I wanted to continue just a bit from my post from last Thursday.  The main theme of that post dealt with the affair addiction and today I’m going to touch on a process for getting the cheater to stay off of their “drug” of choice – their emotional affair.

I’m going to refer once again to one of our favorite authors, Dave Carder in his book, “Torn Asunder.”

As I mentioned, breaking free from the addiction of an emotional affair is a process and Mr. Carder’s process has six components:

Separation.  Abstinence and sobriety are the primary elements that must be emphasized.  Don’t get your fix by being in the affair partner’s presence and don’t share anymore of your life’s experiences with this person.  Mr. Carder says it best… “The contact is what keeps these feelings alive; you need to stop feeding the compulsion.”

Identification.  The cheater in most cases cannot just bury their feelings for the other person, so Carder maintains that the cheater must somehow discover just what needs the other person was meeting.  What did that person touch inside of them?  It’s interesting to note that Carder feels that most of the time, these unmet needs go back to their childhood and the cheater brings them into the marriage.  They are usually met during the initial stages of the relationship with the spouse, but tend to get buried over time due to life taking over.

Exposure.  The cheater cannot keep their longings and feelings a secret.  If so, he/she will only start to idealize the affair partner and the result is that this person becomes perfect and no one else can measure up.  “The [affair] partner is beginning to be seen as “all good,” and therefore the infidel will have to see the marriage as “all bad.”

Journal.  The cheater needs to write down his/her feelings so as to break the influence of their secrecy.  Since these feelings are often carried forward from childhood, journaling brings them into the adult realm.

Displacement.  Do something other than focusing on the affair partner.  Exercise, take on a hobby, get involved in spiritual development, meditate, etc.  Do something to occupy your mind.  This element should be done in tandem with the others in the process.

Grieve.  When the affair ends, the cheater could experience depression.  This can be hard for the betrayed spouse to understand, though it is important and necessary.  It’s also a good time for the cheater to review other situations in his/her past where something (or someone) significant was lost and the resulting feelings were similar.  Carder cautions however, that the depression or grieving is not about what the cheater feels for the affair partner, but just what they are feeling, period. So keep the affair partner out of the equation. He says that “…it will make it easier for your spouse to listen to your feelings, and easier for you to connect with the feelings in your heart that need processing.”

It is possible with lots of time and lots of self-discovery to rebuild your marriage after an emotional affair has been discovered.  Progress will eventually come if you work through this process.   I like what Carder says when he writes: “This is the kind of stuff emotional intimacy is built on, and that is the key to any good marriage.”

Related posts:

1. Don’t Put Up With the Affair Addiction Anymore
2. Dave Carder on Why Men Stay After an Affair
3. Marital Infidelity—an Addiction
4. Having an Affair Within Your Marriage
5. I’m Finished Competing With The Emotional Affair

Getting ‘Unhooked’ from the Emotional Affair Addiction

Recently, we’ve been mentoring and communicating with several betrayed spouses who are going through some difficult times to say the least.  Two primary issues are common with almost every case.  Either their spouses do not want to let go of their affair partners and are leaving to be with them to see if it was meant to be.  Or, the cheater has stopped contact but is having a very difficult time letting go of their affair partners – not so much from the standpoint of continuing their affair, but more so from the standpoint that they cannot control or stop their thoughts and feelings towards their affair partners.

The first phrase that comes to my mind when I hear these stories is “affair addiction.”   Linda even said the same thing the other night while discussing a person’s situation.

Whether their affair addiction is due to the other person, the feelings that they experienced, sex, love or whatever, they are having a rough time letting go.  And until they can do so, recovering and healing from the affair hit a dead end.

Another thing to keep in mind is that even if it’s ‘only’ their thoughts and feelings that are continuing to be an issue, there could potentially be further contact with the other person at some point in the future, as they need to “get a fix” – if you will.  This does nothing but start the affair all over again.

The more of these stories that we are exposed to, the more Linda and I feel that taking a tough stance against the cheater is the appropriate thing to do.  Not necessarily in all cases, but certainly a large percentage of them.

It’s quite shocking at times to hear the behavior that cheaters stoop to while in the “affair fog,” and yet many betrayed spouses put up with it out of love, commitment and fear of rocking the boat.

Hell, I did some of the same crap to Linda three years ago and I know that if she would have taken a harder line with me from the get go, the fog would have lifted and I would have got my head out of my ass much faster.

