You thought the worst was over.
The suspicion and nagging feeling that something was “off” in your relationship. The horrible discovery that your partner was actually having an emotional affair and then the confrontation. The tears and anger. All of it was horrible to go through and you believed that finally things would get better and your relationship would start returning to normal.
Unfortunately, you were wrong.
Even though your spouse or partner has admitted the affair and you’ve seen proof that all contact has ended between them, you’re having a tough time trusting again. You tell yourself that it’s time to let down your defenses and learn to trust again.
But you just can’t.
Something inside of you holds back and keeps looking for the worst. Every single day you expect to find out that your partner is still lying to you and giving all attention and love to another. Your partner who is trying very hard to make amends and show you that he or she has changed is getting impatient.
Meanwhile, the distance and tension between the two of you continues to grow. Things are not getting better.
Learning to trust again is a lot like a leap of faith. You still feel tender and wounded and may worry that your partner will cheat again, but you know that, for your relationship’s sake, trust needs to start rebuilding.
It’s never wise to make that leap of faith without being fully aware of what’s true now in your relationship. The trick is to see what’s true now instead of only viewing your current situation from a past perspective.
Don’t make it your goal (either conscious or unconscious) to catch your partner in a lie but do pay close attention. Stay awake! Notice the changes you see and notice what remains the same, but maybe needs to change. Remember, there are no guarantees that your partner won’t cheat again but there also are no guarantees that he or she WILL have another emotional affair.
Watch for signs like these that show you it’s safe to trust again after your partner cheats…
#1: Words and actions match
The key is to look for observable and reliable information that indicates that your partner is trustable (or not). Get into the habit of really listening to what your partner says– the actual words and not what you think he or she might really mean. Listen to the words you hear and then watch your partner’s actions.
Do they match? Do you see follow through?
#2: Honesty when it’s difficult
Do what you can to create an environment that supports honesty in your relationship, even if you don’t like what you hear. Show your partner that you value and really want honesty– even in difficult situations– and acknowledge it when he or she tells you the truth. This doesn’t mean that you have to always agree or that you can’t set boundaries, by the way.
#3: New openness
Pay attention to how you feel. Can you sense that the distance or coldness in your relationship is diminishing? Do more often feel more openness and a little easier, more relaxed and maybe even happy again? When you feel improvement, really feel it and use it as momentum to keep rebuilding trust and your connection.
Susie and Otto are relationship coaches, authors, speakers and seminar leaders as well as soul-mates, best friends and lovers. Since 1999, Susie and Otto have been sharing their message with men and women all over the globe about how to keep the spark alive in your relationship for as long as you want. Together, Susie and Otto are the authors of “Magic Relationship Words,” “Stop Talking On Eggshells,” “Should You Stay or Should You Go,” “No More Jealousy,” “Red Hot Love Relationships” and many other books, audios and programs. Please visit their website for more expert relationship advice.
Discover that trusting again is indeed possible and is a natural process, if you both are committed to putting forth the effort that is necessary.
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39 replies to "3 Signs that It’s Safe to Trust Again After Your Partner Cheats"
“Don’t make it your goal (either conscious or unconscious) to catch your partner in a lie but do pay close attention.”
Therein lies the dilemma. You know your spouse is capable of lying, evading, and omitting the truth yet you want to believe they are sincere and changing for the better since the affair came to light.
For over a year I would wake up all hours of the night and go through his phone and computer multiple times a day. Now, I’m down to once every couple of weeks with only the ph. So, hopefully I’m moving to trusting more and more. I will say I hate the distrust the most of the affair fallout.
FCOL
I think the first year that’s what I was doing was just waiting to catch him in a lie. Now not so much but I do pay close attention and I’m not sure there’s much of a difference but I do feel letting go of that notion is freeing. I don’t want to be his babysitter. If he’s going to eff up I might find out I might not. He would have to be reaaaaallllly good to get past me now tough!
