after the emotional affairHow can falling asleep on the couch be a trigger after the emotional affair?

Recently, after a long week of teaching and getting up way too early, I fell asleep on the couch.  This is something I have consciously avoided since Doug’s emotional affair because that was something I’m sure he would complain about to Tanya.  So I usually try everything possible to stay awake.  I read, get up and walk around, anything that will avoid making that fatal mistake.

When I woke up, Doug said “Why don’t you go up to bed?” Well that was a trigger. It was something he would say during his emotional affair –  but in a not so nice voice.  I would stumble up to bed and he would go down to his computer.

When he said this I must have looked at him strangely, as my expression startled him.  He said it was a mean face, but honestly it was a look of fear.  Those words shot through me and I felt terrified.

When I went to bed I felt like a caged animal again, blanketed in insecurity and memories flashing through my head.  I couldn’t relax or settle down.  All I wanted to do was go downstairs to the computer and find something on the Internet that would comfort me.  Just as I used to do more than a year ago while his emotional affair was in full force.

I know I should have mentioned something to Doug since he is the one who should comfort me.  But sometimes I feel that this has been going on too often for too long.

I wonder how much I can expect from him, as there comes a time when I have to deal with these affair triggers and insecurities on my own.  I don’t want to continue being a victim and become a burden and expect comfort every time I get a strange feeling.

See also  Personal Stories - Coming Out of the Affair Closet

I’m sure that since after the emotional affair came to light I’ve clued into Doug’s moods, and sometimes when he isn’t being as receptive as normal I begin to worry.  I become insecure and need reassurance that he’s not thinking about Tanya. 

For me it has become a way of life, making a checklist in my head why Doug may be acting withdrawn or distracted.  Talking myself out of the negative thoughts that are clouding my head, resisting the urge to snoop and question.  The mind sure can be cruel at times.

I guess this is part of the affair recovery process that hopefully diminishes over time. I know that in the beginning the feeling occurred hourly.  Now it occurs perhaps just weekly or bi-weekly. 

I also know that our two year anniversary of the emotional affair “D-day” is coming up soon and I am already reliving the memory of the days that led up to that discovery. It is a question of strength.  How strong and confident can I be to push away the memories and the fears of the emotional affair?

[wlsp_signup]

LINESPACE

    20 replies to "Another Trigger After the Emotional Affair"

    • NotBroken

      I’m having a horrible day…. not sure what to do. Do I let it all out and explode and fight for a week, or just shut the hell up about it already.

      • Doug

        I subscribe to the theory of letting your feelings known, good or bad, but you might want to do it in a calm manner and not in an explosive one. Try not to be argumentative.

      • ppl

        sorry to hear it. would consider waiting if you are angry. that will magnify whatever you are experiencing. dont keep it a secret but would not discuss while angry. can only escalate. easier advise to give than receive or even follow myself but always regret things said in anger. dont wait so long that thing fester but maybe writing a letter to yourself or him could let you vent until you are able to discuss without as much anger.

        • NotBroken

          Thank you all for the advice. I’m going to try and hold it in until i’m not as angry. I’m just having one of those days when the flashbacks are playing in my mind non-stop. Why do i have to suffer and show so much control?! Why can’t it be him who suffers for his stupid mistake.

          • Michael

            Its not only us that suffer. If we are still with our spouse they have a heavy burden to bear also.
            I think it is a lot more healthy to express yourself than to hold it in. I feel a whole lot better today.

          • ruth

            I was just telling someone today that I wish I could just make my brain stop seeing the images in my mind. If I could just stop remembering the past. I do notice its getting less and less but I have so so many triggers yuck!!!!

    • Jeffrey Murrah

      Linda,

      In the old Irish Breton laws, it was considered a crime if a man did not go to bed when his wife did. Although modern minds find the idea amusing, there was wisdom in it.

      As part of the rebuilding process, a recommendation that I often make is that the couple goes to bed at the same time. The practice has many benefits in rebuilding the marriage. One of those benefits is that it begins synchronizing their patterns.

      An added benefit for you would be the neutralization of another trigger.

      • Linda

        Jeff, We always go to bed at the same time now. That night though Doug was working late and watching a football game, and he was concerned that he was keeping me awake. For what it’s worth, he came up 5 minutes later. I agree though with what you say. Linda

