recovering from an affairThe following post was written by one of our readers, Duane.  In this post Duane briefly summarizes where he and his wife are at currently and gives those recovering from an affair encouragement to fight on for a better future.

Some of you may remember Duane (I notice that he has recently changed his username to “D”) as he wrote a wonderful post a little over a year ago entitled,  “Affair Recovery and the 7 Stages of Grief.”

“When my wife confessed her 18 month affair to me I immediately ran to Google to search for success stories, the one’s where all was forgiven because the cheating spouse did everything in his/her power to right the wrongs. I never found a one. The most promising stories were the ones where the couple redefined their marriage, accepting the weave of the affair into the fabric of their marriage story (their metaphor, not mine) and those weren’t good enough.

However, three years later and that metaphor is not only apropos, it’s welcome (even warm and cuddly.) It is exactly how I feel. We’ve been through hell and back and proudly bear the scars of our journey.

The first two years were really bad, but we wanted the marriage to work so, while being true to ourselves, we both made the necessary compromises and found the patience to allow our marriage to mend in its own time. It’s not like it was, but in hindsight it wasn’t that great. We buried too many emotions, hid too many secrets, and chose harmony too many times over truth.

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This past year has been about creating a new normal, one where we speak our minds and allow that our feelings may hurt the other, but that it’s just part of the process, part of being a grown-up (even though we’re both in our forties). We laugh more and talk openly about a great many things. We look forward to sharing our time together. We make love passionately. We are good friends once again. This coming year will be our twentieth wedding anniversary and the trials and tribulations we’ve survived have given us a sense of accomplishment, of deserved accolades.

There is still work to do. I’m emotionally guarded and still distant from her at times. I can’t help it. Like an abused child I instinctively flinch under a raised hand. It’s not that I’m afraid she’ll do it again. It’s more that I don’t want to care if she does, so it’s hard to invest. But I’m relying on patience and time. Overall, I’d say there is hope for a positive outcome.

I like to write once in a while to provide some hope to seemingly overwhelming situations. This website has been a lifesaver to me on many a dark day. Marriages can and do survive. I believe in most cases cheaters cheat because there are deeper personal issues being avoided that have nothing to do with the betrayed. The betrayed cannot take it personally. It isn’t personal. And, in my case, though I’d venture to guess in many or even in most cases, as time passes the affair not only lessens in severity but also becomes a bump in the marriage, or to use another metaphor, a hitch in the stitching.

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Three years after D-day and we are still here. I wish everyone on this site happiness and security in themselves, and to go forward in their healing with courage and love.”

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LINESPACE

    37 replies to "An Update After 3 Years of Recovering From an Affair"

    • Natalia

      What an interesting post. I can totally relate to this paragraph: “This past year has been about creating a new normal, one where we speak our minds and allow that our feelings may hurt the other, but that it’s just part of the process, part of being a grown-up (even though we’re both in our forties). We laugh more and talk openly about a great many things. We look forward to sharing our time together. We make love passionately. We are good friends once again.”
      March 3, 2013 will mark 3 years since D-day for me. I can certainly say that I am in a much better place now. My H has made a total change in his behavior, our marriage is back to when we first got married and the furture looks bright. I hope soon to completely eliminate all triggers and return to trusting my H. I know I’ll never trust blindly again, you only do that once. But I feel I can trust that he will not break my heart again. We’ve both learned a lot from all the books we’ve read and I always read him the posts from this blog that I think reinforce our healing process.

    • Paula

      Duane, well done, and thank you for sharing some hope here. Much needed on these forums!