While there is some sound advice in this article, I wonder if the authors have personally experienced infidelity. Maybe I am the oddball here, but these items do not entirely point to the ability to trust in a post-affair situation. example: words and actions match? While the affair was still just an EA, I could have answered that as a YES. In fact, i think he went out of his way to give the appearance of trustworthiness, to follow through on things he said he was going to do, and at times he was more carefully attentive than usual. #2. Pre-affair, I would have said we HAD an environment that supported honesty. We talked about everything. Affairs breed dishonesty, bit by little bit. Post affair, i was lied to about certain things, even when I asked/discussed calmly and rationally. Even when I told him repeatedly that a painful truth is better than a comfortable lie. Regaining that honesty is HARD. Lying and deception can become a habit. It can even occur because the CS wants to “protect” the BS from further hurt. For us, there is more openness but at times it doesn’t feel that way. He often retreats somewhat due to his OWN hurt, shame and guilt. I sometimes retreat because not everything NEEDS to be said. It would be too much for him to take. Too much to hear ALL my pain, and hurtful thoughts.
I can truly say I do not get up every day thinking or wondering if he is lying to me. I do not go around trying to catch him in a lie. Fortunately I am seeing genuine remorse. Rebuilding trust takes time. We don’t automatically trust people. They earn it and demonstrate it over TIME. And time will be the only way we truly know if our CS is truly remorseful and changed. As each month slips by, and he is consistently attending therapy and being who he needs to be, my trust builds back in small increments. Is he impatient? Of course. But trust can’t be forced. I also think it has a direct link to how much we were lied to, how much we suspected. I suspected a lot, and was told a LOT of lies. I wonder if it would have been easier if I had been totally clueless and his lies were ones of omission.
My h used to tell me the lies weren’t big lies just white lies, to protect me from more hurt. I would tell him ove and over again, the lies, no matter how big or small is more damaging than just admitting the truth.
It’s the lies, that stop the trusting process. I keep my eyes open, I find lies eventually come out. Trust has to be earned and does take time, et I don’t think is impossible.
My H told me the same baloney. In fact it took over 2 mos. after d-day for the complete truth about the EA and then over the next year I was still finding out lies by omission about other women. Ridiculous flirting and wanting to be a hero.
A lie is a lie is a lie. My H is a liar because he has told so many. It wasn’t just a bad judgment call or a one time slip. It was a series of lies and betrayal. My therapist told be I shouldn’t be surprised if I never trust him again. Isn’t that delightful?!?!?!?!?!
Fcol – it’s a terrible feeling seeing this side of our husbands, to see lie after lie, it is crushing. You wonder what happened to this person, or was it always a side he hid well.
Great to know, about not to be surprised if you never trust him again. Just great!!!!!! Yet in all honesty, if we weren’t with our h, the next man would have a he’ll of a job proving himself before trust ever becomes easier.
Any lies are harmful, in the context of infidelity or not. An example, last week I needed $20 for something. My husband’s wallet was laying there, so I looked to see if he even had $20, which he did. I asked him, and he said no, he didn’t have it. made a show out of counting out about $18. What the hell? It wasn’t really an issue of the money, cause he let me use his debit card to pay my bill. Unsure why he would lie, but it is disturbing how easily he slipped back into it. was it there all along and I just didnt notice??
Before anyone questions me about looking in my husband’s wallet, he has said to look in whatever I want: phone, computer, etc. so that is not an issue.
Gizfield,
Looking in your husband’s wallet is certainly nothing any of us can judge you for – nor should we! He shouldn’t have a problem with you looking, ESPECIALLY now!! I used to get up in the middle of the night and go through my husband’s phone, wallet, car, etc when I was suspicious BEFORE I actually found proof of his cheating. He can go through anything of mine any time… I have nothing to hide! He should be an open book now, as he should have always been, so NO JUDGMENT should be passed on you for that!!!!
As for the 3 things, I soooooo want to trust my husband that he is no longer cheating, that he really loves ME, and that he is not ‘that guy’ anymore. I want to trust… I want to believe… I did before, and look what happened… I am terrified. I am tired of feeling crazy and scared. I am not CHOOSING these feelings. In fact, I want them to be gone!! I am not sure that I will ever feel that it is totally safe to trust my husband again, and that is the worst feeling! He understands, but it frustrates me that things are this way!! I am afraid that I will ALWAYS be looking for something that I never looked for before… that I will never NOT worry that he is doing something he shouldn’t be… and I know I would feel this way with anyone new had I left my husband. I was never like this before, and don’t like being this way now. The idea that my husband is safe now seems nuts… He hurt me like no one else could, in a way that has damaged me and changed me in a negative way. That isn’t a safe person anymore, regardless of how things are now… I will always have that in the back of my mind and I hate that. I HATE that!!
