8 Communication ‘Don’ts’ After the Affair

after the affairCommunication after the affair is necessary for the victim to understand and to facilitate the healing and recovery process. You have many questions about the affair and it’s cause, and you want some answers.

Wanting to know all the details about the affair and the OP is very natural.  How you go about communicating with the cheating spouse though is crucial.

Here are 8 “don’ts” for effective communication that we have determined must be avoided so that the victim can have a better chance at getting the cheating spouse to open up and talk about their affair.

Don’t ambush. Jumping all over the cheating spouse when he walks in the door after work is not conducive to a positive exchange of dialogue.  Neither is waking him up in the middle of the night to talk.  It creates a defensive posture and resentment which will cause the cheating spouse to shut down communication and more than likely anger him to boot.  If possible, schedule a time where you can have a productive discussion, or at the very least, ease into a conversation when the situation warrants it.

Don’t turn every conversation into an affair conversation. I’ll explain this one via an example.  Friday night Linda and I were out on the town for a little bit while our daughters were at a football game.  We were having a good time, and we started to talk about our daughters and Linda mentioned that one of their friends was a real flirt.  The next thing I know, Linda is firing questions at me and we were full bore into a conversation about Tanya and her flirtatious tendencies.  I got frustrated and upset that she did that, she got emotional, and basically that portion of our evening was ruined.  (Though it did get better later!)  This leads me to the next “don’t.”

Don’t ruin a good thing. As they say, “Timing is everything.”  Don’t turn a positive experience with your spouse into a disappointing and frustrating event – for both of you.  If you are trying to save your marriage by rekindling some intimacy in your relationship, by let’s say…going out on a romantic boat cruise…This is not a good time to bring up the affair.  The result is more anger and resentment.

Don’t make assumptions. Don’t take a statement made by the cheating spouse and twist it and turn it into something that it is not.  Get a thorough understanding of what he meant – repeat the statement back for clarification if necessary – and come to an agreement of what he really was saying.

Don’t interrogate. Nobody wants to feel as though they are being interrogated by the CIA.  The fact that the victim is going to want to ask questions is actually expected by the cheating spouse.   He knows he is going to have to face the music after the affair. Make it a conversation and not a drill.

Don’t make it a marathon. This goes hand in hand with the interrogation rule.  It’s fine to have a conversation and to answer some questions, but don’t make it something that goes on forever at one sitting.  Short, poignant conversations work best.

Don’t close your ears. Effectively listen to what your spouse is saying.  Repeat for clarification if need be.  Hell, write down the answers if you need to.  This may eliminate the need to ask the same questions over and over.

Don’t be argumentative. This is pretty much self-explanatory, and goes along with the backing off strategy.  If every discussion turns into an argument, then eventually there be fewer and fewer discussions in the future. The result is that communication comes to a standstill.

When you need to get your cheating spouse to talk after the affair, you might want to try to follow the guidelines above.  If you do, I bet you will have a better shot at good heart-to-heart discussions regarding the affair, your relationship and your future together.

These ideas have either worked for us or are based on mistakes that we have made after the emotional affair, but every situation and relationship is different.  We’d like to hear what has worked for you!

 

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31 Responses to 8 Communication ‘Don’ts’ After the Affair

  1. surprised October 5, 2010 at 9:13 am #

    Been there, done all of those, & it’s degenerated our relationship even further. I would like to add trying to control contact with the other person by contacting them – it only deepened their relationship against me as the evil, controlling wife. What little thread we had between us after the damage of the affair has almost been cut by my behavior doing all the above. I don’t know if we’ll ever recover. Only time will tell. It will take a miracle from God.

  2. Jeffrey Murrah October 5, 2010 at 9:49 am #

    Doug,

    You have some good solid material there. Practical, useful and helpful. People often forget how to have conversations when they are in the midst of crisis. They know how to dump, defend and complain, but forget how to talk. This is a good reminder of that.

    • Doug October 5, 2010 at 10:26 am #

      Jeff, Thanks. Yes, people tend to let their emotions rule and don’t realize that they are killing the communication–which we all know is key.