      We have come a long way, too. it will be four years this year for us. We are coming up to 25 years of living together, with my best mate in all the world. I am not quite as good as you and Natalia, there is much healing, in that I was lucky to have a man who knew the damage, did the work, and wanted change for the better. He had ended his affair with my former friend before I ever had a clue. (She told me, very bravely via text after she realised he really meant it was over!) I have some underlying issues that I have not been able to overcome, as yet, even with a lot of help and research. I was raped at uni by someone I knew, I needed medical attention, and some surgery, and thought I had dealt with it all, really neatly, never really gave it too much thought over the years, I knew it happened, I didn’t blame myself, never mind, but it has only surfaced later in this healing journey. My partner knew about the rape – I told him about it after a few years together. He was my first, and to date, only, lover. I have completely lost my sex life. Completely, in just my mid 40s. It was fine for two years, and the past 20 months it has been gone, I cannot be present, and there is absolutely NO enjoyment, only leaving my body to avoid the pain of the mind movies, etc. I, and we, have seen a sex therapist, to no avail. We have stopped engaging altogether for periods of time – at the advice of the therapist (we were doing other exercises at the time, on her instruction.) We WERE the couple who still had a fabulous sex life after more than two decades and three children together, most days, even during his fifteen month affair, probably part of the reason I never saw what was literally right under my nose! My problem started when I asked him to leave two years after D-day, and he went back to her, after all we had been through, and all the work we did, all the really great sex(!) and all of her bunny boiling interference, that made him see her for what she was – a distraction from what we needed from each other. And he went back, after more than two years, for one more sex session. I know we were separated, I don’t consider what he did cheating, we were done. I logically understand his motives (he wanted to see what he had chucked away nearly 25 years for, and to see if it had been worth it.) He met with her the morning after I kicked him out, and he drove the several hours to her house two days later to have sex with her again. We remained separated for some months, and when we felt we were ready (and it was supposed to be a permanent separation, we changed our minds!) he moved back home, full disclosure all along the way, and perfect honesty, the whole time. I didn’t think it would affect me, but I have NO sexual trust – they gave me diseases that made me feel filthy and disgusted in their selfishness, and there are also issues about that, although, thankfully he did use a condom the last time they had sex, after we had been “cleaned up” :-). I don’t know where to from here anymore. I have finally reached a place of true acceptance, and to be fair, I think I avoided that mentally for so long, because I knew I wouldn’t like it, lol! I don’t. It is like, this is it, this is my life now, no matter what I try, I cannot recover fully. This isn’t even about recovery of the relationship anymore, this is about reclaiming my sexuality – and my sanity? – for me, together, or alone, as it is not about the man I am with, I don’t want sex with ANYONE! Who the heck is this girl??? This is full recovery. We love each other, we have done so much work, and yet we still have this loss that I cannot overcome. Bloody frustrating!

    • Carol

      This post gives me some hope that maybe things will get better in time. I too feel like someone who’s been hit and now flinches at the slightest movement, as it were, and I think I too keep emotional distance because I just don’t want to be hurt again. As Duane says: it’s not so much the fear that my CS will do it again — sadly, I never would have thought he’d do it in the first place, so now that I know for a fact that he has lied to me about his interactions with several women and had a 6-month EA with one of them that trust is permanently gone — but the fear that I’ll be hurt again if/when he does. It’s always eerie to me how similar our experiences are.

    • Duane

      I’m happy to hear others are entering a good place. I suspect most move on from the affair one way or another and are never heard from again, understandably.

      Paula, ire beer your story from a while back. I’m really sorry you’ve lost your sex drive. I wish there was some advice to give, but every situation is unique. I can tell you that acceptance, patience and courage go a long way. I’m fond of this saying from, I believe, Winston Churchill, “Sometimes the wrong decision is the best one.” You can Ingerpret that however it suits you, but whether your marriage remains or not, it’s important to keep in mind that this is your one and only life and if you feel the battles you fight are worth it, then throw yourself into it whole-hearted lay, courageously. What is the worst that can happen? Face that fear and I can guarantee it won’t be so frightening.

      Carol, in the same vein (and I’ve found this approach to be helpful), what if he does do it again? It’s not worth living your life worrying about infidelity because there’s no control over it. If it happens, it happens. Easier said than done, I know. But I think my attitude has helped us both in our marriage. It’s allowed me to release the anger, and her the burden of guilt, which in turn allowed us Bo to relax and find that magic we first saw in one another int he first place. good luck to you.

