Why Betrayal Makes You Feel Worthless

betrayal makes you feel worthlessThe other day we received an email from a woman who has been betrayed by her husband of 27 years. His affair was both an EA and PA and not surprisingly it has torn her world apart.

Though they’ve been able to “work things out,” the aftereffects of the affair still linger – some minor issues with triggers, but more so, her self-image has been destroyed.

Prior to the affair, she knew she wasn’t a model or anything, but she looked good. She just had a baby and still had a bit of baby weight to lose, but overall she was happy with her body and her looks. She was never insecure and her husband has always felt that she was an attractive and confident woman.

Now she is very much the opposite. It just so happens that the OW is attractive and very physically fit and active in a variety of different sports.

She’s having a hard time shaking that feeling that she can’t measure up to the other woman. Her self-esteem is shot and she told me she basically feels worthless. I believe she used the words ugly, unattractive and useless, to be exact.

Oh, and this has also made her feel very angry at her husband for making her feel this way.

Why Betrayal Makes You Feel Worthless

So why does betrayal make us feel so worthless?

Well, betrayal is a drain on self-esteem and when your self-esteem is decimated, then you are going to feel worthless. An affair also rips out the proverbial rug from under your feet and you start to question everything, especially yourself, your sanity, and the decisions you make.

You feel worthless because you reason that if the person you loved the most, trusted the most, and to whom you gave the most is capable of having an affair, then you must be worse than pet food. The fact that your spouse did not think you even were worthy of being loyal to makes you feel lower than low.

In short, when your spouse has an affair, it hits your core and you feel as if you have been tossed into a raging sea without a lifeline. This is all very normal.

But you know what?

None of it is true.

We are not worthless; our spouses did not have an affair because of that or because of anything else we did. We subject ourselves to feelings of worthlessness because for whatever reason these feelings allow us to quickly make sense of what happened. But, just as we allow ourselves to be flooded with the ideas of worthlessness, we are also in control of refusing to take on these feelings.

In these circumstances we must remember that we did not cause our spouse’s affair, we did not create our spouse’s affair, and we cannot control the fact that our spouse chose to have an affair. But, we can control our self and we can control our reactions. We can choose self-esteem over worthlessness and only we have the power to do it.

 

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51 Responses to Why Betrayal Makes You Feel Worthless

  1. Strengthrequired February 28, 2015 at 5:00 am #

    Linda, great post. Your right, we didn’t do anything, yet that feeling of worthlessness is very hard to rid yourself of. Sometimes I looI at myself and think no wonder he cheated. Or I think about he told me, how good she was at cooking, and all the house hold chores, and I see myself unable to keep up with everything, with all the kids, and I think, no wonder he cheated. I actually see myself as useless now. so although I know that it is not my fault, his affair has certainly made myself doubt my worthiness to everyone, especially him.

    • Carol March 1, 2015 at 4:53 pm #

      Oh goodness. If you’ve managed to take care of six kids and recover from your H’s affair — and generously offer loads of support to others on this forum, as I see you do — you are far, far from worthless, SR. Of course you can’t keep up with everything. Nobody is superwoman. But I guarantee you that any selfish OW couldn’t even make a start on all that you do. I don’t even really know you, but it’s obvious from your comments that you’re a prize. Hope your H realizes that now.

      • Strengthrequired March 3, 2015 at 5:02 am #

        Carol, I just wanted to say thankyou, you are so sweet to say those lovely words. It truly means alot. I hope my h truly knows what he does have with me as his wife. He says he does, but I guess as with anything time will tell.
        I think however, some words that have been said, whether meant or not, can be hard to erase. Thankyou again..

  2. Rachel February 28, 2015 at 1:17 pm #

    Been there,done that. But will never do it again!

    • Julie February 27, 2016 at 11:43 pm #

      I said that and here I am living through it again. Tell me this ladies how do I deal with him telling me he loved her. He introduced her to his family and wanted to make a live with her. However he never let me go completely he lead me believe we where starting over only to make her Jelious enough to leave her husband. Which she didn’t do. How do you feel like he actually loves you when he tells you he would never say she was a mistake. I told him to be careful what he said to me. This is the second time he supoposible fell in love with someone else but didn’t give me up. I tell him he has to make me feel like I am special to him that he loves me. I think he feels that he shows me that by being with me. But in fact he was with me and the other woman at the same time. The feelings of being worthless come from him telling me I wasn’t good enough in bed but somehow I am now. I wasn’t as skinny as these others so therefore I am not as good. Doesn’t he get it. Doesn’t he see how much he hurts me. Now he says he will not talk to me about her anymore and he just wants to forget it. What do I do with how I feel. Tell me that.