Recovering, exactly how I feel, to the word. I want safe back, but I can’t see me getting safe back. I feel like I will always be looking over my shoulder. I don’t want t live the rest of my life like this, I’m too old for that sh*t, yet as you say, it doesn’t matter who your with, if we left our h, it will be the same, the eyes will always be kept open. As you said, my h who I believed that could never, or would never hurt me, who would always protect me and our life together, hurt me more than anyone or anything ever has.
Gizfield – I go through my h wallet at times, never used to, but since this ea, definitely. I have found out things in that wallet, that he would never have told me. Yet I think now he either throws away the incriminating reciepts etc due to me confronting him on several occasions. I agree our h should be an open book, I gave all of my passwords etc t my h, I have nothing to hide, if my h doesn’t have anything to hide, just his pride of someone going through his phone, emails etc, then he should suck it up, but he won’t. He doesn’t understand tha why didn’t it bother me before, and now it does. Well gosh I dont know why. (sarcasim) if you couldn’t tell.
Even though my H is doing his best to help me with transparency, talking, counseling, etc., I also wonder if I will ever feel safe again. This feeling of mistrust has also spilled into other relationships such as family, friends & coworkers. I have a very hard time believing anything people say, and always question their motives. It’s not a good way to live. As Strengthrequired said, all this came from the one person whom we relied on to protect us and never hurt us.
This is off topic, but I was wondering: have they ever done a study on workplace cheaters and found out that it was a result of pure unmitigated BOREDOM? Seriously, have been at my job 22 years and don’t want to leave. That said, you can only listen to your fellow co worker’s stories for so long with out going insane!!! I’ve been here through my first marriage, second marriage, and being single as well. It was mostly women at first but now there are lots of men too. I’ve had my share of very minor crushes but never pursued them, or even wanted to. As in, that guy is cute, if I were free I would probably date him. I’ve also been the “crushee”, lol. One little foreign guy saw me and went around telling everyone he had found the woman he was going to marry. We have had quite a few affair episodes here as well, including a lesbian love triangle. The relationships either fizzle out on their own, or the couple goes public and it doesn’t last. Excrpt the lesbian couple, go figure. Anyway, thats my thought. I just think it’s ironic that true “love” coincides with just about the most boring place you can be, all day, every day.
Unfortunately biz idle, my h ea wasn’t a work one, itmwas him trying to escape the pressures of normal life, feeling like all the hard work he was doing with our business people not paying, hoping that he would have retired by 40, midlife crisis, feeling like he is failing our family.
Lynsey, i don’t trust anyone anymore, I am in protective mode. Once this is a distant memory, I believe it will become easier to be more trusting. Just needs time.
I agree. My husband’s was pure escape too. Midlife, many life stressors crashing in, job in jeopardy, pressures all around and he pulls the escape hatch and bails. He really can’t say why. He never had plans to leave, and didn’t want that. She did and that’s where the crazy stalks us to this day.
No, no, no and HELL NO!!! I can answer yes to all the above questions but does it mean he is being honest and truthful? I have no idea. I have reconciled myself and probably to him that trust is not here yet and may never be back. If he can’t live with that he knows where the door is and so do I. I trusted implicitly before and that took me no where. Apparently wasn’t valued by him or maybe it was so he could take advantage of it and pursue his own interests. He’s wanting to go on a three day golf trip with the boys and he’s afraid if he goes I am going to think he’s away screwing someone. Funny but that didn’t occur to me. I don’t think he will. During his affair he never told anyone. He won’t do that in front of his friends. They are all staying in one house. Funny this isn’t a trigger for me. Maybe in 10 years I will trust again. We will see. Do I worry every time we are apart. YEP but this is part of the fallout. I was stupid to trust after the first time, not going to be that dumb again. HAHA ain’t life grand???