      • Paula

        Thanks Duane. Love the Churchill quote, as with so many others of his (and those of others that have helped me on this journey 🙂 ) I accept, I think I have mostly been very patient, and I hope I have shown courage. I agree with you entirely, there is only this one life, and I have been very mindful not to waste it on the stuff you can’t change. However, I do feel like I have wasted almost four years, in some respects, on this sadness, trying REALLY hard to find a way to improve my outlook. I am not afraid. Not afraid to be on my own, if necessary, not afraid of future cheating. If I am afraid of anything it is that I will never get “better” in the way I want. I have attempted to throw caution to the wind on SO many occasions, to enjoy lovemaking,to face it all head on – I do that daily with the mind movies that I can’t seem to erase, approaching them, shrinking them, re-interpreting them, but I just can’t seem to get there. I never saw this dysfunction coming, it was not any part of my past, of the way I have approached life – or sex, lol! I am at a loss about what to do for me about this, I have sought help, and not got the results I hoped for. I have an incredible man, so patient, so remorseful, so gentle, so willing to do whatever it takes, and I can’t seem to get there! Sexual frustration much hahaha! Sorry, just venting, nowhere to put all of this invisible frustration in my “real life!” Once again, it is SO good to hear your progress, Duane. I am supposed to be in the self imposed process of leaving this blog, but three posts in one day, good grief! Just know, that I am better, in so many ways, but this is a big one that I/we have struggled with for quite some time!

    • tryingtoowife

      Mr D. I was wondering what happened to you, and since your attitude here was always so positive, I had expected this good news. I am glad I was not wrong. You have always faced this situation with such a positive attitude that I was hugely helped by your insightful posts. We were hurt so much but we survived and that is a lesson in itself! I am close to 3 years and I am working towards moving on as well. Should I say that I had enough? Yes, I do. I am tired of many things, but especially tired of trying so hard. I want a life where it makes sense just to be. I was asked by my counselor what else can my husband do to help me to move on? If I leave all my pride aside, I can honestly say that there is nothing else HE can do. He has done all he can humanly do, to show he is sorry, repented and help us. So, it is up to me and me only to help us now, and together we move forward, and hopefully for better. I have to be brave and let myself be loved again, I have to start accepting that our lives is good and in some aspects even better than before. I have to accept that, that is it, this is the life we have, and be happy again. OK, I will be guarded as most of us will, so what? I am not afraid anymore, apart from being afraid of getting stuck, and I will not. Thank you Duane, for showing that it is possible to achieve what I found impossible 3 years ago, in fact if wasn’t for this blog, I would have given up very early on, thanks God I found it! I am a work in progress and really hope to get there soon.

    • tryinghard

      Trytowife and Duane
      As usual with so many of these posts, you took the words out of my mouth. However in my case there are a few more things my H can do to help me recover. I am working on those. But he has changed so much since DDay and I really see the difference and I tell him that I notice and appreciate it. I have all the same feelings you have. We do need to stay positive and it is when I get negative that my fears and anxiety start to rear its ugly head. I don’t want these feelings anymore and am working very hard to overcome them. I am sick of them intruding on my wonderful life. Yes Duane we do only have one life and we must live it. I love love your point about worrying and fretting over whether the affair will start up again. You are right I have NO control over it. It is NOT in my hands. This is a very healing message for me. I am going to concentrate on that message.
      I too love this blog and I relate to so much that is posted. It is comforting to know that we share so much and express it here without any judgement (well except when we judged Jody but that doesn’t count. She lost us when she attacked the wife :). I think it is so important to be able to write this stuff down and get it out.

      Thanks also to Doug and Linda for starting this and keeping it going.. It was brave.

    • forcryin'outloud

      Duane thanks for the inspiring post. It’s been 2.5 yrs since the big D-day and about a year since the last. I feel we are just getting our sea legs into this “new” marriage. As much as I wish this never happened it changed our relationship for the better. Maybe I should say it changed my H for the better. Like Duane said “in most cases cheaters cheat because there are deeper personal issues being avoided that have nothing to do with the betrayed.” That has been the big takeaway from this entire ordeal for both me and my H. Like he told me the other night it wasn’t a “relationship” it was selfishness.

    • Dave

      Wow…

      I too am at the 3 mark and while I can say my wife’s done quite allot, I’m far from your position. In fact, and no disrespect intended, but I don’t think I wish to be either.