The Affair Addiction

Dr. Willard Harley, author of “Surviving an Affair” (which we highly recommend) states the following:

“My experience helping couples recover from infidelity has taught me that any contact between the unfaithful spouse and the lover ruins reconciliation. Even casual contact prevents completion of withdrawal from the addiction of an affair. Since an affair is usually an addiction, the only way to fully recover is to permanently separate the unfaithful spouse (the addict) from the lover (the source of the addiction). But even in the very few cases when an affair is not an addiction, total separation of the spouse and lover is a necessary act of consideration for the feelings of the betrayed spouse. It’s the very least a wayward spouse can do to compensate for the suffering caused by the affair. Continued contact with a lover simply perpetuates the suffering of the betrayed spouse indefinitely.

It’s been my experience that without total separation, mutual love cannot be restored, resentment cannot be overcome and protection from the threat of another affair cannot be guaranteed. So when I counsel couples who want to reconcile after an affair, I insist on total separation of the unfaithful spouse and the lover with extraordinary precautions to guarantee that they never see or talk to each other again.”

Lorna Hochstein, Ph.D. describes a love addict as someone…

“…who substitutes an unhealthy and mood altering relationship with a process (i.e. relationship) for a healthy, life giving relationship with another person. An addict is a person who puts this unhealthy relationship at center of her life. This relationship with a mood altering process is an addiction. My own rule of thumb is that a person is addicted to a relationship if being in that relationship had clear negative effects on her life and she continues in the relationship regardless of the effects.”

Sound familiar?

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous has a 40-question self-diagnosis aimed at possible sex and love addition.  You might want to have your spouse take the test (or take it yourself if you are the cheater).  Some of the questions included are the following:

• Do you feel that your life would have no meaning without a love relationship?

• Do you find yourself in a relationship you cannot end?

• Do you ever find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

• Have you ever tried to control how often you would see someone?

• Do you feel your love life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?

• Do you find you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

Treating Affair Addiction

When I think of treating an addiction, I think of 12-step programs.  So I did some Googling and found that there are 12-step programs for every addiction imaginable and they are all based around the 12-steps that were originally introduced in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How More Than One Hundred Men Have Recovered from Alcoholism in 1939.

As summarized by the American Psychological Association, the process involves the following:

• admitting that one cannot control one’s addiction or compulsion

• recognizing a higher power that can give strength

• examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member)

• making amends for these errors

• learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior

• helping others who suffer from the same addictions or compulsions

You can find the original Alcoholics Anonymous 12-steps here.  I personally like a more updated version that I found a little better, and you can download a PDF version to read or show to your spouse if you wish.  Hopefully you can find these beneficial in your own circumstances.

In treating an addiction, I think that it is also helpful to understand the cheater’s process for getting into and out of their affair in the first place.  In the book “Torn Asunder,” author Dave Carder provides us with the following four infidelity phases:

• Growing mutual attraction

• Emotional and sexual entanglement

• Destabilization of the affair

• Disclosure and resolution

For a detailed explanation of these phases click here.

Linda wrote a post about these phases and how I acted. You can read it by clicking here.

Click here for a post that talks about how to get them to end their affair.

The phase that I find most interesting and might be the cause for cheaters to have such a hard time letting go of their “drug of choice” – the affair partner – is the destabilization phase.   I have a feeling that most affairs are discovered during this phase which might contribute to the on-going thoughts, feelings and potential contacting of the affair partner.

During the destabilization stage, the fear of being caught fuels the urgency to get out of the affair. Though on the outside the affair looks like it may fall apart, in reality it is being stabilized.

Carder explains that one partner may call it off, and after some time will call to see how the other is doing and immediately the affair starts up again. This on again – off again pattern makes the affair almost impossible to end on its own.  The separation/togetherness cycle actually intensifies the feelings and guarantees that the affair will not end.  The longer the process goes on, the more powerful the attachment becomes.  They begin to need each other to medicate” the fear, emptiness and new irrational “reality” they now both live in.

Obviously then, this stage can be quite powerful.  If the affair is discovered and quickly ended during this stage, it can be quite difficult for the cheater to suddenly abandon his/her emotional bind (the addiction) with the other person.

If you have ever watched the TV show “Intervention,” then you know that an addict’s behavior affects other people to the point where they just can’t take it anymore and these other people need to step in and try to convince the addict to get help.  There is almost always denial on the addict’s part and most of the time they won’t agree at first to seek help.  But when the other people communicate the consequences to the addict if they refuse help, then the addict almost always agrees to go to rehab.  Sometimes rehab works and sometimes it doesn’t.  Surviving an affair can be much the same way.