I so agree with you here. Sometimes things just CHANGE. For example. You might leave your front door unlocked, your windows unlocked or your garage door open on a regular basis.. Then one day you get robbed and your house is thoroughly trashed. You then go out and install more locks, security cameras, etc etc. But life must go on. While you might want to stay home and guard the place 24/7, you can’t. So you go to work, the movies, out to dinner and it’s in the back of your mind to varying degrees. You have put safeguards in place that will DETER that behavior, but it could happen again. You trust, yet now you lock the doors, double check it, and set the alarms.
I don’t know if this is part of the trust issue but sometimes out of the clear blue I will look at my H that I have “known” for too many years and truly think “..who the hell are you..”. It is so weird for me to feel this way. We had gotten to a point. before the affair, where we finished each others sentences and now I’m not sure what’s going to come out of his mouth. Sometimes I believe he is truly a stranger.
I used to always leave the bathroom door open. Now when I go in not only do I close the door, I lock it!!! I don’t give him my opinions on too many things because I think I don’t know him well enough to share that with him. It’s weird!
Sometimes he will do or say something and I tell him as well, “you don’t know me well enough to do or say that..”. This is not getting better. I really thought it was just a part of the phase in the first couple months after DDay but as time goes on I still feel this way and even more so.
Does this make any sense to anyone else?
Sadly, it makes total sense to me. I don’t like to shower when he is in the bathroom. It is also open to the bedroom so I will go in our walk-in closet to get dressed, instead of walking naked to the bed and getting dressed there like I used to. I also keep the toilet room door shut. My instinct is to cover myself if he walks in while I am dressing. I used to love seeing him shower and get dressed. I loved his body. Now I leave the room when he showers or is getting undressed. I try to be subtle but I am sure he notices. I can’t bear to look at him knowing I shared him. I can’t bear for him to look at me, thinking he might be comparing me (although I AM thinner and fitter, this tic persists). It is sad and hurtful and I can’t seem to stop it. One thing I have slowed down on is, right after d-day I developed a compulsive need to shower every. single night before bed. Even though I shower in the mornings before I get dressed.
I do look searchingly into his face at times. I think I am trying to see if there is any trace of the man who lied so skillfully. Who betrayed and hurt me. Or if I see the kind, loving, devoted man I married.
Even more, I think he feels like he doesn’t know ME. I have so much less confidence. I feel at times like a shell of myself. I wonder what there is that is left to love. Grace has left the building folks.
OMG I thought I was losing it thinking I was the only one who felt like this. Me too with the showering before bed. Oh boy does it dry the skin out this time of year! Yes I look at him too trying to see my H and seriously sometimes I do not recognize him. I used to be able to spot him on the golf course. But now I don’t think I could.
You know EG I asked him if he felt like we were strangers, about 6 months ago, and he said no. I can’t believe this because I have changed so much too. I have lost a lot of weight. I know I physically look different. I don’t have the same friends or interests. There’s a lot of things that are different. I don’t think he looks at me the way I look at him. I also look at him as more of a lover. I see what the OW saw in him. I don’t know maybe after so many years I forgot to look. I know he forgot to look as well.
It’s not even a trigger for me. I’m just very self conscious about what I say(I keep most opinions to myself unless it’s a big deal, no political opinions anymore), how I look (all those granny panties, GONE), how I smell ( no garlic for me) and Chanel better be sending me thank you notes, etc. God forbid I have GAS. OMG I practically explode! I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING FROM HERE!!!! You guys know you do it too 🙂 Maybe that’s part of the stranger feeling. I was NEVER self conscious around him before. He certainly isn’t around me. I feel like I’m in high school again sometimes. I think I’ll go drink some Annie Green Springs tonight and go to the Drive In!
All of you are not crazy, I also take a bath everynight. A habit that began shortly after Dday as a neccessity. I was always shaking and freezing from the trauma, it was my only way to warm up. I continued because I wanted to go to bed feeling clean, shaven and smelling nicely. Silly, I also ditched all my mamma panties, holely sweats, bleached shirts and tried to look put together all of the time. It was exhausting. I also began closing the toilet door, dressing in the closet. I also didn’t want for Doug to see me naked for fear of Doug comparing my body to the OW.
