A Major Source For Affair Triggers: Television

 

One of the hardest things to deal with while recovering from infidelity are the affair triggers that the betrayed encounter on a regular basis.  They can be anything from passing a certain hotel or restaurant, hearing a particular song on the radio, hearing your spouse say certain words, etc.  I’ve come to the conclusion that it seems the worst culprit for affair triggers is television.

After our exhausting weekend, it felt very nice just to spend Monday evening vegetating in front of the TV in my comfortable chair, while Linda was sprawled out on the couch.  At first we were switching back and forth between a baseball game and “No Reservations,” but soon the girls finished their beautifying process for the night and decided to come down to join Linda and I.

Being teenagers they tend to like to watch the sit-coms.  So we settled in to watch the popular Monday night lineup of shows on CBS.  Though they were somewhat entertaining, each and every one of the three shows we watched had some mention of infidelity or affairs in them.

To top that off, the following day Good Morning America’s top story was about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s newly disclosed “love child” from an affair he had, followed two segments later by the story about the guy from France, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is accused of sexually assaulting a maid at a hotel.  And by the way, he’s married and has a previous history of this sort of thing.  These two stories continue to be featured throughout the week.

I think that Linda is somewhat immune to many affair triggers anymore, though she may blurt out something like, “Men are stupid.” But they do make me cringe every time the subject, or even the word “affair” comes up, because I think that there has to be some sort of affair related thoughts running through her head.

We do enjoy watching movies at home on pay-per-view occasionally, but we have become much more selective of the types of movies that we watch.  No longer do we watch any movies where we feel the subject revolves around infidelity, nor do we even watch “chick flicks” where the theme centers around falling in love and such.  That selectiveness cuts out a good percentage of the movies that are out there.

It’s certainly a shame that my emotional affair has seeped into virtually every aspect of our life, but it’s a cruel reality and is something that needs to be managed so that Linda won’t be exposed to the affair triggers as much.  One answer might be just to turn off the TV.

 


 

 

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42 Responses to A Major Source For Affair Triggers: Television

  1. Kathy May 19, 2011 at 10:47 am #

    Television is definitely full of triggers. The other huge triggers for me are my H’s cellphone and email, as these were the primary ways he communicated with her outside of work.

    • Kristine July 3, 2011 at 2:29 am #

      I couldn’t even touch my husband’ s cell phone when we reconciled for a long time. It was a huge source of communication for them. Even now a yr later it’s still weird to look at it.

  2. B May 19, 2011 at 11:02 am #

    I’ll agree that my wife’s cell-phone and anytime it vibrates or dings is a trigger, but TV just might be the worst of all. Take my wife and I’s week for example:

    Sunday night we rented and watched “The Dilemma” starring a Vince Vaugh, a movie about a guy who catches his best friend’s wife cheating. The images of the characters Geneva and Zip getting it on at his place and then her taking a cab home certainly make you wonder if that is what all affairs look like.

    Monday night it was “Hawaii Five-O” where Danno and his ex-wife are sleeping together even though they are divorced and she is remarried, they are trying to contemplate how to tell him that they want to be back together and oh by the way she is pregnant. This one I don’t mind as much because they are ex-husband & wife reconciling, but it is technically still cheating on her part.

    Tuesday night it was “The Good Wife”, a show that is based on a cheating husband and probably mentions infidelity in every episode.

    Last night my son had a baseball game, so the only thing I watched was him rap out 2 hits, and make one hell of a diving catch, and win the game 3-2. Oh we also watched Law and Order but it was just the usual violence, no infidelity.

    So yes, infidelity is EVERYWHERE, but perhaps TV is where it reigns supreme.

  3. Rachel May 19, 2011 at 11:03 am #

    (First post, long time lurker.)

    This is all to true. My husband and I have a very hard time finding a movie or tv show we can watch that doesn’t involve some kind of infidelity or a couple sickeningly in love a.k.a chick flicks. They are a huge trigger for me so we end up watching a lot of action, thriller and espionage flicks which is fine for him, he loves them. I don’t hate them but they aren’t my favorite but I can’t handle watching much else for fear of triggering. Occasionally he’ll let me watch a fantasy/sci-fi or horror flick even though he can’t stomach them.

    Luckily we have a four year old so when he’s up we’re watching cartoons and How its Made (he loves those types of shows.) I have noticed that the amount of time the tv is on has decreased significantly and has been filled with other activities.

    • Bonnie May 21, 2011 at 1:56 pm #

      First post for me too. It’s true the stuff on TV is full of infidelity triggers these days, but LOL my husband bought OLD Columbo DVDs last week and plugged one in the other night-guess what it was about, a celebrity type who was cheating on his wife and committed murder to cover it up! I listened and watched for about 15 minutes, then I told my husband it is very hard for me to see and hear this stuff. He offered to turn it off but I opted to go into the other room. Looking back I think I made a mistake by leaving the room, I should have agreed to turn the DVD off. My husband said several times what a great episode this was, like he really wanted to enjoy it and I felt he was insensitive. It has been 4 months since Dday and although my husband admits he should not have done what he did with a co-worker he will not label his emotional affair as an affair, he doesn’t think he cheated because they didn’t have sex. I think because he is in this denial he is very limited in his ability to understand my emotions. He was angry with me for leaving the room the other night.