  3. antiskank February 28, 2015 at 2:45 pm #

    When you are betrayed in this manner, you lose all confidence and question everything you once believed about yourself and your appearance, your personality, your value as a woman and wife.
    And as they say, the cheater will do and say anything to justify their disgusting behaviour. They don’t care about you or your feelings. In my case, my CS was happy to tell me that I was old, fat, ugly, unlovable, boring, and of no value to him. He didn’t love me, never had, couldn’t imagine that he ever could. I couldn’t compare in any way to the skank that he was head over heels in love with. That is just the beginning, it got much worse and more detailed and extensive. Whenever he was asked any questions or I was most unhappy, these are the things he would say to divert my attention away from him. In between, when I didn’t bring up any issues, he would play the part of the “loving” husband. Makes me want to vomit!
    As much as I know logically that I am a wonderful, valuable, worthy, attractive person, I can’t feel that way around him. Most of the time, when at work or with friends, I know I’m great and I am confident, but when I see his skank in public or I’m with him, I still feel like crap!

  4. Shifting Impressions February 28, 2015 at 3:26 pm #

    Yes, betrayal has a way of robbing us of our self-esteem, but in reality isn’t that backward thinking??? I wasn’t the one deceiving my partner. I have made many mistakes in my life but I have also done many things I am proud of. I am a good and caring mother……I loved my husband with my whole heart. Were there misunderstandings? Were there ups and downs? Were there hard times? Of course there were……that is life.

    I was loyal…..I wasn’t the one telling the lies…….why should I feel worthless or less than?? My heart is broken but I won’t let what happened take my self worth.

  5. Rachel February 28, 2015 at 10:32 pm #

    Well said shifting impressions!

  6. DeeDee March 1, 2015 at 5:07 am #

    This is still how I feel. It is so hard to break the feelings. This story is so familiar to mine. The OW is fit (a personal trainer) and I do feel like a piece of trash that has been thrown to the side of the road. Some days are better than others, but I still struggle with self-esteem and self-confidence issues. We are currently separated, although we still spend time together with and without the kids. We still have 2 kids at home that we are raising. I wish that I could find someone that would help to increase my self-esteem and self-confidence although I know that it really is my responsibility, no one else. But small things that are said or done will always help someone feel better about themselves.
    I like to respond to these types of blogs and type my feelings up for it does help me to feel better. I would love to write a book for if everyone knew everything that I have went through they would be amazed and at the same time wondering why the hell are you still with him? Everyone has their opinions and some will judge – but we have to do what we feel is best for everyone involved at the time.

  7. one step at a time March 1, 2015 at 7:20 am #

    I know in my case as a man I feel totally worthless and weak since my wife’s affair. I have zero confidence especially sexually. I have a really hard time standing up for myself and I never had a problem with that pre D-day. I feel most times like I can’t do anything right. I feel completely de-masculanized. Somedays I think I’m coming out of it and others like yesterday I go into a deep depression. Sucks! Cheaters just don’t get how they can completely destroy their mate.

    • RockyP May 31, 2016 at 6:06 pm #

      I am interested to see how you are a year out….. I am 3 months after d-day of the wife’s affair. The mind movies have mostly stopped, but my anger and depression won’t let up…

  8. Rachel March 1, 2015 at 8:58 am #

    While I was married I felt useless. My now ex husband always had terribly hurtful comments.
    I couldn’t drink my tea the right way in his eyes. He hated my clothing because my tops weren’t cut down to my belly button and I didn’t show cleavage . My hair has a natural wave and he always made a comment that he liked it straight.
    When he told me that he is in love with his soul mate, I thought to myself that she must be perfect, just what I wasnt.
    After seeing her picture online ( she owns a laugerie store) I was shocked!!!!!
    She was overweight, straight hair and her meme dress skin tight.
    It took me a long time to realize that I need to be me. Wear my hair however I want. Dress however I want.
    I have more self esteem then I have ever have. I hold my head high and realize now that he’s the one with the problem!!!!! Accept me as I am or don’t accept me at all.
    He choose not to accept me and some day I will send him a thank you note for that decission as I am in such a better place.
    I have freedom to be me!!!!!! I walk with a smile on my face and people always say to me that ” you look great”!
    My good friend said that I looked dragged down and miserable when I was married to that narsasistic freak!!!! And I was!!!!
    The new man in my life will text me and say, ” did I tell you how beautiful you looked last night?” I NEVER heard those words from my ex of 30 years!!
    So ladies work really hard, because it is work and hold your head high, because you all are beautiful!!! Inside and out!!!

  9. Missy March 1, 2015 at 7:56 pm #

    HI! A few weeks ago, I ended an emotional affair . I met him at work. It started as an innocent conversation last spring and throughout the summer we would exchange glances and looks with some conversation. Finally, at the end of the summer, we decided we needed to talk about the elephant in the room which was the growing attraction between us. We did not have sex and only saw each other at work. We were very attracted to each other but we both needed the connection more than the physical………having someone’s face light up when they saw you. Having someone check to see if you were having a good day.

    I work for a company that is predominately male, and I am single so of course I look. No one has sparked my interest. It is not like I fall for men easily and I don’t sleep around. So I did not know why I was soo attracted to this guy. I thought that this may be the “real” thing. I went online to learn if what we were experiencing could be “real” love. Could we be the exception to the rule or were we just a textbook affair. That is when I found this site which has been so educational. Finding this site, as well as others, was the slap in the face that I needed.

