Infidelity causes intense emotional pain--anger, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage.Cheating Spouses: Their Affair and Their Kids
We received an email from one of our blog readers who asked us to share a letter that her daughter wrote to her husband. The letter shows the effects that an affair has on the children of those involved. Cheating spouses don’t always realize (or don’t care) what their actions do to the psyche of kids. Often they think that the child will take their side, are resilient or simply won’t care. This letter demonstrated clearly that that is not always the case. In fact, I venture to say that this letter reflects more accurately how a child feels about a parent’s marital affair in most instances.
I know that when I was in the middle of my emotional affair with Tanya, I felt that sure, if my kids ever found out they would be upset and distraught, but the “affair fog” that I was in clouded my judgment and I was convinced that they would soon get over it and be able to move on with little after effects. I now know just how stupid that mindset was.
When I read the letter it really hit home, and I’m so relieved that it didn’t get to the point where I would have to explain or justify my hurting their mother the way that I did. My children mean the world to me, and it would be more than devastating to lose their trust, respect and love. What I did to Linda was horrible enough as it was, but to hurt them as well would have made everything so much more terrible. I really could have lost everything that is most important in my life.
Maybe I’m just a wuss, but I think that if more cheating spouses who have kids would consider the effects that their actions are having outside of their affair bubble, there would be less cheating in this world—or at the very least they would have more motivation to end the affair.
Here is a portion of the letter that demonstrates this girl’s feelings towards her father and his affair:
“…Last of all, I’m not going to hate you forever. I don’t hate you now. I am just really disappointed in you. I feel like you are no longer the person that raised me; the person that I have always looked up to and wanted to be like. All of this has been very painful. I want you to be happy and I understand your need to figure everything out, but it is an understatement to say that you went about this the wrong way. Honestly, I feel sorry for you. You have, and will lose so much because of your actions, and for what? I think you will find the trade-off less than satisfying. (I still feel the same way about Rachel, and I’m sorry but I have to vent - I never want to meet her, if she is someplace then I will not be there. If God forbid you stay together, then I don’t want her at my graduation, my wedding, to meet my kids, nothing).
I’m sorry if any of this hurt your feelings. I will always love you and want a relationship with you, but I’m just so mad at you right now. I’m anxious about what the future will hold for all of us, but I guess only time will tell.”
So for all of the cheating spouses out there, think about all the harm your actions can cause. Not only the devastation that you inflict on your spouse, but also your kids. Perhaps you will think twice before you have an affair, and decide to do whatever is necessary to fix your relationship and save your marriage before it’s too late.
Once again…just a reminder that our webinar with therapist Jeff Murrah is tonight at 5:00 ET. Learn more about how to cope with a cheating spouse. There are just a few slots left for the call so go to the registration page now and secure your spot.
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Doug,
I often use the phrase “the hurt that keeps on hurting” as a way to express the impact of cheating on children. The damage of cheating often goes on through generations. What may have been a one-night stand or a six-month fling often produces years of hurts.
The letter from the daughter hits on many issues. 1) The hurt often shows its ugly head at holidays, family gatherings and significant events 2) The cheating leads to an alienation in the relationship between the cheater and the child. That is a significant one-two punch. It says, “I don’t trust you”. If that doesn’t phase you, I will see to it that you are reminded of it at every family gathering.
WOW! What a message. If you think that it will pass away once the grand-kids are around, think again. They will likely pick up their parents hurts and you as the cheater will have a stained reputation that lasts through the generations. I know that is strong, but it is a reality that people seldom want to face.
The letter and the post really upset me today. I remember trying to save Doug from himself by keeping his affair a secret. I knew how hurt and angry our children would be and I didn’t want all his years of love and dedication to be wiped away from a terrible mistake. Obviously he was not thinking clearly because he believed they would understand and be ok. I felt I was talking to deaf ears trying to explain the reality of the situation. It was a very helpless situation for me and it is amazing how the pain can resurface years later. The letter truly represents how devastating and selfish an affair really is. I wonder if the children’s hurt and anger ever go away, I know how difficult it is for the spouse to let it go, we often forget about the effects of the children and what we need to do to heal their pain. Linda
This is really a tough pill for my wife at the moment. 3 of my 4 children know, and its effected each of them differently. My oldest is very angry. I think the flip flop back and forth since finding out, that he has seen has done even more damage with the trust. I am confident that as we continue our process to recovery, and actions speak louder than words, he will forgive, but I know it kills my wife seeing his constant disrespect and anger. Its like he is shouting, I dare you to flip flop again. I only pray that helps strengthen resolve as we try to get past the “Fog” stage. Still in it, unfortunately.
Both of my children found out and both of them just tolerrate him. They love him but have no respect for him and he cant seem to understand why everyone just cant forgive and forget and put it in the past. Does he really think what he did wasnt so wrong?? He lost so much and he doesnt even get it. I wonder if he is more worried about his loss for the ow more? Wish I can ask him but he would only lie.
My daughter knows about her stepdad’s EA… I would have preferred she didn’t, but I had left my email open on the home computer and she read a conversation in the chat window.
She is 17 and still learning about relationships, love, etc. She’s very strong-willed and has been a difficult teen to live with before all of this. Needless to say, she know has no respect for my H and flat out calls him out on what he did or points out that she will not listen to anything he says as a result.
This makes homelife pretty rough and stressfull, not what we need at a time like this! I’m hoping to show my H that we can have a happy, loving marriage but at home there’s so much negative energy when they are both around. It sounds awful to say this, but I am looking forward to her turning 18 in December and moving out… If nothing else, to give us some peace to try to work on our relationship again.
My 11 year old daughter knows about her dad’s EA. She could see it just as I could, we just didn’t realise it was an affair going on. LOve hind sight now! Anyway, she is struggling withthe fact that her daddy could love someone else and then to top it off lie and have sex with someone else besided her mum. What gets her though is that she has walked in on her dad and me kissing before and that is what upsets her the most that her dad would kiss OW that same way.. funny what a child thinks.
She can see that her dad has made a very big mistake and that he regrets it and the pain it has caused. SHe see’s that he can come out of this is the best way by working through it and staying with his family. She know’s this, although she has got to the point where she says, mum I know he is my dad and I love him, but why do you stay with him. I wouldn’t! That tears me up inside.
I think reality is, the cheater knows the hurt and pain they have casused, but their selfishness over rides that pain and they do what is best for themselves at the time. My husband said that it takes children about 3 months to get use to an idea and adjust and they will be okay. I dissagree with this, yes children are resilient, I still dissagree with the whole 3 months thingie though.
I don’t think 3 LIFETIMES will ever be enough for a child to get use to infidelity!! I know it will stay with me forever!!
I’ve had several friends over the years whose husband’s have had affairs, four of the marriages ending in divorce…I’ve always told my H that to have an affair is one of the most selfish acts in a marriage, especially if children are involved….of course, he disregarded this and got involved in an EA…and now we are all paying for it!
I hope and pray my children will be OK…they seem to be, except for my youngest, I can tell he’s still insecure…just trying to show him that we love each other and mom and dad are gonna be OK :/