  3. Julia October 5, 2010 at 2:07 pm #

    My husband has told me many of the details over the last two years of his emotional and sexual affair with a coworker (husband and other woman RN’s) two years ago that lasted about 6 months. But he also refuses to answer a couple of questions like where was he at when he gave her a birthday present during that time. My dilemma is: if he cannot tell the truth about the past, how can I believe he will tell the truth about now and the future? The only arguments we have had last two years are when I ask questions about his affair. He will not blame her for her part of affair even though we had 32 year marriage, they talked on phone daily for 3 months behind my back, I thought marriage was ok, day he asked me for divorce, next day she asked him to come to her house where they had sex and she told him if he left me she had house he could move into, 2 weeks later when he left me, he spent 2 nights with her at her house, then he moved into house her dad owns, rent free, but she told him no more sex until he filed for and got divorce, but she bought 2 trac-phones for them to talk to each other on until divorce. Daily conversations on phone for 5 months while we were separated. He had 2 total knee replacements while we were separated, trying to lower spousal obligation towards me, which backfired as he is in more pain with knees now than before surgeries. We reconciled after I went to hospital after 2nd knee surgery offering unconditional love and care. 2 weeks after that we reconciled, he stopped contact with other woman, and moved back into our home. He has been unable to return to nursing because of his knees. I have tried to tell him for two years I cannot put all of this behind me until I know the whole truth about it which I have got in bits and pieces, never all questions answered at one time. I have to know all, to let it go. Does that make any sense?

    • Doug October 5, 2010 at 2:50 pm #

      Julia, Yes that makes sense. And I understand your need for the full details and you questioning his honesty. It’s not uncommon for the cheating spouse to give information out in bits and pieces. But I question why this detail is that important that you can’t let it go? Does it really matter at this point? I’m sure you feel it does or you wouldn’t have a problem with it. I guess you have to ask yourself at what point does it stop? If you get these details from him that you desire, what’s to say you won’t think that there is yet even more to learn? It would be a never ending cycle. If you feel that your husband is remorseful and doing all that he can to meet your needs and is working hard to save your marriage, why not let it go? I know that it’s tough, but just a thought.

      • Holdingon May 24, 2016 at 6:12 am #

        I think everyone wants the details, and she’s right, if they can’t be honest about the affair they won’t be honest about anything. I don’t know about everyone else, but I’ll know the truth when I hear it, if it’s easy for them to tell, it’s a lie, the truth will come hard.

  4. Kelly October 5, 2010 at 7:37 pm #

    I am guilty of most of the “dont’s” in your posting. I know that being on the other side of the affair, I felt like I was ambushed when I found out about my SOs multiple emotional affairs. I know I was hit with more information than I could process and when I was able to confront him, HE became confrontational, argumentative and didn’t want to hear what I was saying because it was so uncomfortable and embarrasing to be caught and have to admit what he did . It’s been over a year and although our communication skills have improved, I think I still revert to some of the “dont’s” as a protective mechanism. While it may be counterproductive, it feels really good to ambush him from time to time.

  5. melissa October 6, 2010 at 5:57 am #

    Guilty as charged too but it can be so frustrating to get answers. I think the element of guilt is key – as Kelly mentions – my husband is, I guess, feeling terribly guilty deep down and anything that reminds him of the affair angers him. I would hazard he is angry with himself (for being so stupid) and embarrassed but he chooses to direct his anger at me. If I do the exercise in reverse and ask myself what are the ‘I refuse to communicate’ techniques that my H uses to get off the hook?

    Stonewalling (I never did anything, I’m totally innocent, there is nothing to talk about)
    Rejecting all evidence (it’s not true, I was never there) despite evidence to the contrary
    Accusing the injured spouse of unrelated mistakes or flaws
    Demeaning the injured spouse
    Threats (violence, suicide) / bullying

    In my situation, the major issue is getting your spouse to accept full responsibility for his choices but I don’t feel I’ve got there yet.

    • alycon July 20, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

      No melissa, I haven’t got there yet either. And I wonder if I ever will.

      I just got back from work and my H apologied for the fact that dinner isn’t done yet because he was out filming ‘and it took lnger than he thought’; he then asked me how I am and I told him straight down the line, with no BS, no concealed feelings – ‘I’m the same as I’ve been every day since you started messing around with these women – angry and depressed.’

      I didn’t shout, yell, curse – just open, honest communication.

      But it still didn’t encourage him to turn round and say he’ll stay away from this new ‘friend’ that he’s spending Saturday with to film with, it hasn’t encouraged him to sit down with me and really listen and talk like healthy loving couples do.