    The EA lasted from the beginning of 9/14 to 2/3/15. i told him I could not go on with the relationship. That I did not want anyone to get hurt. His wife / family (kids are adults) never did anything to me. If we continued on and he got caught, I did not want him to come to me by default. I can’t compete with 35 yrs of marriage and she can’t compete with a shiny new toy. I told him I was not looking to “win” him from her. (I know now after reading this blog for the past several weeks, he is not going to leave her for me but at the time, I guess I thought it could be a possibility). My behavior was selfish and I could not carry on like we had been. I apologized for my behavior and for manipulating him last summer. I explained how I got his attention. When we would run into each other, i would hold his gaze a second or two longer than I should have. Or the slight wave when no one else was looking.

    I told him that if he ever found himself single, and if he was still interested, he could contact me and if I am still available, we can make a go of a legitimate relationship. He asked if we could be friends and if he could say hello and I said no. That I was afraid we would be on a slippery slope and we could end up back in a conference room one day in each others arms. For the most past he has respected my NC rule. He did leave a cookie on my desk the Friday before Valentines days. I thanked him via Txt. I did run into him once in the hall and we talked for a minute. He just asked how I was doing.

    We work for the same company, but not for the same department and our departments don’t interact. It is the promixety of our departments that would cause us to run into each other. There are things I do to minimize us running into each other however, it will never be 100%. We will, from time-to-time, see each other. This makes it hard since I still have feelings for him.

    i am reading everything I can so I can get a handle on my emotions. I am super vigilant at work to not run into him and of course, that makes me think about him constantly. I have considered leaving my job but I don’t know if that would be a knee-jerk reaction. I have a good job with a good company and I don’t want to give that up. I am hoping with time and distance, I can start to see this realistically. If not, I will look for another job at some point.

    I am embarrassed by my behavior and just feel like an a#$. I feel miserable b/c I still have feelings for him. I just want to rush through this and get to the point where the emotions subside and I can just go about my work. TI have no one to talk to and I just needed to share. Constructive criticism welcome.

    Thank You!

  10. gizfield March 2, 2015 at 7:50 am #

    Hi, Missy. It’s great that you see your relationship with a married man as the harmful thing that it is and want help getting over it. I don’t read many infidelity sites but I found a wonderful one this weekend I am going to recommend because I think it will be very helpful for you.

    It is called Go Ask Susie. There are sections for betrayed spouses, cheating spouses, and affair partners. This lady is very astute and will help you see what is going on. I just really liked what I read. I would start with the article “the Secret Lives of Emotional Affairs” . It explains exactly what is going on. There is a section that discusses the myths involving these affairs. I would recommend this article to cheaters and betrayed spouses as well. Best wishes, and hope that helps you.

  11. Rachel March 2, 2015 at 7:35 pm #

    I do have a hard time understanding why any single women would want to get involved with a married man? I work with many nice, handsome men, who are married. I wouldn’t give it a second thought to involve myself with them. Maybe it’s because I know the pain and devastation it does to a family.

  12. Tryinghard March 2, 2015 at 8:31 pm #

    Missy
    Oh boy. Ok well first congrats on ending something that should have never started in the first place. I get how it happens. All of us do, been there, got the tshirt!!! Thanks god it was short lived and at least one of you came to your senses before it got out of hand. That said I doubt very much his wife would think the same.

    You’re single you need your job. Straighten up before you lose it. Now that you’ve stepped in the shit you have to wipe it off and work like hell to cover everything up before the whole office figures it out and if they haven’t already they will and then you’re toast. I assume mr Cheaterpants is your superior? Well trust me the powers that be will find a way to get rid of you before him and you’ll never know what hit you. They could also make your life so miserable at work you’ll beg to be fired so you can collect unemployment. Just a couple scenarios you might want to mull over instead of lamenting how you still ” care” for Cookie Boy.

    Speaking of cookies. What part on NO CONTACT do you or he not understand? Really it’s a simple concept. No means none, nothing, nada, ZILCH. Contact means interaction. No hellos, emails, texts, or COOKIES. You should have given it right back, thrown it away, anything. It was not innocent or sweet. He’s trying to lure you back in and you let him for whatever reason. What if a co-worker saw it? It would be all over the office. My h gives nothing to anyone but me for Valentine’s Day and besides he gave it to you on 2/13 which is MISTRESS DAY because on Valentine’s day he was buying something really great for his wife and taking her out to dinner, not you.

    Why on earth do you girls shit were you eat? I don’t see how it’s worth it. I’m sure you think I’m being judgemental and I am. You said yourself you put it out there for him to notice, now you have to undo it. I hope career wise it’s not too late.

