Cheating Spouses: 6 Reasons Why Their Affair Won’t Last
Posted on 03. Sep, 2010 by Linda in Dealing with Infidelity, Ending an Affair, Surviving an Affair
How long do affairs last? Most experts say the chances are they will not last very long.
When I first found out about my husband’s emotional affair, I frantically researched books and the internet on surviving infidelity, as I wanted to know how long do affairs last. What I found was that most resources sited only 10% of cheating spouses in affairs move on to long term relationships. Of those 10%, only half are successful.
Well, if I were a betting person, the odds seemed to be in my favor. In my mind though, I believed Doug’s affair was one of the 10% that could turn into a long term relationship. I felt that way mainly due to what he hold told me about his relationship with Tanya. I felt that they were meant to be together and that they had figured out what it took to have a lasting long term relationship. Obviously I was wrong, and after watching my brother’s affair go down the tubes, I have come to some conclusions on why affairs don’t last.
They begin with lies and deceit. In the beginning it may appear flattering that a person would lie and break their commitment to their spouses just to be with another. However, as the relationship progresses, the cheating spouses begin to wonder if they are lying and betraying each other as well.
For instance, Tanya would have a problem every weekend knowing that Doug was spending a lot of time with me and his family. If she trusted him and believed he kept his commitment to her, why was she jealous? Doug also had mentioned that Tanya had a previous relationship where she got “close” to someone. Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? What if you go through a rough patch? Would you be able to know for certain your affair partner is committed to you? If it happened once, couldn’t it happen again? A relationship that begins with lies and betrayal will always continue—and end, that way.
Their needs aren’t being met. As Dr. Willard Harley suggests in “His Needs Her Needs,” the affair partner may meet one or two of the spouse’s needs perfectly, but the husband/wife are meeting all the others.
During an affair, the cheating spouse may believe that they feel so alive with their affair partner and that person is all that they need to make them complete and happy. Little do they realize though, that the cheating spouse is being fulfilled in other areas by their wife and family.
My brother is the perfect example of this. In April, he left his wife and family and went to live with his affair partner. He didn’t maintain much contact with his wife or any of his kids at all. It only took him three months to realize that his affair partner couldn’t give him everything he needed. He also found that she wasn’t doing a very good job at meeting those needs that she initially had met perfectly.
The other person isn’t so perfect. It is an illusion that the cheating spouse sees the affair partner as a perfect person/companion. Because of the dynamics of the affair, life’s realities rarely enter into the affair relationship. Therefore, the cheating spouses seem to possess all the qualities for each other that they thought had been lacking in their lives previously.
There may be some things that don’t seem so appealing, but they put these unappealing issues in the back of their heads, thinking they really don’t matter so much. They don’t have to live with the other person. Eventually reality strikes, and those less than desirable traits seem to surface more and more and doubt starts to set in. They wonder if it is worth it.
It’s déjà vu all over again. The cheating spouses also bring to their relationship the same problems they had in their marriage. Just because everything is wonderful right now and they feel that their spouses are the reason for their discontent, they will soon learn that their new relationship will just be as unsatisfying and problematic. When a person moves from one relationship to another without any self reflection, the relationship stays the same– only the players have changed.
It gets boring after awhile. Eventually the secrecy, excitement and newness of the relationship wear off. Maintaining an affair, and for the most part leading two separate lives, can be stressful. This will certainly have an effect on the relationship after a while because an affair lacks any real commitment, and therefore there isn’t much to hold the relationship together. They begin to wonder if all the trouble is really worth it.
The cheating spouse realizes that the potential loss is too great. When the cheater is faced with the consequences of his/her actions, they often come to the harsh reality of what potentially they could lose. Besides the obvious of losing their current spouse, they are subject to lose the love and respect of their children, friends and family. They are subject to losses both financially and emotionally as well.
Experts seem to agree that most affairs don’t last and that the cheating spouses who are involved regret their decisions.
Thinking about Doug’s and my brother’s affair, it upsets me to know that the initial feelings of admiration, attention and excitement can cause so much turmoil to people they have been forging relationships with for years.
I can’t stop thinking about what a mess my brother has created and how difficult it will be to fix. For him, surviving infidelity may not be possible. Affairs cause so much long term damage — all for just a short term of gratification. You wonder that if the cheating spouses knew what the end result would be, would they think again about starting something so dangerous in the first place? I imagine they believe that their situation is different and that they (and the relationship) are special. However, if you are reading the comments on this site, most emotional and physical affairs follow the same script. There is really nothing unique about any of them.
Can you think of any more reasons why the affair won’t last? If so, please comment below.
Additional Resources
Break Free From the Affair – the best book for determining the type of affair and predict how and when the affair will end.
How Affairs Should End – article by Willard Harley
Get free access to our toolbox filled with workbooks, e-books, audios and other resources to help you in a variety of ways as you travel your own journey after infidelity.
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97 Responses to “Cheating Spouses: 6 Reasons Why Their Affair Won’t Last”
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March 24, 2012
[...] Re: I can't believe I left my spouse for you – Just a thought You touched on something important there Frankie, and reminded me of the classic "boyfriend destroyer" pattern known all to well in the pua community. Now I'm only sharing this with you guys out of educational purposes. This is how our wayward spouses were taken from us and how they can be won back. Step 1: The OM/OW simply gets information about us and what our spouses likes/dislikes about us in the relationship. This is all perfectly innocent and things you would freely tell anyone when talking about a weekend you had with your spouse. Things up for grabs are how often you go on dates, how long you've been together, your name, your occupation, etc. It's all relatively harmless at first until the OM/OW starts to pry by asking little irritating questions like why you're not with them now. Then they push deeper reassuring them they are just being friendly. That's where your spouse says "I love him but… he could…". They find out what your spouses needs and desires are that you aren't meeting up to and the pet peeves they have for us. Knowing all this information they move onto step 2. Step 2: Is where the OM/OW starts to create doubt in our spouses love for us by telling them "if he/she loved you then they would….". They instigate internal arguments by having them second guess using all the information they just said then parroting it back to them. "If he/she loved you then whey aren't they here with you….". It gets much nastier depending on what they say and promise. For instance the OW may ask why the W doesn't give anal sex all the time. Once they can see that doubt has sunken in is when they move onto the second part of this stage. They begin to tear you down by either over qualifying you in your spouse's mind or tearing you down based on the information the spouse has given after arguments. It's usually "they seem like such a nice person, they must….", or it's "how could they do that to you. Don't they see…". They begin to tear us down while complimenting the spouse in a way they makes them seem like the rescuer and better option. Oh I bet your spouses takes you out dancing all the time, he/she must give you massages and cook you gourmet foods, bring you flowers at work, rub your feet while you watch Sunday football. Or they tear you down, "He just left that spill for you to clean up?!, I can't believe she would refuse you sex… just look at you, He said you were getting fat?, How dare she tell you…" You guys get the point. Step 3: Is where they put themselves in our shoes and make promises to do what we can't. "Oh your wife wouldn't have sex with you again…. well if I was your lover we would have sex every night multiple times. I woud take you and ravish your body until…, I pee with the door closed ALWAYS". "Oh, I can't believe he would look at you and see____ what I see is_______ strong indipendent woman…. losing weight…. tell me more…." The OM/OW will go to great extents over long periods of times, even years, to portray the perfect person that they themselves can not realistically live up to. To be honest they are not even fighting fare. I might also add this the stage where you get that frantic call in the middle of the night from your spouse asking if you love them and think your marriage was right. Thank that OM/OW for that! After this third step they simply continue tearing you down and building themselves up better than your image. This can go on for weeks of months but sooner or later your spouse falls in love with that image. This is in a nut shell how they steal our spouses and in time how you can get them back. If you've already lost your spouse at this point don't worry because as I have pointed out the OM/OW's promisses will dissolve into lies in time. I have used this process a few times with getting girls who had past bf issues. I've made girls cry before talking about their abusve exes and then building up an image that I would never do what he did. It would never be long before they went from dropping tears to dropping clothes because I flipped all the right switches. I'm not saying what I did was right and to you ladies, I payed the price for my wicked ways later on. Here is the link to a site I ment to post before I started writing. Cheating Spouses: 6 Reasons Why Their Affair Won [...]
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Jeffrey Murrah
03. Sep, 2010
Linda,
From what I have read, many affairs last 6-15 (roughly about half a year to a year and 1/2) months in length. Granted there are some exceptions, but this is the average. I have also read that in less than 10% of the cases does the cheater marry the lover. The odds are against the affair lasting and of the cheater marrying the lover.
The odds are against the lover. I have also learned to not trust the numbers. Although the numbers are against the affair lasting, it does not mean that the marriage will last or be unscathed.
There are also some interesting findings coming out of research on bonding, and its influence in relationships. The attachment and bonding is something in the spouse’s favor, yet many people do not understand this phenomena or they are in too much pain to put it into use.
Affairs are also relationships based on having fun. When tough times come, they often fade. The poet Anne Sexton wrote a series of poems concerning an affair she had as the lover. Her line that “I am watercolor, I wash off” paints a vivid picture. She describes the wife as sure and solid, with a foundation while she is just a whim.
These are just a few reasons. I am sure that there are more.
Doug
03. Sep, 2010
Jeffrey, thanks for your information, I would love to learn more about the attachment and bonding. I know that the spouse has so many positives in their favor, even in the mist of an affair, but through the turmoil it is difficult to realize and utilize what works with your spouse. When Doug was confused about who he wanted to be with I read an article about winning your husband back from the other women. The advice said you know him better than anyone , you know what makes him happy, just do what you did at the beginning of your relationship. At the time I felt I didn’t know him at all so it was very difficult for me rely on what I knew about him and our relationship to try and move him away from the fantasy of the affair. Honestly I believe they want it all , the fun and stability. I guess the key is to show your spouse they can have it all in their marriage, it just takes time and effort. Linda
OW/NowWife
03. Sep, 2010
Mine is one of the 5% who have made it, but that was only because true love developed. And here 21yrs later my H had an EA, no one is spared from that if you don’t have your marriage in order. We have been together 22yrs now and we have a great marriage again thanks to all of you. Keep in mind that affair marriages have the same problems first time marriages do, it is no different. I can give many reasons why the affair won’t last. For one if he/she doesn’t leave their spouse in the first three months, they never will. You read all of these “well he can’t leave her until the child finishes high school”…uh hello stupid! or “he says she’s a terrible wife he only stays with her because he can’t afford to support two households”…uh hello stupid-er. We have all read similar excuses. Even if the affair partners marry,if there are ex-spouses and children in the picture on either/or both sides there is usually a lot of stressful drama,resentment over paying the ex child support,putting out extra money for the ex-spouse,unhappy resentful children and extended family members who take sides etc. Unless you have real love for each other (not “in love” with each other) these issues can and most likely will end the relationship. Like I said before, there is no “riding off into the sunset together”, it’s more like riding into a forrest fire! And if anyone wants to believe it differently they are sadly mistaken. Don’t get me wrong, I am not proud of how we came to be and I have never regretted it because I knew what I was getting myself into but it has not been easy. And like many of the stories here we became complacent and comfortable which allowed the EA to occur.
PTY
13. Jan, 2011
OW/Wife: I find your comments very interesting and forthright. I hope things have/will work out for you. I am intrigued about your “3 month” comment. Is that your own opinion, or have you seen it somewhere?
Donna
03. Sep, 2010
I so desperatly needed to read this today Linda, so thank you so much.
Linda said “In my mind though, I believed Doug’s affair was one of the 10% that could turn into a long term relationship.”