      He then starts going on about how the filming went and how his co host did and all this, and I’m ‘to be completely honest I couldn’t give a stuff how he did………’ at which point I came upstairs to check this blog. The last thing I want to do is sound uncaring. But the massive problem for me is that anything to do with his work – or hobby as he isn’t earning a penny – is a trigger because he started ‘messing around’ when he was ‘learning his craft’. My counsellor reckons I’m showing signs of PTSD.

      Then he’s coming upstairs and telling me that dinner will soon be ready and I just shrug and carry on typing this to you…..

      This is all so sad for me melissa, I worshopped the ground my H walked on for years and care so much about him and our marriage that I was prepared to risk his anger when I needed to raise issues that were undermining our relationship, I still intend to do that but I wish so much that he will wake up from this dream of his and I could trust him again…………….

      • melissa July 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

        Hi Alycon
        I know exactly how you feel and it’s really tough. A few months down the line, I still believe what I wrote was right (that my H is feeling guilty but refuses to discuss his feelings/guilt because it’s too much like hard work and uses aggression or bullying whenever I talk about the OW, which I don’t – or try not to).

        This said, the ‘back off’ policy does work, I think. Your H is probably trying, by making supper, to show you that he cares.His apology for a meal not being ready is, I think, an apology for something else.

        And yes, it doesn’t make his betrayal any better but it’s his way to show he cares, I guess. My H keeps asking me if I’m OK, if I’m happy, if I’m enjoying myself, wherever we are. If I brought up the OW, he would go into a complete frenzy and threaten me with violence or suicide (his way to get out of it, his way of expressing his guilt). The sad thing is I never know if he’s genuine – same time last year, he was planning to see the OW at a work conference and lying to me, again using his credit card to ‘phone her, texting her, emailing. I found out. I went crazy and said ‘it’s her or me’. I hope it’s me. But I haven’t got any way to know except my own instinct. The same conference is coming up in a month’s time and I’m going crazy, there isn’t a night when I don’t wake up and think ‘is it going to happen again? Is he in touch with her again????” But if I told him how I feel, he’d go crazy again. It’s tough. Yet,in many ways I feel happy and a lot more aware of myself and the pitfalls ahead – and of his shortcomings (like you, I used to worship him). But this time I’m more or less sure that if it DOES happen again, I’m out of the door faster than you can say ‘bye’ and I’ll have to cope and be strong enough and work it out, one way or another – but without him. I won’t be humiliated and hurt again,

        So don’t despair, Alycon, try the ‘backing off’ bit for a while (give yourself a deadline, two months, three months, six months, whatever works for you). If he’s a lost case, you’ll know. If he’s really trying – in his little way – you’ll know. Be yourself (warts and all), but be strong and look after yourself. Make sure you have one or two really good friends who will not judge you or him but be there for you and go for it. Take care.

        • alycon July 21, 2011 at 4:05 am #

          Thanks so much for your insight melissa, i guess the nearest I’ve got to ‘backing off’ up to press is the honest open communication when he’s asked me how I feel and I am determined to conduct future discussions in that way.

          Maybe you’re right about him doing dinner and all this; the thing is that because I work full time he’s always prepared dinner anyway. Have you seen my post in the discussion about ‘Cheaterville.com’? I basically explained what happened last evening during dinner, so I’d love to have your opinions about that.

          I can well understand your feelings about the conference, I’d be ‘doing my nut’ as well, I feel the same about this filming thing my H is doing this weekend and I’ve made sure he knows how I feel too. I have to say though I do feel a flash of indignation on your behalf about him ‘going crazy’ when you try to discuss it – who created this mess then? Not you!!!!!

          I read Doug’s post about not being a doormat in one’s marriage a few days ago; I’ve never been a doormat but I must confess I have a very strong and intense personality so when my H’s EA came to light you can imagine what it was like in our house… I still fight every day with that intensity. I’ve made it clear to my H that I’m not going to play the doormat and that I can’t heal or trust him if he keeps ignoring my feelings.

          I’m not a pathalogically jealous person, but I’ve always been incredibly protective of my marital boundaries and won’t compromise my life long belief that messing around with someone elses’ partner is unacceptable. Your distress about the conference melissa is totally understandable considering that your marital boundaries have been flattened and violated -all we’re all doing on this site is fighting to protect those boundaries.