After writing this (to me anyways), it seems like I’m all over the place with this post.  If that is the case, I apologize, but I wanted to firstly, give you  some information and resources about affair addiction.  Secondly, I wanted to try and get across my opinion that it’s okay for you to say that you’re just not going to take it anymore.  You don’t deserve to go through the emotional and physical hell while your spouse continues to “get high.”  And quite frankly, you might be to the point where you don’t have anything else to lose anyways.

To end, let me quote from “Surviving an Affair:”

“You may think that after a spouse willfully chooses a lover (over the betrayed spouse), there would be no hope for marital reconciliation, but that’s not true. While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended, reconciliation is definitely possible. And almost all affairs end sooner than most people think they will.”

Related posts:

1. Open Discussion: Is Marital Infidelity an Addiction?
2. Marital Infidelity—an Addiction
3. Overcoming Sexual Addiction – Is it Worth the Fight?
4. Put an End to Mistrust After the Affair
5. Don’t Lose Your Self Concept

Don’t Put Up With the Affair Addiction Anymore

Last Thursday I wrote a post about how I still felt the pain from the thoughts of why Doug really decided to stay in our marriage.  Today I wanted to follow up on that a bit and share with you some wonderful information from one of our favorite authors, Dave Carder.  Dave is the author of two books:  “Torn Asunder” and “Close Calls.”

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my emotions that I temporarily forget vital pieces of information that I have either read or heard in the past.  I don’t in any way fault myself for that, as we all know that emotions can be quite powerful and can overtake us at times.

I realize I get caught up in the reason for why Doug stayed, but in the short audio that I’ve included in this post, Dave says that in essence it doesn’t matter why the cheater chooses to stay.  The fact is they did and now it’s time to go to work and correct the deficiencies in your relationship if you want any chance to save your marriage.

To paraphrase Dave Carder in the audio:  “You never lose infatuation (the drug that fuels the affair) as it’s stored in the brain.  The cheaters feelings for the betrayed spouse is stored in the brain as well but they’ve been encumbered by all kinds of pain, hurt, hostility and history.  These encumbrances need to be stripped away so that you can rekindle the infatuation between the two of you…”

The following snippet is from an almost hour-long interview we did with Dave and is included as a bonus with our e-book, “Journey to Trust:  Rebuilding Trust After an Affair.”

In this 5 ½ minute audio, Dave discusses the reasons why most men stay in their marriage as well as an interesting technique he uses to help break the addictive forces of the infatuation that is felt for the other woman/man. (By the way, I’m giggling at the beginning of the audio from something funny that Dave had just said – not because this is a funny subject!)

You can either click on the mp3 link below and a new window will pop up with the recording, or you can right click the link and “Save Link As” to download it to your computer.  Alternatively, we included a little audio  player that you can click the play button and listen to it immediately.

Dave Carder MP3 file

I hope you were able to get some benefit from what Dave had to say.  Now hopefully I will remember what he said when – and if – the thoughts of why Doug stayed resurface again.

Related posts:

1. Discussion: What Will You Do to Make Them Stay?
2. Why Men Don’t Like to Talk About Their Feelings
3. Why Did I Stay to Save Our Marriage?
4. Healing After Infidelity: Create a New Purpose for Your Marriage

Dave Carder on Why Men Stay After an Affair

Here’s one, from the “I can’t believe what I’m reading” file.  In the article below, journalist Iris Krasnow promotes cheating as a way to save your marriage.

If the author and the few people quoted below were the ones who had to live through the pain that an affair causes then perhaps they would feel differently.

True, as the cheater, life would never be boring, but to paraphrase one of the people who commented, “Russian Roulette isn’t boring either.”

If you are that bored with your marriage and/or your sex life, then work to spice things up.  To save your marriage try something new – not someone new.

Cheating as a Way to Save Your Marriage

“To expect one person, man or woman, to make you happy for the rest of your life is a ticket to divorce,” Ms. Krasnow, a professor at American University, told the Daily Beast. “The happiest women I interviewed have a sense of purpose and passion outside of marriage.”

And that doesn’t necessarily mean skydiving or pottery class.

“If you avoid getting caught, a little affair can perk up a marriage,” Lucy, a 50-something Californian, explained in the book.