This is exactly my train of throught oo Linda, so very bizarre. You also mentioned that ” I imagine they believe that their situation is different and that they (and the relationship) are special.” My husband has pretty much said this to me. He has said that he is not just any ordinary case, and that he knows that the OW and he could be very happy together, they are more compatible than we are. He knows they will have troubles as well, however he says they will be able to work through those and be happy. He says that there releationship is exciting. I asked him how and he couldn’t tell me. He said it is just the feeling he gets… too funny!
Anyway, I agree with what you said. There relationship was founded on friendship which VERY quickly turned into deceit as I never knew abou the phone calls or anything until D day. I can see them crashing and burning because the shame and guilt would eat them both alive.
I am struggling with the fact that I feel I must be a really boring person who just can’t get that exciting feeling and give that to my husband. I feel worthless in this area. I feel I a not interesting to talk too whee OW is. I know this is not true, this is just how the affair has made me feel in all of this.
Anyway, taking one day at a time. He is not interested in our marriage right now and I imagine he is in turmoil at the thought the OW will be moving 4 hours away in 2 weeks. Once tha is out of the way, maybe then we can start to slowly, very slowly work on us. In the mean time I will be a rock of support to him and stay calm in my very turbulent world, so he has a safe and calm place to come home too.
Again Linda, thankyou for todays article.
Donna
03. Sep, 2010
I so desperatly needed to read this today Linda, so thank you so much.
Linda said “In my mind though, I believed Doug’s affair was one of the 10% that could turn into a long term relationship.”
This is exactly my train of throught oo Linda, so very bizarre. You also mentioned that ” I imagine they believe that their situation is different and that they (and the relationship) are special.” My husband has pretty much said this to me. He has said that he is not just any ordinary case, and that he knows that the OW and he could be very happy together, they are more compatible than we are. He knows they will have troubles as well, however he says they will be able to work through those and be happy. He says that there releationship is exciting. I asked him how and he couldn’t tell me. He said it is just the feeling he gets… too funny!
I also think… why would he want to raise OW’s 4 rowdy young boys aged 14 down to 4 when he struggles the at the moment with his own 4 young childnre who he loves? Makes no sense, add into the mix of ex wife and an ex husband and add to that 8 children, makes for one very crazy and turbulent ride I would say.
Anyway, I agree with what you said. There relationship was founded on friendship which VERY quickly turned into deceit as I never knew abou the phone calls or anything until D day. I can see them crashing and burning because the shame and guilt would eat them both alive.
I am struggling with the fact that I feel I must be a really boring person who just can’t get that exciting feeling and give that to my husband. I feel worthless in this area. I feel I a not interesting to talk too whee OW is. I know this is not true, this is just how the affair has made me feel in all of this.
Anyway, taking one day at a time. He is not interested in our marriage right now and I imagine he is in turmoil at the thought the OW will be moving 4 hours away in 2 weeks. Once tha is out of the way, maybe then we can start to slowly, very slowly work on us. In the mean time I will be a rock of support to him and stay calm in my very turbulent world, so he has a safe and calm place to come home too.
Again Linda, thankyou for todays article.
Doug
03. Sep, 2010
Donna, I heard the same things, how compatible they were and how we didn’t have anything in common anymore. Well that was total bullshit. If you knew us you would know how compatible were are. We enjoy all the same interests and always have. Unfortunately life became very busy and we stopped enjoying all of those things. I knew from day one that they weren’t that compatible because like your husband Doug also had a difficult time explaining what was so special about Tanya and their relationship. He would say she was fun, outgoing, but when I would press for more information he really couldn’t explain it to me. He could tell me he had fun but he couldn’t tell me why, how, I believe because he really didn’t know himself, it was a mystery to him as much as it was to me. I believe it has to do with the illusion, they see this person as they want to see them and their fantasy may be totally different from the way the person really is. They want to believe they are compatible and this is special, if not why would they be messing up their lives for this person.
Last week Doug and I met a couple that hooked up on EHarmony, and they talked about the questions and the long process to find a mate. I joked with Doug because Tanya wouldn’t have made it on his list because they didn’t have that much in common contrary to what he believed when they began the affair. Hang in there hopefully the fog with lift and reality will set in. Linda
Donna
04. Sep, 2010
thank you for the replies… Another thing my husband said is that he just loves everything about her. That is why he loves her. I hate that he took some dvd’s back to the shop and I sit here not trusting him and wanting to ask him if he called her while he was out. However, I will remain silent and not ask. I hate this no trust issue. How on earth have you got through this linda and Doug. I know she will be moving away, yet I still fear that he will miss her so much and that will be the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak. They have never had to really withdraw from each other because they would try and then contact each other and then see each other. Well he knows I will not trust him if he has to go North as I know what would happen. I so want my husband to hold me and yet he just wants nothing to do with me physically. Ho Hum, this is the sucky part. I hate this.. Even though all this has happened, I hate thatwe are not intimate anymore, I do miss that sie of our relationship as i did feel close to him Funny how some don’t want to touch there spouses and yet I crave it, even with all the hurt I have felt.
Patience is so hard and yet it is to become the new normal. We did have a good day out as a family today. I do know that the next 2 weeks are going to be awful for him as he know she will be leaving soon. 4 hours away is not that far, yet it is far enough for now. I wonder if the phone contact will just increase once she has gone. They won’t be seeing each other, so they will continue an affair over the phone.
Anyway, lots that can or will happen in the next few months. I just need to stay calm and be patient.. that will be my new mantra.. stay patient Donna
Last2know
04. Sep, 2010
Donna, what are you doing to “fight” for your marriage? Obviously you have not read enough. Quit being patient! I can tell you that right now she is the complete opposite of you. You need to put on your big girl panties and act totally opposite of what he expects. what were like when you both met? Be her be that women you were when you first met your H. That’s what he wants and don’t forget the 3 A’ adoration, appreciation and admiration. Start feeding it to him. Just by reading your posts it doesn’t appear that you have looked at how you may have contributed to the weaknesses in your marriage. You need to start there. Also quit asking him about her and ask him what is it about “me” that changed? “I need to know so I can work on it”. “I will need to know so that when I move on I can be everything to the new man in my life as she is to you”. It might make him think. Start dressing up, make up etc. and whistle and sing to yourself while doing things at home. He won’t know what to think. But make everything about you and his Affair is, well his affair. If you are acting like a doormat, you will be treated like one. You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain, most especially your self-esteem. It’s about you right now and his affair will play out one way or the other. Be ready to start your new life. Be it with him or someone else.
Donna
04. Sep, 2010
Last2know, I appreciate your comments, however.. you do not know me or my circumstances. They may be similar, what works for one person doesn’t alsways mean it will work for the other. I can just tell you, with my husband ranting and raving will certainly not earn me any brownie points. It will only make him want to be homeless and push him towards OW. As for me being patient doea not mean I am being a door mat or am on drugs etc… My husband knows with out me going on and on about it that I DO NOT approve at all of what he was or is doing. As for not fighting for my marriage, apparently when does being patient show me not fighting for my marriage? I think it shows the opposite. What I am allowing is for my husband to work through his emotions and see where his loyalties will lay in the end. May work for me and not you, I understand that, however I am not being a doormat. Far from it. As for getting about the house singing etc.. and being happy, I am doing that. He knows I am devestated and notin denial about any of this. He hears my cries from the lounge of a night when I am in bed and dreaming. The same re occuring dream which has me ending up in tears. He knows my heartache. Yelling and screaming will not help me or my marriage.
I do dress up, actually I take better care of myself more now than pre affair days. I have lost ove 90lbs, just had a tummy tuck and look fantastic.. not that he has told me. I see what I look like and know I am looking good. It would be nice for him to comment, however I also realise he has eyes and see’s me very clearly. He obviously just can’t comment for some reason.
Thank you for the advice on that the affair is his and not mine, make it about me and not the other. I will take that advice on.
I do give my husband the 3 A’s, he never responds to them and I never expect him too until he feels he can. It does hurt, I will continue to do it though and praise praise praise etc…
As far as looking at what weaknesses I have contributed to our marriage, I have certainly done that. I have gone over and over and know where I have failed and could improve and am doing the opposite of what I was doing. Just from reading a post doesn’t give full accounts of what or where someone is in there marriage. I know what my weaknesses are, however my weaknesses did not MAKE him take that step of infidelity. That was HIS choice and I WILL NOT be accountable for that. There are 2 in this marriage and if he was in a bad place, taking it to someone else sure as hell was not the answer. His choice and his problem. I will fight for my marriage, I can’t make his choices and I am strong and know I do not not deserve this crap and he knows this. I have read and read all that is on this site and I think I am at a pretty good place.
As I said, maybe being patient is not the answer for you. I recognise it is for me and my marriage and i also recognise that he will either stay in the end or leave. Either way, I will be okay.
It has been 6 months since D day for me and you know what… he is still here. I will be grateful for that and not complain and just keep doing what I have been. He has to change mostly, I do too, yet it is mainly him.
Pat
06. Sep, 2010
Donna,
Just a comment about feeling boring. Get that out of your head. He wants the excitement of “being in love”. The feeling you have when you’re about 17 years old. He can’t get that excitement with someone he has a history with. My advice to you if you are going to be patient, is be mysterious. Do NOT chat/question him. He doesn’t deserve to use you as a shoulder to lean on when he starts to feel blue that she’s moving…whatever. He is self centered…he’s detached from you emotionally right now because he is living only for what feels good.
Doug
06. Sep, 2010
Pat, that is a great comment. It is very difficult for the betrayed spouse to understand what is going through our husband’s head when they are in an emotional affair. I still have problems understanding it, but I think you are right on target when you said they want the excitement of being in love, like a teenager.
I was a teenager once who experienced the ups and downs and the excitement of infatuation, I may be boring but I would much rather have the security, commitment and mature love that is present in a long term marriage. Yes I sometimes long for Doug to have the head over heals feeling for me, but I don’t want the drama and the insecurity that comes with it.
I guess our husbands want to feel young and carefree again. I wish I could help Doug feel like that everyday but sometimes obligations and life get in the way and there is no escaping it. I believe that is the main appeal of an affair, the escape from reality. The hour or two when they are the center of the universe, free from talk about money, chores, where someone doesn’t care if they paid the mortgage or took the kids to the dentist. This person allows them to remember what it was like to be a teenager, when they had the whole world ahead of them, with their hopes and dreams. This person doesn’t know their failures and faults, they just make them feel perfect in every way.
I wish I could provide this atmosphere for Doug everyday, actually I wish we could provide it for each other. I need the escape just as much as he does, but how do you turn off the switch and pretend reality doesn’t exist when it is all around you? I wish that we could escape to our private meeting spot or restaurant everyday and only focus on each other and never mention the kids, bills, or chores. Is that possible? It is unfair that when you are involved in an affair that is such a priority but in a marriage it is the last thing on the list. How do we make our marriage into an affair? Linda
Paula
09. May, 2011
You are being his doormat! Your situation is no different than all the other million affairs that are going on. Why stay with a man who seems to not love you but is with you for “convienence.” I would rather be alone than be with a man who can’t compliment me on my weight loss, or just seems disinterested in me. There’s other fish in the sea, what makes him so special?