          If only our other halves could get down off their ‘fantasy clouds’ long enough to consider that, things would be so much easier……….

          Take care,
          ~Aly XX

  6. Scott M. October 6, 2010 at 1:10 pm #

    The affair is still going in my case. She sees him almost everyday, for hours at time. she says the time flies by with him. She is lost in her own little fantasy world with him. It is now affecting the family as she is running late for picking up the kids and getting them home, having to call other moms to cover. She thinks this is no big deal.

    What do I do while this is still going on?? This is no where close to over for her. Do I push, back off, move out? She is living a lie. She is living in a fantasy world, an alternate reality and she doesnt even know it. She is addicted to being around this guy, he is her savior.

    She just wants me to be “her old husband”. Her old deaf dumb and blind husband. She is getting her dream world she thinks. A stable married life and a wonderful new addicting Love Life, a life she probably feels she is entitled to.

    Part of me wants to call her bluff and upset the apple cart, tell her I am not playing in her imaginary world, that I expect to married to an adult, not some school girl. I want to call her mom, her sister, her firends, and let the cat out of the bag-slap her with reality. I want to send a copy of the phone bills to the OP wife and let her in on their secret.

    I feel I am stuggling to live this lie she wants me to live. I dont want to be here, in this world where nothing is real, where everything is false. Her lack of communication is the cause, and she admits this. She admits what she is doing is wrong but that she does not want to stop. She admits that what she is doing is hurting me and causing me pain, but doesnt want to stop. She is an addict, she has lost her ability to reason, she is insane.

    How can I help her when she doesnt want me to help her, just focus on the kids, not me. How can I help myself? I am reading, seeing a counselor. She scoffs.

    She was my best friend. If I leave her am I abandoning her in her greatest time of need, even though she now has the OP? How committed is he? Will he support her? Will he move in and help raise the kids? Will he be there when she crashes? What is his motivation for this? Does she know this “in love feeling will fade?” Does she care? Do I care?

    She is being torn in half. Family on one side, this new false reality of happiness on the other. She is choosing the false happiness. All of her emotional capital is going to him. Does she even realize this? Does this make her feel remourse, guilty, ashamed, mad, sad, hopeless, resentful? I have no freaking idea as she does not talk.

    What to do?

    • Doug October 6, 2010 at 4:34 pm #

      Scott, You are accurately explaining what a person is like when they are in their “affair fog”. It is frustrating, painful and unfair. When Doug was in this stage I felt like I had lost all control. I didn’t know where to turn, what to do next to bring him back to reality, I felt helpless. I can say that you are on the right track because you have realized that she is in a fantasy world. It took me much longer to figure that out, I was involved in their fantasy as well, believing that he had found lasting love with this perfect woman. Continue to tell yourself that she is not in touch with reality, that it will all come crashing in on her. Read everything you can about affairs and continue to be her reality, the stable one who will be there for her when she falls apart. However don’t be a doormat and follow her around or try to control her actions. The only person you can control is you and I suggest you do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Do not take what she says personally, believe me I heard it all from Doug. All the things I should have done differently, little things, big things, I took them all to heart and took responsibility for his affair. Do not allow her to do that, admit that you have made mistakes, but also point out neither of you is perfect. When she is ready to give up this fantasy you will be willing to discuss those mistakes. Do not go there now because you are facing a loosing battle. It is like reasoning with a drunk person, don’t waste your time and energy. Use that energy on you, when everything falls apart you will need to be strong and healthy because you have a long road ahead of you. Take comfort in knowing that you are not alone, I have experienced everything you are going through right now and you will survive. You will be a stronger, better person because of it. Linda

      • Tiffany March 18, 2011 at 1:41 pm #

        I am feeling exactly like Scott. Its like they have turned into a crazy person. In what world does it make sense to destroy your own life and your families lives for a fantasy? In my case the OW doesn’t even know that my husband has been fantasizing about her for the last year. She is married with her own children. So last night I finally had a great realization that I told my husband. I told him that he needs to realize that if he chooses to pursue her he is not only destroying his own family he is going to attempt to destroy another as well. If she chooses him and her husband wants custody my husband will be responsible for a woman losing her children. If she gets custody my husband will then be helping to raise two children who aren’t his while his own children lose their dad. In any of these situations he loses! For a minute this seemed to register with him. I felt like I saw him coming out of the “fog” for a minute. But the fact that he still is undecided if he wants to stay with me or not is blowing my mind! How do we wake them up out of this insanity?

