One of the stages of forgiveness was to be angry, so I thought I would make an after the affair “I am angry list.”
By Linda
Last night I began reading a book about forgiveness. In the book, the author discusses how forgiveness needs to be an integral part of a marriage, and how on a daily basis we need to learn to forgive our spouses for various things. The author discussed the 4 stages of forgiveness.
At times I seem to teeter between the stages. I don’t think I have made it to the last stage yet, but part of one of the stages was to be angry. So I decided I would make an after the affair “I am angry” list.
I know that a year ago my list would have been extensive, so knowing that this isn’t coming as easy to me as I thought it would. I’m going to take that as a good sign! It shows that some of my anger has dissipated and that I am making an effort to forgive.
Here is my “After the Affair: I am Angry” list:
I am angry at you because you never gave me a choice. You didn’t ask me what I wanted to do to save our marriage. Instead you took it in your own hands and had an affair.
I am angry because you believed that she was better than me. Had you forgotten for the last twenty five years I have been a faithful, honest, caring, and devoted wife and a wonderful mother to your children.
I am angry because every time you touch me I wonder if you touched her the same way. Every time you tell me you love me or say something sweet I wonder if you used the same words with her.
I am angry because I have lost the security knowing that you will be with me in good times and bad. What if I get sick and are unable to meet your needs? Will you find someone else?
I am angry because I have a hard time enjoying all the good that has happened recently in our marriage since it is overshadowed by all the painful memories.
I am angry because you seemed to magically forget all the good memories we had and only seemed to focus on the bad. You made me doubt why we got married in the first place.
I am angry because I have difficulty trusting you. Before I trusted you completely. I believed you were being honest up until the time I had solid proof (the phone logs). After that I learned that your words sometime meant nothing to me.
I am angry at myself for being so naive, trusting and unconscious.
I am angry at myself because I see everything that you are doing after the affair to try to make up for all the hurt and I appreciate it. But I am still angry.
Please feel free to add your own “I am angry” bullets in the comment section below.
You might also want to listen to this video with Infidelity and Forgiveness expert Janis Abrahms Spring
20 replies to "After the Affair: I am Angry"
Linda that is the very same things I am angry about and I am still angry about it although I was supposed to be over the affair and hurt and everything. I also made a list of the things you said you hated her for and I said to her in my mind I am angry for her about all those things and angry for him for all the things he let her do to me and also did to me and sometimes now are also doing to me. Last night I was at a church meeting and they also had a talk about forgiveness. The man said you must forgive but he think it isn’t necessary to forget, because if you forget you will maybe make the same mistakes twice. He asked us it we also think the same. I didn’t know what to say, because I think I haven’t forgive yet and has not by long reach forget. How can you forget the hurt, the shock the pain and my man saying it is only friendship, there’s nothing between us. He is now trying to make up for everything but can I believe him, when he stopped loving me last year. Please help me I am going out of my mind.
Great suggestion. I’m going to work on my ‘angry list’ today. Perhaps it will help clarify my thoughts and, like Rushan, feel a little less that I am going out of my mind. I just hate it that I now question almost everything she says…
I want to say that I believe I forgave my wife the moment I found out. She means more to me than any problem I could ever have to conquer. Even today I would lay down my life to protect hers.
Yes I have been angry with her. And angry with myself. Angry with the POS people that have haunted her for most of her life. I have thought about letting her go, giving her a divorce, or giving her space to figure this out. Anything that could possibly make her happy. Because she deserves to be happy.
The night I found out I held her close in the bath, held her hair out of her face, and washed her face, as she confessed her “bad choice” to me in a drunken state. She didn’t tell me everything, just enough to let me know my life had been shattered by this. And I was numb the whole next day. As I discovered more in reading her text with him.
It wasn’t until she started to attack me for my faults in our second session with a therapist, that I became a angry. Yes I have faults, but why didn’t she come to me with it. She didn’t trust me enough to have the feeling that I would risk my life for her if she asked. And at the time I have to admit I didn’t feel the same with her.
As a good husband I am here to protect her when she feels weakest. And let her go when she feels strongest. Give her a hand when she needs it. And give her space when she wants it.
Yes it frustrates me that she hasn’t come to feel this strongly for me. I know she protects her feelings with block walls and iron gates. And I don’t need to know her darkest fears. But I would love to help her through them. As a good husband it hurts me to feel that she doesn’t trust me enough yet to tell me her side of this.
I think it would help her. She thinks I will hate her. For her to say this despairs me. I may hate what I hear. I may hate him more for it. I may be angry at her or myself. That won’t change my feeling that I need to fix what we have done wrong.
I forgave her the moment I found out.
Thanks so much for sharing this!!! I am going to work on my ANGRY LIST.
Is it just me feeling this or are there others out there, but I feel hurt but at the same time I don’t feel hurt. I am kind of in a numb stage right now. Maybe because it wasn’t a full blown affair, it was more of a conversation that escalated but I still feel cheated. I feel that the things he said to her were only reserved for me. I feel that he disrespected me the moment he began conversating with her. I feel she should have had more respect for herself and for me as a female and not engage in this conversation. If she didn’t know he was married, I would have not been mad at her but she did know and that it what makes me most angry. She knew he made a promise years ago to another woman. She knew that there was a line that SHOULDN’T be crossed because you just don’t do that. She knew the moment she engaged in that conversation that she was hurting a FAMILY not just one other person.