Last2know
07. Sep, 2010
Donna, sorry if I offended you in any way, that was not my intention at all, remember I am on your side, I have been where you’re at. Your situation is different. In my case the OW got busted by her H and her H told me. It happened labor day last year. My H was standing next to me while the OW’s H was texting me. At first I defended my H and said “I know my husband and you must be mistaken. I was telling my H about the texts, slowly I saw his demeanor change and then I knew it was true and he admitted it. I was in shock, my H was devasted was crying and apologizing profusely and all I could was sit there. Then his EA was over. The thought of losing me, us was tearing him apart. Today he is still apologizing. So your right I haven’t had to stand back and wait to see him be “in love” with someone else. We had a conversation in each others arms the other night. He told me he couldn’t live without me then asked me the same and I said “yes
I could live without you, I choose not to because I love you and want to spend my life with you” He was shocked. The old me would have never been to think it much less say it. I don’t think I could do what your doing. It would just be too hard. You say your H hasn’t commented on your looks, remember in an A it’s not about looks. Just keep looking good for you that is what is most important. When I said read I meant read Articles, books not just this website. That helped me a lot. Although it still hurts my marriage and my H and I have changed we are communicating more and better than ever. I am here for you, whatever I say is not to hurt you, I promise.
Liz
07. Sep, 2010
Donna- I think we all see you hurting and want to help, but your right what works for us will not work for everyone else! You do what is working for you and only you will know when enough is enough!
I too lost 92 lbs and felt great about myself and at the time I just couldnt figure out why he wasnt looking at me but I do now. She was all he thaught about it really didnt matter what I looked like! The crazy thing is she wasnt overly pretty, just average! I think when someone tells us what we are not doing really stings! It whips us back into reality that maybe we are not doing enough or maybe we are still screwing up! Even if we know we did’nt make them do what they are doing we feel like we must have done something to push him into someone elses arms. I think we all think it at some point. We just need to take a minute and realize that we have to make our own happy! I think what I have realized though is I will be a better person and if he is lucky enough to stand next to me on this journey then we both win and if not I still have me!
Doug
07. Sep, 2010
Liz/Donna, I think most of us can relate to being ignored during our husband’s affair. I got down to 105, wore sexy bras and undies, tried extra hard to look my best and Doug never made a comment or pretended to notice. It was very upsetting and I would beat myself up, I thought that Tanya most be some kind of model because Doug pretended I didn’t exist. I would search for ways to make myself even more attractive to him, still without any result. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me. Everyone else would make compliments, why wouldn’t the person who I needed it from the most unable to do so. I think he was blindsided by her and the fantasy and also turned off by my insecurities. It is very frustrating and the only thing I can say is to love yourself. Remember it is not about you, forget about what he is not doing and focus on what you are accomplishing to make yourself the best you can be. Don’t let him bring you down and don’t let allow his actions get the best of you. Linda
LizS
09. Sep, 2010
Linda-
My husband had a true affair! I found out after she had called it off, but only 3 weeks after. So now I understand why he went through all the mood swings and the withdrawl durning the time that I thaught we were “working on it!” I could’nt figure out why he would stare out the window for long periods of time while we were in the car togeather and ignore me…well now I know his mind was some place else! But I have to say you are right about all the stages of the affair. He went thorugh them all and has started to realize it was all a fantasy and that it truely never would have worked. Well I just have to wonder what the hell was he thinking then? I know he was’nt but ugh! It still pisses me off! I try to understand it and I still can not! Does that make me weak at times I think yes and then I remember I am human and it’s ok to feel this way but I also think what did I do to deserve this? No live this life of there lies? Will it ever be normal? Im not even looking for great just normal!
Doug
09. Sep, 2010
LizS, Thanks for the comments. You didn’t deserve this. That’s one reason why forgiving and trusting after an affair is so difficult. Arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can, act on that knowledge and things can return to almost normal with time–even better. Good luck.
LizS
09. Sep, 2010
Doug-Thanks! I know now that I did’nt deserve this but I did blame myself at first…now I know it really had nothing to do with me! I have read just about everything I can…I use this website almost daily and I guess I can’t change the past as much as I would like to I can’t but I am in charge of my future and I am workingon this!
Pat
10. Sep, 2010
Liz, No one deserves the betrayal. You’re right that he was not in his right mind. An affair offers such newness/excitement and adoration. A marriage can’t offer those tidbits.. A marriage can offer much quieter, deeper, gifts. Safety, security, a feeling of trust, family. Sometimes the quieter things don’t seem important. Be glad your spouse woke up. Mine did not. He started an email affair with and old girlfriend, visited her once and ended the marriage. A marriage can survive an affair. How someone can throw away a 22 year relationship is hard to understand. I felt weak that is took me so long to get over. Now, I think would I want to be with a man that CAN toss 22 years without a thought. Hang in there.
Ann
10. Sep, 2010
Liz,
No one deserves betrayal. You’re right, your husband was not in his right mind. An affair offers newness/excitement and adoration. Marriage can’t offer those tidbits. Marriage has deeper, quieter gifts. Family, trust, security, safety..peace- knowing your spouse knows your secrets. Sometimes the quieter gifts don’t seem important. Be glad your husband woke up. Mine did not. He started an email affair with an old girlfriend. Met her once and ended our marriage. I felt weak because it took me so long to get over. A marriage CAN survive an affair. I couldn’t understand how someone could throw away 22 years without a thought. Now I think, would I WANT to be married to a man that could do that? Hang in there. You will become stronger. Your husband does, now, seem to realize what he almost lost.
LizS
11. Sep, 2010
Ann-Im sorry to hear that your marriage did not work out but I guess have oyu ever thaught “Thank Goodness?” I know that is a awful thing to say but I think that sometimes! I do love my husband although I am not able to express those feelings the way he would like for me to right now! I thin the same thing do I WANT to be married to a man that could do that but from everyrthing I read it’s in all of us so do I go and give a stranger the change to change my world forever or do I just stay here and hope that my husband came get his shit togeather?
Ann
11. Sep, 2010
I think you can start to get over it if your husband knows how much he hurt you. My ex woke up after four years. He realized he had no self respect or integrity. Words like loyalty, commitment, dedication, devotion and honesty made him feel shame. I do think you can recover from an affair but your husband has to REALLY understand how much he hurt you. He has to be willing to give you a lot of time to heal from the betrayal.
Doug
11. Sep, 2010
Ann, thanks for contributing to our site it is helpful to hear from people who have different stories and are in different stages of recovery. If this is not too personal I am curious to know if your ex is still with his affair partner and what he is doing with his life. I think all of us hope that our spouses will eventually wake up and realize how stupid they were and how much they risked by their selfish behavior. I will never know how difficult the last four years was for you but I have to think that you have learned from this situation and have grown to be a stronger person because of it. Linda
Ann
12. Sep, 2010
He is no longer with his affair partner. They did marry. She had also left a 21 year marriage. Said, after awhile when they looked at each other, it was just an “ick” feeling. I no longer chat with him at all. I don’t want to be pulled back into his life (his caring about me and regret is just another self centered way of him worrying about himself). He is now involved with another woman. I don’t think he has evolved enough yet to realize he needs to be happy alone first.
Ann
12. Sep, 2010
My thought about affairs, is, a marriage can recover. I got to the point that I respected a man having an affair (the not deciding…the loving his wife but drawn to this other woman) more than I did my ex who ended a marriage after emails and one visit. He had no emotional ties to me at all if he could do that. So, for those of you suffering from an affair, there is hope for your marriage. He could very well still love you …has made a horrible mistake..but can still love you.
Lucy
05. Apr, 2011
Oh Ann! I just came across this web site and been following your posts. In reading your posts, I feel there is hope for my future. My soon to be ex left me for another after 20 yrs, and your right, it never lasts. The hurt that I and his child feels is so unbearable. He too is now with someone else. I’m still in divorce proceedings which have been hell going on 2 yrs. I just hope I can over come all of this pain which is so so intense, and hope I can pick up the pieces and start a new life again.
thanks to all who have posted-good or bad it helps all of us understand both sides of the human nature.
Toni
29. Sep, 2010
I just found out 1 month ago that my H was having an EA with an ex from 20 yrs ago! They had started texting 1 1/2 months prior to that. We’ve been married 17 yrs, no kids. And now they are in a full blown relationship. This has been the worst hurt I’ve ever had. We had discussed divorce but I am trying to save our marriage. He has said he wants to give me a chance to show him the marriage can be saved and he suggested date night. He tells me he never wants to be a divorce man, but feels like its headed in that direction. He’s here for date night (we leave phones in car so no texting or calls) but he’s gone usually one night during the, and leaves Fri after work and returns Sun afternoon. He says its an uphill battle and if he didn’t want to see if this can work he would have packed up his stuff and moved in with her (apparently its what she wants). He has taken her to meet our friends and that didn’t go to well with them; they made her feel very uncomfortable and let him know how they don’t like the situation. We still have sex and he has moved into the other bedroom. He says that after all the loyalty and the taken care of him he feels he owes it to me to show him that things can be better. I’ve been making improvements with myself by getting rid of my negativity I had during the last few years. He leaves for work and gives me a kiss goodbye, when he leaves to go be with her he kisses me goodbye. She doesn’t know that he tells me we are working on our marriage or that we are still having sex. (I know this because I have overheard their conversations). I’m at a lost. We talked yesterday and that’s the last I want to talk about it because everything has been laid out to what he would like different in our marriage; my negativity, judgement of him, interupting him when we argue, not talking thru our problems, basically communicating better. He says he gets that with the OW. He says he won’t let her go unless he sees that our marriage can be different, but how can we work on the marriage with a 3rd party involved? How can he truly see the positive changes I’ve made when he’s still seeing her? Is he just stringing me along? I do believe some of this is a revenge affair also, it sounds a lot like it from the break free book. I’m lost in his words because his actions don’t follow. Our only real problem was communucation. So, I don’t know what to do now. He’s said he sees progression in me and he has never blamed me for the affair and has expressed remorse to it all. Is he being real with me? Or trying to make it easier for him to leave the marriage by saying, see I told you, we tried it hasn’t worked? Why does he say ‘I don’t want to be a divorce man, but I feel its heading that way, but I feel I need to give you a chance to show me there’s a chance?’ It sounds like he’s confused. But would do I do now?
Doug
29. Sep, 2010
Toni, On one hand it seems that your husband is making an attempt at saving your marriage, but I can’t help but feel that it’s a half-ass attempt at best. He’s playing a game pitting you against the other woman, and it’s a game that you will have a hard time winning. The OW is probably providing him with the things that you cannot or did not, which is a tough obstacle for you to overcome, especially while he is still seeing her. I know this probably sounds like a broken record, but to be fair to you, he must end contact with the OW. How else can he truly work on your marriage? It’s tough to say what his intentions are, but it sounds like he wants to make your marriage work, but he’s going about it in the wrong way. (IMO)
Toni
29. Sep, 2010
I told him that it’s an half ass attempt. That I can’t compete with her because she’s new/fun. And his response was he doesn’t want to leave a relationship that makes him feel good and come back to our marriage just to have it fall right back to it’s old habits. Basically, he wants to keep her around till he knows for sure about us. He tells me he’ll leave her the minute he sees it he’ll leave her. And when he says that I hear he doesn’t really love her like he says he does if he could do that and that gives me hope. But your right it is a half ass attempt on his part. I told him he has to keep an open mind and open his eyes to the changes I’ve made and continue to make. I tell myself that as long as he’s still here I still have a chance. We talked about taking the no texts/calls from her when he’s home with me. And he said he’s already sabotaging the relationship with us having sex and him trying to work on the marriage and he doesn’t want to sabotage it more. Since that conversation he has been more concious about the texting/talking to her in front of me and it has become less that he’s answering her texts. (I can hear the phone buzzing and usually he finds a way to answer) again I look at that s hope. How long does an EA last? I feel like he’s going to make a decision soon because I don’t think he’ll be able to keep doing this to himself. I see the guilt and the fact everybody around us tells him he’s a dirtbag for doing this to me weighing on him. And it should. I don’t feel bad for him one bit with that. But maybe I’m wrong. I try not to think about it and I’ve taken steps to fill my day with productivity that I hadn’t done before and he sees all of it and has told me numerous times. But I still can’t stop thinking about it. It consumes me even though I’m busy doing anything. The hurt is just so terrible.