  13. Tryinghard March 2, 2015 at 8:43 pm #

    Let me give you a little history here. After my h affair he wanted me to come back to work in our business. I did. I had to hire some office help and I did. This poor women was broke, 3 kid, and getting divorced. I felt sorry for her, she was smart enough and I knew she needed the job. Well first thing I see is she starts being in my husbands face for no good reason. Giggling, smiling at him, going into his office to ask questions that he had nothing to do with, complimenting him, checking him out all in front of ME. I blew it off for a while thinking I was being super sensitive after my recent drama but the more she was there the more she by passed me to get at him and other males in the office. Now she knew about my husbands affair and I think she thought she had a chance. OMG she was such a country rube but I saw just what she was doing. She figured he did it once he’d do it again AND she was desperate and thought way too highly of herself. Well the poor bitch bit the hand that fed her and one day I fired her on the spot. OUT immediately.

    This is what becomes your narrative once you cheat. Is that how you want to be seen by the other males in your office? The easy one? Seriously if you can leave and find just as good a job you should. I’m not saying quit without one but you have shit in your nest.

    I have lots more to say to you if you want to hear it. I’m guessing you’re young. I hope you change and figure out why you want unavailable partners before you set yourself up for a life of misery.

  14. Missy March 2, 2015 at 10:24 pm #

    Hello Gizfield and TryingHard,

    Thank you for your responses! I did check out Go Ask Susie today at lunch and it looks like a great resource.

    I agree, I should have thrown the cookie at him. With time comes clarity. I appreciate your honesty. That is what I am looking for.

    I will respond more tomorrow. I just got home from a day of work and travel.

  15. gizfield March 2, 2015 at 10:29 pm #

    Great, Missy, glad it was helpful.

  16. TryingHard March 2, 2015 at 11:20 pm #

    Thank you for taking my comment to you in the true spirit to which it was given. I agree clarity comes with education and being open to critique.

    I learned something from ask Susie too. It’s a 21 day challenge and I’m going to do it. Thanks Giz:)

    • Strengthrequired March 3, 2015 at 2:48 am #

      Giz, I found the site interesting too. There is a comment on go ask subside website that I thought was well said. (Here is what go ask suzie wrote)

      Unfortunately, romantic addictions have a way of escalating. For some, all sense of self-preservation is lost… at the risk of real life and family survival. When it gets to this point, it’s as if they’ve been robbed of their will and personal power. And as romantic as all that might sound in a love song or a movie, these are not signs of true love; they’re more like symptoms of an addiction. When it’s True Love:

      Your sense of freedom increases.
      A feeling of wholeness and rightness emerges.
      Your positive values and qualities are strengthened (not weakened).

      thanks giz, this was a great site. I like the stories she tells to explain how she wants her readers to view things in a different way.

      You feel a sense of gratitude (not anxiety or guilt).

  17. gizfield March 3, 2015 at 10:46 am #

    I’m glad you liked it, Sr and Trying. I will have to check out the 21 day challenge myself, missed that. I thought the Go Ask Suzie site was very good. I don’t read Infidelity sites except here and Chump Lady cause I feel they are usually too “cheater friendly” so it was nice to discover a new resource. I enjoy Chump Lady but it’s not that helpful unless you want to Leave a Cheater, lol. After a while the stories get kind of repititous, most cheaters aren’t as special, or unique, or as different as they like to believe. There are a few standouts, of course, like the guy jumping around in a sleeping bag, lol.

    • TryingHard March 3, 2015 at 11:04 am #

      Giz
      It’s the story about the BS who can’t stop obsessing about revenge on the OW 🙂 LOL I either do the challenge that Susie recommends OR I write a television series about revenge. OOPS, it’s already been done 🙂

      I like CL. She is hilarious and irreverent and pretty much keeps it real. I think when reconciling it’s easy to get into lala land of blissful matrimony because surly he won’t be that stupid again???? But I agree it’s very heavy on leaving the Cheater but for many folks they had no choice. Either the H/W left without a chance of reconciling OR they showed no remorse or they truly believe that the Cheater wouldn’t change. Many people there are very inspiring. Like the woman who’s cheater husband kidnapped their son and killed him and himself??!! Kinda puts things in perspective….

      I think it’s a good resource. CL is very bright.

  18. gizfield March 3, 2015 at 11:45 am #

    Oh, I read Chump lady every day myself. She is hysterical. And brilliant. A lot of her stuff is things I felt but couldn’t really articulate, mentally. The Unified Theory of Cake finally helped me know what the hell was going on. Most of them really do want both people, unfortunately. It’s all about the ego. Her post today is great.

    I agree, I saw that story about the cheater killing himself and her son. That was chilling. I can imagine my first husband doing that. He really was that f@#ked up, or evil, or whatever that kind of action requires.

    Let us know how the Challenge goes. 🙂

  19. TryingHard March 3, 2015 at 11:50 am #

    I will Giz. I tried this morning by starting to pray for her healing of cancer. Egads it freaking stuck in my throat. Even I could hear God laughing at me!!!! Kinda like starting out a workout routine by running a marathon! I lowered the bar a bit. Maybe by the end of the 21 days I can actually do that 🙂

  20. gizfield March 3, 2015 at 12:24 pm #

    I’ll be praying for your praying, Trying, lol. Just remember, Trash is it’s own reward. The karma for the Cheaters is, indeed, that they ARE the Cheaters. Once you realize that, it kind of all falls into place.