“My husband is only capable of doing so much, and it’s not enough,” said Shauna, who frolicked with a gardener on the side.

Affairs aren’t the only answer to a frisson-filled marriage, however. The New York Post outlines the steps found in Ms. Krasnow’s book:

Secret #1: Make out with old boyfriends

“I’m not condoning adultery in this book,” Ms. Krasnow told a reporter. “But in some marriages, it’s mutually acceptable.” Take Cynthia, a 68-year-old who started canoodling with her old college boyfriend in the back of his car. “Seeing Thomas makes me get along better with my husband,” Cynthia said in the book. “I am a happier wife.”

Secret #2: Go on separate vacations

Ms. Krasnow routinely spends a good deal of her summers away from her husband. “I come home and I’m always hot to see him,” Ms. Krasnow explained.

Secret #3: Find a platonic boyfriend

Ms. Krasnow, who describes herself as pro-marriage and monogamous for 23 years, wrote that “boyfriends with boundaries” can be a “sexy pick-me-up” for a union. She is friends with her exes and enjoys confiding in her handsome neighbor Derrin about her day. Her husband, Chuck, loves it, Ms. Krasnow told the Daily Beast. “Derrin is a relief for Chuck, because when he doesn’t want to talk to me, he says, ‘Isn’t Derrin home?’”

Secret #4: Lower your expectations

At one point when her four children were young, Ms. Krasnow said, she contemplated leaving her marriage. Then a friend stepped in and said, “Oh, Iris, just lower your expectations.” These simple words saved the marriage, Ms. Krasnow said.

Secret #5: Choose a “steady Eddy”

Ms. Krasnow eases into the book’s friskier sections with some timeworn advice: “Pick the right husband in the first place”.

“Reliability is the sexiest quality that you could hope for,” Ms. Krasnow said. “Don’t look for sex that sends you over the moon – although that does help – but look for somebody who says, ‘I do’ and ‘I will,’ and does it.”

Secret #6: Keep secrets from your man

“A secret is different than a lie,” noted Ms. Krasnow. Some things, such as crushes on other men, resentments and certain fantasies about the future, are best left unsaid, she added. “You spew this poison and it poisons the relationship.”

But judging by more than 200 interviews included in her book, the most noxious poison in a marriage is boredom. Research shows that novelty – simply doing new things together as a couple – can restore the chemical surges of new love, the New York Times reported.

Suddenly reinventing date night seems a lot easier than constantly being on the make.  Complete article here.

Sure, duplicity, secrets and some male attention on the side will keep someone excited and have secondary effects in a marriage, but they are hardly the recipe for long-term relationship success or to save your marriage.  In most cases it’s not possible to compartmentalize relationships like that.

Related posts:

1. Save Marriage Secrets with Save My Marriage Today
2. Save Your Marriage: Building Fences Around Your Relationship
3. Save Your Marriage Help
4. Communicate to Save Your Marriage
5. Do a “180” to Save Your Marriage

Save Your Marriage by Cheating?

Happy Wednesday!

This week’s discussion is going to be geared towards the cheating spouse.

One of our readers suggested that it would be helpful for any betrayers who read this site to share their experiences.   Specifically as it pertains to the cheating spouse not doing the things that the betrayed spouse wants or needs them to do.

The reader writes:  “I think a lot of us betrayed want to know WHY our cheating spouses (in the healing process) don’t do the things we want/need them to do.  It’s frustrating and it can really put a damper on the healing and ultimately the entire marriage.  It would be great to hear from other people why they don’t want to talk about it and why some will NOT talk about it at all, etc.”

Obviously, you don’t have to be a betrayer to jump in on the discussion.

So if you understand why your spouse did or didn’t do what you needed them to do, or why they won’t talk about the affair, then by all means chime in.

Please try to use the information that any cheaters offer as a learning tool and not as a lightening rod for nasty comments.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

Related posts:

1. Discussion: Double Standard For Men and Women Cheaters?
2. Cheaters Caught on Video
3. Cheaters Play By Their Own Rules During an Emotional Affair
4. Discussion: How Do You Get the Cheating Spouse Out of the Affair Fog?

Discussion: Why Won’t the Cheaters Do What You Need Them To Do?

Hello Everybody!

Linda and I have read many comments and have mentored several individuals lately where the issue of the cheating spouse not ending the affair is a real ongoing problem. We’re sure that there are many more people that visit this site and other sites that have the same problem but are just not speaking out about it.