      You see, I was a good husband and I was very committed to my marriage. I had opportunities, some even quite good, but I always put my family first. A marriage with sincere closeness and trust is what I’ve wanted and while I understand that will always face challenges… I feel confident in saying that stabbing me and my children in the back is beyond the realms of anything I should have to endure.

      I can always get past someone making mistakes but when it comes to an affair, or even multiple affairs, that’s a whole new ballgame. If someone’s going to be my wife then they should be my best friend too. That means you would never do anything you know would destroy me, jeopardize my relationship with the children, or potential even give me a life threatening disease. I’d rather discover you stole something of even got addicted to drugs than find out you were activly and consciously harming me behind my back.

      I have friends I would literally take a bullet for, but none I’d put a bullet in… No matter what I was offered. The truth is, when she did these things to me, I discovered that the person I thought I had married never really existed. Also, we had a great relationship too, one of those “Nobody ever would have expected” types, which makes it worse.

      If some old ex can come along and scoop you up that easily, without a second thought of any remorse, than this is not the kind of marriage I want for myself. Is that too much to ask? Maybe… But I’m okay with that.

      So if you’ve been able to overlook some awful facts and replace them with a new trust and hope, then I’m truly happy for you friend. That said, I don’t feel comfortable ever saying things like “These are scars I proudly bare” or “its part of the fabric of our marriage”.

      These are her scars, her threads… and her choice to bring them into existence. I’ve only one life and this is not the kind of relationship I want of it. I want to be someone’s everything, and as unlikely as that seems in today’s world, I’m willing to be nieave enough to still believe it exists.

      I sincerely commend you my friend, but I can’t say I envy you.

      • Untold

        Dave your story and sense of where you are sounds eerily like mine. I would guess the old ex reconnected by facebook? I struggle daily with the lack of sustained remorse, rugsweeping and flat out denial. I really think my CW’s problem is she can’t bear to accept what she really did. She does not acknowledge what she is really capable of. As a result she cannot make necessary changes in behavior to move away from the selfish thinking toward a more compassionate, empathetic approach. The respect, recognition and appreciation for what I have endured and done to try to preserve the family can’t be brought out from within her because that too would mean owning and being accountable for her behavior. It’s sad and sickening. Seems my only alternative is to distance and/or separate. Tough to swallow after 28 years.

      • Seagull

        Hello Dave – I wonder how things are going after ten years?

    • StruggleStreet

      Hi Dave, your story is just like mine. And your comment about being emotionally guarded and still distant at times because you are “not afraid she’ll do it again. It’s more that I don’t want to care if she does, so it’s hard to invest” is exactly where I am at. I used to love my husband to an exceptional level. I have never adored anyone in my life the way I adored him. I used to brag about how great of a man he was, how he was my everything, and we were admired by our friends as just being an amazing couple. Then I felt something change. He became more “busy” in his office, texting all the time, I felt like I didn’t really know what was going on with him. Six months into his affair, I pretty much knew there was someone else. But I couldn’t figure out the when and how and if it was real or just in my head. Just short of a year, i found proof. Anyway, its been a year and three months and while we are still together, in my heart we are not married anymore. I struggle constantly with what to call him, how to introduce him, and how to love him. Forgiveness is not something that comes natural to me. I can’t find my way to it. And sometimes i wish he’d just find someone else so I could just stop trying so hard every day. I wish you luck and I wish me luck. I think the best I can hope for in the future is just not to care as much as I do now. And maybe that’s enough?