  4. Liz Lemler May 19, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    Oh my goodness tv and movies are a trigger for sure. I remember just a couple days after DDay, we decided to see a movie together to take a break from all the emotional drama. We went to see Dinner For Schmucks — what was supposed to be a ridiculous comedy, but ended up being miserable to sit through. Paul Rudd’s character and girlfriend end up involved in misunderstanding involving assumed infidelity (all the while, I’m sitting there wishing my situation was just a misunderstanding) AND Steve Carrell’s character’s wife cheated on him with his friend tortures him about it. I just couldn’t see the comedy side of that movie AT ALL. It ended up being one of the most awkward movie watching experiences of my life.

    Sometimes I find myself actually looking for tv shows and movies that depict infidelity. I feel like I’m just trying to find some kind of answer. Maybe I’ll get to see something so similar to what happened in my life played out on screen, and it will finally start to make sense. Maybe I’ll get a better sense of what the OW was after or what she was really like. Maybe I’ll get to see how they actually interacted together. It’s totally ridiculous, I know. My search for information is a control thing, of which I just won’t let go.

  5. Morrigan May 19, 2011 at 11:44 am #

    Luckily I am not a love story/ romance movie person. I’ m a horror, sci-fi, fantasy action girl, and he like those too. TV is never on a reality show (except shows like Holmes on Homes or Wipeout!)

    But the news & radio….ug, it’s everywhere! I would say my biggest trigger is the radio, either a song that played last summer when it occurred or just the telling of the news, Tiger, Arnold etc., etc. One radio station here even has a Thursday morning segment devoted to calling your spouse because you think they might be cheating, the radio host calls in as a service provider sending flowers to anyone of your choice, don’t send them to your wife or hubby, and ouch, that spouse is already waiting on the phone…. it can be devastating.

    So…does Tv mimic life or does life micmic Tv?

    • Melvin May 19, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

      Hey there Morrigan, I think we live in the same area.

      I am referring to your mention of the Thursday morning radio segment that does the flowers thing called War of the Roses. I would listen to that segment way before I found out about my DW’s EA. Still do sometimes, however, it has more meaning these days.

      The radio station segment specializes in catching a cheater. Sometimes they call the cheater and pretend to be from a health clinic and get the cheater to offer up their PA partner name by claiming that said partner tested positive to a sexual disease and they needed to get to the clinic asap. That’s when sparks really fly. The BS is on the other line listening and chimes in when the CS gets caught.

      As for us, we are watching sports a bit more these days and maybe the CSI-type shows.

      TV is supposed to mimic life. The more TV we watch, the more we make our lives mimic TV. It’s a vicious circle.

  6. Elizabeth May 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm #

    I would be interested to hear from any offending spouses (OS, I guess? I’m new) as to how triggers effect them and how they deal with them? Especially when there were real feelings involved. Are the emotions pretty much the same? Is there anything that the betrayed spouse (BS?) can do to help lessen the effects? Or, is it simply just that it takes time to heal and that hopefully with enough time, the effects of triggers decrease?

    • B May 19, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

      Elizabeth-

      I think you will find that the CS gets just as uncomfortable at times as the BS. I’ve seen my wife make faces or squirm at something when she didn’t know I was looking over at her. The one very large difference is that when a cheating spouse decides they are done cheating and want to move forward, they IMMEDIATELY erase all the pain they have caused and refuse to think about it, because they haven’t really lost anything. They caused a world of pain for a lot of people, but when they look over, their faithful spouse is still sitting there ready to love them. Therefore, their triggers aren’t near as severe as the betrayed spouses because the betrayed spouse is the one who has to forgive, forget, and try to rebuild.

      • Paula May 20, 2011 at 11:02 pm #

        Hear, hear B. “Just get over it” seems to be their modus operandi, and chant, even though mine is genuinely remorseful, he would rather we pretend it never happened (although he says it’s not that, he just wishes it ACTUALLY did never happen – but obviously, not as much as me!) but unfortunately, it did, and it is forever, no matter how successfully we move forward, and two years on, I think he is finally beginning to understand that. The reason they don’t want to keep talking about it is mostly to protect themselves from their own guilt and shame, which is perfectly understandable, but they are never as hurt as the BS, no matter how sympathetic they are, and of course, they cannot undo or reverse the callousness and stupidity of their acts, only try to be a better, and more loving person moving forward

  7. michael May 19, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    Its all around us. Its mainstream. Its on every social network, It is around the corner with friends. Its in most of our extended families. Its on almost all of the tv and movies of this time period. There is not much you can do about it.
    Does it affect us more because we have been through it. Yes.
    Does it suggest that it is more widely accepted now. Maybe.
    But it has taken it out of the shadows and put it in front of everyone. In the past it was something that didn’t get discussed in the open. It was talked about between friends and behind closed doors. Now its in our face all the time.
    Does the media now teach our kids more. We all learn from seeing things happen.
    The happy story of a man finding his long lost childhood love… And they live happily ever after.
    No one wants to see a movie about how hard it is to recover from infidelity. Even if the ending is happily ever after. But day after day many flock to web sites like this one to see it happening in hopes of it coming true for them.
    To avoid the tv is to say your going to stop doing this website. Linda, and I, and almost everyone here is affected everyday by this site. And it will never go away.
    I as a betrayed spouse have avoided movies or shows on tv because I fear what she will be thinking about. But is that the right choice. Who knows.
    I’m not about to leave everything and move to a cabin cut off from the rest of the world. How boring would that be after living a exciting life, connected to others. Helping others. Sharing in the good and the bad.