    • Michael

      Wow. Are we all having one of those moments.
      Its been a bad couple of days. Something triggered it and I had been in a low. Well last night I looked at her old phone. The one she had when she started her affair. And his number was still in there. I found that his number was the only number that had a ring tone for him. The song was titled “our song”. Needless to say it set me off.
      When she came home from soccer with my son (kinda late) I showed her the phone.
      Her response was, I don’t even remember that. And she blew it off. So I started my discussion about it. She can remember things the two of them did 18 years ago, but can’t remember this from 10 months ago.
      I expressed my feelings and she deflected, defended, and minimized everything I brought up.
      A told her that we need to work through this so that it doesn’t happen again. She told me that this would never happen again because she not stupid like she was then. So I didn’t think she quite got it.
      She kept saying she just saw him as a friend and that she didn’t know what he really wanted. About an hour into the talk, with her saying things were taken out of context and not sure what she meant answers, I decided to show her how I saw it.
      I showed her the 1800 text in the first 2 weeks. The 35 hours of phone calls. The pitiful messages between them after the time I had texted him. The emails from her to me about being in a better place and not talking to him anymore. All while she was. Still talking to him.
      She sat and listened and when I was done I asked her if she understood why I still feel this way. And why I don’t trust her still.
      I think she understands how I feel.

    • Donna

      Triggers… I hate them although I DID have a break through moment for myself the other night. I was in the bathroom and my husbands phone was in with me. It took just about everything in me to not pick up his phone and look at it. I was not sure what a I would find anyway. I then thought that even though he does not deserve my trust, I feel that I need to give him an element of my trust for both of us, more me though to move on. I could hear him lurking near the bathroom door, I am sure he expected me to look at his phone. I called out to him that Iwas not looking and he acted as though he did not know what I was referring too. He said that he forgot his phone was there. Anyway, he said there was nothing to see on it had I looked. Anyway.. make a long story short, he went in to get his phone and asked my why was it in a different place. I said I do not know why. He said again, well it ihas been moved. He was accusing me of looking and not admitting to it. I was deeply hurt as it really took all my will power to not look at it. I told him that I did not look at it again. Anyway, I didn’t yell, however he knew I was upset. He went out and I text him and told him that I was sorry for being upset however it hurts when I get accused of something that I didn’t do and how massive it was for me not to look, also that I was giving him some trust as we need to move forward etc… I might be foolish, only he can answer that one for me! Anyway, he texted me back and thanked me for not looking even though there was nothing to see etc…
      I am proud of me for not looking anyway. I know some may think I had every right and that I am being foolish for giving him a little trust back etcc… however I need to do this for me.

      We had a big talk on Sunday while we drove to go get Pizza for dinner. I asked him if he still contacted OW. He said yes, only every now and again though, not as much. She is moving 4 hours away this week… WOOHOO!! Anyhow, I said to him thank you for not getting angry with me asking you this and he responded that I seem different. I told him that I have come to an acceptance of what has happened and recognise that he loves another woman more than his wife etc… he responded that things are changing Donna. I was quiet for a bit trying to process that comment. He said that is good Donna, this is a positive for you. Through the conversation he kept saying things are changing. I am unsure as to what that means… I don’t want to read to much into it, I am scared too, what do you think he means.

      I told him that I miss his touch, not sexually but his cuddles. He said he sometimes wants to cuddle me but he just can’t right now. He doesn’t want to hurt me. I would love to chip into his head and see what the goings on in there are. So very confusing. Anyhow, it was a positive conversation and we have actually not argued in 3 weeks. Been frustrated yes, however no arguments.

    • LizS

      Wow Donna good for you! I have done the same thing i have had to fight the urge to look at his phone or dial a number I don’t kow on the bill..but I have doneit and I fel a while lot better about then I think what the hell you could have been sure, but will I ever be sure no so I let it go…til next time 🙂

    • Last2know

      I look at My H’s phone not everyday but every now and then and purposely put it back differently so he knows hoping he will ask me but he never asks. I am not there yet and he has nothing to hide so no harm done.

    • LizS

      My husband never let the phone out of his sight, so I never had the chance to sneak a peak and I can remember a time when I picked it up to use it and he went nuts asking what I was doing and I told him I was going to call his mom and he said give me I will do it! I remember asking him what was going on and he said nothing it would just be easier if I did it! Wow, that stings a bit now that I know why I was scolded for touching the phone! I would have found out a lot sooner had I asked questions or took a peek!

      • Michael

        LizS- Wow that brings back a day just before I found out. We just bought her a new laptop. Setting it up I used a common password that we use at my house. A phrase that is very much me. I do all the tech stuff, so thats pretty normal.
        When she went to use it she asked for the password and jumped all over me and questioned “WHY does it have to be that”. Real snotty, real selfish, real rude.
        I was put off and didnt understand the why, untill I found out. If only I would have seen the signs. If only I would have questioned the $380 phone bills. Wow, Was I stupid and trusting up till that day. That day wich loomes ever so closer to coming around again.

    • LizS

      Michael-Isnt it crazy how all the signs were there but we never picked up on them. I am amazed at how much trust I truely had for my husband and how I believed everything he told me until the first lie…and as soon as that first lie was told I have questioned every breath he takes…I stare at him and ask “why”? Im like you the cell phone was the life line for them. The bill is in my name I could have looked…I could have looked!