  21. TryingHard March 3, 2015 at 12:43 pm #

    LOL thanks Giz!!! I need all the prayers I can get. Intellectually I know this stuff but I’m telling sometimes I don’t know how I’ve driven home I’m in such deep revenge fantasy. Susie explained that whole female ego stuff and well she was writing about me! I totally got it once I read her explanation.

    Quite frankly I have wayyyy bigger fish to fry than fantasizing about revenge on her anymore. It’s silly. So instead of doing that I’m going to turn it around and use prayer. Not to release her but an effort to release ME. I don’t give a shit what happens to her. She can fall off the earth and I could care less. What’s sad is besides her children, who are totally embarrassed by her, she has no one else who cares. Anyway I’m ready to release this. Holding on to it isn’t going to change anything about the past. Holding on to it isn’t going to prevent him from doing it again. All of that shit show was on him and my obsession with revenge on her is nothing but self indulgent flattery. I had nothing to do with his choice to Cheat. Nothing I did caused it and nothing I do will prevent it. So I’m going to give this tactic a whirl. That is if I don’t get distracted by God and everyone else laughing at me 🙂

  22. gizfield March 3, 2015 at 1:56 pm #

    I totally agree, the ow really isn’t worth my time either. In fact, I’m repulsed that he could find someone so vapid and useless worthwhile. But it was really just a projection of admirable qualities she didn’t possess onto her. All I can really do is laugh when I imagine him being stuck with the skank.

    My real problem is that I feel restless, and disoriented in my own life. I don’t feel insecure or anything like that. Just restless. I sometimes remember how I used to “feel” being myself, and now I feel like maybe I’m not “me” anymore. I just really don’t like this, lol . not sure what to do about it though.

    • TryingHard March 3, 2015 at 2:23 pm #

      Giz
      I can remember when my children where that age and of course your marriage is at a certain stage too. You start feeling “restless” for lack of a more accurate word. Maybe you’re just really restless about your decision to reconcile but you know what? I have a feeling everyone who has made a decision to stay or leave has questioned their decision. YOu at least had a choice. I’ve felt the same but then I remind myself that everything is on the table now and I made my choice. I can change my mind if I want to and I would have plenty good reason.

      Maybe try looking at your restlessness that way. It’s normal to feel restless at certain stages but certainly after infidelity/betrayal the feeling has more meaning. You’ll work through it I just know.

  23. gizfield March 3, 2015 at 2:41 pm #

    I know. Thank you, Trying. It is difficult to live with your choices sometimes :-). And the Cheaters think they have it rough, lol.

  24. Freya March 4, 2015 at 7:10 am #

    I’ve been lurking here for so long, so thank you all for the consolation your words and experiences have brought so far. My D-Day was Jan 2014 but nine months later I was shocked to inadvertantly discover that the OW had contacted my husband and he had kept in touch for a month. I found out because I discovered an old message in the ‘Other’ (how appropriate) Facebook folder that the OW sent me when my husband first broke it off (quite sharply & suddenly) She was stating her case for believing that she had a right to him. I felt I needed to speak out to give myself a voice and sent her a balanced letter back saying how I could see how it happened (they were both in a bad place/depressed/she seperating) but I also said how both she and my husband were at fault and that she should take responsibility for her actions (encouraging him out of family home, away from 4 children) (she has 6 of her own!) Sadly for me she was able to get the knife in as my husband was answering her Viber messages online (she had recontacted him coincidently in Sept, just as I found the message. She told me they were in contact for a month). I have read up about this in Andrew Marshall’s ‘My husband doesn’t love me and he’s texting someone else.’ (He says sometimes no Contact is too quick, it is something that has to be worked out so the WS can feel they have said goodbye properly.) My husband was very remorseful from the beginning and has done IC, MC and engaged with my questions, articles etc. However he is a ‘people pleaser’ and had not dealt with his remaining emotions for the OW. He was guilty for going behind my back but needed to find a way to extricate himself. This second shock really set me back because of the deception that existed alongside his reconciliation efforts. It seems that nothing means anything. We’ve had much nicer times & closeness. But the shorthand stories we tell ourselves to get through just evaporate. Add to that the coldness and hostility that was driving us towards separation beforehand and a year later I still don’t know if I made the right choice to reconcile or if I will be able to live longterm with the core betrayal. I felt we would always be open, I was wrong. I did not know he was deceiving me second time round. He is working on developing his emotional competance but I don’t know if I will be able to rely on it. For now I don’t want to break up the family (youngest is 7) but I think we need to ask ourselves if the price we pay for reconciliation is too high, when our peace of mind and confidence in honesty will never be what it was.

  25. TryingHard March 4, 2015 at 12:58 pm #

    It seems to me there is just an endless supply of misery where infidelity is concerned. Every day there’s a new betrayed that is hurting and confused and struggling. The pain is indescribable and yet those of us who have been up close and personal with it know exactly what everyone else is talking about. Some of us are further down the road and whose wound isn’t quite as raw sure as hell remember the pain. I’d like to say it’s like childbirth and pretty soon you forget the pain, but I have bad news, you don’t. You just learn to live with the pain, shame and embarrassment that your cheating asshat put on you.