  8. Robin May 19, 2011 at 2:08 pm #

    I found out about my husband’s physical affair on a Monday and the John Edwards’ mistress’ interview story broke on Friday morning…that was NOT a good day, since I couldn’t watch the news, listen to the radio, open Twitter or Facebook without being bombarded, and there were some unfortunate parallels with my own situation, including wording that the OW had used to describe her feelings for my husband and their relationship. I love Juliana Marguiles and watched The Good Wife until D-day – and then neither of us could bear it. For the 1st six months we both avoided any TV or movie that was infidelity or “true” love themed …which meant that we watched a lot of mystery and action adventure…even mysteries are not always safe because plenty of murders are generated by infidelity…. The only reality TV I’ve ever watched is What not to Wear and Say Yes to the Dress, which I watched with my daughter, and I gave that up after an episode which showed the happy couple at the end exchanging vows and I ended up sobbing for an hour.

    On a happier note, a turning point came when we accidentally started watching It’s Complicated. We laughed, we cried, and then we laughed some more – and then we really talked. The portrayal of Diane Keaton’s character as an independent and interesting woman who was really enjoying her life after her kids were grown really made me feel good – I too can be that woman. My husband really looked at Alec Baldwin’s character and does not want to be that guy – the guy who discounted something valuable for something that seemed more exciting, and then found himself on the outside looking in at the life that should have been his. I’m really trying to embrace triggers and turn them into something positive – even if it is only as a discussion point….and so far it seems to be working. I am horrified for Maria Shriver and her children, but empathy had not touched off those feelings that used to devastate me. I hope I can keep it up :)

  9. Norwegian woman May 19, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

    My triggers are phone messages and e-mails. And the hell one of my colleagues is experiencing right now, is a huge trigger. He came over a phone message his wife had sendt to another man that she works with. After that she wants to leave him, and insists that she doesn`t have anything to do with the other man anymore. He has gone from a fun and beautiful man, to a depressed skinny skeleton in three months…

  10. Shannon May 20, 2011 at 2:12 pm #

    I came across this website last night when it became the third night in a row without a minute of sleep. Our dday is sometime in April 2011. Thank goodness I dont remember the date. I have never felt the kind of pain I am feeling right now. I wonder if it will ever get easier. My H is the only man I have ever loved. We met when I was 17. I don’t understand why the EA(he says) happened(for 2.5 Years) I cannot function due to the devastation I am feeling. We have 3 children and been married for 15 years. Right now everything is a trigger. I have sent my children to stay with family due to the emotions that I cant seem to control which turn him into a raging lunatic. I can’t imagine having to live the rest of my life with this in my head even if one day it’s a vague memory. I am truly heartbroken. I haven’t left my house in days maybe weeks not sure. Someone please tell me it gets easier. This site has helped me understand so much of my feelings and his, though I really don’t care about his right now. God bless the couple who have shared so openly. First counseling session is tonight. Wish me luck. Oh and the OW is now trying to be my BFF. Sorry TP be such a downer! ;-)

    • Paula May 20, 2011 at 11:30 pm #

      Shannon, it does get easier, but VERY, VERY slowly. Your journey is so similar to mine, met at 20, moved in together 5 weeks later! 23 years now, 3 kids, my only love, and lover, and my best friend in all the world, enter one old friend of mine (a previously cheating ex-girlfriend of his!) back into my life after an absence of a decade or so, 15 months of affair, including the last 8 months of him trying to extract himself from a very clingy and malicious blackmailing %$###@% so that I never found out and never got hurt. Two weeks after he finally got the message through to her and ended it for good, she texted me with all the gory details. I know about the lack of sleep, it’s been two years for me, and I got night terrors for quite a while, and still haven’t managed 8 hours since D-Day. On the bright side, I have had a lot of counselling, including 9 months under a psychiatrist and on pretty hefty doses of antidepressants, which didn’t really work for me, I kept telling people I wasn’t depressed, just grieving. It was extreme, I did (stupidly) attempt suicide after about 5 months post D-Day, and of course, that was the trigger to get the drugs out! I lost 18 kg in the first three months, and when on the drugs, put 9 back on in about 11 weeks, and panicked about the weight gain, so weaned myself off them, and feel so much better these past six months without them. I can function so much better than I did, but the triggers are always there, it’s exhausting never having a moments’ mental peace, somehow you have to find a minute of peace where you can. You are in the worst of it now, but things will calm down, you will be able to look after and love your children again, and no matter what you decide in the future about your relationship with your H, you will be okay. The most important thing for me, and I would imagine for you, too, as we were both so young, is the ability to grow and learn so much about yourself, your strengths especially. I had sacrificed so much of “me” to the relationship, always the support person, the unpaid full-time staff in our business, the accountant, the nurse, the maid, the cook, the chauffeur etc. I am enrolling in another degree, and making “me” plans, which I have never done, as I was the ultimate martyr, and just gave and gave and gave, silly girl, forgot that I had to be okay too.

      I wish you lots of love and light, it’s an appalling thing, but it can only get better, right? The heartbreak is insane, but once the anger and pain starts to subside a little, and it does, but only a little, allow yourself to feel, but try to focus on as much positive stuff as you can find, and it may not be anything in your relationship to start with, but personal triumphs, children’s achievements, natural beauty and kindness are all good starts.

