One of the hardest things we’ve had to deal with lately about my emotional affair is that Linda is continuing to have a problem with trusting me and continually questions whether I really do love her. It’s not a question of trust in the normal sense of Linda thinking I’m out on the prowl for women or anything like that. I don’t honestly think she still believes I’m having an emotional affair with Tanya either. Rather, it’s more that she has a hard time understanding how I could all of a sudden stop a relationship with someone else, and start loving her fully again. She knows how I was deceiving her previously and thinks that I may just be pretending to be back in love with her because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do.
The day after Christmas Linda was somewhat distant, and I could tell that she was upset and depressed, and at one point she even lay down in bed and was crying. When I questioned her about what was the matter, she said she wasn’t sure I’m really back since I “pretended” to be back last Christmas. She is trying to understand what I was thinking of a year ago and why I chose to have feelings for another person.
I can tell you that these depressed moods that she gets into while concentrating on things that happened over a year ago, are becoming quite frustrating, though I do understand and can appreciate her feelings. I can’t think of anything else that I can do to make her believe that I’m back in love with her and I’m where I want to be, and that I don’t have any feelings for Tanya anymore. I tell her that I love her, I don’t think of Tanya anymore, and that I want to be with her– often. She remains skeptical.
It’s all an issue of trust. But it’s a little more complicated than just making her believe that the marital affair is over, as I’m sure she knows that it is. It’s trying to make her believe (trust) that I made the decision to end the affair and stay with her because I wanted to and not that I felt I “had” to because of family, or whatever other reason. That being said, how can I reestablish the trust factor with Linda? It’s something that is going to take time, which is understandable.
To help with this situation I referred to Dr. Frank Gunzberg’s book “How to Survive an Affair” and one of the tips really struck a chord with me. As it pertains to my situation, one of the things that I must do is to try to make her completely understand that I eventually came to realize exactly what I put at risk by my deceptive and deplorable behavior. It’s was very clear to me that all I’ve worked for, loved, and held dear was in serious jeopardy. And, when I looked at her or held her while she was sobbing, and realized how much I hurt and devastated her, it suddenly hit me very hard and made me realize I was a fool, and that I had been incredibly stupid and destructive. I came to realize that I risked this almost 30-year long relationship for someone who was really a stranger to me.
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