Statistics from Google on search terms verify that several thousand searches are performed each day that are related to this tough issue.

But how can you get the cheating spouse to stop the affair? Experts vary in their opinions on this. Some say that you cannot get them to stop, while others say that you can by giving ultimatums, separating, or even filing for divorce (but not necessarily going through with it).

What we’d like to do today is gather as much advice, success stories or suggestions as possible to help those readers who might be experiencing this painful problem. This subject has been discussed quite often in the comments and on a few of our posts, but we wanted to bring it even more to the forefront for those who may have missed this information previously.

With this in mind, here are some questions to consider:

What was the turning point in your own affair experience that caused your spouse (or you) to stop the affair?

As the betrayed spouse, is there anything that you can do to help this process along?

What advice would you give to the betrayed whose spouse won’t end their affair?

Lets try to get as many ideas as possible to help others!

As always, please respond to each other in the comments.

Thanks!

Doug & Linda

Related posts:

1. It’s Tough To Stop an Emotional Affair
2. Ending an Affair: Getting Them to Stop
3. Healing After Infidelity: Why Won’t They Stop?
4. Discussion: Getting The Cheating Spouse to Talk About the Affair
5. Getting Over an Affair: Stop the Comparisons

Discussion: Getting Them To Stop the Affair

I have to confess that I’m addicted.  To cigars that is.  When I take a break from work through out the day, or if I need to gather my thoughts, I’ll go outside and take a few puffs on a cigar.  It relaxes and distracts me to the point where I can get back to whatever I’m doing with better focus.  I guess over the last year or so, it’s become a habit that I need to give up.  I want to give it up.  It’s not that easy.

Monday morning as I left the store where I purchase my cigars, I thought about this past Saturday when Linda and I spent our entire day (12 + hours) driving to, attending, and then driving home from our daughters’ dance competition.  I didn’t have a cigar all day.  In fact I didn’t even think about, nor did I crave them once during the entire day.

Even as I sat through dozens of brutally bad dance routines (except for our daughters’ routines of course) where I tried everything I could to sway my attention from the awfulness that was before me, the thought of heading out to find a cigar to smoke never entered my mind.  And I felt better that day.  I felt healthier.  I could breathe better.  Why was that?

As I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t need or want a cigar because I was removed completely from them.  They were nowhere in sight, smell or reach at any point during the day.  At no point could I simply grab a cigar, walk outside and fire it up to experience the pleasure that a not-so-good cigar provides me.

So how does my cigar story relate to an emotional affair?  Well, first of all, just like with cigars, I obviously should have never started in the first place.  And as it is with most addictions, the quitting process took way too long and was far more complicated than it should have been.

It took some time for the emotional affair to evolve to where I realized that it was not all that great.  The once carefree, exciting, fun days gave way to Tanya’s jealousy, irritability and attempts at controlling me. I was leading a double life and it was becoming too difficult.  Tanya was affecting my emotional health and well-being in a negative way, and the affair was certainly taking its toll on Linda and our family life. The simple solution would have been just to quit cold turkey.

For me to break away from the emotional affair, I had to completely remove myself from Tanya.  I had to quit the talking, texting and meeting for lunch – cold turkey.  The addiction was tough to break.  I knew she had to be out of sight, and out of mind for me to be able to, and when I finally decided that ending the affair was the thing to do, that’s what I did. That’s what you or your spouse needs to do.

Now if I could just do the same with these damn cigars!

Related posts:

1. Linda’s View of Ending an Affair
2. Ending an Affair: Getting Them to Stop
3. After Ending An Affair: Get Past the Grief
4. Ending the Affair

Ending an Emotional Affair is Like Quitting Cigars

I am finally convinced that there is little that can be done to stop an affair.  I recently came to this conclusion after a comment that Doug made a couple of weeks ago about what pushed him to think about ending his emotional affair.  He said that my reaction when I reviewed the phone logs was a catalyst for him to end the affair, but that ending the affair was still a process.

I know this is not new information to me but in a very strange way it still hit me very hard.  I suppose that it really does take time to fully recover from an affair, and I at least have to hear things over and over again before they finally start to sink in.

Recently, Doug and I had a discussion about this “process” and I felt more like a person looking at it from the outside, almost like I was in an airplane viewing the timeline from above. It was really a strange and unsettling feeling for me.