  11. Yuki May 20, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

    There are triggers everywhere for me. A six-year affair with a high school girlfriend, by its length and scope, involves just about everything our lives. And yes, TV is one of the worst. I do not watch TV at all anymore. I had just come to the point where I could handle a little news here and there, and then the Schwarzenegger thing happened and again I’m not even turning the thing on at all.

  12. DazedandConfused May 20, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

    My H had an affair with an old high school girlfriend. Luckily it was a long distance relationship, so he only saw her in person a handful of times (don’t know exactly and don’t want to know!). The OW lived in the Minneapolis area, and now any mention anywhere of Minnesota or Minneapolis makes me feel sick to my stomach. We had 3 Ddays, the first being a little over a year ago and the last (Please, God!) being in January. I also feel sick to my stomach at any mention of reunited old flames. It even triggers me that my H’s father, a widower, is now dating a woman he knew (but did not date) in high school. Like everyone else, movies or TV shows about infidelity or finding “true love” are very difficult to watch. A lot of music also makes me sad.

  13. kathy May 21, 2011 at 2:09 am #

    It was last August when I found out about my husbands EA. He says that she was no more than a best friend. Someone that enjoyed the same things he did like hiking and getting out into nature. I am not physically able to hike or kayak or any of the things that he is really in to. My situation is unique I think because my husband is a member of the clergy. This OW was a member of our church. Me being the clergy’s wife made it impossible for me to confide in anyone. For my daughter’s sake I tried to act like everything was fine when we were at church.I made hi m tell her what he had done. She had just gotten married herself and was devastated.I tried twice to go to a marriage counselor. My husband refused to go for a while then he went 3 times, but when I found out he was still having communication with the OW and told the counselor, my husband refused to go anymore. I feel that he couldn’t face the counselor because he had made a promise to me and the Christian marriage counselor that he was going to do everything he could to make me feel secure in m marriage. So he lied and got caught. If he went back he was going to have to admit that he was lying. He has never admitted that he went outside our marriage for something that he needed. He still says he never crossed a line. I continue to wonder what part of all his did he think was right. As a man and as a Minister. I said the same vows he did. I light that unity candle just like he did and I know what God means when he says the two shall become one.I know it means that we will not go outside our marriage if there is anything that we need. Whether it be physical or emotional.I kept asking myself why it is so important for him to admit those things to me. Then the other night I realized why. If he doesn’t think he did anything wrong then what will keep him from doing it again with her or someone else.My heart feels that it is going to burst open because I need so much to talk about the EA but in the past when I brought it up all he would say is “I don’t know what to tell you not that I haven’t already said. I’m not going to keep going over it ”
    For the past several weeks I see him slipping right back were he was during the time when I found out about the EA . I too feel every time I see him on the cell phone, or when he goes on a walk ( which is when they used to do a lot of their talking), or any time he leaves the house and it is not getting called in to work, I start wondering is he going to meet her. Is he going to drive by her house just to get a glimpse of her. Is he meeting her at McDonald’s in the morning before work when he tells me he goes by to get some oatmeal for breakfast. In2010 a week before I found out about the EA it was his birthday. I was at home all day. I found out that he invited her to eat lunch with him to “SHARE HIS SPECIAL DAY”. He never called and asked me. I don’t know where the EA would have ended up if I had not of found out about it so soon after it started. He stepped down from the church. SOme times I feel that he tries to make me feel that it is my fault that he stepped down. He made the decision to step down on his own. He never even asked me. He just told me the morning after black Friday that he was putting his resignation in that Sunday. His family hates me. Somehow all this is my fault to them. I guess because he played the poor husband that wasn’t getting his needs met to them.
    My nights are so bad. I know that without him I would be broken because my heart tells me I still love him so much. My head tells me that we are just two people that have a lot of history together living under the same roof.

  14. Michelle May 22, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    I have never written before, but am so concerned I am getting involved in an EA with a married man. We have worked together for a year and the nature of our job is such that we are always on the road. In the fall we started spending more and more time together, including dinner and drinks alone, which is unusual in our job, usually the whole team does things together. Our conversations tend to be very intense and personal, although we have never discussed his wife or children. We also never did anything that would technically be considered inappropriate–no flirting, no discussion of sex–but there is a deep connection and attraction to each other. At some point in December (as I was starting to fall for him) he had some sort of personal revelation and connected back with his wife. He is pretty open about the fact that his marriage was about to fail and now is saved, but we have never discussed details. I made a conscious effort to work on a project without him starting in March, and I felt we were transitioning to more platonic friendship, we would email occasionally, but weren’t seeing each other often.

    Recently, however, I had a crisis at work where one of my superiors tried to damage my career. As one of my main supporters, my friend came roaring back into my life. He has provided tremendous emotional support to me over the past two weeks to get me through this period. But I think we are in danger again. All the time on the phone (hours and hours over the past few weeks), one meeting in which he held me while I cried for a good hour(the first time we had been physical in any way), the tone of our conversations, in which he has started to say that he is telling me things “with great love for me”. I know I have very serious, deep feelings for him and suspect he has feelings for me. We have been so careful, but we will have to continue to work together. I don’t know what to do

    I am single, by the way. I am not out to ruin anyone’s life, I am not desperate and have never been in a similar situation. I have quite simply fallen in love and don’t know what to do

    • changedforever May 23, 2011 at 6:53 am #

      Then quit before you ruin his life…and his family’s – sorry, but its that simple. Take it from someone who is the wife of the type of man you are now cavorting with – YOU WILL DAMAGE THE MAN AND HIS FAMILY FOREVER. Are you ready to live with that responsibility forever, for your own selfish gratification? He’s taken – end of story. Move on. Get out of this now.