I have since let up on some of these things but I do wish I could go back to the times when I felt completely secure, enjoying the fact that Doug and I have earned being so comfortable with each other. It was one part of my life that I didn’t have to worry or stress about. I know that Doug’s affair had nothing to do with the fact that I had unshaven legs, or wore baggy sweats, however research indicates that being too comfortable in a relationship breeds boredom and takes away desire and excitement.
I really try to make things exciting as well as enjoy being comfortable in our relationship. I couldn’t keep up with trying to be perfect and desirable all of the time. Doug and I spend a lot of time together, I would drive myself nuts trying to keep up that level of perfection. Our life is real
Linda
Point well made. Yes I earned the right to feel comfortable in our relationship too. After all he saw human beings coming out of my body!!! And I really don’t believe they had the affairs because we hadn’t bathed often enough. I agree that looking nice and always being “up” for whatever keeps things exciting. I’ll admit that part is a big positive for us. I love all my new little panties and smaller sizes and high heels and I think he notices, but I’m not sure. He does compliment me almost every day. I do NOT however bake and cook extravagant meals anymore. That was my old life and it wasn’t appreciated. Besides I don’t want to! I’m “retired” from that. Cleaning too!!!
The whole privacy thing is what is so weird for me. Even before I married him I was raised in a very open environment. We were never shamed about being nude or anything so covering myself up is REALLY not part of my character. There are times I like for him to admire my body since the OW was a COW! I am still struggling with this looking at him and wondering who the hell he is.
Linda and TH, I completely agree. While I don’t think he should have to sit around looking at my hairy legs encased in twenty year old sweats and his cast-off boxers, and a spit up stained t shirt, I too felt that I had earned the right to be comfortable in our relationship. Just the way he will burp and fart in front of me. Leave the bathroom door open so he can finish a conversation with me, etc. I feel like I have lost that measure of comfort. Some of that is not necessarily bad. I am sure that with my expensive salon highlights, new clothes, expensive handbags and matching shoes, tanning bed glow, and new make up every day, I can hold my own with anyone. But that’s never what it was all about anyway, was it. So the crazy cycle continues. I try to compete with a ghost. In reality she was a hundred pounds heavier than me, dressed slutty which even then he hated, and had NONE (by his own admission) of the qualities he would look for in a “real” relationship. Sigh. this is so hard.
OMG TH, I cracked up when I read your post. I do feel so much more self-conscience around him. It makes me sad in many ways, but maybe we can try to see the positive side. I think you already are and I am SO proud of you for that. I really don’t seem him as a lover right now and that makes me sad. I usually look at him still with the feeling of ‘how could you??” He was my first and only and I was his. The feeling of comparison (while he swears he doesn’t) is HUGE…kind of like her ass. He swears she did nothing different, it was actually awkward and unconfortable without the history and he has with me and level of trust. I try to hold on to that, but my self esteem has TANKED.
I’m with you with the shoring girls morning and night. I hear you with trying to find thenperson I married again. I often wonder is that man I married there or still the stranger that kept lying and deceiving me and hurting me, while definitely not caring for me, only caring for the ow and her feelings.
I velieve I could have neded up in hospital on mt death bed, and it would have just been another day for him, he still would have come to visit, but would have been straight to her door.
Sometimes though ladies, I seem that glimpse of the man I married, the man that would not hurt me for anything, that looks forward to our future, those days are becoming more frequent, yet still at times I find mind self staring at my husband old photos and just crying wishing this man had never left, that now I have the new person to rediscover.
All the time I just keep loving him, waiting for him to have me, our family first in his life before anything else, to actually feel that I’m the only one he thinks of. I hate wondering is he thinking of her, is he missing her, is he seeing or talking to her.
I know it will Get better, I’m just impatient. Lol
Oh I am very familiar with the photo review. The ones just prior to and during the affair, I can’t even look at. I deleted quite a few. We looked happy, we were a family. I look at those and think REALLY? THIS is what you were willing to throw away for THAT?