        • Doug March 18, 2011 at 2:31 pm #

          Tiffany, I’m no therapist but I”m sure that what ultimately causes a cheater to get out of the fog is different in each case. If what you told him doesn’t start the process, perhaps your husband will only wake up only after repeated conversations such as that – or until you give him the boot.

          • Doug March 19, 2011 at 9:41 am #

            This came to my email for some reason. The comment is from ScottM:

            He doesn’t wake up until he chooses to do so. Mine is full speed ahead for a divorce, looking for houses with her boyfriend, thinking about new furniture, everything. She is hoping I get a girlfriend so I stop focusing on her Hahaha.

          • alycon July 20, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

            Oh this is so depressing- my H has asked me so many times if I’m not sure I’d be better off on my own, if I want a divorce. But when I was on a property site on Sunday last looking for flats’ because he told me to leave after a row, he said he didn’t mean it as’he said what he said in anger.’ THAT sentence has been a staple diet throughout our marriage.

    • Jennifer October 9, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

      Scott, I’m going through the same thing. I understand everything you are saying and feeling. We were “best friends” too, and while he says he is struggling with that, and the possible loss of that relationship, this EA my husband is having with a woman who sought him out time and time again during our nearly 27 yr. marriage continues. He moved out the day he told me he met her in another city and spent 3 days together.

      Like Melissa stated (and I relate strongly with her as well) he’s become addicted to this “in love” feeling. He’s not thinking straight, and is willing to sacrifice the respect of his children and friends and extended family in order to get this feeling.

      This man would have stepped in front of a bus for any one of us a month before any of this happened. She just happened to catch him at the right time. He’d lost his job, his mother, etc. There was a string of many life-altering events that put him in a vulnerable place, and he became depressed.

  7. melissa October 6, 2010 at 1:46 pm #

    Hi Scott
    Just to say I feel for you and you are in my thoughts. This is an awful situation. Please look after yourself first of all (and the kids, of course). Read, go for long walks if you can, stay focused. Sometimes I day dream of telling the OP about all the not-so-nice things about my husband – the things that make life with someone a strong reality, the little flaws that make you love that person and yet infuriate you – and wonder how she’d cope. I suspect she would not for a second. It’s probably the same for your wife. She’s looking for a knight in shining armour, someone who doesn’t exist, whilst you’re there, solid, real and true to her and she cannot see it. I hope it’s just that she cannot see it yet.

  8. Pauline November 5, 2010 at 12:59 am #

    I wish I ddn’t know all the details of my husbands affairs. Both woman freely told me and ansered any questions I had. The affairs are over because he lied to both woman. They thouht he was free. The biggest thing I wrestle with is the fact that he blames me for what he chose to do and he doesn’t act remorseful but acts like nothing ever happened . It’s only been two months sinceD-day and he had the nerve to go on a porn site and I haven’t even had a chance to accept whats going on and what hedid. I am a basket case constantly crying. He says all the years we’ve been together is worth working on the marriage yet he won’t getany help to do that. I am just one big ball of confusion feeling like I am close to a break-down

  9. fiora November 21, 2010 at 11:39 pm #

    This is so hard! All of the things on here make complete sense, from a much more objective perspective than I can hold right now. I am IN IT! And I frankly resent that it is somehow on ME to care about whether he feels ambushed, or unhappy that I may be keeping him up at night. If I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t stop thinking about this….if it is ruining MY feelings of peace, then why should I be trying to make HIM feel better? I didn’t DO anything to make him turn away from me. I just wasn’t someone who had lost my mother to cancer–that was the original bond, they both were going through this, and I was supportive of them talking it over. I then watched as he treated me as if I knew nothing of grief, didn’t care about him or his mother (she loved me like a daughter and I loved her very much), and literally told me I “have no compassion” because I was upset that he was taking all of his emotions to the OW and shutting me out.

    So, I need some help with all of this, obviously. How can I be in a space of caring what it’s doing to him, when he obviously doesn’t care what it’s doing to me? And, of course, how can I get my logic to override my feelings, since logic DOES tell me I can’t be the one who is acting crazy all the time, ruining his sense of wanting to be with me?