  15. Michelle May 23, 2011 at 9:19 am #

    changedforever, I understand your anger, but it’s not helpful to say I’m cavorting or being selfish or damaging him. And to assume I’m getting any gratification is just wrong, I’m miserable. I must interact with this man for work, there is no way to change that, and the fact of the matter is that our interactions will always be away from home for both of us. And to top it off, despite the fact we are the same age, he is my superior. I think there is a much greater chance I will be the one damaged here.

    • Morrigan May 23, 2011 at 10:28 am #

      Hi Michelle, I believe it is safe to say that you, this man, and his family will all ultimately be hurt if this continues. Kudos to you for going out and doing some research and reaching out. All too often people get into these messes by accident, it’s rarely intentional. I believe this is one reason many of us whom are betrayed are willing to forgive or try and forgive. Human emotions are complex, and hard to control. That said, please continue your research. I think you will find you are correct, you will be hurt. As many men do not leave their wives and families in the end, and all involved have to wade though the chaos that was caused.

      My guy fell for a female friend that suddenly had a crisis, she called upon him, and he became the hero. He told me it hit very fast, wasn’t intentional, surprised him. The fact you are here says you are nothing like this friend of his. Be cautious, as when people get involved in these types of situations their emotions can bring about unexpected traits in their personality. With his friend, she actually became belligerent and violent. His, EA was short lived because of this and I am thankful, but he did get concerned she might strike out at me, because he didn’t choose her. We walk a very fine line within our friendships. Most people are naive to the closeness and what it creates with the friends of the opposite sex. Boundaries, sometimes very strict ones really must be created and adhered. I know it’s not easy. Good luck.

  16. 4/everchanged May 23, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

    There are diffently lots of triggers. My H leaves for work every Monday and is is gone all week long. To say the least Mondays are very difficult. I wonder if he is being faithful while he is gone .And how will i know if he is not being faithful.
    Our daughter got married this weekend. She had dedicated a song to us.of course she didnt know that the song was “our song” while we were courting. It was very difficult to keep it together while the song played.( forever & ever by Randy Travis)The chourus I will be faithful made me want to throw up.
    Some events that should be some of the happiest moments of my life have turned out to be big triggers.
    Even intimate moments with my husband leave me crying the next day. Maybe I am just overreacting.But a year out from dday the pain is still there. I dont feel safe sharing my true feelings with my spouse anymore. Even the lack of truly being able to share myself with my husband is a trigger.

  17. Paula May 24, 2011 at 2:19 am #

    Life is a trigger, especially if you are someone who has discovered that their love has been cheating for quite a long time, as every anniversary, every place you visit, drive by, hear of, work, mesages, just everything you touch is now tainted, and you have to reclaim all of those places, times, etc for yourself in some positive form. My other half was involved with someone I counted as a close, long-term family friend. So much so that she used to come, with her (illegimate, tricked-a-man-into-fathering-him) son to our holiday home on family holidays with us, wow, that hurt when I found out the truth! She would come when I was there with my kids, no husband, and drink wine and giggle with me, I still don’t understand that, it was a 4 hour drive for her to do this. My guy says he never had her in our bed, but he forgets he usde our holiday home as a rendez-vous venue, so there was quite a time when I just wanted to burn my beautiful bed there! But I reclaimed it, and it’s okay now.

    The recent revelations re – Arnie/Maria have been hard for everyone, I know. The most poignant part for me was how Maria used to joke with family that the maid’s son looked like Arnold. I used to joke with friends and my husband about his “girlfriend” – but I thought it was a joke, not the truth!!! One time we were at the lake house, and my H arrived and went fishing in the stream within clear view of the house while the OW and her little boy (4 and a half at the time) and I sat on the deck and watched him walk off in his waders, she and I sharing a lovely bottle of pinot noir, when her son yelled out, DADDY!! to him, which he never heard. I laughed loudly, he has never known his Dad, or anyone who might be a father figure to him. She looked at me very nervously, and said, “he’s not his Dad, you know” – they had a relationship 25 years ago – well before me – and I thought it very odd, but laughed it off, saying, “well, that’s a relief!” Thank goodness, he isn’t, he was born years before they started their affair, but it drove it home to me how stupid he had been, with no contraception used. I have only ever slept with him (other than a rape while I was at university, which resulted in my sitting in a clinic, having the full raft of STI tests, a morning after pill dispensed, to my great sadness, and sadly, shame, even though I did nothing wrong) and my father is gay, and he came out in the mid 80s, after almost 20 years of very happy marriage to my mother, which heightened my ABSOLUTE rule of NEVER have unprotected sex, as I thought every time my mother rang me while I was at university that she was going to tell me she was HIV positive, thankfully, that never happened. I had discussed this many, many times with my other half, and whilst I said it would be appalling if he slept with someone else, he MYST, MUST, MUST use a condom if this ever should happen. Guess what, he never did! He even admits now that he was very stupid, as he was relying on her counting the days of her cycle to avoid pregnancy, wtf! Upshot is, I ended up with chlamydia, yay!