    • Rushan

      I also didn’t look at th ephone in the beginning but later on I looked but couldn’t find any until I found out that he delted each time they contact, but one day he forgot to delete messages received in another place onhis phone and I found out. from then on he kept his phone with him. Now that it is over I try my best not to look because he told me everythings over and he doesn’t contact her anymore, but I know he does because sometimes something slips out and I know he couldn’t know it if she hasn’t told him. She is also living a few hours away now, but she comes to town now and then. Last week was the first time he told me she had been here, but Ithink someone saw them together and he was afraid that that person wil tell me. So I am still unsure what to think. I am giving himthe benefit of the doubt so that we canheal our marrige and carry on, but it is so difficult when there is a trigger like this weekend. I am trying very hard

      • sixstringslinger

        Rushan,
        Coming from the man’s angle here, he isn’t being honest. If he really wants you’re trust and work on your marriage, he needs to totally break it off with the OW and be transparent. There is NO WAY you are going to heal from this is he doesn’t do those things because he is proving that he is hiding things from you. If you’re not already, I suggest counceling, if not for the both, at least for you.

    • sixstringslinger

      I have to keep a conscious effort not to get upset if something triggers my wife. I have no right to be angry with her for her “feeling” scared or triggered. If I am having a bad day (where I isolate and live in my head) I need to be honest with her if she asks me if “everything is ok”. Honestly, those are the times I don’t feel like talking, but I have to force myself to for her sake. It can get really ugly really fast if I don’t assure her that I’m ok with “us” and what is really upsetting me.

      • Doug

        Sixstring, It sounds like you are doing your best to feel empathy and help your wife through your EA. Keep it up.

    • Kristine

      I broke into my husband’s phone when I got wind of something not being right. I found some flirty emails and went ballistic. Since he was “on the hunt” for someone and that person fizzled out (yes I called the number that was in her email signature) when he met the woman he had an affair with, he was much more keen to not leaving his phone around. I don’t even know to this day almost a year out from reconciliation where he kept it. For all I know he slept with it in his pocket. That thing was INVISIBLE to me lol it might have been under his pillow or something but he NEVER left that thing lying around. He took it in the bathroom, if he got up to get a drink of water he had it in his pocket. He used to put it on the charger at night in his office. Not anymore. I don’t know WHEN he charged that thing because it was never NOT on him. I had no chance to peek again but I knew something crazy was going on since he was so protective of it.

      Now that’s he’s out of his affair (or let’s call it what it is, it’s ADULTERY, INFIDELITY, SEXUAL IMMORALITY) he leaves his phone lying around ALL THE TIME. He’ll even show me things on it that he’s looking at which used to cause me to wince when he first returned. I remember the first time I touched his phone after he came back home. He asked me to hand it to him and it felt so foreign. It was a huge source of pain for me for a long time, it was a contraption used to live out his adultery and touching it was hard. I know he looks at doing that as a show of doing a 180 but it really brought me so much pain to see him on it or to just LOOK AT IT.

      Also when he first returned when his phone would beep that he got a text, if he left the room I’d peek over it to see who it was that was texting him. Then I realized he could have programmed his phone so that it would show another name instead of hers so what was the point? Thinking all of that got me to realize he was going to do what he wanted to do regardless of what I thought or what I found. I had to just go through the process and keep working at everything.

      We’re almost a year out from reconciliation, almost 16m from D day and I do feel a whole lot better about trust and not ALL of my triggers have the same weight any longer but my biggest trigger is still my biggest trigger. I don’t know WHEN that will go away. I really don’t.

      One thing I’m learning is the same thing you have Linda. I can’t rely on my husband to COMFORT me every time I have a sorrowful moment or a trigger. Some of this is ME work. Last night we were watching a movie and this woman was in a full on affair. Her phone was lying next to the bed in the movie and it was her husband calling her over and over while she ignored it and was having sex with her affair partner. I had to leave the room, it was too much, it reminded me of when I’d call my husband and he was so short and so rude and mean or he wouldn’t answer at all and it made me think. It made him feel bad so he stopped watching the movie all together then I felt bad he stopped watching the movie and there was this 10 minute moment of uncomfortableness.

      Today it happened again on another show (has anyone else noticed how much adultery is portrayed on tv and in movies like it’s nothing? like it’s so exciting and pleasurable and no consequences are on the horizon?) but I decided I can’t KEEP doing this. At some point I have to recognize the WHYs and then move along. I already know WHY I don’t like to see it so make note and then move along. Am I really going to leave the room every time something on tv comes up that is a trigger? Am I going to turn the radio every time a song comes on that causes a trigger? Some of it I have to force myself to move past because those triggers want us to spiral downward and wreck our present moments.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.