  10. Kaki December 16, 2010 at 11:25 pm #

    Everyone hear needs to go to rejoiceministries.org. You’ll learn how to stand for your marriage.

  11. Jackie April 9, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    Doug,

    We are 2 year after D-day.

    In trying to communicate with my husband about the affair or any questions he doesn’t want to answer, he accuses me of “interrogating him”. Before the EA, my husband never accused me of “interrogating” him, even when we had difficult conversations. But now that he wants to keep so much to himself, any questions he doesn’t want to answer becomes an “interrogating” of him, especially when it concerns the EA.

    If I express how I feel, it is okay. But to ask him his feelings is not okay. I say he doesn’t have to answer every question I ask, but it would help if he could try.

    What is the difference between communication and “interrogating” in your eyes. In this blog you don’t go into the subtleties of the difference between the two, just not to interrogate.

    So far all I can tell is when he stops answering questions, and has that angered look…I have to assume he now feels interrogated, and is no longer participating in conversation.

    Thanks! I’m sure this will help many of us betrayed spouses communicate better with our CS.

    • Doug April 9, 2011 at 8:40 pm #

      Jackie, That’s a tough question because I think everyone has their own threshold when it comes to questions. Some may take more questioning then others before they interpret it to be an interrogation. I think for me if it is more like a conversation than a question and answer session, that helps. Ask your question, then confirm for understanding and delve a little deeper into the meaning of what was said and how it might relate to his (and your) situation. Don’t just fire question after question. Basically, it’s quality over quantity. This also breeds better listening and understanding of what is said on your part.

      When there were times that Linda went on for too long and asked me too many questions at one sitting, and I got tired or frustrated answering them all, I would tell her that I had had enough for the time being, and she would respect that. Again, you need to create an environment that is safe and conducive to communicating freely.

      I’m not sure I answered your question, but I hope that helps.

  12. Jackie April 10, 2011 at 3:01 pm #

    Doug,

    Thank you for trying to clarify the term, “interrogating”.

    I think your points were very good and helpful. I believe my Husband’s threshold for EA type questions are very low…especially so, during the full heat of the affair, when he wanted to keep as much as he could secret.

    Today, 2 years after D-day, there is clearly an issue of being able to feel safe to talk for both cheater and betrayed. My husband would say I can ask him anything, but it usually led to his feeling interrogated, and me being verbally attacked or blamed. I believe any conversation that makes my H feel bad about himself, guilty, shamed (like he did something wrong), or ashamed that he has done something wrong, makes him feel defensive. If I ask questions that he doesn’t really want to answer, perhaps because of guilt or trying to keep something secret, it becomes an “interrogation.” I’d prefer if he said I won’t answer that right now. Or I need to think about that some more. Rather than being verbally abused.

    I agree with you that having too many questions in one sitting hasn’t worked for us. My husband needs to express when he has had enough. If he cannot, I need to recognize when he seems to have had enough, ask him, or to just keep conversations short with a definite ending.

    My spouse, like many here, has difficulty expressing his emotional wants and needs. I want to create an environment where we are free to safely trust one another again, and meet one another’s needs and desires.

    Thank you, both Doug and Linda, for this website. Having both the cheater and betrayed views is helpful for all of us going through this crisis in our lives.

  13. Marie April 13, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    Who ever wrote this article is insane!

    • Doug April 13, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

      Well thank you Marie! Care to expand on your wonderful comment, or is that all you got?

  14. Matt July 20, 2011 at 10:12 am #

    My w doesn’t feel that what she did should have any effect on me due to the fact she had moved to the spare bedroom. “She needed time alone, and she was not with anyone…”. All lies. She was doing me a favor since I’d just went blind…

  15. Matt July 20, 2011 at 12:10 pm #

    now after admiting who and what, she is emotionally void. I think I was to forgiving… Almost as I was the one at fault. Now what?

  16. Matt July 20, 2011 at 3:17 pm #

    due to the fact that I am now blind and I forgave too soon, I believe she thinks I am helpless. There has been almost no intimacy between us during this time. Can I fix seming like a wimp? Lol. My second destroyed marrige.

  17. DT October 9, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    I can’t believe what I’m reading here. If any of your spouses are still carrying on an affair, you need to throw them out immediately. You don’t let them keep going on with this. “No contact” is mandatory. If they are still seeing the OP and you are both aware of this then it’s over.

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