    We are well on our road to recovery, it has taken so much longer than even I thought, and I now understand this is ongoing, it will never be over, just makes our love story a bit unconventional, but it is still a great love story, just need to edit out a year or so!! Not too bad out of 23, there will not be another incident like this, because that will definitely be the end of this story!

  18. Norwegian woman May 27, 2011 at 11:49 am #

    Huge trigger!
    I am sitting here, and all of a sudden, I get this creepy feeling. I do not know if it is my imagination running wild or something else…
    My husband is at a social event at work tonight. Of course, I do not like it. After all, I don`t trust him if I don`t see him. But I keep it to myself. They have had a personell-meeting all day and after working hours, they are going to barbeque and have some drinks. My husband is in charge of the meeting, and other people from the management staff is helping him arrange it.

    Two days ago, I looked at his job mail. There I found a schedulealert from his co-worker, that they were going to shop for the barbeque party between 12.00 and 13.00. This is a co-worker he is working close to. Let us call her A. Nothing wrong with that, if it hadn`t been for that he the same day told me that co-worker B was going to shop for the barbeque…. Well, I didn`t mention it. Yesterday he told me that he had been shopping with A as I saw in the schedule. Suddenly it hit me that he probably can see if I have been into his mail, cause when he was telling me that co-worker B was the one that would be doing the shopping, he already knew that he was going to shop with co-worker A……..

    And suddenly I remembered the last time he was in Oslo on a seminar. When I was picking him up at the airport, he and co-worker A came on the same flight. He told me they had met on the air-port, because she had been on a board-meeting on Malta. It was cheaper to go to Malta to arrange a board meeting than to for example Oslo. That may be true. I live in the most expensive country on planet earth.

    And of course, my imagination………

    Triggers like these, combined with the knowledge that he is capable of lying through his teeth to me is no good combination.

    Any thoughts?

  19. tiredandallcriedoutoveryou March 24, 2014 at 9:46 pm #

    Kristine…….I know exactly how I feel in a way. I know I will never know exactly how you feel as an indivigual. I however do understand in a more relative way. Except I cringe everytime his phone rings, or when he gets texts, even when he’s on his way to work….I wonder is that the time he callng, texting or emailing her, or is there a new person of interest. He met her at his old job, he quit the job but how can “I” be sure it wont be another co-worker this time and the next. I dont think I will ever trust him again and I’m not sure if I should or even want to anymore. I’m starting not to care anymore, I mean why should I…..at least when u stop caring it doesn’t hurt as much…..and I’d rather not hurt than to care about what the person that’s hurting me is doing……… Shit if he don’t care enough about hurting me than why should I care about him and what he’s doing. I sometimes wanna get back at soooo bad but then I would be no better than him……He swears up and down he’s not doing anything and sometimes I believe him……but that reminder of ” if they did it once they have the potential to do it again. So it’s been like a two years since I found out, and 10 months since all contact was broken……..hopefully! But myself as a person seems to have lots of open wounds that he poured a 1000 pound bag of salt on when he pulled this last stunt. Before this I was more confident in myself, now I have no self esteem anymore. I know now I will never be the same……the damage that was done cannot be fixed……I told him six months ago that I wish he had of just up and walked out on me…..mainly because I love him too much to leave. I’d rather him walking out because at least one of had the respect to make a change. I did tell him that if he ever even starts to feel that this may happen agan, to please not come back. I’d rather he walk out on me, than come home to me…eat with me, sleep with me, have sex with me, me wash his clothes, clean our home for him so that when he gets home he can relax…..etc. All the while I’m doing this and he’s thinking about her. If he wants to be there that bad than go…..please leave and dont come back ever! I know I don’t have the strength yet to go if it happens again and probably never will. Some people are weak in certain things and this is my weakness. I’d rather get over it alone and with a clear mind, than with him being here……..for some reason he is my weakness and I hate it……because I’m not sure if that’s healthy for anyone. I am now trying to build myself back up. I LOST 40 POUNDS since October of 2013 and I am glad about that….at least. My grandparents have been married for 56 years. I’m not used to a broken home…….I want what my grandparents have…….longevity of a marrige.Thats what I was raised around….thats what I long for. He’s not used to that….which doesn’t matter to me…..but he could at least be ready to learn something that somoe who has gone thru alot and has wisdom to offer to him. Its time to grow up or leave…..I’m too tired of this and I am disgusted and truly thru with it all. Shoot if this don’t work Im moving to rio, cali, or just bounce around alone and see the world until I die. I’m 11/2 months from being 31……Ive been with him for 12 years. He’s in a way all I know, I just dont want life to pass me by because of him and his selfishness. Now most all of my young years are gone. Oh well……..sorry everyone for rambling on..!