      • StruggleStreet

        Update – its now been 1.9 years and I am still struggling, but I do it more quietly. I think about his affair probably 3 or 4 times a week as opposed to several times a day, but it is always there in the shadows. On the surface we are in a better place, we get on well and have continued positively with family and friends. We have a sex life although sometimes i have to focus quite hard to remove the thought of the other woman from my mind while we are making love. Always she is there and the betrayal still hangs over me. My love for him has irrevocably changed, and it will never ever change back to what it once was. I have heard people talk about relationships getting better if couples can put in the time and honesty to move forward after an affair. We are both putting in the time, his driven by a desire to make up for his mistakes, mine driven by a desire to keep my family together, but I can’t say after all this time I feel like the affair was a needed catalyst to a better marriage. There is no marriage here. I removed both rings forever. There are two people that love each other and exist in a tarnished loving relationship. There is no trust here though, not on my part anyway. I wonder what the 2 year mark will bring…

        • Shifting Impressions

          StruggleStreet
          I can totally relate to your comment. When my husband had an EA I no longer felt married….and this after almost forty years of marriage. I felt much the same way you do at almost 2 years after d-day. I cried almost every day for three years if that’s any consolation. After three years the crying slowly stopped but I was still left with a deep sadness. After five years I started to feel like a survivor.

          Did our relationship get better? Isn’t that a loaded question. At almost six years we are still together and in all honesty I still struggle at times. I wish it had never happened but it did. Maybe our struggle over the past years has made us stronger…..I am sure it has. For me it has been a one step forward two steps back type of struggle. I am not sorry I stayed.

          My advice is baby steps….one day at a time.

          • StruggleStreet

            @Shifting Impressions – thank you for your response. Yes baby steps into the future. its strange though, i used to be fiercely protective of my marriage and believed he was as well. I was propositioned many times prior to his EA, and it was never hard for me to say no. Yet when a colleague of his made it clear that her vagina was available to him, he jumped on in. And now, I don’t feel protective at all of what we have in any way. The door is open, and if someone wants to walk in and take him, and he wants to go, I will simply close the door after he leaves. No talk, no fight, no tears. I still love him and I am still trying to work through this with him, but its a blurry kind of love. It doesn’t really have a focus, there is no direct line drawn to our future. We just stumble along day to day. I am sure he thinks we are in a better place then we are, but that is just because I stopped talking about how I am feeling. Its become pointless to tell him when she surfaces in my mind, when thoughts of them together make me feel like I am slowly suffocating. I just stay silent. He brought this silence into my life, and because of it, there is no forgiveness here. I haven’t worked out how to do that. But for the kids, and for an ember of hope, I stay.

            • Shifting Impressions

              Struggle Street
              I so understand where you are coming from. After this kind of betrayal the BS faces a battle of epic proportions! It’s a battle that we fight within ourselves. Do you have anyone that you can talk to? Are you getting any kind of support?

            • StruggleStreet

              @Shifting Impressions – I was in counselling (both joint and on my own) for the first few months, Now its just me. I do have a friend I can talk to, but generally I just try to deal with it on my own. I hope time will make it less traumatic.

            • Shifting Impressions

              Struggle Street
              It’s a difficult and long journey to be sure. I also went for individual counseling and a few close friends were extremely supportive. Also two of my adult children were absolutely amazing. There were times I just needed a shoulder to cry on and sometimes just someone to vent my pent up rage with. I think it’s important to allow ourselves to grieve.

              It also took a long time for my husband to show true remorse without becoming defensive. It also took a few years before he was able to sit and listen to my pain and not become defensive. Something that helped was we put one hour aside every week to talk about the affair and how we were feeling etc. But even though he agreed to do this….he would try to find ways to get out of it. I had to fight for that hour.

              I also kept a journal of sorts….and poured out my pain there. The journal was for my eyes only. Once in a while I look back at those journal entries and see just how far we have come.

              I also educated myself on infidelity. I read and read so many books. But the most helpful place for me was right here on this site. I would read through the posts and comments. Everyone’s stories made me feel not so alone. It was a place I could come no matter what hour in the night, when sleep alluded me. It was amazing how many of the posts were so timely for my own situation.

              Remember we are here for you…..it’s too hard to go it alone.

    • Ramonita

      We are 3 years from when I found out about my husbands affair. I loved reading your story because it sounds a lot like mine. I wanted to hear about the success stories. We are in a very similar place as you and I thank you because it makes me feel a little more normal.

