One of our readers left a comment recently where he mentioned that during his affair recovery he has made an effort to reconnect with “real” male friends that are also friends of his marriage. Please note he was referring to friends of the same sex.
I thought that this was a really good idea. One that I wish I would have followed through on early on in Doug’s emotional affair.
The comment brought me back to when I first became suspicious of Doug’s relationship with Tanya. At the time he told me they were just friends and that she was “helping” him with our marriage. Obviously I was very naïve and trusting. So much in fact that I contemplated calling and thanking her for helping us. I imagine they would have had a nice laugh about that!
As time passed it came to light that she was actually destroying our marriage and Doug’s commitment to me while our relationship was slipping away. In many ways he had forgotten all my good qualities and any happy times we had spent together.
Everything I was trying to tell or convince him was falling on deaf ears. He had devalued me as a wife and perceived me as trying to control him. Instead of trying to bring him closer to me, I was pushing him farther away.
It was so difficult for me knowing that she was the only person he was sharing his problems with and that her “advice” was in complete contrast to what I was telling him. He trusted her and believed that she had his best interest at heart. However, she knew only one side of the story–and one side of Doug–to offer such important advice.
He was still denying his relationship with her, so basically I was still in the dark as to what was going on in his head. I begged Doug to call a couple of old friends that had good marriages and respected me as a person. I needed someone to push him out of this affair fog. It almost appeared as he was brainwashed and had totally forgotten everything that I had meant to him.
I Thought About Getting a Friend Involved in Our Affair Recovery
I wanted him to talk to someone who could help him with his confusion and let him see the implications of his actions. His thoughts had become so selfish and one sided. I wanted someone who knew us, our marriage and our children to jerk him back to reality–the good reality. The reality he had been working for all his life. I didn’t want someone to tell him that he was crazy. I just wanted someone to help him realistically look at his marriage and at his affair and try to make a decision based on his true feelings—not based on an illusion.
I wish now that I would have called them, told them what was happening and maybe they could have helped him pull away from the affair. I truly believe this to be a great approach that you might want to try if you’re spouse or partner is having an affair. Approach a trusted friend who has your best interests in mind and let them knock some sense into your cheating spouse. I bet it will help with your affair recovery.
6 replies to "Affair Recovery: Friends Can Help"
What an interesting thought. Looking back on my husband’s affair, I’ve often wondered if there was something that could have opened his eyes to what he was doing and the resulting consequences. Unfortunately, in our situation, telling trusted family and friends resulted initially resulted in extreme anger towards me for “causing” his embarrassment. Ultimately though it helped for precisely the reasons you stated….they knocked some sense into him. Actually, I think it introduced a speck of reality into his fantasy life and the speck was enough for him to see it for what it was.
Hi Christina. Thanks for commenting. Looking back on things, I think that if one of my good friends would have talked to (confronted) me it may have knocked some sense into me as well.
My H told one of his good friends, that he was involved in this EA, and his friend told him to stop it, but never confronted me about it or told me what was going on. I wish his friend would have told me, because I could have stopped it. But it didn’t knock any sense into my H, he continued with it anyway. And I no longer talk to his friend because he kept it a secret from me.
I recognize that this comment is very very late, but having seen my spouse and myself both lose our best friends over these events in our lives, I’d say a hearty no to this idea. Friends typically don’t have the skill set to handle the complex and changing loyalties. Sometimes it disrupts their world, especially if you’ve been the “support couple” to friends in the past. Even though we have reconciled (and are still in that process), each of our best friends felt they had to choose sides in ways that didn’t allow for us to reconcile, and that ultimately destroyed the friendships. Tread carefully.
K, I agree 100%. The key to involving friends is that they must have YOUR best interests in mind. Even then, their advice may not be that great.
My wife told her best friend who has two failed marriages and a string of failed relationships and jumps from one man to another. We had been together happily for over 20 years, but she became fixated with this friend when she moved in 5 years ago. She seemed drawn to her car crash life, her selfish, loud, brash, crude and outlandish behaviour. She said she was exciting. Unfortunately no other person liked this women at all!! They would spend 5 nights a week together, either out or at her house or ours. I told her I wasn’t happy, but she ignored me. My wife visibly changed under this women’s selfish influence. The drinking became heavier, nights later. She stopped doing housework, spending time with the kids, and she didn’t even work. She then went to Spain and met another man and started an emotional affair. (they did kiss in Spain). I found out one month later and we had a big row. She gave all the usual excuses and started to reinvent our marriage and started to blame me for everything. She then spoke to this friend, who started to intervene and tell her she was right and completely charcuterie assassinated me. She even told my wife that she was concerned that I might turn violent and really hurt her, so my wife started sleeping downstairs with her coat on and keys and phone next to her. I found this deeply distressing. How could anyone say such a thing to my wife about me. Why would she do this and feed my wife’s guilty justification. We had children and she was helping to tear us apart. My wife became more and more distrusting of me over a incredibly short period, and I have recently discovered this friend just fed my wife incredibly stories of what I might do. Somehow I managed to go from an incredibly loyal, loving and caring husband and father, to a monster in my wife’s eyes and all in approximately 6 weeks. She then wanted to separate, which we now have and she is continuing this relationship with the other guy who is divorced and hasn’t been able to hold down a relationship in seven years. My wife’s friend then started sending me text telling me to stop calling the kids and bothering them while she was with them. Again this was untrue. Why was she doing this? My kids call me on the three days they are with there mum and that’s because we are so close and I did nearly everything with them. Our neighbours and friends are astonished at my wife’s behaviour and do not believe what she has said about me. She also tells different versions of events to different people, so they do know she is lying. I have everyone sympathy, but also two heartbroken children and a failed marriage. I cannot help but think this awful best friend has influenced my wife in a terrible way which has devastated our family. I do not want my wife back, as I can never trust her again and I also have the disgusting women called her best friend out of my life. It just seems astonishing to me how my wife can be so easily consumed by such a person and lose touch with whAt is really important in life.