    Watching the latest news about some artist who painted former President Clinton is just another painful reminder how this shit NEVER goes away. This artist thought it would be smart, clever, cute, artistic, whatever to include some vestige of Clinton’s cheating with Monica Lewinsky into a painting that will hang either in the white house or some national gallery, by painting a shadow of what looked like a blue dress on the fireplace mantle in the picture. There for the whole world to see into perpetuity like Washington crossing the Delaware we will have a picture of a former president with his constant narrative being his affair with Monica Lewinsky. Whatever good he did, doesn’t matter,!! The douche had an affair so besides a rather nice painting of him he still has to wear his inarguable narrative, “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Doesn’t make a damn bit of difference he’s reformed, repentant, remorseful, a “different” person, his legacy is he CHEATED!!!

    Then there’s that brain trust General Petraus. War Hero. Potential Vice Presidential candidate. Now WTF was he thinking giving above Top Secret information to his affair partner? Are these men so desperate for people they can trust or think they can trust, that they would give national security information to their fuck buddies??? Apparently so. And we ask what our minion husbands were thinking?? Ha, ladies our husband used good sense compared to these guys!

    And how nice for Mrs. Clinton and Mrs Petraus, and the rest of all the publicly humiliated wives who did nothing to deserve it, to have the constant reminders and public humiliation.

    Clinton’s affair was 20 years ago, 20 YEARS!!! and it’s STILL in the news. Google Clinton and Monica pops up. Can’t blame that on his wife for not putting what’s past in the past. HA, would Google know to find our cheater’s girlfriends if we Googled their names?? Wouldn’t that be cool because then they couldn’t blame us for bringing up the affair, it would be Google’s fault!!

    So for all the cheaters who just want it all to go away, sweep it under the rug, move on, guess what, it NEVER will and that’s not your spouse bringing it up, it’s society making fun of you. You and your AP became the butt of the world’s derision and jokes. You, along with your affair partner, soul mate, lover whatever made yourself a cliche that is disrespected by all.

    Any of you OW/OM out there reading these posts and blogs and wondering what you should do? Just stop. JUST STOP. It’s not love. Even if it is love, so what?! It will change, you know it will, and can it possibly be worth it?? There’s millions of people out there. Why are you going after a married one? Do you have some kind of perverse personality flaw that your competitive ego won’t be satisfied until you can prove you can get some other woman’s husband? Is you ego that damaged this is the only way you can prove your worth? Do you seriously think he will leave his family and wife for you and even if he does you already know he’s a cheater. You want that? Trust me, you don’t.

    • gizfield March 5, 2015 at 12:32 pm #

      Great comment, Trying. I looked up the story of that painting of Mr. Clinton. Ugh. I read a month or two ago that Monica L had resurfaced and wrote a book or interview or something. Even after all that time, all she could do was talk about was HERSELF, how miserable her own actions made her, blah, blah, blah. Total self involvement. SHE is the victim, of course.

      I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I would just love to ask my husband “do you realize what a FOOL you made of YOURSELF?” by chasing a piece of middle aged ass while you were married, with a young child. But I don’t because what good would it do, anyway and would just cause an argument? Deep down, I imagine he knows. That’s why they keep their adulterous relationship a secret rather than tell anyone.

      If a successful man like Bill Clinton, the PRESIDENT of the United States, looks like a dumbass by cheating, how does your average, nominally successful (if that, in most cases) cheater think that he or she is any different??? I can’t think of any cheaters in the public eye who have improved their reputation in any way. Anyone who can think of one, please enlighten me. John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tori spelling, lol, Leigh Anne Rhymes, I’m sure the list is endless. All these people have made fools of themselves. No body says “oh, that’s what I want for my life.”

      And we all know that cheaters are always LIARS. There’s another much admired group. Just ask Brian Williams. I think that’s his name. The newscaster who lied about a helicopter experience. He looks like a dumbass, too. Years of experience and credibility, shot to hell. Pictures of himself on Mt. Everest, at the Kennedy assassination, with Tupac, in his car, lol. Everyone loves a good laugh, don’t they? Yet, your cheating spouse thinks they are the Exception, lol.

  26. Rachel March 5, 2015 at 6:05 am #

    Great post, trying hard

  27. TryingHard March 5, 2015 at 2:46 pm #

    Giz
    That is exactly what I said to my husband during DDay, “really, how many people are saying yeah that’s a good idea to leave your wife and go with the town whore?” No body supported him and EVERYONE was and is still laughing at him.

    Trust me I asked enough, what were you thinking? Now when it comes on the news I don’t have to say anything. He knows. Your h knows too. But maybe he thinks he got away with it if no one else knows. They love hiding behind the secret, what’s their business is no one else’s etc. Well it’s a matter of character and if this type of public humiliation doesn’t humble the cheater I don’t know what will. I believe these public people are the ultimate NPD people. I know my h has narcissistic traits. He thinks he’s moved on and is a different person. Maybe he is, time will tell. Right now I don’t care much as I’ve got bigger fish to fry!