Doug
29. Sep, 2010
Toni, That is not fair to you for him to “keep her around” until he knows for sure about you. But you’re right, it does indicate that perhaps he doesn’t feel that the relationship with the OW is going anywhere. He can’t have his cake and eat it too, as the saying goes. I hear the things that you’re doing to save your marriage, but what is he doing?
Toni
29. Sep, 2010
That’s where my biggest dilemma is at. What is he doing? One date night? The few times a week he’s here with me? Sometimes I feel like he’s just saying these things until he thinks I’ve made a mistake or until he feels he can actually move on but then all our friends who take in depth with me tell me he really wants to be with me but has gotten so deep with her he doesn’t know how to get out of the situation. He sounds confused and conflicted but I know that’s no excuse. He comes home and acts like he just wasn’t with her. And it throws me for a loop. I feel so lost and not know what to do. I don’t want to file for divorce because I hope he’ll make a decision soon and if he wants one he should file.
Kathy
31. Dec, 2010
Toni,
You may want to read “Should I Stay or Should I Go” by Lee Raffel. She talks about a “controlled separation” to provide a structure to get to resolution on whether both partners are wiling to recommit to the marriage. I didn’t need to try it because my husband has ended his affair and recommitted to me, but had that not been the case I think I would have leaned towards a controlled separation. My thoughts are with you!
Artii
17. Jan, 2011
I don’t agree with the stuff about the OW/M only meeting 2 or 3 of the CS needs. That’s because it is an affair! Nothing to say that if they were involved in a relationship (as opposed to an affair) both parties couldn’t have all needs met. Sometimes relationships end, sometimes relationships overlap, it’s not ideal, but it happens. Personally, if I was the victim of the affair, I’d rather the relationship ended and I could move on with my life rather than working out % chances of your marriage working out/him running off with the woman he’s having the affair with.
Doug
18. Jan, 2011
artii, I guess if it were that easy we would have all walked away. Unfortunately we have children, pasts, futures and everything that goes with being with someone for almost 30 years involves. Some days I believe it would have been easier to end it but then I would have always wondered “what if we could have worked this out. Linda
Roger
11. Mar, 2011
Artii, I used to be like you. Think like you…”if my spouse was unfaithful to me, I’d just leave her because I’m not going to waste my time with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.” I confused this train of thought with confidence. Meaning, I thought I thinking like this made me a confident man. When, in fact, the inverse was actually true. However, when the s*it his the fan, I realized that I did not want to leave my wife. I was not going to throw 9 years away over one very poor, hurtful decision. I believed that with hard work and devotion we could rebuild our relationship and marriage. Maybe this makes me weak, I don’t know. I guess my point is this, you never really know how you are going to react until the bullets start flying. I found that my false bravado was just that, false.
PTY
12. Mar, 2011
Artii: If the lovers were capable of meeting more needs, the failure rate of affairs wouldn’t be so high.
“It’s easier to be a lover than a spouse, for the same reason that it’s more difficult to be witty every day than now & then. ” Balzac
BethD
30. Mar, 2011
Reading all these comments has my head spinning yet makes me feel a little better about me ending my emotional affair. I was involved in an affair for 12 years. The double life eventually took it’s toll on us and we broke up. We were really in love but neither of us would leave. I could never hurt my husband and go off into the sunset with my lover. He claims he could but what does it matter. We would be devastating two families and i couldn’t do it. I finally made the decision to be without him. We talk here and there as friends but I will not go back to it. Problem is I think about him constantly and the pain of being without him remains and it is almost two years. Even though things are good with my husband there is this emptiness that is haunting. Will this pain ever go away?
Doug
31. Mar, 2011
BethD, Thanks for sharing. Wow! 12 years. In my opinion, it would be very difficult to get over the pain as long as you are still maintaining contact. I don’t see how you can just be friends after a 12 year affair. Though my affair was no where near that long, I think your constant thoughts of the OP will go away eventually if you cut contact and put all your efforts, both physically and emotionally into your marriage.
Beth D
31. Mar, 2011
I know you are right Doug. I have tried the no contact thing. It worked for a little while but then when he started to contact me again it hurt me to hurt him. I still love him and I know I always will. That is a given. I could write the book on affairs and I do know that no contact is best (on paper anyway). At a certain point I was expending more time and energy maintaining no contact so I had to let it go. I try not to talk often. The hardest thing I am fighting is the fact that I feel I was happier when he was in my life as my boyfriend. Crazy huh?
Jeffrey Murrah
31. Mar, 2011
Beth D. ,
Leaving a relationship of 12 years will take some adjustment. Cutting out a person from your life after that long will take some time to get used to. The pain will fade over time.
As you draw closer to your spouse, a renewed sense of intimacy will have a chance to grow and spread into those empty parts of your life and heart. Changes like that take time. It is always important to allow time to bring the changes we need into our lives.
There may be some guilt for a while (the haunting aspect). That too will fade. Many people find that learning how to be more ‘genuine’ and in the moment helps with such situations. Another thing that helps some people is helping others.
I am glad you worked up the courage to change.
Beth D
31. Mar, 2011
Jeff, I know a 12 year affair is crazy but we were just too connected to let it go. I have to get the song “If loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right” out of my head. I wish getting closer to my spouse would do the trick but the crazy thing with me is my marriage was never bad. Love my husband to death but different kind of love. He never really had a clue and if he did he didn’t let on. My lover’s is the one who’s marriage was affected more. His wife caught on because I guess she got tired of living like brother and sister. I think she also got scared since the kids are 0lder and the last one home leaving the nest soon so she was afraid he would leave. I never blame her. She fought for her marriage but of course it was the beginning of the end for our affair. When I speak to him I can hear the misery in his voice. His marriage is worse than ever and maybe that is a good thing. Maybe by me being there he is not facing that it just isn’t working. When he had me I made his life and marriage tolerable. I don’t want to be part of the equation anymore and even remotely responsible for his marriage breaking up. If it breaks up now at least I know I have been out of the picture for two years and won’t have the guilt of breaking up a family. It is just so hard to let him go but I know it is for the best and the right thing to do morally.
PTY
31. Mar, 2011
Beth D:
Dr. Frank Pittman refers to a “marital arrangement”, by which the affair becomes the way to avoid problems in the marriage, when the marriage may not be too bad, yet not too good. As you say, it allows someone to avoid either: (1) Trying to fix the marriage; or (2) move on. So by not going back into it, you are forcing a change in the status quo, for better or for worse. Maybe, just maybe, he can look deep inside himself and allow things to get better.
Beth D
31. Mar, 2011
That is correct. I always felt that the affair masked what problems we both had in our marriages. For me it was intimacy issues since my husband has medical problems. Our love and affection was there however as well as a great friendship and partnership. It didn’t matter how much I loved my OM my devotion was and is to my husband. His marriage was cold and the only thing they seem to have in common is the children. I wish i could believe that he will look deep inside himself and allow things to get better in his marriage. Most likely he will try to replace me instead of working on his marriage. He states “when the pilot light is out…it is out” He won’t leave because he won’t risk losing the respect of his children and family. Truthfully I have lost respect for him for living this pretend marriage and not even trying to make it better. He claims I am his soul mate. Not sure I even believe in that. I do believe that there are certain people you have a unbelievable connection with and the fact that you can’t be together intensifies that connection. One thing I know is that when an affair breaks up it isn’t usually a normal break up. It isn’t something that dwindled down and the fire went out. Often it is yanked away from you when things are great and that is what makes it so hard to get over.
Beth D
03. Apr, 2011
Tourist vs citizen. Very interesting concept.
PTY
01. Apr, 2011
To steal a bit from Dr. Bill Doherty, the difference btw a marriage and an affair is the difference btw being a citizen and a tourist. A tourist sees the nice hotels, and the beautiful beaches, and leaves. The citizen sees the bugs, the weather during non tourist season, and some times the abject poverty away from the tourist areas. A tourist has fun, and goes back to thier (boring, stable) normal lives. A citizen has to deal with the mess.
Doug
02. Apr, 2011
That is a great analogy. thanks linda
Alecia
02. Apr, 2011
Linda,
What a great article! I really appreciate your insight on this! My husband had multiple affairs and his last one got completely out of hand and the OW wanted him to leave us for her. And sadly he contemplated it. We now run a website, http://www.marriagelifeministries.org and discuss topics in marriage and infidelity. I have linked your sight quite a few times already. I really enjoy your articles. You have a lot to share!
You hit the nail on the head with your ideas on why affairs don’t last, as well as the other comments so far. Particularly the comment regarding how even if the relationship lasts it has so much more going against it than relationships that don’t begin as affairs – sharing custody of children, financial stress of supporting two households, relational strain with extended family and your own children…It still baffles me that anyone would think all of that is worth the so-called “love” they think they feel for another person. Especially considering the statistics. Not only do only 5% of relationships that begin as affairs result in marriage but of those that do 75% of them end in divorce.
Mainly because, this is my take on additional ideas, their “relationship” was based on fantasy not reality. They lived whatever they thought they had in a bubble. And when they begin to live real life together they realize that the other person wasn’t who they thought they were and the relationship they thought they had isn’t as exciting and thrilling as they thought it would be. As I told my husband when he was living in limbo “Please, go do this and see what happens. You haven’t worked on a budget together, changed poopy diapers together, had the flu together, decided who would do the dishes or take out the garbage. Go see how elicit your feelings are after you have to be REAL for a few weeks.”
What many people don’t realize is that affairs actually have a lot of addictive properties to them. Many who have affairs actually end up becoming addicted. Not just to the sex or excitement but to the affair partner. When they decide to end the affair they literally go through withdrawl. Those feelings of depression and anxiety and constant agonizing thoughts about the other person lead your spouse to (wrongly) assuming that because it is so hard to end the affair and because it is so hard to stop thinking about them that they must be meant to be. Couldn’t be further from the truth.
So thank you for putting the truth out there! Keep up the good work!
Doug
02. Apr, 2011
Alecia, you know what I will never understand is why they become so addicted to their lovers, what makes their lovers so special or addicting compared to all the love and commitment shown by their spouses. Would they feel the same way toward their husbands and wives as they do toward their lovers? If they left their spouses would they feel as lost and hopeless as they do after they end their affairs? Linda
Beth D
03. Apr, 2011
It is a known fact that addiction plays a huge role in affairs. I rationally knew if I left my husband for my OM it would be a huge mistake. I never seriously contemplated it. First of all I knew I could never live with myself if I did that to my husband and second I knew on a day to day basis my husband was a great partner. Yet I could not leave my lover. I tried so many times in the first three years. Then I just accepted I couldn’t do it and for the next 7 years sailed on living the double life. When I think back I was happy when I was with my OM but the time apart was horrible. I never felt at peace and although I like to believe I was a devoted wife to my husband I know at some level it had to affect my marriage. When we broke up for the final time I felt the worst pain of my life. It was akin to the death of my parents. I not only was sick for me I hurt for him and what pain he was going through. Withdrawal was the pits. I am still not over it and I fear it can start up again at a moments notice. It is a constant struggle in my life and it is the same for him. I pray alot.
