman, we are often judged more harshly than men in cheating situations, and I think you'll also find that she has beaten herself to a pulp about what she allowed to happen. That's her "punishment" - and I believe she feels that the OM has just walked away and got on with his life, whilst she battles the demons, and tries to make her marriage work. A lot of it is self-punishment. Blue, I think Alone means that as a woman, we are often judged more harshly than men in cheating situations, and I think you’ll also find that she has beaten herself to a pulp about what she allowed to happen. That’s her “punishment” – and I believe she feels that the OM has just walked away and got on with his life, whilst she battles the demons, and tries to make her marriage work. A lot of it is self-punishment.

]]> Comment on Infidelity Recovery and the Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Jackie http://www.emotionalaffair.org/infidelity-recovery-and-the-autobiography-in-five-short-chapters/#comment-47939 Jackie Fri, 18 May 2012 20:23:28 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6926#comment-47939 I find this analogy interesting. One reason was when the EA was first revealed, I kept saying that I felt as if my H had thrown both of us into a deep hole, and I didn't want to be there. I definitely felt the feeling that I wanted to climb out of the hole, but felt H needed and wanted to be in the hole. After a while, I felt myself climbing out of the hole, but it felt as if H just liked the safety of the hole. Eventually, I felt I was out of the hole and was trying to throw H a rope but he just didn't want it. He had to find his way out of the hole himself. I guess this is my somewhat parallel analogy to this lovely poem. I find this analogy interesting. One reason was when the EA was first revealed, I kept saying that I felt as if my H had thrown both of us into a deep hole, and I didn’t want to be there. I definitely felt the feeling that I wanted to climb out of the hole, but felt H needed and wanted to be in the hole. After a while, I felt myself climbing out of the hole, but it felt as if H just liked the safety of the hole. Eventually, I felt I was out of the hole and was trying to throw H a rope but he just didn’t want it. He had to find his way out of the hole himself.

I guess this is my somewhat parallel analogy to this lovely poem.

]]> Comment on Infidelity Recovery and the Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Paula http://www.emotionalaffair.org/infidelity-recovery-and-the-autobiography-in-five-short-chapters/#comment-47938 Paula Fri, 18 May 2012 20:23:02 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6926#comment-47938 Well put, Carol. I stayed with my partner for almost three years after Dday, and we had a lot of good times, and we worked our butts off to try to heal from it all. I just found I really struggled with the "everydayness" of what he had created, and the constant mind loop. I still do it, several months after we separated, but at least I'm not involving him in my pain anymore. I am still doing a lot of work on myself, as is he, but my concern is that I will never feel safe in the world again, as there has been a seismic shift in the way I view other people, ALL other people, and I would love to have some of my carefree ways back! That is the problem when the sexual affair is with one of your oldest friends, and they didn't even have the decency to use protection, and you got sick! You can't imagine who you can trust, if not your friends and partner, and the wall stays up, despite my best efforts to knock it down. It is a lonely place, and I don't want to live in my little walled off room forever, lol! That is why I continue to do the work, look for answers and try to implement them. Well put, Carol. I stayed with my partner for almost three years after Dday, and we had a lot of good times, and we worked our butts off to try to heal from it all. I just found I really struggled with the “everydayness” of what he had created, and the constant mind loop. I still do it, several months after we separated, but at least I’m not involving him in my pain anymore. I am still doing a lot of work on myself, as is he, but my concern is that I will never feel safe in the world again, as there has been a seismic shift in the way I view other people, ALL other people, and I would love to have some of my carefree ways back! That is the problem when the sexual affair is with one of your oldest friends, and they didn’t even have the decency to use protection, and you got sick! You can’t imagine who you can trust, if not your friends and partner, and the wall stays up, despite my best efforts to knock it down. It is a lonely place, and I don’t want to live in my little walled off room forever, lol! That is why I continue to do the work, look for answers and try to implement them.

]]> Comment on Infidelity Recovery and the Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by blueskyabove http://www.emotionalaffair.org/infidelity-recovery-and-the-autobiography-in-five-short-chapters/#comment-47936 blueskyabove Fri, 18 May 2012 19:34:03 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6926#comment-47936 Linda, I know it's scary, but the alternative is worse. It's like being buried alive. I'd much rather live life to the maximum, with appreciation for all of it and no regrets, with confidence that I can not only survive whatever comes my way, but I can thrive (really thrive!) in the face of it. That's freedom! I want the freedom to be the absolute best I can be! I want to live life like the incredible poem Doug posted in the forum. Linda,

I know it’s scary, but the alternative is worse. It’s like being buried alive. I’d much rather live life to the maximum, with appreciation for all of it and no regrets, with confidence that I can not only survive whatever comes my way, but I can thrive (really thrive!) in the face of it. That’s freedom! I want the freedom to be the absolute best I can be! I want to live life like the incredible poem Doug posted in the forum.

]]> Comment on What if You Run Into Your Spouse’s Affair Partner? by Blue http://www.emotionalaffair.org/what-if-you-run-into-your-spouses-affair-partner/#comment-47935 Blue Fri, 18 May 2012 19:20:24 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6834#comment-47935 Alone, I didn't mean to make this an unsafe place for you to share your thoughts. I really appreciate your input!!!! I just wondered if you ever thought of the pain your AP's spouse is in (from a CS perspective.) I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt anyone with your EA, you just got caught. We're all anonymous so I thought I'd get a honest answer about how it feels for you. I'm sure it must be hard when a BS from this site starts to questions then takes a poke at you. As a BS I just feel like I've been 'punished' to the core of my soul by my CS actions- not sure if it makes a difference but his turned to a PA with a coworker whom he managed (barf!) Even though my marriage needed work I had just trusted my husband so much. This site is the only place I feel 'safe' I told two friends during panick attacks and caught one having an EA shortly after and the other had already had a PA. I didn't even bother telling my 'wilder' friends. I feel very Alone too! Alone, I didn’t mean to make this an unsafe place for you to share your thoughts. I really appreciate your input!!!! I just wondered if you ever thought of the pain your AP’s spouse is in (from a CS perspective.)