    My point is any cheater who wants to pretend all this crap goes away is living in a fool’s paradise. It never goes away. They can blame the BS all they want, it’s not us it’s them. Their poor choices will haunt them long past their time on earth. Particularly the celebrities and politicians. Too bad so sad for them. Thing is they knew better too. Infidelity, cheating is nothing new. They’re jokes and so are the OW and OM.

  28. Strengthrequired March 8, 2015 at 6:19 pm #

    That worthless feeling still hangs around. I found out the other day that my h ow has expanded her family, she now has 5 instead of 3 children. You know, I can’t help but pray that these extra two children arent offsprings of my h. Finding out about these extra two, not sure how old they are, it has certainly sent my healing backwards. I actually am starting to believe that maybe I am either suffering from panic attacks or I am actually losing my mind, maybe heading down the path of a nervous breakdown. My h says he knows nothing of any other children she has had except for her first 3. It’s hard though not to wonder if they are his.
    You know at times I wish her well, yet if there was karma in this world, why is she not suffering, why does she seem to be enjoying her life by welcoming in two more into her family. Why is it that she is not going through the pain she has put me through, what makes her so special that she does not endure this pain I am going through. Where is her karma, or does it not apply to her?

    • Strengthrequired March 8, 2015 at 6:23 pm #

      I am starting to believe that there is no such thing as karma, that God won’t ever judge her for her wrong doings. I used to hang onto hope that someday her judgement day, or karma would arrive, but after three years of this nightmare, I doubt it will ever happen.

      • Strengthrequired March 8, 2015 at 6:33 pm #

        I have been thinking, about just how much my h affair has taken from us, in every aspect of our lives, and if he has had children with her, it has taken so much more from me and my children, and it will take even more not just my physical and mental , emotional state, but it will be a lifetime of monetary payouts to her and her chuldren, so where is the karma in that, she just keeps on winning. I just hope and pray that she has sucked someone else big time into giving her these children and a life, and it had nothing to do with my h, that these children are not his.. Would God actually have answered that prayer and given me at least that to be thankful for, her having had these children with someone else.

        • Strengthrequired March 8, 2015 at 7:01 pm #

          How do you stop thinking or fearing the worst?

  29. Tryinghard March 8, 2015 at 8:17 pm #

    SR.
    Personally I see brining ing 2 more totaling FIVE children without a husband as very bad karma!! Really you think she’s living a good life? And how on earth does this baby making machine support all these children? Now don’t you think if one of those babies were one of your husbands wouldn’t she be knocking on his door for support and to rub your nose in it?

    LOL I don’t see anything good in this woman’s life

    • Strengthrequired March 8, 2015 at 8:51 pm #

      Th, I’m hoping my h isn’t lying to me about this. I am hoping he truly has had nothing to do with her, since two years ago. I believe if they are someone else’s she would be married now, or back with her Exh. If it’s true that my h knows nothing, then I don’t want him to ever find out, yet I believe my freedom from this nightmare would be finding out she has either her h back, or someone else who isn’t my h that she is now clinging onto and it’s one of them that is these children’s father. Hopefully that’s the case and that’s the end of this.
      Yet I still wonder why she uses our surname on fb still to this day.
      I believe she would have stopped using it if someone else was in the picture.
      I do hope your right th. I truly hope your right. ATM, I feel like her having my h kids would be the final nail in my coffin.

      • Strengthrequired March 8, 2015 at 9:10 pm #

        Oh and th, I remember my h telling me how she thought I was a crazy person because I made him have so many children, and that I broke him because of it. Then on the other hand would tell him how she wanted children with him. So what does that make her? Especially now she now has 5?
        Then I remember telling my h, when he would blame me for all of his stress, because he didn’t want all of these kids,, how he was happy with two. I would say, well remain with her and your 6 will turn into 10 or more, so then what would your excuse be for all of your stress.? Because you have added her three, another woman and if you end up with her even more kids. So tell me then, who is the blame for you falling.
        Honestly if these are his kids, I am married to a fool. I won’t be able to look at him as the man that has children with me only, but the man that crushed all that is sacred in my life that I believed in. Which is why I wonder how would I ever be able to survive that.

    • Strengthrequired March 8, 2015 at 9:13 pm #

      She has two older children that would help her, money from the sale of her house, her job and government payments, if she is still not with her exh, the his child support payments too.

  30. on the edge March 8, 2015 at 11:57 pm #

    The feeling of worthlessness is the one area I still struggle with. My husband does not understand why I still feel so worthless. When he had his EA, I was home with 4 kids under the age of 4. I felt like I was a good mom and a good wife who was doing everything I could for everyone else. He told me that one of the reasons he was drawn to her was because I took him for granted and I was not carrying my weight. If I was giving my all then and it wasn’t enough, how can what little I have left to give now ever be enough again? I physically and emotionally cannot move forward. I don’t believe anything I will ever be able to do will be enough. And so I am stuck, And all the while the OW has moved on to a better relationship with a new boy friend, with whom she has gone on several vacations, more friends than she ever had before (all of whom think she is a wonderful person). It just sucks to be stuck feeling worthless.