That was supposed tomsay showering, not shoring. Lol
Lol. I too take 2 showers daily. That’s so weird. I wear makeup and have my hair done and exercise and I try not to wear sweats around the house. I cook more, clean more and bake more. I try to be funny and engaging. Omg. I feel like a different person. And sometimes I hate myself for being such a loser am trying so hard. He does see and appreciate my efforts but he tells me they make him more guilty and he wants the old me back. The sarcastic, strong , f&&@ you world me. Ha, that person was destroyed and I don’t think she will ever be back. 🙁
I can say all the same. I spend part of the time hating myself for it, feeling like I am rewarding him somehow (like grilling the dog a steak after he shits on the floor). But the rest of the time I remember the me that TOOK the time to look good. That MADE herself a priority for HER. I have come to the conclusion that i have spent so much time in the back of the line, I don’t even know what I was in line FOR anymore. Now I am determining that for myself. SCARES the crap out of him. He wants his little housewifey back. Oops. You killed her
EG
LOL! Yes when it comes to cooking my H wants wifey back too. Too bad, you killed her! I like the “new” me and I think he does too. He likes having me at work. Which is what I’ve always wanted but couldn’t because bitch face was there!!! Yes there are lots of changes and maybe that is why I feel like, “who are you?” sometimes. I am not going to hate on myself anymore! I don’t deserve that kind of punishment and I too am putting myself first.
OK girls one more parting word. KEGELS!! Never thought I would have to be exercising THAT!!
My h kept telling me, that e wanted the old me back, the one from 10 hrs earlier, the one before I had the miscarriages, the one before all the c/sections, the one that had stressful, difficult pregnancies, the one that almost lost our baby at 9 mths of age from becoming I’ll and had to sit by myself watching her almost lifeless on life support for a week, the one that had depression for all those reasons, everytme thinking your getting somewhat better another slam in the face, the one he wanted back was the happy go lucky, was happy going out etc. I wanted that person too, but I certainly needed my h too. I was drowning, he was too. We shared o much trauma, sadness, he added to it.
Believe it or not I had worked on myself quite bait before I found out about the ea, that had me more determined to keep my family together, the high I guess you can call it, because nothing else mattered, yet that high, eve though I was terribly sad, it went to feeling low and defeated because all though he was home the ea continued.
I couldn’t understand how he wanted me o be the person from 10yrs ago, he was getting it, yet he kept pushing me down in this state of depression and anxiety and all the panic attacks for the sake of the ow.
I still don’t understand it, I don’t think I ever will.
Lol, not 10 hrs earlier 10years earlier, stupid word correction…
I made that leap 3 different times to giving her trust. The last time I caught her with an extra phone has now taken me to a place of absolute distrust. She has been closed off to me about details of her relationship with the OM. I need her to be transparent and open. All she says is “how will that help?” I have said we have to have a foundation of honesty and truth. I have been honest with her and told her secrets about my life to model what I need. That was hard but as far as I am concerned worth it. I wish she felt the same. still closed off and it makes me wonder if she is still caring on the EA.
One step
My H said the same thing before all the truth came out. He too had a secret phone. I’m not really sure he still doesn’t.
He was still seeing the ow and I kept asking him questions and he pretended like it was over and he just wouldn’t answer any questions. His answer too was “What good would it do?” It took about 6 weeks to get it out. He was afraid she would tell me. She never did.
I hope you two are going to counseling to help with this. My heart breaks for you. Not a fun place to be. But you are going to have to take a stand for yourself and let her know that the relationship has no future without complete honesty and that means answering all your questions. No one likes to admit to all their bad decions but for the sake of your relationship she has to.
I have also changed in ways of making myself a little more presentable to my H. Sometimes I feel like he has won in this situation. He is the one that was lieing and yet now I give him so much more attention and respect. Its a weird feeling, I want to please him and yet also want to hurt him as he has hurt me. I also look at old pictures and think, how could someone thaty promised to love and protect me, could do something so awful. It makes me cry. But, then he he trying so hard to make up for it, he tells me sorry all the time. Yet, words mean nothing right now, I guess in time I will believe him
I know this is an old thread, but I feel like I am the only “H” here that’s been cheated on. I can’t seem to be able to trust her. My wife was always the suspicious one, telling me I was too friendly or nice to other women. I NEVER wanted any other woman. I NEVER thought any other woman was anywhere near as beautiful, sexy, desireable, fun, etc. she is the woman of my dreams. What the hell did I do to deserve this. She still doesn’t want to have sex ever. She says she loves me and has apologized. Why am I still lonely? Why do I feel like I did something wrong?
Frustrated and hurt.