I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt anyone with your EA, you just got caught. We’re all anonymous so I thought I’d get a honest answer about how it feels for you. I’m sure it must be hard when a BS from this site starts to questions then takes a poke at you.

As a BS I just feel like I’ve been ‘punished’ to the core of my soul by my CS actions- not sure if it makes a difference but his turned to a PA with a coworker whom he managed (barf!) Even though my marriage needed work I had just trusted my husband so much.

This site is the only place I feel ‘safe’ I told two friends during panick attacks and caught one having an EA shortly after and the other had already had a PA. I didn’t even bother telling my ‘wilder’ friends. I feel very Alone too!

]]> Comment on Infidelity Recovery and the Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Linda http://www.emotionalaffair.org/infidelity-recovery-and-the-autobiography-in-five-short-chapters/#comment-47932 Linda Fri, 18 May 2012 18:55:16 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6926#comment-47932 Blue Sky Above, you are so correct, I also was never a "look at me" kind of person, I also try to shy away from this kind of person. I am one to somewhat slip into the crowd and observe, finding meaning in my surroundings. After I found out about the affair, and also found out that Tanya was somewhat that kind of person, I began to feel inadequate because I was not that type of person and believed something was wrong with me. How could Doug be attracted to me? Therefore my self concept also plummeted and I needed more and more admiration and reassurance than I ever needed before. I felt like a puppy at the pet store, begging anyone to love me and take me home. I was never that needy before and be that way made me feel even worse about myself. You are correct, we are the only ones who can get ourselves out of this hole, however it is scary to take the shovel and dig our way out. Blue Sky Above, you are so correct, I also was never a “look at me” kind of person, I also try to shy away from this kind of person. I am one to somewhat slip into the crowd and observe, finding meaning in my surroundings. After I found out about the affair, and also found out that Tanya was somewhat that kind of person, I began to feel inadequate because I was not that type of person and believed something was wrong with me. How could Doug be attracted to me? Therefore my self concept also plummeted and I needed more and more admiration and reassurance than I ever needed before. I felt like a puppy at the pet store, begging anyone to love me and take me home. I was never that needy before and be that way made me feel even worse about myself. You are correct, we are the only ones who can get ourselves out of this hole, however it is scary to take the shovel and dig our way out.

]]> Comment on What if You Run Into Your Spouse’s Affair Partner? by Doug http://www.emotionalaffair.org/what-if-you-run-into-your-spouses-affair-partner/#comment-47931 Doug Fri, 18 May 2012 18:48:45 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6834#comment-47931 Hi Alone, Haven't seen many posts from you in a while. How are things getting along with you and your husband? Hi Alone, Haven’t seen many posts from you in a while. How are things getting along with you and your husband?

]]> Comment on What if You Run Into Your Spouse’s Affair Partner? by Alone http://www.emotionalaffair.org/what-if-you-run-into-your-spouses-affair-partner/#comment-47930 Alone Fri, 18 May 2012 18:41:41 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6834#comment-47930 Blue, you are absolutely right. I'm sorry if I posts came across that way. I have a ton of remorse for his wife. Absolutely. The whole things really sickens me. The way I make it up to her is by staying out of her life forever. And the way I make it up to my H is by focusing on him and rebuilding. Having been in Brenda's shoes, I just wanted to encourage her a little bit on how to get through this. That's all I hoped to accomplish. There's really no safe place for cheaters to share their thoughts. Thanks for allowing me to post. My best to you. Blue, you are absolutely right. I’m sorry if I posts came across that way. I have a ton of remorse for his wife. Absolutely. The whole things really sickens me. The way I make it up to her is by staying out of her life forever. And the way I make it up to my H is by focusing on him and rebuilding.

Having been in Brenda’s shoes, I just wanted to encourage her a little bit on how to get through this. That’s all I hoped to accomplish. There’s really no safe place for cheaters to share their thoughts. Thanks for allowing me to post. My best to you.

]]> Comment on What if You Run Into Your Spouse’s Affair Partner? by Brenda http://www.emotionalaffair.org/what-if-you-run-into-your-spouses-affair-partner/#comment-47927 Brenda Fri, 18 May 2012 18:22:20 +0000 http://www.emotionalaffair.org/?p=6834#comment-47927 I was selfish and desperately wanted a meaningful relationship in addition to the one with my husband. I thought I could keep it safe, I thought I was doing everything to make it right. I didn't lie to my husband, I tried to keep everything open. My biggest mistake was when I found out the the man hid things, and lied to his wife and I didn't walk away. When he told me his problems, i listened yes. I did voice it, I even told her how uncomfortable I was with many thing. I did not walk away, I've done that now. Shame on me for being so desperate to have friends that i let boundaries crash and hurt so many people. I was selfish and desperately wanted a meaningful relationship in addition to the one with my husband. I thought I could keep it safe, I thought I was doing everything to make it right. I didn’t lie to my husband, I tried to keep everything open. My biggest mistake was when I found out the the man hid things, and lied to his wife and I didn’t walk away. When he told me his problems, i listened yes. I did voice it, I even told her how uncomfortable I was with many thing. I did not walk away, I’ve done that now. Shame on me for being so desperate to have friends that i let boundaries crash and hurt so many people.

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