Beth D
03. Apr, 2011
Yes they would. I know if I left my husband I would miss him terribly. He is a wonderful man who deserves the best in life. I honestly think I loved both my husband and my OM. Yes it was double dipping for sure. It was wrong morally etc etc etc Yet part of me will not regret having my OM in my life. It was the best of times…it was the worst of times. I think when you do meet someone else you connect with like that the friendship is just as hard as the sexual addiction to let go. Of course the sex part is even harder. It is forbidden, it is hot, it is crazy. It is something that is really hard to get in your marriage when you are with someone every day no matter how creative you are. I use to judge people who cheated and then it happened to me. Trust me you become so out of control it is like a drug you need to have. My life will never be the same and that is my punishment. I feel like I will love and care for my OM till the end but my decision is to devote myself to my husband. Noone however knows what the future holds.
Alecia
04. Apr, 2011
I can see how you might feel that way. But can I just encourage you to keep working at your marriage? You are in control of your feelings and your thoughts. And it is an injustice to your marriage to hold on to thoughts and feelings of your OM. If you want your marriage and your heart to heal than you have to be willing to let that go. Your heart needs to belong 100% to your spouse. If not, than yes, I agree, you will continue to struggle and may even fall again. If you want your marriage to not just survive but thrive you have to get them out of your heart. It is possible.
Alecia
04. Apr, 2011
You know, I think this site has actually answered that question quite well in another post. I can’t remember which one…but basically they stated that the affair partner is meeting a need of theres, typically a need that is at the top of their list. Ironically, when/if affair partners leave their marriages to be together what one or both of them ends up realizing is that their affair partner isn’t everything they “fantasized” them as being. They were actually only meeting one or two of their needs. The spouse was meeting the rest. What we have to do as the scorned spouses is learn how to meet all of our spouses needs. In my case, my husbands primary love language is “words of affirmation” but I was constantly nagging and cutting him down. It was the nature of our relationship at the time. Yes he was being incredibly selfish in his behavior but I needed to approach it differently. My love language is not words of affirmation so it is something that I have to be deliberate about or I end up not meeting my husbands needs. He would go to work and interact with these women who would throw complements and flirations his way that skyrocketed his feeling of affirmation. There was such a gap between what I was giving and what the OW was giving that an affair was a definite possibility that eventually became a reality.
Beth D
04. Apr, 2011
Believe it or not your actions probably didn’t contribute to the affair as much as you think. Sometimes it just happens and some people like excitement in their life. I am probably one of them. Drama always seemed to find me. Your husband may be that type. You sound wonderful and i admire you talking this out with your husband. My biggest problem with my OM spouse was that until recently she never mentioned what was going on with them. She just played her pretend marriage out and appeared to be content. My OM use to put her on speaker phone so I can hear the conversation. It was so cold between them I could feel the chill. Almost like they were on remote control. Never understood that. I have a great friendship with my husband. I am glad for you that things seem to back on track with you and your spouse. I wish you the best. As for me I am contemplating going back to no contact. I think I am getting to the point that talking to him even as friends is keeping me from moving on.
mahalia
18. May, 2011
Beth I’m reading this a great deal of interest, because my husband is in a long-term affair. I’m trying to understand both him and the OW better. What I *don’t* understand is why/how you think highly of a man who would expose his wife that way to you. Putting their conversations on speaker phone for you to listen to? That is incredibly disrespectful. My husband’s OW has done much the same thing, telling stories about her own husband and highly personal details about their marriage–including things the poor guy said in therapy. That, as much as anything, made me question why I was with my husband. How can he be attracted to someone who could be that much of a backstabber? Isn’t he worried it could happen to him? Didn’t he lose respect her for her at all? How is someone like that even appealing?
I don’t understand the dynamic of some of this. I don’t care how nice someone is to me, if they are unkind to someone else it’s a big turn-off. You deserver better, but there is no question–none at all–that his wife deserves better still. No one, no matter how ‘cold’ they are, should ever be treated that way.
Beth D
03. Apr, 2011
Wow you really hit home with me when you said “you start feeling it was meant to be” You go back and forth from love vs addiction. It is a constant struggle for me to try to separate the reality from the fantasy. Yes our times were great and fun times as opposed to real life things. I did however, have some awful break ups and of course challenges in the course of all those years with my lover. Sometimes I think we went through more turmoil and angst with each other than our spouses. You know each others children, fears, fantasys, friends. You start to confide in your lover much more than your spouse which is not a good thing. Things you would never tell your spouse you tell your lover. You might even do things sexually with your lover you wouldn’t dare with your spouse. It is a complicated relationship. It takes a life of it’s own even though you promise each other it will not affect your marriages. You convince yourself that this is enhancing your life and filling it with everything missing in your marriage. I have no illusion that my life would be better if I leave my husband and marry my OM. I just miss him so badly that I wonder if it will ever go away. I do know I need peace in my life and can’t continue this forever. And yes I know I am addicted to him yet I feel like I am madly in love. Is there a fine line between addiction and love?
Doug
03. Apr, 2011
Beth D, I have been waiting to respond to your comments because honestly I am blown away by the length and intensity of your affair and I really don’t know where to begin. One thing I have to say, and I am sure that you are fully aware of this, but I feel for a majority of your married life you have been married to two men. You have your husband who provided companionship, trust, and the security that you feel living with someone on a day to day basis. Your lover provided the excitement, stimulating conversation, intimacy etc. I can truly understand how difficult it would be to let that go. You have become so accustomed to your lover fulfilling some of your needs while your spouse fulfills the others, that there would definitely be a void in the relationship with your husband. Especially if he doesn’t know about your affair and you have not had honest conversations about what you received from the affair and how he can fill those needs.
I can understand how close you felt to your lover, but I need to ask a question. You said that you knew each others children, friends, fantasies etc. Did you know them personally or were you only receiving a perception of them through your lover? I also have heard how easy it is to tell your lover things, why do you think that was? Why is it sometimes so difficult to be honest with our spouses? I also wonder would your lover be so appealing if your husband were completely out of your life? Would he be able to provide everything you received from being involved in two relationships? Most people involved in an affair are receiving the best of both worlds, even though their marriages are not perfect they are receiving some benefit being in them or they would have left years ago. They also have this other person who they can be free, exciting and fun with.
I applaud your willingness to recommit to your marriage. I hope with time you will be able to establish an intimate relationship with your husband. As you said he is a wonderful man and deserves a wife who loves him. I just wonder if you will be able to give him everything he needs without being completely honest with him about your feelings. Are you seeing anyone to help you sort through all of this? This would be very difficult to handle alone. Linda
Beth D
03. Apr, 2011
You have a pretty firm grasp on my situation! Believe it or not I know of alot of affairs that have lasted this long. Even longer. I know at least two where the affair went on over 20 years. One eventually left spouse and married lover and the other broke up. After the first few years I did have two husbands basically and I was pretty much devoted to both of them. When you are involved in affair this long there is a certain responsibility that goes along with it. My OM was younger, wealthier, and treated me very well at times. That was the fantasy part. The expensive gifts, vacations and spa dates. Those came later though so I can’t say they were the initial attraction. I had amazing sexual chemistry with my lover. Nothing can explain the chemistry we had and it was there from the get go. We also had alot in common. We both were into our children which my husband is not a real “kids” kind of guy. Both of us coached our children in sports, both of us presidents of our own company, both of us middle children in big families, Italian Catholic school kids , same major in college. We knew each others children mainly by what we communicated but we both did meet each others children once and we both watched each others kids in sports. My husband is a very caring person and I think more adoring of me than my lover was. My lover tended to be more self absorbed . He was able to put me in a compartment when he needed to (most likely when the heat was on) and that was devastating to me. It really did become his undoing at the end and was the wake up call I needed. I do want to grow old with my hub and I appreciate how he is always there for me. I couldn’t ask for a better husband. I know I could never abandon him. It is so complicated but you are right they both fill different needs. I talked to a counselor. She feels both my lover and I have more in common with each other than we do with our spouses. She isn’t sure giving him up is the right thing to do since I was generally happier with him in my life. Shocking advice since she is Catholic. Stopped seeing her! Basically my friends and sisters have been a big support system for me. They kn0w both of them and believe it or not have an attachment to both as well. Their main worry always was that I would get caught and ruin my marriage so they are glad this has ended. They do understand my angst in making this decision but I think I hide from them the fact that even though it is two years later I am still in turmoil. It is embarrassing to admit that to anyone. I feel like an obsession case. I’m sure it is not helping that I take his calls here and there. I also have to hear from him how his marriage is worse than ever with me out of the picture. None of it helps! If I could just conquer the no contact thing!!
Alecia
04. Apr, 2011
There is no fine line. Love is selfless, addiction is not. Love is about others, addiction is about getting what you want for yourself. When you get emeshed in an affair it is incredibly hard to see the line and recognize the difference. I can imagine that what you are going through is agonizing. It reminds me of what a friend said once when encouraging others to not have affairs or even go down the road towards them. She said, “visualize the destruction.” Not just for you, but for your marriage, your family, your children, the OM’s family and marriage, his relationship w/ his children, your job, your reputation, your legacy…those are all excellent reasons to keep telling yourself the truth about your situation and working on healing your heart.
Beth D
04. Apr, 2011
Alecia I just recently had to give that advice to a friend. I told her it may feel like the most exciting thing happening in your life but please don’t do this. It will be out of your control very quickly. It is the most dangerous game you will ever play. Interesting how you mentioned the OM wife. She became my enemy. I started to hate her and I am not that type of person. She was trying to gain control over him at the end and it worked. My rational side admires her for fighting. She did the right thing which was to let my OM know she wasn’t playing games anymore. She would kick his butt out, would go after his business and financially he would be in a much different position. Good move. But of course i hated her for it as wrong as that is. Your emotions take over in an affair and all rational thinking goes out the window. I know now that she must have gone through hell with him and I do feel bad. Truthfully I don’t understand staying under those conditions. I truly hope he tries with her and leaves me alone. Living this life with a spouse that is devoid of love had to be awful for her. I did not have that with my husband. We get along and he had no clue. It is crazy but I have a good marriage. I think my OM was jealous of the fact that I truly adore my husband even though he knew my passion was for him. It also crushed his future dreams of wanting to be with me eventually. I made no bones about the fact that I was never leaving no matter what. It makes me strong to hear the other side of the coin and the damage it caused for you. I am sorry you had to go through this. Beth
Alecia
04. Apr, 2011
You know what I told my husband when we were going through this? “Any two people can be happy together. Its a choice. You might feel like you have something special with her but believe me you don’t. Eventually reality will set in and you’ll realize that your relationship is just like all the other relationships you’ve had in your life.” The idea that we have a “soul mate” out there, to us, is a crock. Soul mates are created. Over time. They are also someone you have a deep connection with on all levels: body, mind and spirit. Even if you don’t feel like your spouse is your soul mate right now, you can still work at creating an environment in which you both become each others soul mates.
sara
14. Dec, 2011
I have really enjoyed everyones comments. It has made me
view my situation very differently.
PTY
04. Apr, 2011
Beth D: Don’t sell your husband (or yourself) short. You seem to love your husband, but don’t have a lot of passion. You may want to think through why. Were you passionate with the other man because of who he was, or you who you were with him? We sometimes get so caught up in our “roles” as parent, spouse, etc, we can box our spouses in. Maybe you need to look at your husband as your “boy toy” once in a while. Sort of silly, I know, but sometimes our expectations drive our results. Just something to think about.
Beth D
04. Apr, 2011
My OM is 20 years younger than my husband. My hub 10 yrs older, my OM 10 years younger. Hate to admit it but besides the newness factor, physical attraction plays a role in the passion area. We are talking about 6 pac abs here vs slight pop belly. Sounds shallow but it is what it is. My husband though looks good for his age and certainly not in bad shape but physically hard to compete with a man 20 years younger. He shouldn’t have to. He is a better man and I know this in my heart. Passion isn’t everything although it is certainly was a compelling force in my choice to stray. I just need to accept that I need to give that up to maintain my sanity.