    • KimG

      3 years out and sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision to stay in the marriage. I know it was the right decision to keep my family together especially for my children, but as for myself, I still feel tremendous loss at times. My husband has done everything possible to redeem himself, but, yes, the distance is still there. When he says I love you, there’s always that split second where I hesitate to say it back. Sometimes I choose not to say it at all. It’s hard to walk away from a marriage, a life you’ve built for 20 years, but I have to say it’s even harder to stay. Do I love my husband? Yes, but not the same as I did before the affair. I wonder if I’ll ever experience that type of love again. Our marriage is solid, our friendship has been restored, we enjoy each others company, and I miss him when he’s not around, but, it just feels like there’s always something broken. Imagine if the handle of your favorite coffee mug broke off. You glue it back on. It’s still usable. It’s still your favorite cup, but you can’t help be disappointed every time you see the crack because it’s no longer perfect or as strong as it was in its original state. That’s how I describe my marriage right now. I really give props to people who choose to stay. It’s the hardest thing to go through and you have to be really strong to make it. Welcome to the club none of us wanted to be in.

      • Ramonita

        I could’ve written this myself! I feel the same exact way and you just put it into words for me. Thank you! I don’t feel so crazy now 🙂

        • KimG

          I’m glad I’m not alone. Struggling these past few days. Your comment made me feel better.

      • Heelsdugin

        I LOVE your comment “welcome to the club nobody wanted to be in”

    • Shifting Impressions

      KimG
      I know the feeling all too well….
      It’s been five years for me but every now again I have that overwhelming sense of loss.. I am not sure if staying is anymore difficult than leaving as I only know what it is like to stay. Had I left I never would have known whether we could work things through or come as far aw we have come. If it’s any consolation I did find things got noticeably easier after the first three years. Slowly and I mean slowly things are still improving but I do have my sad moments now and again.

      • KimG

        It’s good to hear from someone whose 5 years out. I’m coming to the realization that you don’t get over an affair, you just have to get through it to the other side. It gives me hope to know it can get better.

        • Shifting Impressions

          KimG
          I think you are right about not getting over it but getting through to the other other side. Even if your CS does everything right (if that’s even possible) we BS’s are left to fight an battle of epic proportions!!!

    • StruggleStreet

      It’s good to read of anther persons progress. I wish I was there. It’s been 1 year and 5 months after I discovered their affair. If I allow myself to stop and really think about it, about him sneaking out to see her, his texts every evening to her, she becoming his last thought at night and first in the morning, the intrusion into my home and him throwing the door wide open to it, it makes me wish I was a different person. I feel them together at work every day, the close proximity especially thrilling for them. I have moments of envy for those that were able to walk away from the brokenness and infection of their marriage and restart their lives. If we didn’t have children I too would have gone that way. But for them, those sweet little faces, I’ve tried to open my heart to forgiveness. When I don’t feel any love for him, I pretend it’s there, a fake it till you make it deployment. And when I do feel love for him I remain guarded. I mourn for that pure arrogant defiant love that I once had. I try to welcome the humble and hushed voice of love that is here now. I wonder what my future holds for me now. I hope I will wake up one morning and feel our love like sunshine on my face. That’s all I’ve got right now. My hope.

      • lyn

        Yes I can understand so perfectly…still after l.5 years Im still wondering how this awesome man I trusted for so long had an affair at work and acted like nothing could have been further from the truth…Wow…so weird how we trust our husbands…I love him I hate him…sometimes I just want to call it quits…they did not care how we felt at the time…I say we can do better and should just drop them…so big deal they are sorry…ya sorry pieces of crap…Am I bitter…sure I admit it..I am bitter…who wouldn’t be…so easy to say things are getting better…really..with someone who cheated…he said we were twinsouls and I am sure he said the same thing to his other lover who rejected him anyway…but he didn’t want to lost both of us so he lied and deceived me…whew…I pray for Gods guidance and hope he will lead me in the right direction…which of course I and maybe we already know…best to all…

        • Shifting Impressions

          Lyn
          I know what you mean about the love him hate him thing……so hard isn’t it. It’s almost six years since d-day for me and I know I will never really understand how and why.

          But it does get easier with time. A lot depends on whether your husband shows true remorse and is willing to listen to your feelings regarding the devastation he has caused. I was still pretty raw at 1.5 years.