When I look at the actual progression of trying to get Doug to end the affair, I realize that nothing that I did made much difference at all.  The emotional affair had such a strong hold on him that traditional thinking, methods and ideology had no affect at all. It was something that he had to do on his own.  As he has said previously, the pain had to override the pleasure.

I thought back to the day I found all the calls on his cell phone. A day you would think that the shock of being caught in the act would have brought some kind of action or guilt to the cheating spouse.  What happened instead was denial, justification and an intensifying of the affair.

Later, I tried to fix our marriage by offering opportunities to connect, spend time together, communicate and be intimate.  Did those actions stop the affair? No.  Instead it provided an opportunity for Tanya to reassure Doug that I was just being desperate, that I should have been doing those things before and that I only wanted him because someone else had him.

Those actions added more confusion to the situation with the result being the affair relationship and partner coming out on top. It was another opportunity to put up a wall between our marriage and opening up the flood gates to allow the affair to prosper.

It was a time for them to discuss their relationship, their future, all the feelings and emotions and what they were going to do about the situation.  At the same time, I was still in the dark about the affair.  I was still trusting and believing Doug and just trying to save my marriage.

The reality was that all my efforts to reconnect with Doug could not stop the affair.  It had too much power.

A couple of months later, I felt in my heart that my efforts were not as productive as I had hoped they would be.  The wall was still there and I felt like I was really losing my mind.  During that time I was overly vigilant with everything that was happening around me and with every action and conversation with Doug.

This was the time that I finally demanded he tell me what was going on.  Of course he did confess a portion of it, and I again believed everything he said was true.

He downplayed the affair, their relationship and the ending (or not ending) of their emotional affair.  Of course all of this was very painful for me.  He watched me have panic attacks, crying spells, lack of sleep, weight loss, hopelessness and helplessness.

I WAS desperate. I loved Doug, and deep down felt he loved me.  I wanted to do everything to save our marriage. But again this wasn’t enough to end the affair.

The pleading, crying and begging had little effect.  The only repercussion was that it forced Doug to make an effort in our relationship to curb my emotions, insecurity and to lesson his guilt.  It also forced him to lie and sneak around even more.

He was trying to maintain two turbulent relationships which was wearing on him (Tanya was also becoming emotional and desperate).  However, the power and control of the emotional affair was still winning.

Fast forward another month.  Of course I knew deep down that the affair was still going on and everything I had read indicated that I needed to take a stronger stance.  So I demanded the phone records.  After I reviewed them I told him he could leave.

This is the point that Doug has told me (much later of course) that he knew he had to end the affair.  Again he said it was a process, and of course it didn’t end that day.

The thought of that still produces so much anger because I looked at the previous four months to this occurrence as the “process.”  I wonder what it took to finally end it.  What kind of hold did she and the affair have over him that seeing his world crumbling around him didn’t seem to make any difference?

I will never understand the power of an affair and how someone could let it continue when they are hurting everyone around them.  The only thing I could do is accept and forgive, which has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

I hope that Doug can look at this process the way I have and learn from it, so his insight could help others that are going through the same thing.  I know there are many things I could have done differently to have sped up this process, but I believe in the end, stopping the emotional affair has to be a decision made by the cheater.

Related posts:

1. After the Affair: Tough Love Brings Subtle Changes
2. Discussion: Getting Them To Stop the Affair
3. 4 Ways to Empower Yourself After the Emotional Affair
4. Getting Over an Affair: Stop the Comparisons
5. Marriage Makeover: Stop Working on the Relationship

It’s Tough To Stop an Emotional Affair

Lately I have been putting much thought into my long journey to forgiveness after Doug’s emotional affair, and trying to figure out why it was so difficult to reach.  As a result, I began reconstructing our affair recovery and analyzing each step.

It is ironic how I can now remember the details and the activities so clearly, but at the time I really didn’t understand the meaning and the emotions involved.  I finally understand what Doug was talking about when he explained why it took so long for him to see the emotional affair realistically and clearly.

Doug said that he had to remove himself from the situation and the emotions of the affair before he could clearly see the whole picture. Now I see that I went through the same process in our own affair recovery.

In the beginning I thought Doug and I were on the right path to recreating our marriage, but looking back I now see that we were also creating many obstacles that stood in the way of forgiveness and intimacy.

I was thinking about Doug’s behavior after the affair ended.  He said that he was relieved it was over.  This was mainly because of all the lies and betrayal that were involved.  However, he never really looked within himself and our relationship and how we ended up at that place.  He just wanted to put the affair behind us and move on to recreate a marriage he thought we were lacking.