Beth D
19. May, 2011
I think he was kind to her. There just was nothing between them. In retrospect I think he was trying to justify his cheating to me. Mine was due to medical problems with my husband that took our sex life away. So he wanted me to know he was in a cold marriage. Do I think that is her fault? No and the longer I am away from him the more I think he was a big contributor as well. I think one of the things that bonds you is complaining about your spouses. It is a weird thing. Maybe we were both trying to justify a wrong thing. It just felt so good and it hurt so much every time we tried to walk away. This time I am doing well and no contact was the way to go. No friendship, nothing. I put a stop to it all and I am doing well.
c
20. Aug, 2011
My husband cheated with his coworker who is also married but with children. I have read all your responses and I can say I was shocked that some were suggesting the wife is partly to blame because there were problems in the marriage. EVERY marriage have problems, it is up to both to make sure they make it work. Cheaters didn’t do it just because they were unhappy, they cheat because they wanted to and feel entitle to a little something on the side. I am divorcing my husband and he was shocked, it never occurred to him I would walk away. Ever since he’s been following me around like a dog. The fact I refuse to let him get away with his error made him respect me. The truth is his relationship with the OW won’t last, she won’t leave her husband and kids and he will find himself alone at 40. When reality sets in and they no longer have the excitement of secrecy, she will see his flaws (since the cheater always rationalize their behavior by blaming the wife) because he won’t be on best behavior anymore and leave him. The best chance for the wife to keep the husband is to kick him out of the house and make him realize what he gave up for the OW. That will drive a wedge in their relationship because he will always look at her and think he lost a good woman because of her. Ladies, hold your head up high, act with dignity and make him realize YOU ARE the better woman. In my case I don’t want my husband back but if you do, this is how you get him back.
K
21. Sep, 2011
I found out last month that my H was having an affair. He is 36, she is 25. Aug 23 I had a Terrible nightmare that my H was cheating on me. I went into his email and found proof that he WAS. Strange, according to him that night was the first time they had sex. He met her Aug, 17, slept with her Aug, 23, them moved in with her a few days later. I should mention that he started a new job Aug, 1 3 hours away. So he was staying with a friend during the week, and driving home on the weekends. Yes, the marriage was in bad shape. I just didn’t think that this would ever happen. The weekend after I found out we spoke about the situation. He told me that he didn’t think he loved me anymore. That he and this girl were perfect for each other “two sides of the same coin” they communicated the same way, and that he fell in love with her in two days! Weeks later he now says, that he is not sure of his feelings for her anymore, that he is still in love with me. That he has always loved me, and that he needs time to make the new me a reality in his mind. That the old memories of him and I are still too strong. That he needs to be sure what path will bring him true happiness. He’s 90% sure he will come back to us, but he needs time to decide. He doesn’t know how much time however. He is having sex with both of us. We have amazing sex now. Even though the pain of knowing he is with someone else during the week is most painful for me. I’m trying to do the very best I can to not think about her, and just enjoy the little time we have together as husband and wife, as a family. It does not benefit either of us to discuss that situation right now. I tried, he became short, and irritated. So I dropped it, and haven’t brought it up since. He has said in the past that he does not sleep well while he is there, but does while he is here. I’m not sure what that means? I am willing to suffer through this for as long as I can. I’ve made some very posative changes recently. They will either benefit my marriage, or benefit my new life without him. At this point? I honestly don’t know what is going to happen. It’s all still very new, and I am trying to be as rational as I can about it all. We have three children under the age of 8, and a TON of debt. He has admitted that he has not thought through what would really happen if we got a divorce. All I know is that I love him, I love our children, and I want our marriage to survive this, but I can’t do this forever.
Jennie
23. Oct, 2011
This has been very helpful for me. I have been married for only 4 years. In those 4 i have had 2 children. I discovered my H was having an affair when i was 2 months pregnant with my second. I confronted him and he denied it. A month later he left me for 5 terrible weeks. Then came back to work on the relationship. He still would not come clean about his affair so we could not work on our relationship. To top it off, I started going into preterm labor and was put on bed rest for the last 4 months of my pregnancy. Very sad and stressful times.
I was always in fear that he would leave when i had the baby.
He left me when the baby was 10 weeks old. Still not telling me about the affair. He has been moved out for 6 months now and everything has come out.
He met another married woman at work with 2 children of her own, he is in love with her and is not coming back. Now she has left her family to be with him.
Understanding the dynamics of what their relationship is built on has helped.
I truly want him to come back, but i feel like i just need to give up and not speak to him.
I can tell he is still trying to maintain a “friendship?” with me but it is so painful i dont think i can.
I have been exercising and i am in even better shape then when we first met. I am thinking of going back to school. My kids are the center of my universe. Ive been going to therapy to work on the issues i have that contributed to the breakdown of my marriage since he left 6 months ago.
Where do i go from here with him?
I am not sure if i should give up and just let the cookie crumble as it should. I feel like eventually we would have some major flirtation going on but should i feed into that?
Laura
09. Nov, 2011
My husband is having an affair with another woman. I found out 3 wks ago because he had been acting suspicious. So I asked him. And he admitted to meeting the other woman at a club. He loves to dance. I was stupid enough to let him go have fun by himself. I trusted him 100%. Our marriage was in trouble before the affair. He says he tried so many times to fix the marriage. I know he did. And I didnt do anything about it. Its too late now for me to fix anything. I admit my faults, but it takes two people for a marriage to make it work or not work. Isnt that right?Even though I know I am responsible for not working on my marriage when I needed to. I am deeply hurt by his actions. He has always been a great husband and father.But since he left my daughter and I. Hes a completely different person. He hurts me every chance he gets. He says he doesnt love me, he doesnt want to hurt me. Hes hardly sees his daughter anymore. His mind and body are in another place. He has lost touch with reality. Just like some people said on their comments. Hes acting like a teenager. Its ridiculous. I realize hes not worth fighting for. I hurts my heart that someone you love can hurt you so much. I know I have to get on with my life, but is is so hard and painful when I see my 2 yr old baby suffering as well. Because she hardly sees her dad anymore. He is so selfish now. I want to be strong for me .I know that if I am okay my daughter will be too. I know I have to hurt before I can get better. ANYADVICE??
Jules
24. Nov, 2011
We have been married 24 years, together 27 years and have 3 sons who are 18 and up. My husband began acting very distant 1 1/2 years ago and even though I asked what was up, he always said “nothing”. On a trip over a year ago he told me “I love you but I am not in love with you”. I asked what he meant and he just cried and when I would ask again, he would say, oh it was nothing. Yet he continued to pull away from me and our boys. We went to Hawaii a year ago and I could feel his distance however we were intimate every day and night. Came home and again felt the distance. Dec. 2010 someone from our gym told me to watch out for Ji- – , she looks like she is after your husband. I confronted him and he flat out denied it. Fast forward to May 2011 and he confessed after I just had it one day and was really upset. The shock, hurt, anger was and is something I had never experienced. This all happened in the midst of our middle sons college graduation, our youngest sons high school graduation and our older son flying in with his girlfriend (who is now his fiance) so we could meet her. During all this I had to pretend when my life was in turmoil. I had to endure his comments about our horrible marriage, everything I did wrong, how she taught him what a real relationship was like (she is married too with 3 children), blah, blah, blah. We separated in June and 3 1/2 weeks later he asked to move home to work on our marriage. Well caught him in more lies, they continued seeing each other, I finally found out who it was with after I located their secret pay as you go phone.
Yep it was Ji – - from our gym, made me sick. They ended it several times only to have one of them start it up again. They were not seeing each other or having sex but managed to have short conversations at the gym, she even sent messages via other gym members to my husband.
So in Sept,. things started to turn around for us, we became intimate again, started doing more but he still refused to go the couples therapy or individual therapy. He would have sullen moments and pull away and then try to pull me back in. It does and feels like I am on a roller coaster. He finally began therapy in late October and we have gone downhill from there. He actually told me he is undecided, to him she is perfect and I have flaws that I brought to the marriage. Yet when I offered him out of our marriage he did not want that. He is conflicted and confused and can be downright verbally cruel to me at times. I have shut down and pulled away. I am back in individual therapy and am beginning a 12 week on line Harboring Hope program. I have developed terrible anxiety and am now taking Ativan and started SamE, a natural antidepressant. I have lost 24 pounds and discovered working out, which I do 5 days a week. It is horrible as we all belong to the same gym and every once in a while I see her. I did call her husband and told him what I knew in Sept., he does not want to talk to me or have any contact. In Sept. according to my husband she once again reached out to him asking him to commit to her in the future, her twins graduate from high school in June 2012 and she is staying in her marriage until then. I could not believe he was telling me this.
My husband is full of self pity and acts depressed and unhappy. Of course that is my fault. I have been told to hang on, he just began therapy and it is going to be painful and rough. Horribly I found a list of me compared to her this therapist helped with, I don’t rate and he actually lied about me. He said I don’t like to do anything, I am depressed, boring in bed, etc…. He is the one who has battled depression and I was always the one to make all our social plans, he never has and our sex life when we had it was great!
I am trying so hard to hold on but I am very lonely. I have great friends and family who are so supportive. But I am so ready to be off this roller coaster. I don’t talk to him now other than family stuff, finances, etc… We have stopped all intimacy, which I miss. I know he misses the sex because 9 days ago he followed me all over the house and grabbed me, asking me to ravish him. Only for him to treat me coldly the next day, so I am done.
It is hard to think about giving up on 27 years together, our family, our home and all we have built up.
I could use suggestions, tips on talking to him, etc…
Notoverit
25. Nov, 2011
Whew! Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too. I am sincerely of the opinion that you need to tell him that before anything in the marriage can heal, he has to maintain NO CONTACT with the OW. Quit that gym, both of you, and find another one. He sounds like he is still in the affair fog – read about it on this blog. He is addicted to this woman and only quitting the “drug” will let him see you for the wonderful, loving wife you have always been. My second piece of advice is to work on yourself without any thought of his needs or wants. Pull yourself up and take care of you!
I think I have found that until the H is ready to listen, it is USELESS to talk to him. Your H sounds like he is not ready to listen to you about your pain and hurt. He’s still waaay to into himself. Back off and let him deal with the therapist (I am hoping he found a good one – bad ones can do more harm than good). You deal with your issues and start working on making yourself happy! And read different blogs on this site to help you understand what you are going through and that you are not to blame! Wishing you good luck and keep posting on this site to get any advice you need. There are lots of very smart people on here who will help you.
Anita
25. Nov, 2011
Jules,
I am sorry for the hard time you are going through.
When I went through my own ordeal I prayed and gave it over to God.
God gives people their own free will, so we do not have control over what other people do. God asks us to forgive them, but to put our trust in Him. God has a perfect plan for your life, but its up to you to go to God.
I can not give you advice on what you should do in reguards to your marriage, but I can give the best advice, of telling you to pray about it.
Anita
25. Nov, 2011
Jules,
By praying and understanding what God wants for you, can only come from Him. I have often heard the saying “go to the throne, instead of the phone.”
In my situtation, everyone had their own idea of what I should do, and the advise I got to so conflicting, it was ridiculous.
By praying, I found that internal peace that God, gives. He will
work everthing for our good, if we trust him.
I live each day by renewing my mind, to his word.
We are humans that only see a piece of the puzzle, God has the whole picture.