  31. TryingHard March 9, 2015 at 11:02 am #

    On the Edge
    First, you are NOT worthless!!! I’m pretty sure your 4 children would agree with me. I’m pretty sure your parents, siblings, friends would agree with me. Just because someone treats you poorly is not an indictment on YOUR worth. It’s an indictment on HIS!!!

    Look his excuse for cheating is called blame shifting here in cheater town. In fact it was HE who took YOU for granted. He has to blame shift otherwise how could he look himself in the mirror. He cheated because he has a character flaw that he needs to self medicate, and yes cheating is just as bad if not worse than drug and alcohol abuse. Do not believe this reason for his cheating any more than you would believe if he told you the reason he cheated is because you were purple!!! He cheated because he took you for granted, didn’t think you’d find out, felt entitled to have some “fun” on the side, he is a selfish pig, she made herself very available and he took her up on it. Oh hell the list goes on and on however what is NOT on the list is YOU. He cheated because HE wanted to. Pure and simple. So quit saying you’re worthless just because some character flawed, entitled, narcissistic spoiled brat is trying to put the blame on you. Take that sign off your back that says Kick Me and straighten him out.

    Put this sign on your back. I AM NOT WORTHLESS AND I WON’T BE TREATED AS SO EVER AGAIN!!!!!!

    • Blue March 9, 2015 at 7:43 pm #

      I agree with you TH. I think a lot of my sadness and fear is about what my husbands cheating and deceiving said about him. My husband, the father of our dear children was a Coward and a Creep. I’ve never seen him be so mean as when he was cheating. This is what his co-cheater brought out in him- his worst self and it’s frightening.

      On the Edge: I just read something on Facebook. I feel it carries so much wisdom. Think about it and repeat this to yourself when someone makes you feel less than. I will be too.

      When someone is nasty or treats you poorly,
      don’t take it personally.
      It says nothing about you but a lot about them.

      • Tryinghard March 10, 2015 at 12:43 am #

        LOL Blue. Creep is my favorite word for people that cheat. Creeps, creepers!!!

        I get why they do it though. They have to not really respect themselves. They can’t stand it so they turn it around to we who are keeping them from being happy when really it’s yhem making themselves miserable at their own hand. They have to vilify in order to justify.

        Truly we have got to stop making it about us. That’s justifying in and of itself. If we blame ourselves then we have control of the situation. Truth is there is nothing we could have done to keep them from cheating. Can’t do anything if the decide to do it again. All we control is us. And I hope I ca n lift someone else up who thinks they are w orthless because in my eyes we are most definitely NOT worthless. The cheater maybe worthless and so is their AP, but we most certainly are not!! Of this I am POSITIVE.

      • Strengthrequired March 10, 2015 at 2:49 am #

        Blue, that’s exactly it, how good are these ow/om to the cs, if all they have done is bring the worst out in them. How can any of them justify that the ap was so wonderful, if all that person was able to accomplish was to bring out the worst in each other.
        its was scary too seeing such hatred for me in my h eyes, I had never before had, and hope to never experience again.

  32. Tryinghard March 10, 2015 at 12:44 am #

    And yes Blue it is sad what it says about him but that is his problem. Not yours. He did it all by himself. No one held a gun to his head. It’s sad when we learn our heroes have feet of clay.

  33. Tired April 27, 2015 at 5:08 pm #

    It has been a couple of months since I discovered that my husband of 46 years was having an affair for over 4 years with his 20 something student. Mostly the affair was online and he denies a physical relationship. We are both working hard now at renew our marriage, but I still feel totally stunned. How can a 60 something even begin to compete with a 20 something girl. I found out reading his chats with her and the things he said still blow me away. Worst of all is that he says he doesn’t remember the things he wrote and/or refuses to admit to them. Am I wrong to want some truth from him about the affair? He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore because he doesn’t want to be punished any longer. Should I accept this? From what I have read it seems to be important that the truth come out. Without truth I don’t think I can recove.

  34. zzzzzz June 11, 2015 at 5:33 am #

    wow. I cannot even describe what I am feeling after reading these posts. I know in my gut that my bf is having an EA—maybe more than one. He has never been married at age 60+ and has a harem of women who dote on him.

    I want to run scream and cry all at the same time. The OW (the one that I know of) is his best friend’s wife. He is an emotional slut and shared intimate information about our relationship with her (my marriage proposal to him–doesn’t get any more intimate than that huh) and she had the brass balls to let ME know that she knew about it and told him to say no—-oh yeah in a restaurant IN PUBLIC at a table with her husband sitting there. I had the decency to not excuse myself and get a cab and never look back.

    Things have never been the same since I found that out and they never will be.

    BUT—and I want every one of you women to say this to your self:

    I can do better. HE CAN’T.

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