    • Kerry

      Hey Duane,
      It’s 2021. Just wondering how it’s going now after 10 years?.

    • Ruth

      I was glad to see this post because I have been triggered again with anger and resentment. It’s been three years. I am angry that he cannot tell me when he wants to be intimate and goes to bed without telling me. Yet, he would lie at one time and go to any length to see this woman in the past. When he broke up with her, she stalked him and me for two years-It has been hard to heal successfully. I am okay and then a trigger–I want to go to the couch and not go to bed. I am feel humiliated in the betrayal even though it is over and done. Thanks for sharing your recovery and the journey back to trust.

    • Phoebe

      It’s been 7 years for us now. D day was a milestone birthday for me . It has been forever ruined. I read all of your stories and they are so similar. Recovery is so hard, to go back and do it again I would divorce. Yes we are fine but he gave away something special and shared it with a wrist cutting nut job, it lasted for 6 months. I was the wife with the (army) husband that everyone admired and commented on his high moral values and commitment to his family. Once trust is shattered into a million pieces it just cannot be restored, no matter how much you want it or how much you try. I still on occasion trigger and still think we made a huge mistake by trying to keep it alive. We have both been robbed of a life of pure love and trust and a true partnership. Will it happen again, most likely not, but to be honest I don’t think I would care. It will never hurt that much again. It would have been so much easier if he had died.

    • Ruth

      So much heartache. Love is such a challenge. It’s been a little more time and I still get triggered and think about the betrayal and when i do, I want to pull completely into myself and hide from him. I have to say he has done a lot to show me he loves me and to try to build back trust. It has come a long way but still not back to 100%, Frankly, it may never be. I think that what we have has been worth the struggle but after 2 years of stalking, I still look over my shoulder.

    • Phoebe

      Ruth, I have read your post a few times and it so reminds me of myself at 3yrs, especially the pulling away. After 7 yrs I still do that. In fact I’m doing it right now and it’s so hard to control and snap out of. Be mindful of getting yourself into a pattern, For him it will become old news and believe me, they become immune to it and you will suffer alone. In my opinion 3yrs is still early into the recovery process, it’s an entire new life now, don’t try to get back what you thought you had, you have to build something new and that is much easier said than done. I wish you well, I hope you will dig deep to find the strength to make it through this hell if that’s what you really want. Just know that there is no time limit, it will never ever go away, so we have to learn to accept , forgive and move on (whatever that means for you).

    • Ruth

      Thank you Phoebe,
      Life is too short to keep pulling up the past. I am working to forgive, forget and move on. I am encouraged that these are still the early days of recovery-hopefully, there are many more ahead. The stalking stopped 11 months ago. That made a tremendous difference. Thank you for your encouragement and support. Ruth.

    • Dierdre

      Just discovered this group.
      We are almost 3 years in and I have read and reread all your posts.
      To stay or not to stay…
      Hubby messed around for 3 years sexting with women on Instagram. Started a physical affair on our 22 wedding anniversary. She informed me 10 months later when he broke up with her.

      He is so remorseful. So patient with my hysterics, my crying.
      It is easier over time. But now that I’m not hysterical anymore now I’m sorting things out in my mind.

      I don’t want the constant reminder of the affair. I am also tired. So tired of being positive. Of trying to control my thoughts.
      He cares but it’s as if he has totally buried the affair while I am the one that can’t move on.

      Is it really possible to heal? I don’t want to struggle for the next 10 years and find that I am still struggling. Life is short. I’m sure the sadness, the cortisol from the stress can’t be healthy.

      Hate being a grownup and having to make decisions 😬🥺

    • Ruth

      Diedre-This is Ruth. The past six months have seen remarkable healing and moving away from the pain. They do bury the affair because it doesn’t mean the same thing to them that it means to us. It wasn’t true intimacy like one has with a spouse. I am now having times when I celebrate our relationship and surviving the hurt. I am able to say that I need him or want him without thinking that I am rejected before I ask. This is amazing. The woman is no long sitting in my brain. She has been long gone from his mind. I am starting to trust his love again. I pray that you will have some of the same healing.

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