Notoverit
25. Nov, 2011
Hey Anita, you are right about giving the problems to God but I also believe that God helps those who help themselves. You still have to do what you must to help yourself in this morass of problems. Pray to God for the strength to understand and to know what to do. Then help yourself by doing what you must.
tiffyk
22. Jan, 2012
I was with my boyfriend for 6 years. We grew apart in a matter of a cpl months. I went away for a trip with my daughter and while I was gone met up with some chick from work and slept with her. He told me when I got back a week later. Then said he was leaving me for her. They have been together for 1 month now. She’s all over his facebook telling him how she loves her and says they are getting married. He says that he’s been missing something from me and now he found it in her. I know that he still loves me because he tells me that he does and that I will always be in his life forever but he’s still with her. I have talked to other ppl that have gone through similiar situations but it just seems hopeless. I want him back because we had a great relationship except for the last cpl months of hell. I read the statistics and says less than 1 in a 100 survive a relationship based off of cheating. I have read books, went a psychic, and even begged him to come back. He says he doesn’t know what the future has to hold but for now he’s happy. I feel devestated but I am taking baby steps everyday so that I can heal myself. I am hoping one day he’ll be at my front door and say baby Im sorry what was I thinking or karma to take hold. I know everything happens for a reason so I am just hoping that I can find that reason soon. Thanks for this blog its helped me a lot!!
Briana
01. Mar, 2012
This blogging has made me think a lot… I have been cheating going on 11years now, I’m married with two kids, and this is what troubles me, I found a great husband who loves me very much, but this other I have been seeing has also got a wife and one child. Since the first day we met, had been trying my best to forget him and have no contact, but sme way or another we just end up connected, when we are together it is amazon, but I’m tired of doing this and tired of the guilt that comes with it…… Because we are heavily involved, it would make it easier if my affair guy said he had no feelings for me, and did not want to see me… But unfortunately it’s always the opposite. I’m seeing him again today…and all I want to do is be with him, but after reading these articles, it has become so much clearer to me that I have to end this…. I just need ways t do it, without upsetting him… And I also want it to be mutual… I was thinking of maybe saying that something on my end has happened, and cannot see him again…. I really want my marriage to work….desperate to end this… What happens is that we would stop contacting for 3-4months, but somehow we either bump into each other, or somehow fb msgs, even though he’s not a friend he can sill msg…. It’s so easy t get connected…then those feelings come back up, and the want t see each other builds up so much, that no matter how you go through your day to day, he’s on my mind constantly, the same for him, then we eventually give in, and MSG each other….I have a sad life, it’s good when the other is not in my life, because I know I can make this marriage work…. Time to make a change…. I can do this…. I really do not want t be fire fighting…. Thank you for this topic and articles, it’s an eye opener for me.
Beth D
02. Mar, 2012
Brianna I had a similar situation and mine lasted over 10 years as well. I can finally smile and say it is over but it was the biggest battle I have ever fought in my life. We keep waiting for something to happen like getting caught or the OP disappointing us. Sometimes that doesn’t happen. I know it is possible to love two people based on what I went through but your spouse is not getting a fair deal. I rationalized so much that what didn’t hurt my spouse couldn’t be so bad but now that the other person is out of my life my marriage is so much better. I thank God every day that my hub never found out. My marriage would have been over and I would have regretted it every day of the rest of my life. Please do it now. Your husband deserves so much more than this. Noone has been hurt yet and you can both concentrate on your marriage. Hate to say it but the only way is to just tell him, and then no contact. You can’t break at all. Look I still struggle if I get a call here and there or text message. It is three years and I still think of him every day but it gets less and less. Pray, pray, pray and keep busy. Fill your life with wholesome things. You will get an intangant that you will never have as long as you are with him. Peace Good luck
Lynne
02. Mar, 2012
Briana & Beth D-
I hope for both of your sakes that you have been to counseling to work on yourselves and why you would choose this for over 10+ years. Really, I don’t say this to cast stones, but to deceive your H’s for this long is truly egregious!!! I hope you can even begin to imagine what it might be like to discover that your own husbands had done this same thing for such a significant part of your marriage.
We all make mistakes, but over 10 years of deception is more than a minor mistake in judgement. I hope for all involved you will make your marriage your ONLY priority, or to leave if you cannot–I really, really feel for your husbands!
Beth D
03. Mar, 2012
Do not judge lest ye be judged…..you cannot possibly understand it unless you have been there. Brianna is coming on here for help not to be lectured ms self rightous. There are numerous reasons a person can get into this situation none of which a closed minded person can understand. I know affairs that have lasted well over 20 years until the death of one of them. Most of the times it lasts because both are married, missing something in their marriage and the other person fulfills it. It is not right…noone can justify it but it happens and once you are in it, it is one of the worst addictions you can have. I know now I was addicted to my lover both physically and emotionally. It was not this great love affair I made it out to be in my mind. It took me years to figure it out but once I did I knew the only way out was no contact much like a drug addict or alchoholic must never touch drugs or alchohol again. Don’t feel for my husband. He is very happy and my marriage is better than ever. I do however feel grateful that he never found out. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
PTY
04. Mar, 2012
Beth D–first, as the husband of a cheating wife, I am not sure what was said was all that self-righteous. Second, I question those who try to excuse their behavior on the basis that “something was missing”, or that “their needs were not being met”, as to whether they truly and I mean truly, did everything they could to address those problems within the marriage. Oh, I am sure there was a lot of criticism, nagging, etc, but I doubt whether most of these folks made any effort to change themselves. I am sure I disappointed my wife plenty, but the question is whether that was due to my failures, or her unrealistic expectations.
You are right, I cannot know all the facts of your case. But there appears to be a pattern to this, and based upon what you have said, you are fitting that pattern. May be you are the exception to the rule.
And yes, we should feel for your husband.
Beth D
05. Mar, 2012
First of all your reading comprehension needs work PTY. I clearly stated in my post that there is no justifying. You missed the entire point of my post. The point was Brielle came here for help….not to be judged. I have a feeling I know what your wife was missing in your marriage. Again don’t feel sorry for my husband. He is a happy man. You sir clearly are not.
Michael
05. Mar, 2012
This got ugly fast.
I can relate to both sides of this and I don’t think it helps any of us on here to banter back and forth about who is smarter or how we feel for someones spouse.
Beth,
I do sometimes wish that I would have never found out. And who’s to say if I would have changed at all if my wife would have asked me to without it.
During her affair two years ago I also did find out that she had been corresponding with her ex-husband during our 13 years together. Even if everything was not an affair it was deception. And It sounds as if you understand that.
I understand that, but not everyone does.
We see those “something missing, not fulfilling” words and it triggers emotions in people who are still struggling with it and you must understand that some of what’s said is what your husband may have said if you told him.
We are all on here for support and to be safe to say how we feel including you and PTY.
Saying that you understand what his wife may have been missing in his relationship was a stab directed to him. You should know, it wasn’t his choice that she had an affair. It was hers.
I would ask everyone to try and keep this a safe place for all.
blueskyabove
05. Mar, 2012
Michael – I agree this got ugly, but I disagree that it has been fast. I’d say it has been building for quite a while – weeks if not months. The CSs have been taking jabs at the betrayed spouses without having to face any consequences for quite a while. They always couch their comments under the guise of being remorseful, begging to be given a chance to speak as if we had any actual say in the matter.
Lynne – Let me say how sorry I am that I have not responded while you have been repeatedly attacked by at least four different CSs. I have read your apologies and wondered how the CSs can repeatedly talk about how unsafe this blog is while openly attacking you. There isn’t a one of them that would recognize me if I were capable of finding out where they lived and arrived on their doorstep. It is utter manipulation on their part to repeatedly state how unsafe this blog is. If in fact many of their comments are not being posted then they need to take that up with Doug and stop blaming us.
Beth D – Your response to PTY was uncalled for. Your response to Lynne…let’s dissect that shall we? “Do not judge lest ye be judged…..” Sounds wonderfully noble until one reads your next sentence where you refer to her as “ms self rightous” and then snidely make the remark about “…a closed minded person…” I’m not going to even give you an IMO, IMHO, JMHO. That was judgmental and abusive.
Telling all of us you know people who have had affairs for over 20 years was simply rationalizing and justifying your own affair. If you didn’t intend to justify it then you wouldn’t have told us about them. Don’t bother to tell me how I missed the point of your comment. I didn’t. You might want to read up on human behavior. If you want to be given any credibility whatsoever then you are going to have earn it.
Sidney – Your remark “Also, I knew when I wrote the ‘didn’t want to be rude’ thing, that I was opening myself up to being trashed.” YOU were the one that chose to make that statement. You didn’t have to make it, you chose to make. Now you want to blame someone else for what you perceive as being trashed. GEEZ! Lynne did not trash you. Is she not allowed an opinion?
All BSs – You are kidding yourselves if you think you are actually getting anything worthwhile from most of the cheaters on here. Do you honestly believe that someone who is admittedly 3 weeks out has their head on their shoulders yet? They aren’t any wiser or more forthcoming than your spouses and chances are they won’t be for at least two or more years. You are being used by them. There is no doubt in my mind that the CSs have figured out that most BSs are so hungry for information that they will literally kowtow to them. The Cheating Spouses have gotten absolutely brazen and no one seems to want to call them on it. They don’t scare me.
PTY
05. Mar, 2012
dropping my molotov cocktail
Jules
05. Mar, 2012
This has been interesting to read and follow. My story is like many others, my husband confessed to his emotional affair that had turned physical last May, 2011. Then he proceeded to blame me, the marriage, blah, blah, blah. This was devastating to hear after 24 years of marriage, raising 3 boys and finally getting the time to really re-connect with my husband. I heard it all, I was not meeting his needs, I was not there enough, etc.. Bottom line, my husband according to his words ” I am pretty fu- – ed up in the head”. But yet he still want to blame anything or anyone versus really looking deep within himself. Happiness comes from within and why would he not communicate with me, his wife? Well because now I know it is NOT me, it is all him.
Where has this gotten him? 7 weeks ago I told him to pack a bag and leave, took him 9 hours and he then told me I did not care about him. I did it because I do but I love myself more and refused to spend one more day with a husband not willing to do any hard work on himself and be responsible for his own recovery. Our youngest son told me he did not like being home because of how his Dad behaved and treated me. I could not allow this man to do this in front of our boys even though they are 18, 24 and 27. My husband is afraid of people knowing, his own sons are very angry at him and our oldest refuses to have anything to do with him including not wanting his own Dad at his wedding. So fast forward to today and I am moving forward with my recovery and I am still doing the hard work. It feels so good to feel good about myself again, therapy has helped me a lot!
Unless you are the BS you can never understand what this does to your spouse. I did not until it happened to me. I have apologized to a dear friend who went through this 16 years ago. I felt horrible that I could not understand how she could not easily kick her husband out and divorce him. Now I do and I am one of those who is very compassionate and forgiving. But also know we are all responsibility for our own behavior, period! If you feel you must cheat, be honest with your partner and leave first. What this does to families, friends and communities is devastating and yes it hurts not just the spouses, but everyone else you are close too.
So 1o months from D-Day for me and I am no longer pretending or quiet. If asked I talk and keep it brief. I finally said something to the married OW in the parking lot of our gym. Just that I know everything including all her recent contact and that I was done with her and being silent. Then I walked off and she put her car in reverse and hit me. This was witnessed and they came forward and I did file a Police Incident report. So now the affair is on a public record. I am ok but know now that she is not stable at all and very afraid of others knowing too. See how 2 people can make a nightmare and I for one am getting out of that nightmare.