  20. tiredandallcriedoutoveryou March 25, 2014 at 1:23 pm #

    Oh yea I also meant to say, that you would think that people would be more self-concious about cheating nowadays since there are soooo many diseases, plus there are sooo many men that have had sex changes as well…..they better be careful the next time they cheat or “shack up”..as my granpa/ma calls it they might run into one. OMG how I wish some of them would get caught up like that…..oh the embarassment. I feel like if that had of happened to my “H” I would not even be angry anymore, because then he has embarassed himself to the utmost. Now if that happened I wouldn’t even second guess throwing him out…….. May I ask if anyone has an opinion about my post….To also make clear that “I in no way am hating, or gay bashing at all…..Im just tying to see different view points on infidelity, and what could happen by doing something so selfish and stupid. I hate the fact that our “H’s” or “W’s” dont care about the after effects of infidelity. It disgusts me to think how much of a risk the CS is willing to take, its sad….it really is. My mom died in 2006 from AIDS…..so I know first hand how one stupid mistake can cost the people involved thier lives. They meet these women/men and the come home to us wives, and we are expected to endure this and lots of times they wind up trying to fix or move on sometimes alone. I hope each and every BS can find love, happiness, romance, passion, the strength to become your own personal cheerleader in the process of healing and moving on. I know one thing “I” will never trust him or any man again and “I” will alway’s from here on out keep up my gaurd and I will never forget what has happened to me.

  21. tiredandallcriedoutoveryou March 25, 2014 at 1:38 pm #

    Sorry I just realized I have quite a few grammar issues with my post. I was typing too fast. I was trying to post before my boss walked in the office, so please forgive me.

    Thanks BS for the info and supprt, and for the CS’s thanks for making us stronger and bringing us back to the reality that life is nothing like Disney’s love stories. Also I thank the CS’s who are trying to fix what they helped mess up, and for posting on this site any info that can help recovery. For the OW/OM I understand that you may have fallen for another persons husband/wives if you have the power to stop it please do…….please stop. People’s lives are being ruined, then you may get hurt too cause he/she may never leave thier spouses. Children are involed and regardless of whats going on they always suffer the most. Also karma is a capital “B”. What goes
    it will come around again if not to you but

  22. tiredandallcriedoutoveryou March 25, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

    Sorry I just realized I have quite a few grammar issues with my post. I was typing too fast. I was trying to post before my boss walked in the office, so please forgive me.

    Thanks BS for the info and supprt, and for the CS’s thanks for making us stronger and bringing us back to the reality that life is nothing like Disney’s love stories. Also I thank the CS’s who are trying to fix what they helped mess up, and for posting on this site any info that can help recovery. For the OW/OM I understand that you may have fallen for another persons husband/wives if you have the power to stop it please do…….please stop. People’s lives are being ruined, then you may get hurt too cause he/she may never leave thier spouses. Children are involed and regardless of whats going on they always suffer the most. Also karma is a capital “B”. What goes around will come around again if not to you, your children or thier children and so forth…”sins of the father/mother”. Imagine you got married and all of a sudden without any warning you find out he/she is having a affair………all you can dois flash back to when “You..were that other woman/man”…..it aint as fun when the rabbits got the gun huh? Imagine your daughter/son calls you histerical breaking the news that thier spouse is having a affair……again flashback and then you realize that at one time you were doing the same thing to woman/man that never did anything to you, and not only were you the OW/OM but there was a little girl/boy who’s family is crumbling. Now you or your child is going thru it and the cycle keeps on repeating. Until we as people realize that just because the grass looks greener on the other side……your grass would be greener and healthier if you spent more time trying figure why your grass is not growing. Noone deserves to be treated like that. And to the OW/OM just because a woman/man comes to you for comfort what gives you the right to judge a person’s spouse with that “oh they are having a difficult time…hey he/she is leaving thier spouse anyway so what the heck ….he/she wants me now” There are two sides to every story, and how do you know she/he’s not lying to you about everything…..and just wants his/her cake and eat it too. Some men/women just are natural cheaters. No you dont owe us BS anything but I can say this pray to god that you made the right decision because once you go forward you can never go back, god will judge us all. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes if you care to, because it can just as easily happen to you as well, noone is exempt or safe from adultrey and the pain and stress that comes from it. I know one thing if it happens, noone that walks out of that the same as they were, and lives will be forever changed good or bad……….in these types of situations nothing will be the same again…..I know I wont.

    Good luck to you all and I know this may sound a bit cliche but there is always a pot of gold at the end of each rainbow. No matter what BS’s we are fighters and should alway’s remain strong if not for the children…if there are any in the home, but for ourselves….noone, not one person will love you more than god, yourself and your children…everthing else is dust in the wind.

  23. Strengthrequired March 25, 2014 at 10:44 pm #

    Tiredandallcriedout, firstly sorry you have found your way here, it has been just over two years since dday for me too, and just over a year since the contact has supposedly stopped, on my h side. The ow in my case unfortunately tries every so often to weasel her way back into his life, doesn’t seem to take no for an answer.
    Recovery is a long and hard road, but I believe we will eventually get there, with or without our spouses.
    I know how you feel, when you say he is your weakness. My h is my weakness too. He is all I know, the one I expected to be with for the rest of my life, now who knows what the future holds. We have been together for close to 23yrs, I can’t imagine myself with anyone else.
    Several times over the course of the ea, I said the same thing to my h, if you can’t let go of the ow, then you need to leave for the sake of me and our children. When I felt strong enough to make the decision for myself that I could no longer cope with his betrayal, I then told him, I was leaving because he was unable to make a choice and stick to it, that it was now up to me to make that decision. I had a place lined up and everything, he of course at that time stopped contact with the ow. As I said she doesn’t stop though. She still tries to call, if he doesn’t answer she calls on a private number in the hopes he will answer. These ow have no shame, only think of themselves and not what they are doing to a family, to children.
    I had mentioned to the ow, that she needs to think seriously about what she was doing, during the ea, as it will come and bite her on the ass. I told her the same, if it doesn’t happen to you, expect karma to throw back onto those closest to her, and she will then see the torment of what her children are going though, due to what she did to us. I told her that if she was any sort of mother, she would want to make amends and protect her children and show them the right way of treating people.
    As you can see, it didn’t make any difference. If they have morals, they would back off, and possibly wouldn’t even attempt breaking a marriage in the first place, but if they don’t believe they are doing anything wrong, then they truly don’t care about anyone else but themselves.