He should have know better than to even share words meant only for me. Did he forget that he has a family? Did he mean those kisses he gave me while engaging in this conversation with her for several days? Why did he feel he had to go somewhere else to get something he already gets at home? I have so many questions, which I did ask him. I just pray that God helps me get through this and that my marriage is restored. I want to trust him again. I want to love him unconditionally. I want to be there in the good and in the bad without questioning our relationship.
We took the first steps and that was speak only the truth and let God be our guide. This is in God’s hands because I know that once I wake up from the numbness, the ache will be hard to stand.
So well put!! We have all been there. I think sometimes we “numb” out because it’s overwhelming. I still after two years have problems with “feeling” angry…..I feel hurt. I think sometimes I don’t even want to recognize at how angry I may be…I think if I go there I may create hate within that anger and never be able to love him through the anger that errupts. Maybe I’m just afraid if I really look at all that anger there is more to it than I want to see.. I’m still working through it, but I believe that God can restore!! I don’t believe that God brought infidelity into my marriage, but he has the ability to guide me in gaining strength in Him, and to have my first reliance be upon Him. This blog is tremendously helpful….just knowing others are out there like us, and we aren’t going “CRAZY”, not matter how many times our spouses imply it.
The second bullet point is wrong isn’t it?
It should say you were angry (as was I) because “you thought she was (strike the word “no”) better than me.”
Thanks Rebecca. I believe you are correct so I fixed it. Only took four and a half years for it to happen! 😉
I am angry that my H did not protect me from the trauma of her phone call teing me he was a cheater. I am angry for : that he blamed her and then me, for putting our chdten at risk, for being so stupid to move into a room in a home owned by a single fall and bieving he could haney the situation of having weey wine and watch the voice for 6 months and come home to me on weekends, for ing the landlord an old decrepit woman cause she had a broken shoulder that healed up rather fast in time for a all day sailing trip, that je did not try hard to tell me his problems, that he took drinking with a single woman in her home one wAs ok, that he thought of talking about her to me, that he responded to a of her texts and phone cls even when home with me, that he sent photos of his business trips to her and sailing videos with music attached, that he texted to her on our family vacation, that he did not want to go to dinner by himself the lSt weeks took her to an expensive dinner and then gave her photographic art of our backyard framed A’s a Christmas giftbrfore he left on DEC 10, for lying and saying donna wS a gift csrd to a place that did not exist in our state instead of going alone or giving the gift card away, I ammad at his boss for bring so stupid to give him a gift card close to him changing jobs , to a restaurant that does not exist in our state. HOW STUPID IS THAT!!
I am angry…it was with my best friend. Don’t know how to stop being angry with her. Over 4 years, they let this go on. Would makeout, while @ our home during bbqs, get together and of course make sex dates @ her place. And the sextn. How does a friend do this to another friend? Why did she have to make it so easy for him. And him….grrrrrr
I am angry to have been humiliated to his AP, that he complained about the situations and complications in our marriage that he created or at least contributed in creating. I am angry that he built his “case” of dissatisfaction with our best friends, thus destroying a 25 year friendship for me. I am angry that he hasn’t fully come clean with them about the affair in order to set the story straight.
I was not angry for 4 years after D Day because I hoped time would squash the affair fog. It didn’t. I am angry now that it continues and my spouse won’t commit to saving the marriage when asked but says no divorce or splitting of assets is desired. Wants to still see the AP who hangs on for every opportunity to be there with my spouse when I travel alone. I stay because I am almost 70 years old and know that I do not want to be alone. I know too many elderly who live by themselves and say they are incredibly lonely. So I won’t leave unless I find someone else to share time with. I would rather have 50 % than 0 % of my spouse’s company. I am angry that my spouse is only 50% committed yet stays full of guilt that I have to be exposed to. I would have never thought I could put up with this but fear of loneliness is outweighing the tug to leave this person for good, so I am angry at my spouse and myself. I manage it by going away for one to two months at a time to be with family and friends, w g e re e I am genuinely wanted and loved, then come home to the same ole, same ole, until the next trip comes up again. This is my choice and I’m angry at the same time.
Kranny
I can relate as I am also in my late sixties. My d-day happened almost 7 years ago just 2 weeks before out fortieth wedding anniversary. I was beyond devastated. Is it possible that you just pushed your anger down for those four years??? Were you able to talk with anybody about the situation?? Have you allowed yourself to grieve?
I have a very close friend who is about to walk away from a marriage of almost fifty years…..I can appreciate how difficult it is to untangle fifty years together with someone.
In this situation your husband gets to have his cake and eat it too. I told my husband that he broke my heart with his betrayal but should he choose to walk away I would survive. At this stage in my life I only want him to stay if it’s ME HE REALLY WANTS TO BE WITH!! NO OTHER REASON WILL DO!! I love my husband and really enjoy his company. The thought of going it alone is frightening indeed…..but I’m simply not willing to play second fiddle.
Your words that this is your choice and you’re angry at the same time are heartbreaking. I encourage you to get some help sorting out your feelings. Often under the anger is pain!! You deserve better!! Take care.
Shifting Impressions,
Thank you for taking the time to express your thoughts. I am sorry you are going through this as well. I agree with not settling for anything less. I hope it ultimately works out for you. Take care.
Thanks Kranny
We are doing quite well…..there is still the occasional trigger after all this time., but mostly life is good.