Doug
05. Mar, 2012
Guys, Geez, can’t we all just get along??? I certainly understand that there are a lot of emotions from both sides of the coin regarding this highly sensitive issue.
However, there is no question that we can learn a lot from each other. I know this first hand because I have learned so much from many of the BS who have commented on this site. And I know Linda has learned a lot from the CS as well.
We may not always like what we here but there is no reason why that should cause us to react in a hateful manner. A good old fashion debate is certainly welcome.
We’re all here for the same basic reasons – and I don’t think it’s for the purpose of being confrontational and hateful. I would think that healing would be the ultimate goal for each of us.
As Michael has stated, we need to keep this a safe place for everyone involved.
Also, I was unaware that it seems that there are people that think that their comments are not being posted. I approve 99.9% of the comments that come through and of the almost 12,000 of them , I think I have disallowed 1 of them intentionally. If someone thinks that a comment was not posted, then re-post it as there must have been some sort of a technical issue of some sort or it was labeled as spam for some reason. If it’s labeled as spam through our spam filter, the comment is not read. Too many of those come through for me to even deal with.
To close, we appreciate all of you and thank you all for your contributions.
blueskyabove
05. Mar, 2012
Doug,
I sure wish you had expressed your concern for everyone ‘getting along’ over the last few days when Lynne was being blatantly attacked by 4 CSs. I believe you probably had many opportunities since you monitor the replies. Where were you then?
Maybe you have learned a lot from many of the BSs. Maybe Linda has learned a lot from the CSs as well, but I can say unequivocally that I do not believe I have learned any thing on here from a CS. Maybe it’s because I was already well into this game long before you and Linda even started this blog. And, for the record, I would like to hear from Linda just exactly what she believes she has learned from them.
I disagree with you in that I don’t think we’re all here for the same basic reasons. For the most part I believe the betrayed spouses are looking for guidance in healing themselves and their marriages. If they have no intention of continuing, then they wouldn’t even check out this site. I honestly cannot say the same for the cheating spouses regardless of what some may advocate. I think most of the CSs are more into being accepted than actually healing. I understand you wanting to believe they are here to resurrect their marriages or become the best person they can be, but I do not buy it.
Too many of the cheaters, over the course of this blog, have openly admitted that their spouse doesn’t know about the affair and they have no intention of ever telling them as long as they don’t get caught. Others have regaled us with minute details of their on-going secret affairs while making sure we are aware of how incredible the sex is/was with their affair partner. Still others repeatedly tell us how they sobbed day in and day out for weeks and months over losing their affair partner. Most of them want us to understand how difficult it is for them having to give up their affair partner all the while trying not to puke while having to be around their spouse. If you honestly believe that any of that is helpful for someone who has recently discovered their spouse’s secret affair then you and I are not on the same page. I’m willing to bet the BSs read EVERYTHING that is posted. A great deal of it is downright cruel. There had to be a few new BSs who read a certain CS’s comments today on one of your posts and were incredibly hurt. Is it totally inconceivable for a CS to be considerate of another? I understand they have spent weeks, months and in some cases years being totally selfish, but now they need to be held accountable. IMO that is your job.
I’ve read the same thing too many times, Doug. If we would just understand, just walk a mile in their shoes… What they don’t want to acknowledge is that we don’t want to walk in their shoes, we don’t find it the least bit attractive, and even at our lowest point ,self-esteem-wise, we still aren’t that desperate. Maybe that’s the crux of the matter. Many want to hear from the betrayed spouses (any betrayed spouses except their affair partner’s betrayed spouse) that they really are kind, considerate, decent people who would never, ever have an affair…except that they did have an affair… We are to graciously accept whatever they say (because they didn’t do it to us personally? or because they’re willing to prey upon our insecurities?) and btw – it just happened, it was inevitable. (Admittedly I still need to work on the ‘acceptance’ stage.)
You may very well find me confrontational and hateful, but I refuse to sit back and gloss over these issues. People are not being truthful. People are being hurt and the only way this will ever be a safe place is if you separate the betrayed spouses from the cheating spouses. As it is, there is just too much opportunity to take advantage of vulnerable people without being held accountable . That is my opinion and I guess if you don’t like it then you can always block me.
Doug
06. Mar, 2012
Bluesky, I didn’t see anything that I would consider “blatant attacks” on Lynne. I saw a spirited debate from both sides. I will apologize to her privately if I misread that dialogue in anyway.
The folks that come to this site are all in various stages of recovery. Most I would presume are fairly new into it. You are one of the rare individuals that has more recovery time under her belt. So perhaps you have not learned anything from a CS, but I find that hard to believe. Linda and I actually talked about this last night and she has learned many things from the CS – not all of them good things – but nevertheless she has learned. I’ll let her respond in more detail if she is able to (tough to do while teaching 8 year old kids!).
You may be correct that some CS that comment are looking for acceptance, but more so I think they are looking for guidance and direction and help from other CS and BS. Not everybody’s has the same definition of healing. Perhaps acceptance is healing for some, but I think the majority are looking for more. Also, we’re only seeing a very small part of the whole picture. Understand that only about 1-5% of the people that come to this site on a given day even post a comment and only about 11% are cheaters.
I understand that it’s difficult for the BS to read much of what the CS writes and can cause triggers and anger, but unfortunately that’s the nature of the beast. I don’t think that they do it to intentionally to cause pain for other BS. I fully believe that even though the words the CS writes can be painful, they can also provide a valuable learning experience for the BS, as it gives them a window into the brain of a cheater. A window that many times their own spouse is not opening. And the same goes the other way. If by reading the comments made by the BS they cannot see the horrific pain and hurt they have caused, then they are just plain dumb and there is not hope for them or their marriage anyways.
The blog will never separate the cheaters from the betrayed through the comment section. However, once the healing section opens and we have a forum, there will be separate forums for each. I understand your feeling the way you do, I really do, and I appreciate all of your contributions. I’ve never blocked anyone just because we held opposing viewpoints (even Marie) and I do not intend to. Thanks again!
Lynne
05. Mar, 2012
We are all imperfect in some way–but hopefully we are all here to learn and grow. I agree that this needs to be a safe place, an outlet, a place to share experiences from both sides. I think when a CS throws out some of the statements like the ones above, you have to know that you are potentially opening yourself up for some backlash. And for CS comments here from those who haven’t been honest with their spouse, this might be a better place to learn than anything else. Since your spouse does not know of your lengthy affair, I’m not sure that you can truly understand what we’re experiencing (you may have some level of empathy for us, but you are not living in this same hell with your H). You dodged a bullet that we did not!
And for me, I do feel badly for ANY spouse who has not been told the truth. I’m a big believer in free will–and to make decisions about our own lives and well being, we need the information that allows us to make those informed decisions. To hold back vital information deprives us of the right to decide what life path is right for us. So yes, I had a bit of a reaction to this, as I would on any topic where people are being deceptive and dishonest–secrets keep people sick and cause serious harm in the end.
Paula
05. Mar, 2012
Thank you all, especially Lynne and bluesky. It needs to be a safe place, and yes, there are big emotions, but listening is even more useful than talking (and that comes from a BIG talker!) I agree wth your comments about some CSs needing to own their “stuff” as some here haven’t quite yet, and that these same people do not understand the range of emotions we BSs feel, whilst I appreciate they have their own pain, it is different, not a contest, but it is different, fullstop. I think most of us think we can empathise with the emotions experienced (I know I did) until it happens to us, you really have little or no idea really. Keep it seemly people, there’s enough negative stuff to deal with without getting more here! Thanks Doug
Lynne
06. Mar, 2012
I have tough skin, so no worries about the need to defend me–I really didn’t feel attacked. Sometimes we hit a raw nerve in someone and their first reaction is to fire back. Believe me, as a BS, I’ve had my share of firing back at my H!!!
I have a huge appreciation for most CS’s here–their insight has been invaluable. I see that some CS’s are terribly lost and struggling to find their way through this, too. For that, I do have compassion. Perhaps we are better off engaging with those who are trying to grow and learn, while ignoring the occassional off hand remark.
I am grateful for this site and for this community–we all wish we weren’t here, but if we have to be, I am so very appreciative of the support and care I’ve found here.
whyme?
28. Mar, 2012
not sure where to start, my h started an affair about 7 months ago and last month moved out/in with ow. we have been married for 16 yrs – 2nd for both of us and have 1 child between us that is still at home (5 total). i am told this will not last, that my h is going through a midlife crisis – the ow is the same age as our children, does anyone have any thoughts….. not sure what to do, h has broken off all contact – when/if we do have contact i make it a point to be cheerful, short and sweet, etc. try not to chase/pursue h and at this point h says he is not interested in working on marriage. again any thoughts……
atlanticcanadian
12. Apr, 2012
I was left after 21 years for the affair partner. Oh well.
LISA
15. Apr, 2012
My husband left me after 10 years after his 40th birthday. He says there is no other woman, that it is just me. I dont see his phone bills he has them sent to his office. All bank statements are sent to his office and this was before he moved out. Ihave two children and he has completely abandoned us. He takes the kids at weekends and says it is just me he is leaving. I have bipolar but I am medicated and have been for 3 years, I never miss a pill. My doctors are really proud how I am doing but my husband says he still finds it stressful. He went to Spain last year and after that he didnt want to spend an time with me. He was irritable and put me down a lot. He didnt want sex . He wanted to leave Christmas Day to drive a friend somewhere but my instinct said “No” I just knew he wanted to go somewhere to be alone with his phone. He moved out New Years Eve and my kids were gutted. I cant lie. This is the second time he has done this to me. When my oldest son, now 8 was 6 weeks old. This relationship is in Europe (I AM IN US) because he goes there all the time and recently asked me if I was willing to live there with the kids and a few days later he was all jittery and said it was a bad idea or otherwords OW thought it was a bad idea. My ex his absolutely awful to me. He treats me like he wants to wipe me from his shoe. It’s horrible and demoralizing. I try to stay strong and if it wasn’t for my kids and my faithfulness to my medication i think i would fall apart. I just don’t understand the anger he has towards me. You would think I had left him. The nicer I am to him the more awful he becomes. He does things to wind me up and it doesnt land with me, although sometimes I have had moments where I have told him to go fuck himself. I’m no saint. The OW is a huge influence in his life. My ex is saying things that just dont ring true. he just doesnt talk like that. He is exceptionally needy and I have been carrying him and his emotional toxins for over a decade. I am married however, you take the rough with the smooth and I cant deny I miss his cooking. Of course the marriage had problems. Sexual ones. He basically has mommy issues and a woman who marries him, I am his second wife, takes on the role of mommy and he cant sleep with her. I cant help wonder about the amazing time they’re having together in Europe pretending me and my kids dont exist. Hand in hand at farmer markets, making love till the birds twitter. It’s so hard. I suggested marriage counselling and he said no. Later he told and very recently he wishes he had never met me, he wishes I would just vanish from his life. I dont want you anymore he screamed. You’re nothing to me. You can imagine how I am feeling. Had to remind him we had kids together and it was unlikely I was going to vanish any day soon. I shouldnt care how long the relationship will last. I’m not an option. I guess I’m just angry and wondering how long this long distance bullshit will occupy his life before he realizes the things he gave up and for very little.
me
02. May, 2012
How about some statistics or footnotes or references to back up your article
dontwanttogive
02. May, 2012
I kicked my ex out when I found out about the affair. He “religiously” married the affair partner. He isn’t happy with her either.
Oh well, the affair partner can deal with the slaps, pushes shoves and nasty names. Strange though shortly after my ex and I became a couple I found out I was the other woman. Married for 21 years. He stared cheating after 8.