  24. tiredandallcriedoutoveryou March 26, 2014 at 8:43 am #

    Im not so forgiving or understaning of any woman who hurt another woman…on purpose or by “accident” they know what they are doing is wrong…..mainly because if it happens to them they would be ready to throw a fit…I believe there are heartless deamons out there. Its bad enough women get jugded worse than men and struggle a litte harder than men, we have double standard’s to deal with, ever since eve gave adam that damn apple woman has been looked upon very different and sometimes more negatively than a man……etc. I hope you see where Im getting at strength. I have had a hard…..hard….hard life and for me to be turning 31in may I look like Im 19 and I owe it all to god. I feel that considering those circumstances we was women should stick together even more now than ever. We should show that dispite all odds good/bad or neg/pos we will be idividually strong as a women first, as wives second, as moms third, and last as the glue that usually in most all cases trys to keep and hold the family together. We are the ones who have to walk around with the shame, the embarassment, the sadness, the sleeplessness, the denial, the uncertainty, the resentment, the confusion, the hatered, the suicidal thoughts, the feeling that our whole world is ending……..etc. All the while our so called “husbands” are getting a second chance at life and that youthful feeling of being alive, being wanted by somone passionately again. Long phone convo, dinners, movies, dates, hotels, moments of spontaneous lust and sex…….you know that two people in the white swan shaped boat feeling. Its so easy for them to forget about us wives and all the sacrafices we made as women to become his wife……I think that may be one of the many components that makes it hurt even more…….how could they just ruin it like that…….to just throw it all away like that wow…………

    Strengthrequired I’ve been reading these post for about 3 1/2 years and have only had the guts to post 5 times in those 3 1/2 years.. I am embaassed…..I was scared of the fact that someone who knew me may find out…..I’ve had so many stigmas, but Im a lttle more laxed but still ashamed….I feel like Im no longer good enough anymore….that I couldn’t even hold my marrage together…..shoot I couldn’t even stop him from going to another woman. Right now I’d be lucky if he said right now “hey I can’t leave her alone so Im letting you go”…cause just maybe then that would at least been one of the most truthfulest thing I’ve heard from him since this whole ordeal started.

    Sorry for rambling on guys…..lol

    • Strengthrequired April 3, 2014 at 3:47 pm #

      Tired, that back and forth the cs goes through is ridiculous. Ohhh I want you, next thing they are still sneaking around with the op, making a complete fool out of us. They get caught, then it’s back to ohh I love you, I want you, yet they still couldn’t leave the op alone. God only knows how long it takes for the penny to drop. It really does a number on us bs.
      I wasn’t able to keep my h away from trash either, why couldn’t he see if it looked bad, smelt bad, then it is bad.

  25. Gizfield March 26, 2014 at 3:08 pm #

    I’ve never seen this post before. Wonder what happened to Michelle? She certainly didn’t want to listen to any advice or criticism. I bet she continued on with the married man.

    • Doug March 26, 2014 at 3:20 pm #

      I often wonder what has happened with a bunch of readers/commentators. We need to hold a reunion of some sort or something.

  26. Gizfield March 26, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

    I like it, lol.

  27. tiredandallcriedoutoveryou April 3, 2014 at 12:23 am #

    Mee toooo guyz lol…..

  28. Gizfield April 3, 2014 at 3:55 pm #

    Sorry, Strength, I’m gonna have to disagree. They are not making fools of us, they are making fools of THEMSELVES.

  29. Strengthrequired April 3, 2014 at 6:04 pm #

    Your right giz, but it’s hard not to feel foolish and embarrassed for their behaviour

  30. Rachel April 3, 2014 at 8:59 pm #

    I agree, strength.

  31. Strengthrequired April 3, 2014 at 9:34 pm #

    Rachel, I am so very embarrassed that my h, who seemed so perfect in everyone’s eyes, our friends, family, who all thought we were rock solid, could have done what he did with the ow, how he helped her trash our vows. How he could get sucked in by his own cousin, while I looked like the wife that wasn’t good enough, that he could have ended up with a cousin.
    I hate how he was able to tell our friends that this ow was so beautiful, and how happy she made him. It’s damn well embarrassing, humiliating, yet what makes it worse is that I am humiliated and embarrassed for him too. The foolish part comes in when you actually believed that your marriage was safe from people like the ow, and how often you feel like they were laughing at you the whole time while you didn’t know what was going on as well as while you were trying to fight for your marriage for your family.

  32. Strengthrequired April 3, 2014 at 9:39 pm #

    I stopped contact with friends, and barely speak with my family or my h family, since I moved, after we moved, it became more apparent to me, just how embarrassed and humiliated I really was, especially when my h kept up his contact with his skank, after we moved, and I had left everyone behind, just for the sake of getting away from the ow and saving my marriage.
    Crazy, how something’s take some time to really hit you.

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