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In addition to the information that they will be providing here, you touch base with them and/or read more of their material on their site.
They are also going to be speakers in the upcoming “Art of Love” relationship series that begins on February 12th. You can learn more about that event by clicking here.
Build Trust After an Affair With These 3 Communication Tips
An emotional affair can turn your relationship and world upside down.
What used to be “no big deal” or easy to brush off suddenly becomes over-sized and a HUGE deal. Simple conversations about plans for the weekend, who will drive the kids to music lessons and even what to have for dinner can suddenly become more complicated and more likely to be tense and combative.
This is because your lives became more complicated after the affair.
If you and your partner are putting your relationship back together again, you know that healing after a betrayal can take some time. Just when you think that you’ve moved past the affair, something happens and those raw and hurt feelings come up all over again.
This can actually be the case for the one who had the emotional affair as well as for the one who was cheated on.
You are BOTH in a delicate state though you might show it differently.
Often, the place where this delicacy and sensitivity comes through is in how you communicate with each other. Arguments crop up more easily. Hostile silence becomes a regular occurrence as you and your partner can’t seem to talk to one another any longer.
When communication breaks down in these ways, it usually indicates stress and strain. You and your partner might be trying to deal with anger, resentment, regret, guilt, fear and more that are residue from the emotional affair, but it’s a challenge to process and release these intense emotions.
It’s vital that you each continue to work on what you’re feeling and heal after the affair AND it’s important that you communicate more consciously than you have in the past. This is a time when every interaction and every word spoken and heard (or misheard) carries a little more weight.
Incorporating communication secrets like these can be key to rebuilding trust and your connection…
#1: Remember the power of the pause.
It can be uncomfortable to allow silence in a conversation, but it can make a positive difference when you do so in a healthy way. We’re not talking about giving your partner the “silent treatment. Instead, take a moment when communicating to make sure that what you’re about to say is coming from your heart and is true for you. This can transform yet another tense discussion into a point of re-connection.
Especially if you and your partner are talking about a topic that is triggering or difficult, be willing to pause. Notice when your shoulders tighten or your stomach clenches. Notice it when your mind is racing off into guesses about what you partner really means.
Pause and breathe slowly and deeply. You can even say to your partner, “Please give me a moment” or “I’ll answer your question in a few moments.”
#2: Choose words your partner can hear.
During that time when you are breathing and pausing, return to the facts. Think about what is true right here and right now– not what you assume or what was true in the past. Come up with some words to talk about how you feel and what you want.
Keep in mind, there are certain words that will most likely shut your partner down. Words like, “You never” and “You always” are strong examples. Think about a time when someone directed, “You never…” at you. How did you feel? What did you say or do in reaction?
You probably got defensive, withdrew or maybe verbally attacked the other person when you heard these words. Chances are, your partner will do the same so steer clear of words like these!
Set an intention to communicate how you feel and make specific requests for what you want.
#3: Listen literally.
When your partner does say something in response, really listen. Pull your attention back to your partner if you get distracted. Return to his or her actual words when you go off in your mind guessing at what your partner is not saying or deciding what you will say next.
Stop yourself from doing these things and, instead, listen to the literal words that your partner is saying to you. These words contain vital information that you can use to know what’s true for him or her and also to decide what you will say or do.
Susie and Otto are relationship coaches, authors, speakers and seminar leaders as well as soul-mates, best friends and lovers. Since 1999, Susie and Otto have been sharing their message with men and women all over the globe about how to keep the spark alive in your relationship for as long as you want. Together, Susie and Otto are the authors of “Magic Relationship Words,” “Stop Talking On Eggshells,” “Should You Stay or Should You Go,” “No More Jealousy,” “Red Hot Love Relationships” and many other books, audios and programs. Please visit their website for more expert relationship advice.
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2 replies to "3 Communication Secrets to Build Trust After an Affair"
I was wondering if this couple has gone through an affair??
Hi Wake, I’m not sure about the answer to your question.