I think he believed that our love and marriage should be the same as what he experienced during the emotional affair.  I was also in that same frame of mind because I wanted to give him everything he had with Tanya.

Looking back, I believe Doug wanted to continue the fantasy world he was in by making our marriage an affair. By doing this, he didn’t have to think about, or experience the pain of looking at what was really happening in his life.

During that phase we were putting a lot of effort into having a great time.  We would go out every weekend.  We would hit the happy-hours, listen to bands, go to festivals, etc.  We were always on our best behavior and trying not to show our faults or shortcomings.  So in essence, we had our own emotional affair (though it turned quite physical!).

Doug attempted to keep our conversations superficial and often became defensive if I brought up the affair.  He would say something like “We are doing great now.   We’re happy, so why do we need to always talk about this?”

I think in his mind we were doing great because he compared our new relationship to the feeling he had during the affair and equated those feeling with being in love. For me I always knew there was something missing in our relationship.  I knew I wanted more from our marriage.

I remember reading some of our earlier posts where Doug believed our relationship was great, but in contrast, I was still apprehensive about the void I felt.  I was still searching for something more.  Now I realize what I was searching for.  It was a more intimate, real love between us.

I feel that we have finally arrived at this place, but I think it took much perseverance on my part.  I didn’t let Doug off the hook.   He was happy remaining in the “in love” stage.  Believing those feelings represented real love. Don’t get me wrong though, as falling in love again was needed (and was a lot of fun) but we also needed to take it far beyond that.

As painful as it was, I continued to initiate the tough conversations about the emotional affair and the issues within our marriage.  If we would not have experienced the pain we never would have experienced the relationship we have now.

Related posts:

1. An Emotional Affair Lacks a Strong Bond
2. Our Emotional Affair Recovery One Year Later
3. Accepting the Past and My Emotional Affair
4. The Emotional Affair Still Causes Pain
5. My Struggles After the Emotional Affair

Our Own Emotional Affair

Many of the recent comments have made mention of the cheating spouse and his/her affair partner having special songs, exchanging sappy emails, special gifts, etc., and to be quite honest (and blunt) I am fed up with all this romantic bulls#!t associated with an affair.

I am certainly appreciative of the honesty from everyone, cheating spouses included, but to me this all sounds like a bunch of teenagers in love for the first time.

This type of thing just solidifies the notion that the cheating spouse is (or was) still going over the fantasy in their minds. The cheating spouse believes that the affair is something so special in order to escape the reality of the situation.

They cheated on their spouse; they broke their marriage vows and possibly changed the course of their lives and their family’s lives forever.  That is the reality of the situation.

This stuff about special songs, and long emails, exciting sex, texts, etc., has nothing to do with love.  It’s about two people who were together in a perfect situation – their little utopia – removed from any obstacle that could hurt a relationship and immune from the trials and tribulations that living in a real marriage can cause.

I wonder if the cheaters ever romanticize their relationship with their spouse they way they have with their affair partner. Do they think about their special songs, the memories they have experienced together, the special places they visited or the passionate sex?  Or do they only think about how much their spouses may have neglected or hurt them in some way?

The cheating spouse has to understand that as far as the OP is concerned, there are only good memories. Everything was at its best.  They have very few negative thoughts of the affair to fill their minds.

It was not because the other person was perfect.  It was because they had the perfect situation.  If you were able to have that kind of situation with your spouse they would be perfect in your eyes as well.

I believe that the cheating spouse would be able to get over the OP much faster if they looked at the affair in a realistic light.  It was a moment of insanity where they almost lost everything they loved and cherished.

Instead, they need to look at their spouses in a romantic light and as someone who sacrificed their ideals, beliefs and did everything they could to make their marriage the best it could be; a person who they should realize will love them even though they may have made mistakes and lost their way; a person who will stand by them, protecting their integrity and ultimately forgiving them.

Their partner is the person the cheating spouse should be daydreaming and thinking about, not the OP who only gave them a brief experience of selfish pleasure.

Related posts:

1. Why We Tolerate a Cheating Spouse
2. Don’t Take the Cheating Spouse’s Story Personally
3. Discussion: How Do You Get the Cheating Spouse Out of the Affair Fog?
4. Deciphering the Cheating Spouse’s Stories
5. The Cheating Spouse Follows a Script

The Cheating Spouse Should Not Romanticize the Affair